gc.thewhiterose-第48部分

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o　make　that　stuff　worth　the　trouble。〃
　　　Sly　shot；　Croaker。　Put　them　on　the　defensive。　Tell　them　the　pany　fell　to　its　current　pitiful　state　laboring　for　the　Lady。　Remind　them　that　it　was　the　empire's　satraps　who　turned　first。　That　must　be　mon　knowledge　by　now；　among　the　officer　corps。　Something　they　should　think　about　occasionally。
　　　〃Pity；　that；〃　the　Colonel　said。
　　　〃You　my　personal　watchdog？〃
　　　〃Yes。　She　sets　great　store　by　you　for　some　reason。〃
　　　〃I　wrote　her　a　poem　once；〃　I　lied。　〃I　also　got　the　goods　on　her。〃
　　　He　frowned；　decided　I　was　bullshitting。
　　　〃Thanks；〃　I　said；　by　way　of　extending　an　olive　branch。　〃I'll　write　for　a　while　before　I　go。〃　I　was　way　behind。　Except　for　a　bit　at　Blue　Willy　I　had　done　nothing　but　jot　an　occasional　note　since　leaving　the　Plain。
　　　I　wrote　till　cramps　pelled　me　to　stop。　Then　I　ate；　for　a　guard　brought　a　meal　as　I　sanded　my　last　sheet。　Done　gobbling；　I　went　to　the　door；　told　the　lad　there　I　was　ready　to　go　topside。　When　he　opened　up　I　discovered　I　was　not　locked　in。
　　　But　where　the　hell　could　I　go　if　I　got　out？　Silly　even　thinking　of　escape。
　　　I　had　a　feeling　I　was　about　to　take　on　the　official　historian　job。　Like　it　or　no；　it　would　be　the　least　of　many　evils。
　　　Some　tough　decisions　stared　me　in　the　eye。　I　wanted　time　to　think　them　over。　The　Lady　understood。　Certainly　she　had　the　power　and　talent　to　be　more　foresighted　than　a　physician　who　had　spent　six　years　out　of　touch。
　　　Sunset。　Fire　in　the　west；　clouds　in　raging　flame。　The　sky　a　wealth　of　unusual　colors。　A　chill　breeze　from　the　north；　just　enough　to　shiver　and　refresh。　My　guardian　stayed　well　away；　permitting　the　illusion　of　freedom。　I　walked　to　the　northern　parapet。
　　　There　was　little　evidence　of　the　great　battle　fought　below。　Where　once　trenches；　palisades；　earthworks；　and　siege　engines　had　stood；　and　burned；　and　tens　of　thousands　had　died；　there　was　parkland。　A　single　black　stone　Stella　marked　the　site；　five　hundred　yards　from　the　Tower。
　　　The　crash　and　roar　returned。　I　remembered　the　Rebel　horde；　relentless；　like　the　sea；　wave　after　wave；　smashing　upon　unyielding　cliffs　of　defenders。　I　recalled　the　feuding　Taken；　their　fey　and　fell　deaths；　the　wild　and　terrible　sorceries　。　。　。
　　　〃It　was　a　battle　of　battles；　was　it　not？〃
　　　I　did　not　turn　as　she　joined　me。　〃It　was。　I　never　did　it　justice。〃
　　　〃They　will　sing　of　it。〃　She　glanced　up。　Stars　had　begun　to　appear。　In　the　twilight　her　face　seemed　pale　and　strained。　Never　before　had　I　seen　her　in　any　but　the　most　self…possessed　mood。
　　　〃What　is　it？〃　Now　I　did　turn；　and　saw　a　group　of　soldiers　some　distance　away；　watching；　either　awed　or　aghast。
　　　〃I　have　performed　a　divination。　Several；　in　fact；　for　I　did　not　get　satisfactory　results。〃
　　　〃And？〃
　　　〃Perhaps　I　got　no　results　at　all。〃
　　　I　waited。　You　do　not　press　the　most　powerful　being　in　the　world。　That　she　was　on　the　verge　of　confiding　in　a　mortal　was　stunning　enough。
　　　〃All　is　flux。　I　divined　three　possible　futures。　We　are　headed　for　a　crisis；　a　history…shaping　hour。〃
　　　I　turned　slightly　toward　her。　Violet　light　shaded　her　face。　Dark　hair　tumbled　down　over　one　cheek。　It　was　not　artifice；　for　once；　and　the　impulse　to　touch；　to　hold；　perhaps　to　fort；　was　powerful。　〃Three　futures？〃
　　　〃Three。　I　could　not　find　my　place　in　any。〃
　　　What　do　you　say　at　a　moment　like　that？　That　maybe　there　was　an　error？　You　accuse　the　Lady　of　making　a　mistake。
　　　〃In　one；　your　deaf　child　triumphs。　But　it　is　the　least　likely　chance；　and　she　and　all　hers　perish　gaining　the　victory。　In　another；　my　husband　breaks　the　grasp　of　the　grave　and　reestablishes　his　Domination。　That　darkness　lasts　ten　thousand　years。　In　the　third　vision；　he　is　destroyed　forever　and　all。　It　is　the　strongest　vision；　the　demanding　vision。　But　the　price　is　great　。　。　。　Are　there　gods；　Croaker？　I　never　believed　in　gods。〃
　　　〃I　don't　know；　Lady。　No　religion　I　ever　encountered　made　any　sense。　None　are　consistent。　Most　gods　are　megalomaniacs　and　paranoid　psychotics　by　their　worshipers'　description。　I　don't　see　how　they　could　survive　their　own　insanity。　But　it's　not　impossible　that　human　beings　are　incapable　of　interpreting　a　power　so　much　greater　than　themselves。　Maybe　religions　are　twisted　and　perverted　shadows　of　truth。　Maybe　there　are　forces　which　shape　the　world。　I　myself　have　never　understood　why；　in　a　universe　so　vast；　a　god　would　care　about　something　so　trivial　as　worship　or　human　destiny。〃
　　　〃When　I　was　a　child　。　。　。　my　sisters　and　I　had　a　teacher。〃
　　　Did　I　pay　attention？　You　bet　your　sweet　ass　I　did。　I　was　ears　from　my　toenails　to　the　top　of　my　pointy　head。　〃A　teacher？〃
　　　〃Yes。　He　argued　that　we　are　the　gods；　that　we　create　our　own　destiny。　That　what　we　are　determines　what　will　bee　of　us。　In　a　peasantlike　vernacular；　we　all　paint　ourselves　into　corners　from　which　there　is　no　escape　simply　by　being　ourselves　and　interacting　with　other　selves。〃
　　　〃Interesting。〃
　　　〃Well。　Yes。　There　is　a　god　of　sorts；　Croaker。　Do　you　know？　Not　a　mover　and　shaker；　though。　Simply　a　negator。　An　ender　of　tales。　He　has　a　hunger　than　cannot　be　sated。　The　universe　itself　will　slide　down　his　maw。〃
　　　〃Death？〃
　　　〃I　do　not　want　to　die；　Croaker。　All　that　I　am　shrieks　against　the　unrighteousness　of　death。　All　that　I　am；　was；　and　probably　will　be；　is　shaped　by　my　passion　to　evade　the　end　of　me。〃　She　laughed　quietly；　but　there　was　a　thread　of　hysteria　there。　She　gestured；　indicating　the　shadowed　killing　ground　below。　〃I　would　have　built　a　world　in　which　I　was　safe。　And　the　cornerstone　of　my　citadel　would　have　been　death。〃
　　　The　end　of　the　dream　was　drawing　close。　I　could　not　imagine　a　world　without　me　in　it；　either。　And　the　inner　me　was　outraged。　Is　outraged。　I　have　no　trouble　imagining　someone　being　obsessed　with　escaping　death。　〃I　understand。〃
　　　〃Maybe。　We're　all　equals　at　the　dark　gate；　no？　The　sands　run　for　us　all。　Life　is　but　a　flicker　shouting　into　the　jaws　of　eternity。　But　it　seems　so　damned　unfair！〃
　　　Old　Father　Tree　entered　my　thoughts。　He　would　perish　in　time。　Yes。　Death　is　insatiable　and　cruel。
　　　〃Have　you　reflected？〃　she　asked。
　　　〃I　think　so。　I'm　no　necromancer。　But　I've　seen　roads　I　don't　want　to　walk。〃
　　　〃Yes。　You're　free　to　go；　Croaker。〃
　　　Shock。　Even　my　heels　tingled　with　disbelief。　〃Say　what？〃
　　　〃You're　free。　The　Tower　gate　is　open。　You　need　but　walk　out　it。　But　you're　also　free　to　remain；　to　reenter　the　lists　in　the　struggle　that　envelopes　us　all。〃
　　　There　was　almost　no　light　left　except　for　some　sun　hitting　very　high　clouds。　Against　the　deep　indigo　in　the　east　a　squadron　of　bright　pinpricks　moved　westward。　They　seemed　headed　toward　the　Tower。
　　　I　gabbled　something　that　made　no　sense。
　　　〃Will　she；　nihil　she；　the　Lady　of　Charm　is　at　war　with　her　husband　once　more；〃　she　said。　〃And　till　that　struggle　is　lost　or　won；　there　is　no　other。　You　see　the　Taken　returning。　The　armies　of　the　east　are　marching　toward　the　Barrowland。　Those　beyond　the　Plain　have　been　ordered　to　withdraw　to　garrisons　farther　east。　Your　deaf　child　is　in　no　danger　unless　she　es　looking　for　it。　There　is　an　armistice。　Perhaps　eternally。〃　Weak　smile。　〃If　there　is　no　Lady；　there　is　no　one　for　the　White　Rose　to　battle。〃
　　　She　left　me　then；　in　total　confusion；　and　went　to　greet　her　champions。　The　carpets　came　down　out　of　the　darkness；　settling　like　autumn　leaves。　I　moved　a　little　nearer　till　my　personal　guardian　indicated　that　my　relationship　with　the　Lady　was　insufficiently　close　to　permit　eavesdropping。
　　　The　wind　grew　more　chill；　blowing　out　of　the　north。　And　I　wondered　if　it　might　not　be　autumn　for　us　all。
　　　
　　　Chapter　Forty：　MAKING　UP　MY　MIND
　　　
　　　She　never　once　demanded　anything。　Even　her　hints　were　so　oblique　they　left　everything　to　me　to　work　out。　Two　days　after　our　evening　on　the　ramparts　I　asked　the　Colonel　if　I　might　see　her。　He　said　he　would　ask。　I　suspect　he　was　under　instructions。　Otherwise　there　would　have　been　arguments。
　　　Another　day　passed　before　he　came　to　say　the　Lady　had　time　for　me。
　　　I　closed　my　inkwell；　cleaned　my　quill；　and　rose。　〃Thank　you。〃　He　looked　at　me　oddly。　〃Is　something　wrong？〃
　　　〃No。　Just　。　。　。　〃
　　　I　understood。　〃I　don't　know　either。　I'm　sure　she　has　some　special　use　for　me。〃
　　　That　brightened　the　Colonel's　day。　That　he　cou