annr.pandora-第50部分

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madness。
　Why；　I　demanded；　must　his　domination　extend　to　every　corner　of　our　entire　house　and　garden？　And　how　was　it　that　I　was　his　match　in　strength　when　an　old　burnt　blood　drinker　found　his　way　to　Antioch　and　we　picked　up　the　word　of　his　killing　and　had　to　do　away　with　him？
　〃We　are　not　matched　in　minds？〃　I　demanded。
　〃Only　you　could　ask　that　question！〃　came　his　reply。
　Of　course　the　Mother　and　Father　never　moved　or　spoke　again。　No　blood　dreams；　no　divine　directive　ever　reached　me。　Only　now　and　then　did　Marius　remind　me　of　this。　And　after　a　long　while；　he　allowed　me　to　tend　the　Shrine　with　him；　to　see　full　well　the　extent　of　their　silent　and　seemingly　mindless　pliance。　They　appeared　utterly　beyond　reach；　their　cooperation　was　sluggish　and　frightening　to　witness。
　When　Flavius　fell　ill　in　his　fortieth　year；　Marius　and　I　had　the　first　of　our　truly　terrible　battles。　This　came　early　on；　well　before　the　earthquake。
　It　was；　by　the　way；　a　wondrous　time　because　the　wicked　old　Tiberius　was　filling　Antioch　with　new　and　wonderful　buildings。　She　was　the　rival　of　Rome。　But　Flavius　was　ill。
　Marius　could　scarce　bear　it。　He　had　bee　more　than　fond　of　Flavius　…　they　talked　about　Aristotle　all　the　time；　and　Flavius　proved　one　of　those　men　who　can　do　anything　for　you；　from　managing　a　household　to　copying　the　most　esoteric　and　crumbling　text　with　plete　accuracy。
　Flavius　had　never　put　a　single　question　to　us　as　to　what　we　were。　In　his　mind；　I　found；　devotion　and　acceptance　far　superseded　curiosity　or　fear。
　We　hoped　Flavius　had　only　a　minor　illness。　But　finally；　as　Flavius's　fever　grew　worse；　Flavius　turned　his　head　away　from　Marius　whenever　Marius　came　to　him。　But　he　held　on　to　my　hand　always　when　I　offered　it。　Frequently　I　lay　beside　him　for　hours；　as　he　had　once　lain　beside　me。
　Then　one　night　Marius　took　me　to　the　gate　and　said；　〃He'll　be　dead　by　the　time　I　e　back。　Can　you　bear　this　alone？〃
　〃Do　you　run　from　it？〃　I　asked。
　〃No；〃　he　said。　〃But　he　doesn't　want　me　to　see　him　die；　he　doesn't　want　me　to　see　him　groan　in　pain。〃
　I　nodded。
　Marius　left。
　Marius　had　long　ago　laid　down　the　rule　that　no　other　blood　drinker　was　ever　to　be　made。　I　didn't　bother　to　question　him　on　this。
　As　soon　as　he　was　gone；　I　made　Flavius　into　a　vampire。　I　did　it　just　the　way　the　burnt　one；　Marius　and　Akasha　had　done　it　to　me；　for　Marius　and　I　had　long　discussed　the　methods　…　withdraw　as　much　blood　as　you　can；　then　give　it　back　until　you　are　near　to　fainting。
　I　did　faint　and　wake　to　see　this　splendid　Greek　standing　over　me；　smiling　faintly；　all　disease　gone　from　him。　He　reached　down　to　take　my　hand　and　help　me　to　my　feet。
　Marius　walked　in；　stared　at　the　reborn　Flavius　in　amazement　and　said；　〃Get　out；　out　of　this　house；　out　of　this　city；　out　of　this　province；　out　of　this　Empire。〃
　Flavius's　last　words　to　me　were：
　〃Thank　you　for　this　Dark　Gift。〃　That　is　the　first　I　ever　heard　that　particular　phrase；　which　appears　so　often　in　Lestat's　writings。　How　well　this　learned　Athenian　understood　it。
　For　hours　I　avoided　Marius。　I　would　never　be　forgiven！　Then　I　went　out　into　the　garden。　I　discovered　Marius　was　grieving；　and　when　he　looked　up；　I　realized　that　he　had　been　utterly　convinced　that　I　meant　to　go　off　with　Flavius。　When　I　saw　this；　I　took　him　in　my　arms。　He　was　full　of　quiet　relief　and　love；　he　forgave　me　at　once　for　my　〃absolute　rashness。〃
　〃Don't　you　see；〃　I　said；　taking　him　in　hand；　〃that　I　adore　you？　But　you　cannot　rule　over　me！　Can　you　not　consider　in　your　reasonable　fashion　that　the　greatest　part　of　our　gift　eludes　you　…　it's　the　freedom　from　the　confines　of　male；　female！〃
　〃You　can't　convince　me；〃　he　said；　〃for　one　moment　that　you　don't　feel；　reason　and　act　in　the　manner　of　a　woman。　We　both　loved　Flavius。　But　why　another　blood　drinker？〃
　〃I　don't　know　except　that　Flavius　wanted　it；　Flavius　knew　all　about　our　secrets；　there　was　a。。。　an　understanding　between　me　and　Flavius！　He　had　been　loyal　in　the　darkest　hours　of　my　mortal　life。　Oh；　I　can't　explain　it。〃
　〃A　woman　s　sentiments；　exactly。　And　you　have　launched　this　creature　into　eternity。〃
　〃He　joins　our　search；〃　I　replied。
　About　the　middle　of　the　century；　when　the　city　was　very　rich　and　the　Empire　was　about　as　peaceful　as　it　was　ever　going　to　be　for　the　next　two　hundred　years；　the　Christian　Paul　came　to　Antioch。
　I　went　to　hear　him　speak　one　night　and　came　home；　saying　casually　that　the　man　could　convert　the　very　stones　to　this　faith；　such　was　his　personal　power。
　〃How　can　you　spend　your　time　on　such　things！〃　Marius　demanded。　〃Christians。　They　aren't　even　a　cult！　Some　worship　John；　some　worship　Jesus。　They　fight　amongst　one　another！　Don't　you　see　what　this　man　Paul　has　done？〃
　〃No；　what？〃　I　said。　〃I　didn't　say　I　was　going　to　join　the　sect。　I　only　said　I　stopped　to　hear　him。　Who　is　hurt　by　that？〃
　〃You；　your　mind；　your　equilibrium；　your　mon　sense。　It's　promised　by　the　foolish　things　in　which　you　take　an　interest；　and　frankly　the　principle　of　truth　is　hurt！〃　He　had　only　just　begun。
　〃Let　me　tell　you　about　this　man　Paul；〃　Marius　said。　〃He　never　knew　either　the　Baptizer　John　or　the　Galilean　Jesus；　The　Hebrews　have　thrown　him　out　of　the　group。　Jesus　and　John　were　both　Hebrews！　And　so　Paul　has　now　turned　to　everyone。　Jew　and　Christian　alike；　and　Roman　and　Greek；　and　said；　'You　needn't　follow　the　Hebrew　observance。　Forget　the　Feasts　in　Jerusalem。　Forget　Circumcision。　Bee　a　Christian。'　〃
　〃Yes；　that　is　true；〃　I　said　with　a　sigh。
　〃It's　a　very　easy　religion　to　take　up；〃　he　said。　〃It's　nothing。　You　have　to　believe　that　this　man　rose　from　the　Dead。　And　by　the　way；　I've　bed　the　available　texts　which　are　floating　all　over　the　marketplaces。　Have　you？〃
　〃No。　I'm　surprised　you've　found　this　search　worthy　of　your　time。〃
　〃I　don't　see　anywhere　in　the　writings　of　those　who　knew　John　and　Jesus　where　these　two　are　quoted　as　saying　either　one　of　them　will　rise　from　the　Dead；　or　that　all　who　believe　in　them　will　have　life　after　death。　Paul　added　all　that。　What　an　enticing　promise！　And　you　should　hear　your　friend；　Paul；　on　the　subject　of　Hell！　What　a　cruel　vision　…　that　flawed　mortals　could　sin　in　this　life　so　grievously　that　they　would　burn　for　all　eternity。〃
　〃He's　not　my　friend。　You　make　so　much　of　my　passing　remarks。　Why　do　you　feel　so　strongly？〃
　〃I　told　you；　I　care　about　what　is　true；　what　is　reasonable！〃
　〃Well；　there's　something　you're　missing　about　this　group　of　Christians；　some　way　in　which　when　they　e　together　they　share　a　euphoric　love　and　they　believe　in　great　generosity　…〃
　〃Oh；　not　again！　And　are　you　to　tell　me　this　is　good'？〃
　I　didn't　answer。
　He　was　returning　to　his　work　when　I　spoke。
　〃You　fear　me；〃　I　said　to　him。　〃You　fear　that　I'll　be　swept　off　my　feet　by　somebody　of　belief　and　abandon　you。　No。　No；　that's　not　right。　You　fear　that　you　will　be　swept　up。　That　the　world　will　somehow　entice　you　back　into　it；　so　that　you　won't　live　here　with　me；　the　superior　Roman　observer　recluse；　anymore；　but　go　back；　seeking　mortal　forts　of　panionship　and　proximity　to　others；　friendship　with　mortals；　their　recognition　of　you　as　one　of　them　when　you　are　not　one　of　them！〃
　〃Pandora；　you　talk　gibberish。〃
　〃Keep　your　proud　secrets；〃　I　said。　〃But　I　do　fear　for　you；　that　I　will　admit。〃
　〃Fear　for　me？　And　why？〃　he　demanded。
　〃Because　you　don't　realize　everything　perishes；　everything　is　artifice！　That　even　logic　and　mathematics　and　justice　have　no　ultimate　meaning！〃
　〃That's　not　true；〃　he　said。
　〃Oh；　yes　it　is。　Some　night　will　e　when　you　will　see　what　I　saw；　when　I　first　came　to　Antioch；　before　you'd　found　me；　before　this　transformation　which　should　have　swept　away　everything　in　its　path。
　〃You　will　see　a　darkness；〃　I　went　on；　〃a　darkness　so　total　that　Nature　never　knows　it　anywhere　on　Earth　at　any　time；　in　any　place！　Only　the　human　soul　can　know　it。　And　it　goes　on　forever。　And　I　pray　that　when　you　finally　can　no　longer　escape　from　it；　when　you　realize　it　is　all　around　you；　that　your　logic　and　your　reason　give　you　some　strength　against　it。〃
　He　gave　me　the　most　respectful　look。　But　he　didn't　speak。　I　continued：
　〃Resignation　will　do　you　no　good；〃　I　said；　〃when　such　a　time　es。　Resignation　requires　will；　and　will　requires　decision；　and　decision　req