if.thespywholovedme-第6部分

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e　and　he　bought　me　ice　cream　and　put　his　arm　round　the　back　of　my　chair　and　whispered　that　it　was　being　the　most　wonderful　day　of　his　life　and　that　we　must　have　the　same　day　over　and　over　again。　And　I　told　myself　not　to　be　silly。　That　this　was　just　petting。　Everybody　did　it；　and　anyway　it　had　been　rather　marvelous　and　it　wasn't　as　if　I　would　get　a　baby　or　anything。　Besides；　boys　wanted　to　pet　and　if　I　didn't　do　it　with　him　he　would　find　some　other　girl　who　would。　So　when　the　lights　went　out　again　and　his　hands　came　back　it　seemed　natural　that　they　should　go　to　my　breasts　and　that　excited　me；　and　when　he　whispered　that　now　I　must　do　it　to　him　I　let　him　take　my　hand　and　put　it　on　him。　But　I　didn't　know　how；　and　I　was　clumsy　and　ashamed；　and　he　had　to　help。　But　then　his　breath　came　panting　against　my　neck　and　he　said；　〃Oh；　Baby！〃　in　a　long…drawn…out　kind　of　sigh；　and　I　felt　a　sort　of　pang　of　excitement　at　having　given　him　the　same　pleasure　as　he　had　given　me　and；　now　that　we　had　both　done　it；　it　was　as　if　some　kind　of　barrier　had　disappeared　from　between　us；　and　I　felt　motherly　toward　him　and　kissed　him　and　from　that　moment　on　we　were　somehow　different　kinds　of　friends。
　He　drove　me　back　to　catch　the　last　train　for　London；　and　we　arranged　to　meet　at　the　same　time　on　the　next　Saturday；　and　he　stood　and　waved　for　as　long　as　I　could　see　him　under　the　yellow　lights　of　that　darling　little　station；　and　so　our　real　love…affair　began。　It　was　always　the　same；　with　perhaps　different　places　for　luncheon　and　high　tea；　the　river；　the　gramophone；　the　little　box　in　the　cinema；　but　now　there　was　added　the　extra　thrill　of　the　physical　side　and　always；　in　the　boat；　the　car；　the　cinema；　our　hands　were　on　each　other's　bodies；　more　lingering；　more　expert　as　the　endless　summer　drew　on　into　September。
　In　my　memory　of　those　days　the　sun　is　always　shining　and　the　willows　dip　into　water　as　limpid　clear　as　the　sky。　Swans　ride　in　the　shadows　of　the　poplars；　and　swallows　dip　and　skim　as　the　Thames　slips　down　from　Queens　Eyot；　past　Boveney　Lock　and　Coocoo　Weir；　where　we　used　to　bathe；　and　on　down　the　long　stretch　through　Brocas　meadows　toward　Windsor　Bridge。　It　surely　must　have　rained；　there　must　have　been　noisy　holiday…makers　crowding　our　river；　there　must　have　been　clouds　in　our　private　skies；　but　if　there　were　I　can't　remember　them。　The　weeks　slipped　by　like　the　river；　sparkling；　luminous；　full　of　enchantment。
　And　then　came　the　last　Saturday　of　September　and；　though　till　then　we　had　ignored　the　fact；　a　new　chapter　had　to　be　opened。　Susan　was　ing　back　to　the　flat　on　Monday；　I　had　the　chance　of　a　job；　and　Derek　was　going　up　to　Oxford。　We　pretended　it　would　all　be　the　same。　I　would　explain　to　Susan；　and　there　would　be　weekends　when　I　could　go　to　Oxford　or　Derek　e　up　to　London。　We　didn't　discuss　our　affair。　It　was　obvious　that　it　would　go　on。　Derek　had　talked　vaguely　of　my　meeting　his　parents；　but　he　had　never　pressed　it；　and　on　our　Saturdays　together　there　were　always　so　many　better　things　to　do。　Perhaps　I　thought　it　rather　odd　that　Derek　seemed　to　have　no　time　for　me　during　the　week；　but　he　played　a　lot　of　cricket　and　tennis　and　had　hosts　of　friends；　all　of　whom　he　said　were　a　bore。　I　didn't　want　to　get　mixed　up　in　this　side　of　his　life；　at　any　rate　not　for　the　present。　I　was　happy　to　have　him　absolutely　to　myself　for　our　one　day　a　week。　I　didn't　want　to　share　him　with　a　crowd　of　other　people　who　would　anyway　make　me　shy。　So　things　were　left　very　much　in　the　air；　and　I　just　didn't　look　beyond　the　next　Saturday。
　That　day　Derek　was　particularly　affectionate；　and　in　the　evening　he　took　me　to　the　Bridge　Hotel　and　we　had　three　rounds　of　gins　and　tonics；　though　usually　we　hardly　drank　at　all。　And　then　he　insisted　on　champagne　for　dinner；　and　by　the　time　we　got　to　our　little　cinema　we　were　both　rather　tight。　I　was　glad；　because　it　would　make　me　forget　that　tomorrow　would　mean　the　turning　of　a　new　page　and　the　breaking　up　of　all　our　darling　routines。　But　when　we　got　into　our　little　box；　Derek　was　morose。　He　didn't　take　me　in　his　arms　as　usual　but　sat　a　little　away　from　me　and　smoked　and　watched　the　film。　I　came　close　to　him　and　took　his　hand；　but　he　just　sat　and　looked　straight　in　front　of　him。　I　asked　him　what　was　the　matter。　After　a　moment　he　said　obstinately；　〃I　want　to　sleep　with　you。　Properly；　I　mean。〃
　I　was　shocked。　It　was　his　rough　tone　of　voice。　We　had　talked　about　it；　of　course；　but　it　was　always　agreed；　more　or　less；　that　this　would　e　〃later。〃　Now　I　used　the　same　old　arguments；　but　I　was　nervous　and　upset。　Why　did　he　have　to　spoil　our　last　evening？　He　argued　back；　fiercely。　I　was　being　a　hard…boiled　virgin。　It　was　bad　for　him。　Anyway；　we　were　lovers；　so　why　not　behave　like　lovers？　I　said　I　was　frightened　of　getting　a　baby。　He　said　that　was　easy。　There　were　things　he　could　wear。　But　why　now？　I　argued。　We　couldn't　do　it　here。　Oh；　yes　we　could。　There　was　plenty　of　room。　And　he　wanted　to　do　it　before　he　went　up　to　Oxford。　It　would　sort　of；　sort　of　marry　us。
　Tremulously　I　considered　this。　Perhaps　there　was　something　in　it。　It　would　be　a　kind　of　seal　on　our　love。　But　I　was　frightened。　Hesitantly　I　said　had　he　got　one　of　these　〃things〃？　He　said　no；　but　there　was　an　all…night　chemist　and　he　would　go　and　buy　one。　And　he　kissed　me　and　got　up　eagerly　and　walked　out　of　the　box。
　I　sat　and　stared　dully　at　the　screen。　Now　I　couldn't　refuse　him！　He　would　e　back；　and　it　would　be　messy　and　horrible　in　this　filthy　little　box　in　this　filthy　little　back…street　cinema；　and　it　was　going　to　hurt　and　he　would　despise　me　afterward　for　giving　in。　I　had　an　instinct　to　get　up　and　run　out　and　down　to　the　station　and　take　the　next　train　back　to　London。　But　that　would　make　him　furious。　It　would　hurt　his　vanity。　I　wouldn't　be　being　〃a　sport；〃　and　the　rhythm　of　our　friendship；　so　much　based　on　us　both　〃having　fun；〃　would　be　wrecked。　And；　after　all；　was　it　fair　on　him　to　hold　this　back　from　him？　Perhaps　it　really　was　bad　for　him　not　to　be　able　to　do　it　properly。　And；　after　all；　it　had　to　happen　some　time。　One　couldn't　choose　the　perfect　moment　for　that　particular　thing。　No　girl　ever　seemed　to　enjoy　the　first　time。　Perhaps　it　would　be　better　to　get　it　over　with。　Anything　not　to　make　him　angry！　Anything　better　than　the　danger　of　wrecking　our　love！
　The　door　opened　and　there　was　a　brief　shaft　of　light　from　the　lobby。　Then　he　was　beside　me；　breathless　and　excited。　〃I've　got　it；〃　he　whispered。　〃It　was　terribly　embarrassing。　There　was　a　girl　behind　the　counter。　I　didn't　know　what　to　call　it。　I　finally　said；　'One　of　those　things　for　not　having　babies。　You　know。'　She　was　cool　as　a　cucumber。　She　asked　me　what　quality。　I　said　the　best；　of　course。　I　almost　thought　she　was　going　to　ask　'What　size？'　〃　He　laughed　and　held　me　tight。　I　giggled　feebly　back。　Better　to　〃be　a　sport〃！　Better　not　to　make　a　drama　out　of　it！　Nowadays　nobody　did。　It　would　make　it　all　so　embarrassing；　particularly　for　him。
　His　preliminary　love…making　was　so　perfunctory　it　almost　made　me　cry。　Then　he　pushed　his　chair　to　the　back　of　the　box　and　took　off　his　coat　and　laid　it　down　on　the　wooden　floor。　When　he　told　me　to；　I　lay　down　on　it　and　he　knelt　beside　me　and　pulled　off　my　panties。　He　said　to　put　my　feet　up　against　the　front　of　the　box　and　I　did；　and　I　was　so　cramped　and　unfortable　that　I　said；　〃No；　Derek！　Please！　Not　here！〃　But　then　he　was　somehow　on　top　of　me　in　a　dreadful　clumsy　embrace；　and　all　my　instinct　was　somehow　to　help　him　so　that　at　least　he　would　have　pleasure　from　it　and　not　be　angry　with　me　afterward。
　And　then　the　world　fell　in！
　There　was　suddenly　a　great　gush　of　yellow　light；　and　a　furious　voice　said　from　above　and　behind　me；　〃What　the　hell　do　you　think　you're　doing　in　my　cinema？　Get　up；　you　filthy　little　swine。〃
　I　don't　know　why　I　didn't　faint。　Derek　was　standing；　his　face　white　as　a　sheet；　clumsily　buttoning　up　his　trousers。　I　scrambled　to　my　feet；　banging　against　the　wall　of　the　box。　I　stood　there；　waiting　to　be　killed；　waiting　to　be　shot　dead。
　The　black　silhouette　in　the　doorway　pointed　at　my　bag　on　the　floor　with　the　white　scrap　of　my　pants　beside　it。　〃Pick　those　up。〃　I　bent　down　quickly　as　if　I　had　been　hit；　and　clutched　the　pants　into　a　ball　in　my　hand　to　try　and　hide　them。　〃Now　g