annr.pandora-第48部分

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en　he　sent　me　to　the　South；　to　Egypt；　the　motherland　of　all　mysteries。〃
　〃How　long　have　you　kept　them？〃
　〃Over　fifteen　years。　I　lose　count。　They　never　move　or　speak。　The　wounded　ones；　those　burnt　so　badly　that　time　will　take　centuries　to　heal　them；　they　learn　that　I　am　here。　They　e。　I　try　to　extinguish　them　before　their　minds　can　give　forth　a　flash　of　a　confirming　image　to　other　distant　minds。　She　doesn't　guide　these　burnt　children　to　where　she　is；　as　she　once　guided　me！　If　I　am　tricked　or　overwhelmed；　she　moves　only　as　you　saw；　to　crush　the　blood　drinker。　But　she　has　called　you；　Pandora；　reached　out　for　you。　And　we　know　now　to　what　exact　purpose。　And　I've　been　cruel　to　you。　Clumsy。〃
　He　turned　to　me。　His　voice　grew　tender。　〃Tell　me；　Pandora；〃　he　asked。　〃In　the　vision　you　saw；　when　we　were　married；　were　we　young　or　old'？　Were　you　the　girl　of　fifteen　I　sought　too　early　perhaps；　or　the　mature　full　blossom　of　a　creature　you　are　now？　Are　the　families　happy？　Are　we　ely？〃
　I　was　hotly　embraced　by　the　sincerity　of　his　words。　The　anguish　and　the　pleading　that　lay　behind　them。
　〃We　were　as　we　are　now；〃　I　said；　cautiously　answering　his　smile　with　my　own。　〃You　were　a　man　fixed　in　the　prime　of　life　forever；　and　I？　As　I　am　at　this　hour。〃
　〃Believe　me；〃　he　said　with　sweetness　in　his　voice；
　〃I　would　not　have　spoken　so　harshly　on　this　of　all　nights；　but　you　have　now　so　many　other　nights　to　e。　Nothing　can　kill　you　now；　but　the　sun　or　fire。　Nothing　in　you　will　deteriorate。　You　have　a　thousand　experiences　to　discover。〃
　〃And　what　of　the　ecstasy　when　I　drank　from　her？〃　I　asked。　〃What　of　her　own　beginnings　and　her　suffering？　Does　she　in　no　way　connect　herself　to　the　sacred？〃
　〃What　is　sacred？〃　he　asked；　shrugging　his　shoulder。　〃Tell　me。　What　is　sacred？　Was　it　sanctity　you　saw　in　her　dreams？〃
　I　bowed　my　head。　I　couldn't　answer。
　〃Certainly　not　the　Roman　Empire；〃　he　said；　〃Certainly　not　the　temples　of　Augustus　Caesar。　Certainly　not　the　worship　of　Cybele！　Certainly　not　the　cult　of　those　who　worship　fire　in　Persia。　Is　the　name　Isis　sacred　anymore；　or　was　it　ever？　The　Elder　in　Egypt；　my　first　and　only　instructor　in　all　this；　said　that　Akasha　invented　the　stories　of　Isis　and　Osiris　to　suit　her　purposes；　to　give　a　poetry　to　her　worship。　I　think　rather　she　grafted　herself　upon　old　stories。　The　demon　in　those　two　grows　with　each　new　blood　drinker　made。　It　must。〃
　〃But　to　no　purpose？〃
　〃That　it　may　know　more？〃　he　said。　〃That　it　may　see　more；　feel　more；　through　each　of　us　which　carries　its　blood？　Perhaps　it　is　such　a　creature　as　that　and　each　of　us　is　but　a　tiny　part　of　it；　carrying　all　its　senses　and　capacities　and　returning　our　experiences　to　it。　It　reaches　out　through　us　to　know　the　world！〃
　〃I　can　tell　you　this；〃　he　said。　He　paused　and　put　his　hands　on　the　desk。　〃What　burns　in　me　does　not　care　if　the　victim　is　innocent　or　guilty　of　any　crime。　It　thirsts。　Not　every　night；　but　often！　It　says　nothing！　It　does　not　talk　of　altars　to　me　in　my　heart！　It　drives　me　as　though　I　were　the　battle　steed　and　it　the　mounted　General！　It　is　Marius　who　weeds　the　good　from　the　bad；　according　to　the　old　custom；　for　reasons　you　can　well　understand；　but　not　this　ravening　thirst；　this　thirst　knows　nature　but　no　morality。〃
　〃I　love　you；　Marius；〃　I　said。　〃You　and　my　Father　are　the　only　men　I've　ever　really　loved。　But　I　must　go　out　alone　now。〃
　〃What　did　you　say！〃　He　was　amazed。　〃It's　just　past　midnight。〃
　〃You've　been　very　patient；　but　I　have　to　walk　alone　now。〃
　〃I'll　e　with　you。〃
　〃You　will　not；〃　I　said。
　〃But　you　can't　simply　roam　around　Antioch　on　your　own；　alone。〃
　〃Why　not？　I　can　hear　mortal　thoughts　now　if　I　want　to。　A　litter　just　passed。　The　slaves　are　so　drunk　it's　a　wonder　they　don't　drop　the　thing　and　heave　the　Master　into　the　road；　and　he　himself　is　fast　asleep。　I　want　to　walk　alone；　out　there；　in　the　city　in　the　dark　places　and　the　dangerous　places　and　the　evil　places　and　the　places　where　even　。。。　where　even　a　god　would　not　go。〃
　〃This　is　your　vengeance　on　me；〃　he　said。　I　walked　towards　the　gate　and　he　followed。　〃Pandora；　not　alone。〃
　〃Marius；　my　love；〃　I　said；　turning；　taking　his　hand。　〃It　is　not　vengeance。　The　words　you　spoke　earlier；　'girl'　and　'woman；'　they　have　always　circumscribed　my　life。　I　want　only　now　to　walk　fearlessly　with　my　arms　bare　and　my　hair　down　my　hack；　into　any　cavern　of　danger　I　choose。　I　am　drunk　still　from　her　blood；　from　yours！　Things　shimmer　and　flicker　that　should　shine。　I　must　be　alone　to　ponder　all　you've　said。〃
　〃But　you　have　to　be　back　before　dawn；　well　before。　You　have　to　be　with　me　in　the　crypt　below。　You　can't　merely　lie　in　some　room　somewhere。　The　deadly　light　will　penetrate　…〃
　He　was　so　protective；　so　lustrous；　so　infuriated。
　〃I　will　be　back；〃　I　said；　〃and　well　before　dawn；　and　for　now；　my　heart　will　break　if　we　are　not；　as　of　this　moment；　bound　together。〃
　〃We　are　bound；〃　he　said。　〃Pandora；　you　could　drive　me　mad。〃
　He　stopped　at　the　bars　of　the　gate。
　〃Don't　e　any　farther；〃　I　said　as　I　left。
　I　walked　down　towards　Antioch。　My　legs　had　such　strength　and　spring；　and　the　dust　and　pebbles　of　the　road　were　nothing　to　my　feet；　and　my　eyes　penetrated　the　night　to　see　the　full　conspiracy　of　owls　and　little　rodents　that　hovered　in　the　trees；　eyeing　me；　then　fleeing　as　if　their　natural　senses　warned　them　against　me。
　Soon　I　came　into　the　city　proper。　I　think　the　resolution　with　which　I　moved　from　little　street　to　little　street　was　enough　to　frighten　anyone　who　would　have　contemplated　molesting　me。　I　heard　only　cowardice　and　erotic　curses　from　the　dark；　those　tangled　ugly　curses　men　heap　on　women　they　desire　…　half　threat；　half　dismissal。
　I　could　sense　the　people　in　their　houses　fast　asleep；　and　hear　the　guards　on　watch；　talking　in　their　barracks　behind　the　Forum。
　I　did　all　the　things　the　new　blood　drinkers　always　do。　I　touched　the　surfaces　of　walls　and　stared；　enchanted　at　a　mon　torch　and　the　moths　that　gave　themselves　up　to　it。　I　felt　against　my　naked　arms　and　fragile　tunic　the　dreams　of　all　Antioch　surrounding　me。
　Rats　fled　up　and　down　the　gutters　and　the　streets。　The　river　gave　off　its　own　sound；　and　there　came　a　hollow　echoing　from　the　ships　at　anchor；　even　from　the　faintest　stirring　of　the　water。
　The　Forum；　resplendent　with　its　ever　burning　lights；　caught　the　moon　as　if　it　were　a　great　human　trap　for　it；　the　very　reverse　of　an　earthly　crater；　a　man…made　design　that　could　be　seen　and　blessed　by　the　intransigent　heavens。
　When　I　came　to　my　own　house；；　I　found　I　could　climb　to　the　very　top　easily；　and　there　I　sat　on　the　tiled　roof；　so　relaxed　and　secure　and　free；　looking　down　into　the　courtyard；　into　the　peristyle；　where　I　had　really　learned　…　alone　on　those　three　nights　…　the　truths　that　had　prepared　me　for　Akasha's　blood。
　In　calmness　and　without　pain；　I　thought　it　through　again　…　as　if　I　owed　this　reconsideration　to　the　woman　I　had　been；　the　initiate；　the　woman　who　had　sought　refuge　in　the　Temple。　Marius　was　right。　The　Queen　and　King　were　possessed　of　some　demon　which　spread　through　the　blood；　feeding　upon　it　and　growing；　as　I　could　feel　it　doing　in　me　now。
　The　King　and　Queen　did　not　invent　justice！　The　Queen；　who　broke　the　little　Pharaoh　into　sticks；　did　not　invent　law　or　righteousness！
　And　the　Roman　courts；　bumbling　awkwardly　towards　each　decision；　weighing　all　sides；　refusing　any　magical　or　religious　device；　they　did　even　in　these　terrible　times　strive　for　justice。　It　was　a　system　based　not　upon　the　revelation　of　the　gods；　but　upon　reason。
　But　I　could　not　regret　the　moment　of　intoxication　when　I'd　drunk　her　blood　and　believed　in　her；　and　seen　the　flowers　e　down　upon　us。　I　could　not　regret　that　any　mind　could　conceive　of　such　perfect　transcendence。
　She　had　been　my　Mother；　my　Queen；　my　goddess；　my　all。　I　had　known　it　as　we　were　meant　to　know　it　when　we　drink　the　potions　in　the　Temple；　when　we　sing；　when　we　are　rocking　in　delirious　song。　And　in　her　arms　I　had　known　it。　In　Marius's　arms　I'd　known　it　as　well；　and　in　a　safer　measure；　and　I　wanted　only　to　be　with　him　now。
　How　ghastly　her　worship　seemed。　Flawed　and　ignorant；　being　elevated　to　such　power！　And　how　revealing　suddenly　that　at　the　core　of　mysteries　there　should　lie　such　degrading　explanatio