rz.signoftheunicorn-第33部分

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　time　for　me　to　be　about　such　a　thing；　I　felt　that　it　would　make　my　day's　retirement　believable。　Of　course；　this　obliged　me　to　follow　through　on　it　that　night。　But　this；　too；　was　good。　It　gave　me　a　day；　a　night；　and　part　of　the　following　day　in　which　to　heal　sufficiently　to　carry　my　wound　that　much　the　better。　I　felt　that　it　would　be　time　well　spent。
　You've　got　to　tell　someone；　though。　I　told　Random　and　I　told　Ganelon。　Propped　in　my　bed；　I　told　them　of　the　plans　of　Brand；　Fiona；　and　Bleys；　and　of　the　Eric…Julian…Caine　cabal。　I　told　them　what　Brand　had　said　concerning　my　return　and　his　own　imprisonment　by　his　fellow　conspirators。　They　saw　why　the　survivors　of　both　factions　…　Fiona　and　Julian　…　had　run　off：　doubtless　to　marshal　their　forces；　hopefully　to　expend　them　on　one　another；　but　probably　not。　Not　immediately；　anyhow。　More　likely；　one　or　the　other　would　move　to　take　Amber　first。
　〃They　will　just　have　to　take　numbers　and　wait　their　turns；　like　everyone　else；〃　Random　had　said。
　〃Not　exactly；〃　I　remembered　saying。　〃Fiona's　allies　and　the　things　that　have　been　ing　in　on　the　black　road　are　the　same　guys。〃
　〃And　the　Circle　in　Lorraine？〃　Ganelon　had　asked。
　〃The　same。　That　was　how　it　manifested　itself　in　that　shadow。　They　came　a　great　distance。〃
　〃Ubiquitous　bastards；〃　Random　had　said。
　Nodding；　I　had　tried　to　explain。。。
　And　so　I　came　to　Tir…na　Nog'th。　When　the　moon　rose　and　the　apparition　of　Amber　came　faintly　into　the　heavens；　stars　showing　through　it；　pale　halo　about　its　towers；　tiny　flecks　of　movement　upon　its　walls；　I　waited；　waited　with　Ganelon　and　Random；　waited　on　the　highest　crop　of　Kolvir；　there　where　the　three　steps　are　fashioned；　roughly；　out　of　the　stone。。。
　When　the　moonlight　touched　them；　the　outline　of　the　entire　stairway　began　to　take　shape；　spanning　the　great　gulf　to　that　point　above　the　sea　the　vision　city　held。　When　the　moonlight　fell　full　upon　it；　the　stair　had　taken　as　much　of　substance　as　it　would　ever　possess；　and　I　set　my　foot　on　the　stone。。。　Random　held　a　full　deck　of　Trumps　and　I'd　mine　within　my　jacket。　Grayswandir；　forged　upon　this　very　stone　by　moonlight；　held　power　in　the　city　in　the　sky；　and　so　I　bore　my　blade　along。　I　had　rested　all　day；　and　I　held　a　staff　to　lean　upon。　Illusion　of　distance　and　time。。。　The　stairs　through　the　Corwin…ignoring　sky　escalate　somehow；　for　it　is　not　a　simple　arithmetic　progression　up　them　once　motion　has　menced。　I　was　here；　I　was　there；　I　was　a　quarter　of　the　way　up　before　my　shoulder　had　forgotten　the　clasp　of　Ganelon's　hand。。。　If　I　looked　too　hard　at　any　portion　of　the　stair；　it　lost　its　shimmering　opacity　and　I　saw　the　ocean　far　below　as　through　a　translucent　lens。。。　I　lost　track　of　time；　though　it　seems　it's　never　long；　afterward。。。　As　far　beneath　the　waves　as　I'd　soon　be　above　them；　off　to　my　right；　glittering　and　curling；　the　outline　of　Rebma　appeared　within　the　sea。　I　thought　of　Moire；　wondered　how　she　fared。　What　would　bee　of　our　deepwater　double　should　Amber　ever　fall？　Would　the　image　remain　unshattered　in　its　mirror？　Or　would　building　blocks　and　bones　be　taken　and　shaken　alike；　dice　in　the　deepwater　casino　canyons　our　fleets　fly　over？　No　answer　in　the　man　drowning；　Corwin…confounding　waters；　though　I　felt　a　twinge　in　my　side。
　At　the　head　of　the　stair；　I　entered；　ing　into　the　ghost　city　as　one　would　enter　Amber　after　mounting　the　great　forestair　up　Kolvir's　seaward　face。
　I　leaned　upon　the　rail；　looked　across　the　world。
　The　black　road　led　off　to　the　south。　I　could　not　see　it　by　night。　Not　that　it　mattered。　I　knew　now　where　it　led。　Or　rather　where　Brand　said　that　it　led。　As　he　appeared　to　have　used　up　a　life's　worth　of　reasons　for　lying；　I　believed　that　I　knew　where　it　led。
　All　the　way。
　From　the　brightness　of　Amber　and　the　power　and　clean…shining　splendor　of　adjacent　Shadow；　off　through　the　progressively　darkening　slices　of　image　that　lead　away　in　any　direction；　farther；　through　the　twisted　landscapes；　and　farther　still；　on　through　places　seen　only　when　drunk；　delirious；　or　dreamingly　illy；　and　farther　yet　again；　running　beyond　the　place　where　I　stop。。。　Where　I　stop。。。
　How　to　put　simply　that　which　is　not　a　simple　thing。。。？　Solipsism；　I　suppose；　is　where　we　have　to　begin　…　the　notion　that　nothing　exists　but　the　self；　or；　at　least；　that　we　cannot　truly　be　aware　of　anything　but　our　own　existence　and　experience。　I　can　find；　somewhere；　off　in　Shadow；　anything　I　can　visualize。　Any　of　us　can。　This；　in　good　faith；　does　not　transcend　the　limits　of　the　ego。　It　may　be　argued；　and　in　fact　has；　by　most　of　us；　that　we　create　the　shadows　we　visit　out　of　the　stuff　of　our　own　psyches；　that　we　alone　truly　exist；　that　the　shadows　we　traverse　are　but　projections　of　our　own　desires。。。　Whatever　the　merits　of　this　argument；　and　there　are　several；　it　does　go　far　toward　explaining　much　of　the　family's　attitude　toward　people；　places；　and　things　outside　of　Amber。　Namely；　we　are　toymakers　and　they；　our　playthings　…　sometimes　dangerously　animated；　to　be　sure；　but　this；　too；　is　part　of　the　game。　We　are　impresarios　by　temperament；　and　we　treat　one　another　accordingly。　While　solipsism　does　tend　to　leave　one　slightly　embarrassed　on　questions　of　etiology；　one　can　easily　avoid　the　embarrassment　by　refusing　to　admit　the　validity　of　the　questions。　Most　of　us　are；　as　I　have　often　observed；　almost　entirely　pragmatic　in　the　conduct　of　our　affairs。　Almost。。。
　Yet　…　yet　there　is　a　disturbing　element　in　the　picture。　There　is　a　place　where　the　shadows　go　mad。。。　When　you　purposely　push　yourself　through　layer　after　layer　of　Shadow；　surrendering　…　again；　purposely　…　a　piece　of　your　understanding　every　step　of　the　way；　you　e　at　last　to　a　mad　place　beyond　which　you　cannot　go。　Why　do　this？　In　hope　of　an　insight。　I'd　say；　or　a　new　game。。。　But　when　you　e　to　this　place；　as　we　all　have；　you　realize　that　you　have　reached　the　limit　of　Shadow　or　the　end　of　yourself　…　synonymous　terms；　as　we　had　always　thought。　Now；　though。。。
　Now　I　know　that　it　is　not　so；　now　as　I　stand；　waiting；　without　the　Courts　of　Chaos；　telling　you　what　it　was　like；　I　know　that　it　is　not　so。　But　I　knew　well　enough　then；　that　night；　in　Tir…na　Nog'th；　had　known　earlier；　when　I　had　fought　the　goat…man　in　the　Black　Circle　of　Lorraine；　had　known　that　day　in　the　Lighthouse　of　Cabra；　after　my　escape　from　the　dungeons　of　Amber；　when　I　had　looked　upon　ruined　Garnath。。。　I　knew　that　that　was　not　all　there　was　to　it。　I　knew　because　I　knew　that　the　black　road　ran　beyond　that　point。　It　passed　through　madness　into　chaos　and　kept　going；　the　things　that　traveled　across　it　came　from　somewhere；　but　they　were　not　my　things。　I　had　somehow　helped　to　grant　them　this　passage；　but　they　did　not　spring　from　my　version　of　reality。　They　were　their　own；　or　someone　else's　…　small　matter　there　…　and　they　tore　holes　in　that　small　metaphysic　we　had　woven　over　the　ages。　They　had　entered　our　preserve；　they　were　not　of　it；　they　threatened　it；　they　threatened　us。　Fiona　and　Brand　had　reached　beyond　everything　and　found　something；　where　none　of　the　rest　of　us　had　believed　anything　to　exist。　The　danger　released　was；　on　some　level；　almost　worth　the　evidence　obtained：　we　were　not　alone；　nor　were　shadows　truly　our　toys。　Whatever　our　relationship　with　Shadow；　I　could　nevermore　regard　it　in　the　old　light。。。
　All　because　the　black　road　headed　south　and　ran　beyond　the　end　of　the　world；　where　I　stop。
　Silence　and　silver。。。　Walking　away　from　the　rail；　leaning　on　my　stick；　passing　through　the　fog…spun；　mist…woven；　moonlight…brushed　fabric　of　vision　within　the　troubling　city。。。　Ghosts。。。　Shadows　of　shadows。。。　Images　of　probability。。。　Might…bes　and　might…have…beens。。。　Probability　lost。。。　Probability　regained。。。
　Walking；　across　the　promenade　now。。。　Figures；　faces；　many　of　them　familiar。。。　What　are　they　about？　Hard　to　say。。。　Some　lips　move；　some　faces　show　animation。　There　are　no　words　there　for　me。　I　pass　among　them；　unnoted。
　There。。。　One　such　figure。。。　Alone；　but　waiting。。。　Fingers　unknotting　minutes；　casting　them　away。。。　Face　averted；　and　I　wish　to　see　it。。。　A　sign　that　I　will　or　should。。。　She　sits　on　a　stone　bench　beneath　a　gnarly　tree。。。　She　gazes　in　the　direction　of　the　palace。。。　Her　form　is　quite　familiar。。。　Approaching；　I　see　that　it　is　Lorraine。。。　Sh