rl.thebourneidentity-第80部分

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　be　him'
　'I'm　him。'
　'Listen　to　me。　You're　very　dear　to　me；　my　darling；　and　that　could　blind　me；　I　know　it。　But　I　also　know　something　about　myself。　I'm　no　wide…eyed　flower　child；　I've　seen　a　share　of　this　world；　and　I　look　very　hard　and　very　closely　at　those　who
　attract　me。　Perhaps　to　confirm　what　I　like　to　think　are　my　values　…　and　they　are　values。　Mine；　nobody　else's。'　She　stopped　for　a　moment　and　moved　away　from　him。　'I've　watched　a　man　being　tortured　…　by　himself　and　by　others　…　and　he　won't　cry　out。　You　may　have　silent　screams；　but　you　won't　let　them　be　anyone　else's　burden　but　your　own。　Instead；　you　probe　and　dig　and　try　to　understand。　And　that；　my　friend；　is　not　the　mind　of　a　cold…blooded　killer；　any　more　than　what　you've　done　and　want　to　do　for　me。　I　don't　know　what　you　were　before；　or　what　crimes　you're　guilty　of；　but　they're　not　what　you　believe　…　what　others　want　you　to　believe。　Which　brings　me　back　to　those　values　I　spoke　of。　I　know　myself。　I　couldn't　love　the　man　you　say　you　are。　I　love　the　man　I　know　you　are。　You　just　confirmed　it　again。　No　killer　would　make　the　offer　you　just　made。　And　that　offer；　sir；　is　respectfully　rejected。'
　'You're　a　goddamn　fool！'　exploded　Jason。　'I　can　help　you；　you　can't　help　me！　Leave　me　something　for　Christ's　sake！'
　'I　won't！　Not　that　way！。。。'　Suddenly　Marie　broke　off。　Her　lips　parted。　'I　think　I　just　did；'　she　said；　whispering。
　'Did　what？'　asked　Bourne　angrily。
　'Gave　us　both　something。'　She　turned　back　to　him。　'I　just　said　it；　it's　been　there　a　long　time。　〃What　others　want　you　to　believe。。。。'
　'What　the　hell　are　you　talking　about？'
　'Your　crimes。。。　what　others　want　you　to　believe　are　your　crimes。'
　They're　there。　They're　mine。
　'Wait　a　minute。　Suppose　they　were　there　but　they　weren't　yours？　Suppose　the　evidence　was　planted　…　as　expertly　as　it　was　planted　against　me　in　Zurich　…　but　it　belongs　to　someone　else。　Jason；　you　don't　know　when　you　lost　your　memory。'
　'Port　Noir。'
　That's　when　you　began　to　build　one；　not　when　you　lost　it。　Before　Port　Noir；　it　could　explain　so　much。　It　could　explain　you；　the　contradiction　between　you　and　the　man　people　think　you　are。'
　'You're　wrong。　Nothing　could　explain　the　memories　…　the　images　…　that　e　back　to　me。'
　'Maybe　you　just　remember　what　you've　been　told；'　said　Marie。　'Over　and　over　and　over　again。　Until　there　was　nothing　else。　Photographs；　recordings；　visual　and　aural　stimuli。'
　'You're　describing　a　walking；　functioning　vegetable　who's　been　brainwashed。　That's　not　me。'
　She　looked　at　him；　speaking　gently。　'I'm　describing　an　intelligent；　very　ill　man　whose　background　conformed　with　what　other　men　were　looking　for。　Do　you　know　how　easily　such　a　man　might　be　found？　They're　in　hospitals　everywhere；　in　private　sanatoriums；　in　military　wards。'　She　paused；　then　continued　quickly。　That　newspaper　article　told　another　truth。　I'm　reasonably　proficient　with　puters；　anyone　doing　what　I　do　would　be。　If　I　were　looking　for　a　curve…example　that　incorporated　isolated　factors；　I'd　know　how　to　do　it　Conversely；　if　someone　was　looking　for　a　man　suffering　from　amnesia；　whose　background　incorporated　specific　skills；　languages；　racial　characteristics；　the　medical　data　banks　could　provide　candidates。　God　knows；　not　many　in　your　case；　perhaps　only　a　few；　perhaps　only　one。　But　one　man　was　all　they　were　looking　for；　all　they　needed'
　Bourne　glanced　at　the　countryside；　trying　to　pry　open　the　steel　doors　of　his　mind；　trying　to　find　a　semblance　of　the　hope　she　felt　'What　you're　saying　is　that　I'm　a　reproduced　illusion；'　he　said；　making　the　statement　flatly。
　That's　the　end　effect；　but　it's　not　what　I'm　saying。　I'm　saying　it's　possible　you've　been　manipulated。　Used。　It　would　explain　so　much。'　She　touched　his　hand。　'You　tell　me　there　are　times　when　things　want　to　burst　out　of　you　…　blow　your　head　apart'　'Words　…　places；　names　…　they　trigger　things。'　'Jason；　isn't　it　possible　they　trigger　the　false　things？　The　things　you've　been　told　over　and　over　again；　but　you　can't　relive。　You　can't　see　them　clearly；　because　they're　not　you。'　'I　doubt　it　I've　seen　what　I　can　do。　I've　done　them　before。'　'You　could　have　done　them　for　other　reasons！。。。　Goddamn　you；　I'm　fighting　for　my　life！　For　both　our　lives！。。。　All　right！　You　can　think　and　feel。　Think　now；　feel　now！　Look　at　me　and　tell　me　you've　looked　inside　yourself；　inside　your　thoughts　and　feelings；　and　you　know　without　a　doubt　you're　an　assassin　called　Cain！　If　you　can　do　that　…　really　do　that　…　then　bring　me　to　Zurich；　take　the　blame　for　everything；　and　get　out　of　my　life！　But　if　you　can't；　stay　with　me　and　let　me　help　you。　And　love　me；　for　God's　sake。　Love　me；　Jason。'　Bourne　took　her　hand；　holding　it　firmly；　as　one　might　an　angry；　trembling　child。　'It's　not　a　question　of　feeling　or　thinking。　I　saw　the　account　at　the　Gemeinschaft；　the　entries　go　back　a　long　time。　They　correspond　with　all　the　things　I've　learned。'
　'But　that　account；　those　entries；　could　have　been　created　yesterday；　or　last　week；　or　six　months　ago！　Everything　you've　heard　and　read　about　yourself　could　be　part　of　a　pattern　designed　by　those　who　want　you　to　take　Cain's　place！　You're　not　Cain；　but　they　want　you　to　think　you　are；　want　others　to　think　you　are！　But　there's　someone　out　there　who　knows　you're　not　Cain　and　he's　trying　to　tell　you。。。　I　have　my　proof；　too。　My　lover's　alive；　but　two　friends　are　dead　because　they　got　between　you　and　the　one　who's　sending　you　the　message；　who's　trying　to　save　your　life。　They　were　killed　by　the　same　people　who　want　to　sacrifice　you　to　Carlos　in　place　of　Cain。。。　You　said　before　that　everything　fitted。　It　didn't；　Jason；　but　this　does！　It　explains　you。'
　'A　hollow　shell　who　doesn't　even　own　the　memories　he　thinks　he　has？　With　demons　running　around　inside　kicking　hell　out　of　the　walls？　It's　not　a　pleasant　prospect。
　'Those　aren't　demons；　my　darling。　They're　parts　of　you；　angry；　furious；　screaming　to　get　out　because　they　don't　belong　in　the　shell　you've　given　them。'
　'And　if　I　blow　that　shell　apart；　what'll　I　find？'
　'Many　things。'　Some　good；　some　bad；　a　great　deal　that's　been　hurt　But　Cain　won't　be　there；　I　promise　you　that　I　believe　in　you；　my　darling。　Please　don't　give　up。'
　He　kept　his　distance；　a　glass　wall　between　them。　'And　if　we're　wrong？　Finally　wrong？　What　then？'
　'Leave　me　quickly。　Or　kill　me。　I　don't　care。'
　'I　love　you。'
　'I　know。　That's　why　I'm　not　afraid。'
　'I　found　two　telephone　numbers　hi　Lavier's　office。　The　first　was　for　Zurich；　the　other　here　in　Paris。　With　any　luck；　they　can　lead　me　to　the　one　number　I　need。'
　'New　York？　Treadstone？'
　'Yes。　The　answer's　there。　If　I'm　not　Cain；　someone　at　that　number　knows　who　I　am。'
　They　drove　back　to　Paris　on　the　assumption　that　they　would　be　far　less　obvious　among　the　crowds　of　the　city　than　in　an　isolated　country　inn。　A　blond…haired　man　wearing　tortoise…shell　glasses　and　a　striking　but　stern…faced　woman；　devoid　of　make…up　and　with　her　hair　pulled　back　like　an　intense　graduate　student　at　the　Sorbonne；　were　not　out　of　place　in　Montmartre。　They　took　a　room　at　the　Terrasse　on　the　rue　de　Maistre；　registering　as　a　married　couple　from　Brussels。
　In　the　room；　they　stood　for　a　moment；　no　words　necessary　for　what　each　was　seeing　and　feeling。　They　came　together；　touching；　holding；　closing　out　the　abusive　world　that　refused　them　peace；　that　kept　them　balancing　on　taut　wires　next　to　each　other；　high　above　a　dark　abyss；　if　either　fell；　it　was　the　end　for　both。
　Bourne　could　not　change　his　colour　for　the　immediate　moment　It　would　be　false；　and　there　was　no　room　for　artifice。　'We　need　some　rest；'　he　said。　'We've　got　to　get　some　sleep。　It's　going　to　be　a　long　day。'
　They　made　love。　Gently；　pletely；　each　with　the　other　in　the　warm；　rhythmic　fort　of　the　bed。　And　there　was　a　moment；　a　foolish　moment；　when　adjustment　of　an　angle　was　breathlessly　necessary　and　they　laughed。　It　was　a　quiet　laugh；　at　first　even　an　embarrassed　laugh；　but　the　observation　was　there；　the　appraisal　of　foolishness　intrinsic　to　something　very　deep　between　them。　They　held　each　other　more　fiercely　when　the　moment　passed；　more　and　more　intent　on　sweeping　away　the　awful　sounds　and　the　terrible　sights　of　a　dark　world　that　kept　them　spinning　in　its　winds。　They　were　suddenly