lhamilton.thekillingdance-第21部分

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　He　stared　down　at　me；　his　eyes　filled　with　pain。　I　think　I　preferred　the　anger。　〃I　used　to　admire　you　for　saying　no　to　Jean…Claude。　I　know　you　want　him；　and　you　keep　refusing。　I　thought　it　was　very　moral　of　you。〃　He　shook　his　head；　one　tear　slid　from　the　corner　of　his　eye；　trailing　in　slow　motion　down　his　cheek。
　I　brushed　the　tear　from　his　face　with　my　fingertip。　He　caught　my　hand　in　his；　holding　it　a　little　too　hard；　but　not　hurting；　only　surprising。　It　was　also　my　right　hand；　and　drawing　the　gun　left…handed　was　going　to　be　a　bitch。　Not　that　I　really　thought　I'd　need　the　gun；　but　he　was　acting　so　strangely。
　Richard　spoke；　staring　down　at　me。　〃But　Jean…Claude's　a　monster　and　you　don't　sleep　with　monsters。　You　just　kill　them。〃　Tears　slid　from　both　of　his　eyes　and　I　let　them　fall。　〃You　don't　sleep　with　me；　either；　because　I'm　a　monster；　too。　But　you　can　kill　us；　can't　you；　Anita？　You　just　can't　fuck　us。〃
　I　jerked　away　from　him；　and　he　let　me。　He　could　have　bench　pressed　the　heavy　cherry　wood　bed；　so　he　let　me　go。　I　didn't　like　that　much。　〃That　was　an　ugly　thing　to　say。〃
　〃But　it's　true；〃　he　said。
　〃I　want　you；　Richard；　you　know　that。〃
　〃You　want　Jean…Claude；　too；　so　that's　not　very　flattering。　You　tell　me　to　kill　Marcus；　like　it　would　be　easy。　Do　you　think　it　wouldn't　bother　me　to　kill　him　because　he's　a　monster；　or　because　I　am？〃
　〃Richard；〃　I　said。　This　was　an　argument　I　hadn't　seen　ing。　I　didn't　know　what　to　say；　but　I　had　to　say　something。　He　was　standing　there　with　tears　drying　on　his　face。　Even　nude　and　gorgeous；　he　looked　lost。
　〃I　know　it　would　bother　you　to　kill　Marcus。　I　never　said　it　wouldn't；〃　I　said。
　〃Then　how　can　you　urge　me　to　do　it？〃
　〃I　think　it's　necessary；〃　I　said。
　〃Could　you　do　it？　Could　you　just　kill　him？〃
　I　thought　about　that　for　a　moment；　then　nodded。　〃Yeah；　I　could。〃
　〃And　that　wouldn't　bother　you？〃　he　asked。
　I　stared　straight　at　him；　looked　him　right　in　his　pain…filled　eyes；　and　said；　〃No。〃
　〃If　you　really　mean　that；　it　makes　you　a　bigger　monster　than　I　am。〃
　〃Yeah；　I　guess　it　does。〃
　He　shook　his　head。　〃It　doesn't　bother　you；　does　it；　knowing　that　you　could　take　a　human　life？〃　He　laughed；　and　it　was　bitter。　〃Or　don't　you　consider　Marcus　human？〃
　〃The　man　I　killed　last　night　was　human；〃　I　said。
　Richard　stared　at　me；　fresh　horror　growing　in　his　eyes。　〃And　you　slept　just　fine　didn't　you？〃
　I　nodded。　〃Pretty　good；　considering　you　sent　Stephen　to　my　bed。〃
　A　strange　look　passed　through　his　eyes；　and　for　a　split　second；　I　saw　him　wonder。
　〃Sweet　Jesus；　you　know　me　better　than　that。〃
　He　looked　down。　〃I　know。　It's　just　that　I　want　you　so　badly；　and　you　keep　saying；　no。　It　makes　me　doubt　everything。〃
　〃Shit。　I　am　not　going　to　stroke　your　ego　in　the　middle　of　a　fight。　You　sent　Stephen　to　me　because　you　were　mad。　Said　I　could　protect　him。　Had　it　occurred　to　you　that　I'd　never　slept…just　slept…in　the　same　bed　with　a　man　before？〃
　〃What　about　your　fiancé　in　college？〃
　〃I　had　sex　with　him；　but　I　didn't　sleep　over；〃　I　said。　〃The　first　time　I　woke　up　in　the　morning　with　a　man　curled　around　me；　I　wanted　it　to　be　you。〃
　〃I'm　sorry；　Anita。　I　didn't　know。　I　。　。　。〃
　〃You　didn't　think。　Great。　Now；　what's　with　the　no　clothes？　What's　going　on；　Richard？〃
　〃You　saw　the　fight　last　night。　You　saw　what　I　did；　what　I　can　do。〃
　〃Some　of　it；　yeah。〃
　He　shook　his　head。　〃You　want　to　know　why　I　don't　kill？　Why　I　always　stop　just　short　of　it？〃　The　look　in　his　eyes　was　almost　desperate；　wild。
　〃Tell　me；〃　I　said；　softly。
　〃I　enjoy　it；　Anita。　I　love　the　feel　of　my　hands；　my　claws　ripping　into　flesh。〃　He　hugged　himself。　〃The　taste　of　fresh；　warm　blood　in　my　mouth　is　exciting。〃　He　shook　his　head　harder；　as　if　he　could　erase　the　sensation。　〃I　wanted　to　rip　Sebastian　apart　last　night。　I　could　feel　it；　like　an　ache　in　my　shoulders；　in　my　arms。　My　body　wanted　to　kill　him；　the　way　I　want　you。〃　He　stared　at　me；　still　hugging　himself；　but　his　body　was　speaking　for　him。　The　thought　of　killing　Sebastian　did　excite　him；　really　excite　him。
　I　swallowed　hard。　〃You're　afraid　that　if　you　let　go　and　killed；　that　you'd　like　that；　too？〃
　He　stared　at　me；　and　that　was　the　horror　in　his　eyes：　the　fear　that　he　was　a　monster；　the　fear　that　I　was　right　not　to　touch　him；　not　to　let　him　touch　me。　You　don't　fuck　the　monsters；　you　just　kill　them。
　〃Do　you　enjoy　killing？〃　he　asked。
　I　had　to　think　about　that　for　a　second　or　two。　Finally；　I　shook　my　head。　〃No；　I　don't　enjoy　it。〃
　〃What　does　it　feel　like？〃　he　asked。
　〃Like　nothing。　I　don't　feel　anything。〃
　〃You　have　to　feel　something。〃
　I　shrugged。　〃Relief　that　it　wasn't　me。　Triumph　that　I　was　faster；　meaner。〃　I　shrugged　again。　〃It　doesn't　bother　me　to　kill　people；　Richard。　It　just　doesn't。〃
　〃Did　it　once？〃
　〃Yes；　it　used　to　bother　me。〃
　〃When　did　it　stop　bothering　you？〃
　〃I　don't　know。　Not　the　first　death；　or　the　second；　but　when　it　gets　to　the　point　that　you　can't　keep　track　of　them　all　。　。　。　It　either　stops　bothering　you　or　you　find　another　line　of　work。〃
　〃I　want　it　to　bother　me；　Anita。　Killing　should　mean　something　other　than　blood；　and　excitement；　or　even　survival。　If　it　doesn't；　then　I'm　wrong；　and　we　are　just　animals。〃　His　body　reacted　to　the　thought；　too。　And　he　did　not　find　it　exciting。　He　looked　vulnerable　and　afraid。　I　wanted　to　tell　him　to　get　dressed；　but　I　didn't。　He'd　chosen　to　be　naked　very　deliberately；　as　if　to　prove　once　and　for　all　that　I　didn't　want　him；　or　that　I　did。
　I　didn't　much　like　tests；　but　it　was　hard　to　bitch　with　the　fear　in　his　eyes。　He'd　walked　away　to　stand　in　front　of　the　bed。　He　rubbed　one　hand　up　and　down　the　opposite　arm　as　if　he　were　cold。　It　was　May　in　Saint　Louis。　He　wasn't　cold；　at　least　not　that　kind　of　cold。
　〃You　aren't　animals；　Richard。〃
　〃How　do　you　know　what　I　am？〃　And　I　knew　that　he　was　asking　the　question　more　of　himself　than　of　me。
　I　walked　over　to　him。　I　took　the　Firestar　out　of　the　front　of　my　pants　and　laid　it　on　the　night　stand　beside　his　cut　glass　lamp。　He　watched　me　do　it；　eyes　wary。　Almost　like　he　expected　me　to　hurt　him。　I　was　going　to　try　very　hard　not　to　do　that。
　I　touched　his　arm；　gently；　where　he　was　rubbing　it。　He　froze　under　my　touch。　〃You　are　one　of　the　most　moral　people　I　have　ever　met。　You　can　kill　Marcus　and　not　bee　a　ravening　beast。　I　know　that；　because　I　know　you。〃
　〃Gabriel　and　Raina　kill　and　look　what　they　are。〃
　〃You　aren't　like　them；　Richard。　Trust　me　on　that。〃
　〃What　if　I　kill　Sebastian　or　Marcus；　and　I　enjoy　it。〃　His　handsome　face　was　raw　with　terror　at　the　thought。
　〃Maybe　it　will　feel　good。〃　I　gripped　his　arm　tighter。　〃But　if　it　does；　there's　no　shame　in　that。　You　are　what　you　are。　You　didn't　choose　it。　It　chose　you。〃
　〃How　can　you　say　there's　no　shame　in　enjoying　killing　something。　I've　hunted　deer　and　I　love　it。　I　love　the　chase；　and　the　kill；　and　eating　the　warm　meat。〃　As　before；　the　thought　excited　him。　I　kept　my　eyes　on　his　face　as　much　as　possible；　but　it　was　distracting。
　〃Everyone　has　different　things　that　flip　their　switch；　Richard。　I've　heard　worse。　Hell；　I've　seen　worse。〃
　He　stared　down　at　me　like　he　wanted　to　believe　me　and　was　afraid　to。　〃Worse　than　this。〃　He　lifted　his　right　hand　from　its　grip　on　his　arm；　he　held　his　hand　in　front　of　my　face。　His　power　prickled　over　my　hand；　down　my　arm；　until　I　gasped。　It　was　force　of　will　alone　that　kept　my　hand　on　his　arm。
　His　fingers　elongated；　stretching　impossibly　long　and　thin。　The　nails　grew　into　heavy　claws。　It　wasn't　a　wolf　hand；　rather　his　own　grown　into　a　claw。　Nothing　else　had　changed　that　I　could　see。　Only　that　one　hand。
　I　was　having　trouble　breathing；　for　different　reasons　than　before。　I　stared　at　the　clawed　hand　and　realized　for　the　first　time　that　he　was　right。　Watching　the　bones　in　his　hand　stretch　and　pop　sickened　me；　scared　me。
　I　kept　my　hand　on　his　arm；　but　I　was　shaking。　I　found　my　voice；　and　it　shook；　too。　〃I　saw　Raina　do　that　once。　I　thought　it　wasn't　a　mon　ability。〃
　〃Only　Raina；　Marcus；　and　I　can　do　it　within　our　pack。　We　can　partially　change　at　will。〃
　〃That's　how　you　stabbed　Sebastian　last　night。〃
　He　nodded；　eyes　searching　my　face。　I　was　fighting　to　keep　it　blank；　but　what　he　saw　there　wasn't　reassuring　enough。　He　turned　away　from