annr.pandora-第51部分

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　〃Resignation　will　do　you　no　good；〃　I　said；　〃when　such　a　time　es。　Resignation　requires　will；　and　will　requires　decision；　and　decision　requires　belief；　and　belief　requires　that　there　is　something　to　believe　in！　And　all　action　or　acceptance　requires　a　concept　of　a　witness！　Well；　there　is　nothing；　and　there　are　no　witnesses！　You　don't　know　that　yet；　but　I　do。　I　hope；　when　you　find　it　out；　someone　can　fort　you　as　you　dress　and　groom　those　monstrous　relics　below　the　stairs！　As　you　bring　their　flowers！〃　I　was　so　angry。　I　went　on：
　〃Look　back　on　me　when　this　moment　es　…　if　not　for　forgiveness；　look　back　on　me　as　a　model。　For　I　have　seen　this；　and　I　have　survived。　And　it　matters　not　that　I　stopped　to　listen　to　Paul　preach　of　Christ；　or　that　I　weave　flowers　into　crowns　for　the　Queen；　or　that　I　dance　like　a　fool　under　the　moon　in　the　garden　before　dawn；　or　that　I。。。　that　I　love　you。　It　matters　not。　Because　there　is　nothing。　And　no　one　to　see。　No　one！〃　I　sighed。　It　was　time　to　finish。
　〃Go　back　to　your　history；　this　stack　of　lies　that　tries　to　link　event　to　event　with　cause　and　effect；　this　preposterous　faith　that　postulates　that　one　thing　follows　from　another。　I　tell　you；　it's　not　so。　But　it　is　very　Roman　of　you　to　think　so。〃
　He　sat　silent　looking　up　at　me。　I　couldn't　tell　what　his　thoughts　were　or　what　his　heart　felt。　Then　he　asked：
　〃What　would　you　have　me　do？〃　He　had　never　looked　more　innocent。
　Bitterly；　I　laughed。　Did　we　not　speak　the　same　language？　He　heard　not　one　word　I　had　uttered。　Yet　he　presented　me　not　with　a　reply；　but　only　with　this　simple　question。
　〃All　right；〃　I　said。　〃I'll　tell　you　what　I　want。　Love　me；　Marius；　love　me；　but　leave　me　alone！〃　I　cried　out。　I　had　not　even　thought。　The　words　just　came。　〃Leave　me　alone；　so　that　I　may　seek　my　own　forts；　my　own　means　to　remain　alive；　no　matter　how　foolish　or　pointless　these　forts　appear　to　you。　Leave　me　alone！〃
　He　was　wounded；　so　unprehending；　looking　so　innocent　still。
　We　had　many　similar　arguments　as　the　decades　passed。
　Sometimes　he　would　e　to　me　after；　he　would　fall　into　long　thoughtful　talks　about　what　he　felt　was　happening　with　the　Empire；　how　the　Emperors　were　going　mad　and　the　Senate　had　no　power；　how　the　very　progress　of　man　was　unique　in　Nature　and　something　to　be　watched。　How　he　would　crave　life；　he　thought；　until　there　was　no　more　life。
　〃Even　if　there　is　nothing　left　but　desert　waste；〃　he　said；　〃I　should　want　to　be　there；　to　see　dune　folding　upon　dune；〃　he　went　on。　〃If　there　was　but　one　lamp　left　in　all　the　world；　I'd　want　to　watch　its　flame。　And　so　would　you。〃
　But　the　terms　of　the　battle；　and　its　heat；　never　really　changed。
　At　heart　he　thought　I　hated　him　for　having　been　so　unkind　on　the　night　I　was　given　the　Dark　Blood。　I　told　him　this　was　childish。　I　could　not　convince　him　that　my　soul　and　my　intelligence　were　infinitely　too　large　for　such　a　simple　grudge；　and　that　I　owed　him　no　explanation　for　my　thoughts；　words　and　deeds。
　For　two　hundred　years；　we　lived　and　loved　together。　He　became　ever　more　beautiful　to　me。
　As　more　and　more　barbarians　from　the　North　and　from　the　East　poured　into　the　city；　he　felt　no　necessity　to　dress　like　a　Roman　anymore；　and　frequently　wore　the　jeweled　clothes　of　the　Easterners。　His　hair　seemed　to　be　growing　finer；　lighter。　He　seldom　cut　it；　which　of　course　he　would　have　had　to　do　every　night　had　he　wanted　it　short。　It　was　a　splendor　on　his　shoulders。
　As　his　face　grew　ever　more　smooth；　away　went　the　few　lines　that　could　so　easily　design　anger　in　his　expression。　As　I've　told　you　before；　he　greatly　resembles　Lestat。　Only　he　is　more　pact　of　build；　and　jaw　and　chin　had　hardened　just　a　little　more　with　age　before　the　Dark　Gift。　But　the　unwanted　folds　were　receding　from　his　eyes。
　Sometimes　for　nights　on　end；　in　fear　of　a　fight；　we　didn't　speak。　There　was　between　us　always　a　continuous　physical　affection　…　embraces；　kisses；　sometimes　the　mere　silent　lock　of　our　hands。
　But　we　knew　we　had　now　lived　far　beyond　a　normal　human　life　span。
　You　need　from　me　no　detailed　history　of　that　remarkable　time。　It　is　too　well　known。　Only　let　me　place　here　a　few　reminders。　Only　let　me　describe　for　you　my　perspective　on　the　changes　happening　all　over　the　Empire。
　Antioch　as　a　thriving　city　proved　indestructible。　The　Emperors　began　to　favor　it　and　visit　it。　More　Temples　went　up　to　the　Eastern　cults。　And　then　Christians　of　all　kinds　poured　into　Antioch。
　Indeed；　the　Christians　of　Antioch　prised　at　last　an　immense　and　fascinating　bunch　of　people　arguing　with　each　other。
　Rome　went　to　war　on　the　Jews；　crushing　Jerusalem　pletely　and　destroying　the　sacred　Hebrew　Temple。　Many　brilliant　Jewish　thinkers　came　to　Antioch　as　well　as　Alexandria。
　Twice　or　perhaps　even　three　times；　Roman　legions　pushed　past　us；　North　of　us；　into　Parthia；　once　we　even　had　a　little　rebellion　of　our　own；　but　Rome　always　resecured　the　city　of　Antioch。　So　the　market　closed　for　a　day！　On　went　the　trade；　the　great　lust　of　the　caravans　for　the　ships；　and　of　the　ships　for　the　caravans；　and　Antioch　was　the　bed　in　which　they　must　wed　each　other。
　There　was　little　new　poetry。　Satire。　Satire　seemed　the　only　safe　or　honest　expression　of　the　Roman　mind　now；　and　so　we　had　the　riotously　funny　story　The　Golden　Ass；　by　Apuleius；　which　seemed　to　make　fun　of　every　religion。　But　there　was　a　bitterness　to　the　poet　Martial。　And　those　letters　of　Pliny　which　reached　me　were　full　of　dire　judgments　on　the　moral　chaos　of　Rome。
　I　began　as　a　vampire　to　feed　exclusively　on　soldiers。　I　liked　them；　their　look；　their　strength。　I　fed　so　much　so　on　them；　that　in　my　carelessness；　I　became　a　legend　amongst　them；　〃The　Greek　Lady　Death；〃　this　on　account　of　my　clothes　which　to　them　appeared　archaic。　I　struck　at　random　in　the　dark　streets。　There　wasn't　a　chance　of　their　ever　surrounding　me　or　stopping　me；　so　great　was　my　skill；　my　strength　and　my　thirst。
　But　I　saw　things　in　their　rebellious　deaths；　the　blaze　of　a　pitched　battle　in　a　march；　a　hand…to…hand　struggle　on　a　steep　mountain。　I　took　them　down　gently　into　the　finish；　filling　myself　to　the　brim　with　their　blood；　and　sometimes；　through　a　veil　it　seemed；　I　saw　the　souls　of　those　whom　they　themselves　had　slain。
　When　I　told　Marius　this；　he　said　it　was　just　the　kind　of　mystical　nonsense　he　would　expect　of　me。
　I　didn't　press　the　point。
　He　watched　with　keen　interest　the　developments　of　Rome。　To　me　they　seemed　merely　surprising。
　He　pored　over　the　histories　of　Dio　Cassius　and　Plutarch　and　Tacitus；　and　pounded　his　fist　when　he　heard　of　the　endless　skirmishes　on　the　Rhine　River；　and　the　push　Northward　into　Britannia　and　the　building　of　Hadrian's　wall　to　forever　keep　away　the　Scots；　who　like　the　Germans　would　yield　to　no　one。
　〃They　are　not　patrolling；　preserving；　containing　an　Empire　any　longer；〃　he　said。　〃Conserving　a　way　of　life！　It's　just　war；　and　trade！〃
　I　couldn't　disagree。
　It　was　really　even　worse　than　he　knew。　If　he　had　gone　as　often　as　I　did　to　listen　to　the　philosophers　he　would　have　been　appalled。
　Magicians　were　appearing　everywhere；　claiming　to　be　able　to　fly；　to　see　visions；　to　heal　with　the　laying　on　of　hands！　They　got　into　battles　with　the　Christians　and　the　Jews。　I　don't　think　the　Roman　army　paid　them　any　attention。
　Medicine　as　I　had　known　it　in　my　mortal　life　had　been　flooded　with　a　river　of　Eastern　secret　formulae；　amulets；　rituals；　and　little　statues　to　clutch。
　Well　over　half　the　Senate　was　no　longer　Italian　by　birth。　This　meant　that　our　Rome　was　no　longer　our　Rome。　And　the　title　of　Emperor　had　bee　a　joke。　There　were　so　many　assassinations；　plots；　squabbles；　false　emperors　and　palace　coups　that　it　soon　became　perfectly　clear　that　the　Army　ruled。　The　Army　chose　the　Emperor。　The　Army　sustained　him。
　The　Christians　were　divided　into　warring　sects。　It　was　positively　astonishing。　The　religion　didn't　burn　itself　out　in　dispute。　It　gained　strength　in　division。　Occasional　furious　persecutions　…　in　which　people　were　executed　for　not　worshiping　at　Roman　altars　…　only　seemed　to　deepen　the　sympathy　of　the　populace　with　this　new　cult。
　And　the　new　cult　was　rampant　with　debate　on　every　principle　with　regard　to　the　Jews；　God　and　Jesus。
　The　most　amazing　thing　had　happened　to　this　religion。　Spreading