dw.jimmythekid-第13部分

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　〃Well；〃　Dr。　Schraubenzieher　said；　〃why　don't　we　study　the　implications。　You　feel　that　you　are　being　watched；　that　you　are　somehow　a　target。　Is　that　right？〃
　〃That's　right。　A　very　specific　sensation　of　eyes；　of　being　observed　for　some　purpose。　It's　like　that　well…known　phenomenon　of　being　on　a　plane　and　feeling　that　one　is　under　observation；　and　then　looking　around　to　see　that　some　other　passenger　actually　is　looking　at　you。〃
　〃And　in　the　current　situation？　Is　anyone　actually　looking　at　you？〃
　Jimmy　frowned　at　the　drapes。　They　moved　slightly；　stirred　by　the　quiet　air…conditioner　in　the　wall　below。　〃I　don't　know；〃　he　said。　〃So　far　I　haven't　caught　anyone　at　it。〃
　〃Caught　anyone？　A　very　suggestive　phrase；　that。〃
　〃But　that's　the　way　it　feels。〃　Jimmy　concentrated；　trying　to　get　in　touch　with　his　feelings。　He'd　been　in　analysis　for　nearly　four　years；　and　was　very　professional　about　it　by　now。　〃There's　an　element　of　。　。　…　sport　in　it；〃　he　said。　〃As　though　it's　a　game；　and　I　win　if　I　catch　them　looking　at　me。　I　know　that　sounds　childish；　but　that　is　the　sensation。〃
　〃As　I　am　forced　to　remind　you　frequently；　Jimmy；〃　Dr。　Schraubenzieher　said　mildly；　〃you　are　a　child。　A　childlike　response；　even　from　you；　is　not　necessarily　a　negative　event。〃
　〃I　know；〃　Jimmy　said。　One　of　his　unresolved　and　so…far　unstated　disagreements　with　the　doctor　concerned　this　aspect　of　childlike　behavior；　Jimmy　felt　that　his　own　disapproval　of　such　behavior　in　himself　was　so　instinctive　and　so　strong　that　it　simply　had　to　be　trusted。　He　was　not；　however；　prepared　as　yet　to　debate　the　issue　with　Dr。　Schrauhenzieher；　so　he　altered　the　subject　slightly；　saying；　〃Why　did　you　say　that　'caught　anyone'　was　a　suggestive　phrase？〃
　〃You　know　very　well　why；〃　the　doctor　said；　he　himself　knew　very　well　why　Jimmy　was　veering　away　from　the　topic　of　childishness；　but　he　wouldn't　push　the　matter。　In　the　course　of　the　analysis　the　debate　must　eventually　arise；　and　it　would　be　better　to　wait　for　Jimmy　to　feel　strong　enough　to　raise　the　subject　himself。
　At　the　moment；　Jimmy　had　hared　off　after　this　semantic　scent。　〃I　don't　see　that　'caught　anyone'　is　a　particularly　pertinent　phrase；〃　he　said。　〃It's　merely　the　standard　idiom　in　that　circumstance；　normal　American　usage：　'I　caught　him　looking　at　me　is　simply　the　way　that　s　said。　I　suppose　it's　the　mind's　instinctive　aversion　to　the　duplication　of　idea　implicit　in　'I　saw　him　looking。'　On　the　other　hand；　I　could　merely　be　evading　the　issue；　analyzing　it　away。〃
　〃One　of　the　great　problems　in　analysis；〃　the　doctor　said；　〃is　that　the　patient　may　merely　bee　cleverer　at　avoiding　self…prehension。　To　evade　my　suggestion　by　offering　the　titillation　of　a　friendly　discussion　on　idiomatic　usage　is　wily　enough；　but　then　to　suggest　yourself　that　you　are　trying　an　evasion　technique　is　almost　too　clever。　The　idea　being；　of　course；　that　we　will　now　go　off　on　the　tangent　of　your　evasion　mechanisms；　and　therefore　safely　avoid　discussion　of　either　your　dislike　of　childhood　mannerisms　or　your　fear　of　petition。〃
　〃Fear　of　petition？〃　Once　again　Jimmy　avoided　the　childish…behavior　problem；　this　time　realizing　just　a　second　too　late　that　in　dodging　away　from　that　he　had　landed　himself　squarely　in　the　topic　the　doctor　really　wanted　to　discuss。　Before　seeing　the　trap；　though；　he　had　already　blundered　ahead　by　asking；　〃Where　does　that　e　in？　We　weren't　discussing　my　fear　of　petition。〃
　〃Oh；　but　we　were；〃　the　doctor　said；　and　Jimmy　could　hear　the　smugness　of　victory　in　the　man's　voice。　〃You　spoke　of　being　someone's　target。　You　said　it　was　like　a　sport　or　a　game。　You　said　you　hadn't　caught　anyone　yet；　but　that　you　felt　if　you　did　catch　someone　you　would　win。〃
　〃I　think　you're　just　playing　semantics　with　me。〃
　〃You　mean　you'd　rather　I　would　play　semantics　with　you。　But　I　won't。　I　will　instead　point　out　that　in　being　in　the　top　two　percentile　of　IQ；　you　naturally　know　that　you　stand　out　from　your　peers；　even　among　the　boys　of　Bradley　School。　Being　wealthy　also　sets　you　apart。　You　are　inevitably　and　naturally　the　target　of　many　eyes。　You　have　been　taught　that　much　is　expected　of　you；　and　you　are　aware　of　the　level　of　performance　that　you　should　be　capable　of　maintaining。　Your　petition　is　with　your　own　excellence；　it　is　played　out　very　much　in　public；　and　you　fear　your　inadequacy　to　maintain　your　own　standard。　Thus　your　desire　to　make　motion　pictures；　to　be　the　director　and　have　the　opportunity　to　safely　be　in　charge；　first　to　define　the　action　and　then　to　capture　it　permanently　on　film；　where　it　can't　get　out　of　your　control。〃
　〃I　thought　we'd　agreed；〃　Jimmy　said　coldly；　〃not　to　mention　that　ambition　of　mine。〃
　〃You're　right；〃　the　doctor　said。　〃I　do　apologize。〃
　The　fact　was；　the　only　time　Jimmy　had　ever　demonstrated　real　anger　toward　Dr。　Schraubenzieher　had　been　on　this　subject　of　movies。　He　knew　that　he　wanted　to　make　movies　because　he　was　an　artist；　the　doctor；　assuming　him　to　be　a　child；　assumed　the　desire　to　be　childish。　He　had　asked　for　movie　equipment；　and　the　Christmas　before　last　he　had　been　given　a　Super　8　silent　camera　and　projector。　Super　8！　Would　they　have　given　Mozart　a　toy　piano？　Wasn't　Mozart　a　child？
　Well；　he'd　been　through　those　arguments；　to　no　effect。　Except　that　this　last　Christmas　he'd　been　given　some　basic　16mm　equipment；　with　a　potential　capacity　for　sound。　Still；　it　wasn't　home　movies　he　was　interested　in；　it　was　film　art。
　But　they　weren't　going　to　talk　about　that；　it　had　been　agreed；　after　his　one　outburst；　to　let　the　subject　lie。　The　doctor　had　made　a　mistake　in　bringing　it　up；　but　had　immediately　apologized；　and　that　at　least　was　something。　Jimmy；　who　had　gone　rigid；　relaxed　again　and　said；　〃I'm　sorry。　Where　were　we？　petition　with　myself；　wasn't　it？〃
　〃Exactly。　petition　with　your　own　high　standard。　Thus　your　fear　of　being　childlike；　as　though　to　act　your　age　would　be　somehow　to　fail　to　live　up　to　your　potential。　You　have　a　brilliant　mind…for　your　age。　You　are　extremely　imaginative　and　resourceful…for　your　age。〃
　〃But　isn't　there　a　fallacy；〃　Jimmy　asked；　〃in　the　concept　of　petition　with　one's　own　capabilities？　There　can't　be　failure；　because　an　apparent　failure　would　merely　indicate　a　faulty　original　estimate　of　the　capabilities。　The　estimate　should　then　be　geared　down　to　the　actual　acplishment；　thus　obliterating　the　apparent　failure。　And　if　failure　is　impossible；　ipso　facto　victory　is　also　impossible。　Without　the　potential　for　either　victory　or　failure；　how　can　there　be　petition？〃
　Dr。　Schraubenzieher　smiled　at　the　back　of　the　boy's　head。　Very　well；　he　would　give　the　child　a　rest；　particularly　since　Jimmy　had　behaved　so　decently　about　the　motion　picture　slip。　For　the　remainder　of　the　session　they　played　word　games。
　At　the　end；　when　Jimmy　was　leaving　the　consulting　room；　he　paused　in　the　doorway；　looked　at　the　doctor　with　a　troubled　frown；　and　said；　〃Do　you　suppose　by　any　chance　somebody　is　watching　me？〃
　The　doctor　smiled　indulgently。　He's　projecting　the　motion　picture　director　theme；　he　thought；　but　of　course　didn't　say　that。　〃Certainly　not；〃　he　said。　〃We　both　know　better；　don't　we？〃
　〃I　suppose　so。　See　you　Friday。〃
　
　11
　
　K　E　L　P；　sitting　in　the　back　seat　with　the　Mickey　Mouse　masks；　said；　〃Here　he　es。〃
　〃I　see　him；〃　Dortmunder　said。　Dortmunder　was　driving；　and　May　was　sitting　next　to　him。　Kelp　was　the　one　who　had　gotten　this　car；　a　blue　Caprice　with　MD　plates；　and　it　had　been　his　intention　to　drive　it；　but　Dortmunder　had　said；　〃I'll　drive。〃　No　explanation；　just　a　sort　of　heavy　determination　that　Kelp　had　found　it　impossible　to　argue　with。　So　Kelp　was　now　in　the　back　seat；　leaning　forward　between　Dortmunder　and　May；　watching　through　the　windshield　as　the　kid…somewhat　tall　for　his　age；　but　very　skinny…came　out　of　the　apartment　building　and　was　escorted　into　the　gray　Cadillac　by　the　doorman。
　Dortmunder　started　the　engine　of　the　Caprice。　Kelp　said；　〃You　don't　want　to　follow　too　close。　Hang　back　a　couple　cars。〃
　〃Shut　up；　Andy；〃　Dortmunder　said；　and　May　turned　to　look　at　Kelp　and　give　him　a　little　nod；　suggesting　that　he　should　humor　Dortmunder　at　the　moment　by　leaving　him　alone。
　〃Anything　you　say；〃　Kelp　said；　and　relaxed　against　the　seat　back　as　Dortmunder　eased　the　Capr