if.thespywholovedme-第8部分

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　We　crept　in　among　the　branches。　Sure　enough；　there　was　a　little　clearing。　Other　people　had　been　there　before。　There　was　a　cigarette　packet；　a　Coca…Cola　bottle。　The　moss　and　leaves　had　been　beaten　down。　1　had　the　feeling　that　this　was　a　brothel　bed　where　hundreds；　perhaps　thousands；　of　lovers　had　pressed　and　struggled。　But　now　there　was　no　turning　back。　At　least　it　must　be　a　good　place　for　it；　if　so　many　others　had　used　it。
　Derek　was　eager；　impatient。　He　put　his　coat　down　for　me　and　at　once　started；　almost　feverishly；　his　hands　devouring　me。　I　tried　to　melt；　but　my　body　was　still　cramped　with　nerves；　and　my　limbs　felt　like　wood。　I　wished　he　would　say　something；　something　sweet　and　loving；　but　he　was　intent　and　purposeful；　manhandling　me　almost　brutally；　treating　me　as　if　I　was　a　big　clumsy　doll。　〃A　paper　doll；　for　me　to　call　my　own〃…the　Ink　Spots　again！　I　could　hear　the　deep　bass　of　Hoppy　Jones　and　the　sweet　soprano　counterpoint　of　Bill　Kenny；　so　piercingly　sweet　that　it　tore　at　the　heartstrings。　And　underneath；　the　deep　pulse…beat　of　Charlie　Fuqua's　guitar。　The　tears　squeezed　out　of　my　eyes。　Oh；　God；　what　was　happening　to　me？　And　then　the　sharp　pain　and　the　short　scream　I　quickly　stifled；　and　he　was　lying　on　top　of　me；　his　chest　heaving　and　his　heart　beating　heavily　against　my　breast。　I　put　my　arms　round　him　and　felt　his　shirt　wet　against　my　hands。
　We　lay　like　that　for　long　minutes。　I　watched　the　moonlight　filtering　down　through　the　branches；　and　tried　to　stop　my　tears。　So　that　was　it！　The　great　moment。　A　moment　I　would　never　have　again。　So　now　I　was　a　woman；　and　the　girl　was　gone！　And　there　had　been　no　pleasure；　only　pain　like　they　all　said。　But　there　remained　something。　This　man　in　my　arms。　1　held　him　more　tightly　to　me。　1　was　his　now；　entirely　his；　and　he　was　mine。　He　would　look　after　me。　We　belonged。　Now　I　would　never　be　alone　again。　There　were　two　of　us。
　Derek　kissed　my　wet　cheek　and　scrambled　to　his　feet。　He　held　out　his　hands；　and　I　pulled　down　my　skirt　and　he　hauled　me　up。　He　looked　into　my　face；　and　there　was　embarrassment　in　his　half…smile。　〃I　hope　it　didn't　hurt　too　much。〃
　〃No。　But　was　it　all　right　for　you？〃
　〃Oh；　yes；　rather。〃
　He　bent　down　and　picked　up　his　coat。　He　looked　at　his　watch。　〃I　say！　Only　a　quarter　of　an　hour　for　the　train！　We'd　better　get　moving。〃
　We　scrambled　back　onto　the　path　and　as　we　walked　along　I　pulled　a　b　through　my　hair　and　brushed　at　my　skirt。　Derek　walked　silently　beside　me。　His　face　under　the　moon　was　now　closed；　and　when　I　put　my　arm　through　his　there　was　no　answering　pressure。　I　wished　he　would　be　loving；　talk　about　our　next　meeting；　but　I　could　feel　that　he　was　suddenly　withdrawn；　cold。　I　hadn't　got　used　to　men's　faces　after　they've　done　it。　I　blamed　myself。　It　hadn't　been　good　enough。　And　I　had　cried。　I　had　spoiled　it　for　him。
　We　came　to　the　car　and　drove　silently　to　the　station。　I　stopped　him　at　the　entrance。　Under　the　yellow　light　his　face　was　taut　and　strained　and　his　eyes　only　half　met　mine。　I　said；　〃Don't　e　to　the　train；　darling。　I　can　find　my　way。　What　about　next　Saturday？　I　could　e　down　to　Oxford。　Or　would　you　rather　wait　until　you're　settled　in？〃
　He　said　defensively；　〃Trouble　is；　Viv；　things　are　going　to　be　different　at　Oxford。　I'll　have　to　see。　Write　to　you。〃
　I　tried　to　read　his　face。　This　was　so　different　from　our　usual　parting。　Perhaps　he　was　tired。　God　knew　I　was！　I　said；　〃Yes；　of　course。　But　write　to　me　quickly；　darling。　I'd　like　to　know　how　you're　getting　on。〃　I　reached　up　and　kissed　him　on　the　lips。　His　own　lips　hardly　responded。
　He　nodded。　〃Well；　so　long；　Viv；〃　and　with　a　kind　of　twisted　smile　he　turned　and　went　off　round　the　corner　to　his　car。
　
　*　*　*
　
　It　was　two　weeks　later　that　I　got　the　letter。　I　had　written　twice；　but　there　had　been　no　answer。　In　desperation　I　had　even　telephoned；　but　the　man　at　the　other　end　had　gone　away　and　e　back　and　said　that　Mr。　Mallaby　wasn't　at　home。
　The　letter　began；　〃Dear　Viv；　This　is　going　to　be　a　difficult　letter　to　write。〃　When　I　had　got　that　far　I　went　into　my　bedroom　and　locked　the　door　and　sat　on　my　bed　and　gathered　my　courage。　The　letter　went　on　to　say　that　it　had　been　a　wonderful　summer　and　he　would　never　forget　me。　But　now　his　life　had　changed　and　he　would　have　a　lot　of　work　to　do　and　there　wouldn't　be　much　room　for　〃girls。〃　He　had　told　his　parents　about　me；　but　they　disapproved　of　our　〃affair。〃　They　said　it　wasn't　fair　to　go　on　with　a　girl　if　one　wasn't　going　to　marry　her。　〃They　are　terribly　insular；　I'm　afraid；　and　they　have　ridiculous　ideas　about　'foreigners；'　although　heaven　knows　I　regard　you　as　just　like　any　other　English　girl　and　you　know　I　adore　your　accent。〃　They　were　set　on　his　marrying　the　daughter　of　some　neighbor　in　the　country。　〃I've　never　told　you　about　this；　which　I'm　afraid　was　very　naughty　of　me；　but　as　a　matter　of　fact　we're　sort　of　semi…engaged。　We　had　such　a　marvelous　time　together　and　you　were　such　a　sport　that　I　didn't　want　to　spoil　it　all。〃　He　said　he　hoped　very　much　we　would　〃run　into　each　other〃　again　one　day　and　in　the　meantime　he　had　asked　Fortnum's　to　send　me　a　dozen　bottles　of　pink　champagne；　〃the　best；〃　to　remind　me　of　the　first　time　we　had　met。　〃And　I　do　hope　this　letter　won't　upset　you　too　much；　Viv；　as　I　really　think　you're　the　most　wonderful　girl；　far　too　good　for　someone　like　me。　With　much　love；　happy　memories；　Derek。〃
　Well；　it　took　just　ten　minutes　to　break　my　heart　and　about　another　six　months　to　mend　it。　Accounts　of　other　people's　aches　and　pains　are　uninteresting　because　they　are　so　similar　to　everybody　else's；　so　I　won't　go　into　details。　I　didn't　even　tell　Susan。　As　I　saw　it；　I'd　behaved　like　a　tramp；　from　the　very　first　evening；　and　I'd　been　treated　like　a　tramp。　In　this　tight　little　world　of　England；　I　was　a　Canadian；　and　therefore　a　foreigner；　an　outsider…fair　game。　The　fact　that　I　hadn't　seen　it　happening　to　me　was　more　fool　me。　Born　yesterday！　Better　get　wise；　or　you'll　go　on　being　hurt！　But　beneath　this　open…eyed；　chin…up　rationalization；　the　girl　in　me　whimpered　and　cringed；　and　for　a　time　I　cried　at　night　and　went　down　on　my　knees　to　the　Holy　Mother　I　had　forsaken　and　prayed　that　She　would　give　Derek　back　to　me。　But　of　course　She　wouldn't；　and　my　pride　forbade　me　to　plead　with　him　or　to　follow　up　my　curt　little　note　of　acknowledgment　to　his　letter　and　the　return　of　the　champagne　to　Fortnum's。　The　endless　summer　had　ended。　All　that　was　left　were　some　poignant　Ink　Spot　memories；　and　the　imprint　of　the　nightmare　in　the　cinema　in　Windsor；　the　marks　of　which　I　knew　I　would　bear　all　my　life。
　I　was　lucky。　The　job　I　had　been　trying　for　came　up。　It　was　through　the　usual　friend…of…a…friend；　and　it　was　on　the　Chelsea　Clarion；　a　glorified　parish　magazine　that　had　gone　in　for　small　ads　and　had　established　itself　as　a　kind　of　marketplace　for　people　looking　for　flats　and　rooms　and　servants　in　the　southwest　part　of　London。　It　had　added　some　editorial　pages　that　dealt　only　with　local　problems…　the　hideous　new　lamp　standards；　infrequent　buses　on　the　Number　11　route；　the　theft　of　milk　bottles…things　that　really　affected　the　local　housewives；　and　it　ran　a　whole　page　of　local　gossip；　mostly　〃Chelsea；〃　that　〃everybody〃　came　to　read　and　that　somehow　managed　to　dodge　libel　actions。　It　also　had　a　hard…hitting　editorial　on　Empire　Loyalist　lines　that　exactly　suited　the　politics　of　the　neighborhood；　and；　for　good　measure；　it　was　stylishly　made　up　each　week　（it　was　a　weekly）　by　a　man　called　Harling　who　was　quite　a　dab　at　getting　the　most　out　of　the　old…fashioned　type　faces　that　were　all　our　steam…age　jobbing　printers　in　Pimlico　had　in　stock。　In　fact　it　was　quite　a　good　little　paper；　and　the　staff　liked　it　so　much　they　worked　for　a　pittance　and　even　for　nothing　when　the　ads　didn't　materialize　in　times　like　August　and　over　the　holidays。　I　got　five　pounds　a　week　（we　were　non…union：　not　important　enough）；　plus　mission　on　any　ads　I　could　rustle　up。
　So　I　quietly　tucked　the　fragments　of　my　heart　somewhere　under　my　ribs　and　decided　to　get　along　without　one　for　the　future。　I　would　rely　on　brains　and　guts　and　shoe…leather　to　show　these　damned　English　snobs　that　if　I　couldn't　get　anywhere　else　with　them　I　could　at　least　make　a　living　out　of　them。　So　I　went　to　work　by　day　an