jamesclavell.noblehouse-第177部分

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apologies。〃
　He　laughed。　〃Refused。〃
　〃Thank　God！〃　She　watched　him。　〃Actually；　Linc；　I　can　usually　handle　the　strong；　the　meek；　and　the　cunning　…　even　the　very　cunning　…　without　too　much　trouble。　I　guess　I've　known　every　kind　of　pass　it's　possible　for　a　girl　to　have　and　I've　always　figured　I've　an　automatic　game　plan　to　counter　them　almost　before　they　begin。　But　with　you　。。。〃　She　hesitated；　then　added；　〃Sorry；　but　almost　every　man　I　meet；　well；　it's　always　the　same。〃
　〃That's　wrong？〃
　〃No；　but　it's　trying　to　walk　into　a　room　or　a　restaurant　and　feel　those　leering　eyes。　I　wonder　how　men　would　handle　it。　You're　young　and　handsome。　What　would　you　do　if　women　did　it　to　you　everywhere　you　went。　Say　when　you　walked　through　the　lobby　of　the　V　and　A　this　morning　you　saw　every　woman　of　every　age；　from　false…toothed　old　grannies；　bewigged　harpies；　the　fat；　the　ugly；　the　coarse；　all　of　them；　all　openly　leering　at　you；　undressing　you　mentally；　openly　trying　to　get　close；　trying　to　stroke　your　behind；　openly　ogling　your　chest　or　crotch；　most　of　them　with　bad　breath；　most　of　them　sweating　and　foul…smelling；　and　you　know　they're　imagining　you　in　their　bed；　enthusiastically　and　happily　doing　the　most　intimate　things　to　them。〃
　〃I　wouldn't　like　it　at　all。　Casey　said　the　same　thing　in　different　words　when　she　first　joined　me。　I　know　what　you　mean；　Orlanda。　At　least　I　can　imagine　it。　But　that's　the　way　the　world's　made。〃
　〃Yes；　and　sometimes　it's　awful。　Oh　I　don't　want　to　be　a　man；　Linc；　I'm　very　happy　to　be　a　woman；　but　it's　really　quite　awful　sometimes。　To　know　you're　thought　of　as　just　a　receptacle　that　can　be　bought；　and　that　after　it　all　you're　to　say　thank　you　very　much　to　the　corpulent　old　lecher　with　the　bad　breath　and　accept　your　twenty…dollar　bill　and　sneak　off　like　a　thief　in　the　night。〃
　He　frowned。　〃How　did　we　get　on　this　kick？〃
　She　laughed。　〃You　kissed　me。〃
　He　grinned；　glad　they　were　happy　together。　〃That's　right。　So　maybe　I　deserved　the　lecture。　I'm　guilty　as　charged。　Now；　about　that　kiss　you　promised　me。　。。。〃　But　he　did　not　move。　He　was　feeling　his　way；　probing。　Everything's　changed　now；　he　thought。　Sure　I　wanted　to　…　what　did　she　call　it？　To　pillow。　Sure。　Still　do；　more　than　before。　But　now　we're　changed。　Now　we're　in　a　different　game。　I　don't　know　if　I　want　in。　The　rules've　changed。　Before　it　was　simple。　Now　maybe　it's　more　simple。　〃You're　pretty。　Did　I　mention　you　were　pretty？〃　he　said；　avoiding　the　issue　that　she　wanted　out　in　the　open。
　〃I　was　going　to　talk　about　that　kiss。　You　see；　Linc；　the　truth　is　I　just　wasn't　prepared　for　the　way；　to　be　honest；　the　way　I；　I　was　swamped；　I　guess　that's　the　word。〃
　He　let　the　word　linger。　〃Is　that　good　or　bad？〃
　〃Both。〃　Her　eyes　crinkled　with　her　smile。　〃Yes；　swamped　with　my　own　desire。　You're　something　else；　Mr。　Bartlett；　and　that's　also　very　bad；　or　very　good。　I；　I　enjoyed　your　kiss。〃
　〃So　did　I。〃　Again　he　grinned　at　her。　〃You　can　call　me　Linc。〃　After　a　pause　she　said；　〃I've　never　felt　so　wanting　and　swamped；　and　because　of　that　very　frightened。〃
　〃No　need　to　be　frightened；〃　he　said。　But　he　was　wondering　what　to　do。　His　instincts　said　leave。　His　instincts　said　stay。　Wisdom　told　him　to　say　nothing　and　wait。　He　could　hear　his　heart　beating　and　the　rain　hammering　the　windows。　Better　to　go；　he　thought。　〃Orlanda；　guess　it's　ab…　〃
　〃Do　you　have　time　to　talk？　Just　a　little？〃　she　asked；　sensing　his　indecision。
　〃Sure。　Sure；　of　course。〃
　Her　fingers　brushed　her　hair　from　her　face。　〃I　wanted　to　tell　you　about　me。　Quillan　was　my　father's　boss　in　Shanghai　and　I　seem　to　have　known　him　all　my　life。　He　helped　pay　for　my　education；　particularly　in　the　States　and　he　was　always　very　kind　to　me　and　my　family　…　I've　four　sisters　and　a　brother　and　I'm　the　oldest　and　they're　all　in　Portugal　now。　When　I　came　back　to　Shanghai　from　San　Francisco　after　I'd　graduated；　I　was　seventeen；　almost　eighteen　and　。。。　Well　he's　an　attractive　man；　to　me　he　is；　though　very　cruel　sometimes。　Very。〃
　〃How？〃
　〃He　believes　in　personal　vengeance；　that　vengeance　is　a　man's　right；　if　he's　a　man。　Quillan's　very　much　a　man。　He　was　always　good　to　me；　still　is。〃　She　studied　him。　〃Quillan　still　gives　me　an　allowance；　still　pays　for　this　apartment。〃
　〃You　don't　have　to　tell　me　anything。〃
　〃I　know。　But　I'd　like　to　…　if　you　want　to　listen。　Then　you　can　decide。〃
　He　studied　her。　〃All　right。〃
　〃You　see；　part　of　it's　because　I'm　Eurasian。　Most　Europeans　despise　us；　openly　or　secretly；　particularly　the　British　here　…　Linc；　just　hear　me　out。　Most　Europeans　despise　Eurasians。　All　Chinese　do。　So　we're　always　on　the　defensive；　almost　always　suspect；　almost　always　presumed　to　be　illegitimate；　and　certainly　an　easy　lay。　God　how　I　loathe　that　Americanism！　How　rotten　and　vulgar　and　cheap　it　really　is。　And　revealing　about　the　American　male　…　though；　strangely；　it　was　in　the　States　that　I　gained　my　self…respect　and　got　over　my　Eurasian　guilt。　Quillan　taught　me　lots　and　formed　me　in　lots　of　ways。　I'm　beholden　to　him。　But　I　don't　love　him。　That's　what　I　wanted　to　say。　Would　you　like　more　coffee？〃
　〃Sure；　thanks。〃
　〃I'll　make　some　fresh。〃　She　got　up；　her　walk　unconsciously　sensuous　and　again　he　cursed　his　luck。
　〃Why'd　you　bust　up　with　him？〃
　Gravely　she　told　him　about　Macao。　〃I　allowed　myself　to　be　persuaded　into　the　fellow's　bed　and　I　slept　there　though　nothing　happened；　nothing　…　the　poor　man　was　drunk　and　useless。　The　next　day　I　pretended　that　he'd　been　fine。〃　Her　voice　was　outwardly　calm　and　matter…of…fact　but　he　could　feel　the　anguish。　〃Nothing　happened　but　someone　told　Quillan。　Rightly；　he　was　furious。　I　have　no　defense。　It　was　。。。　Quillan　had　been　away。　I　know　that's　no　excuse　but　I'd　learned　to　enjoy　pillowing　and　。。。〃　A　shadow　went　over　her。　She　shrugged。　〃Joss。　Karma。〃　In　the　same　small　voice　she　told　him　about　Quillan's　revenge。　〃That's　his　way；　Linc。　But　he　was　right　to　be　furious　with　me；　I　was　wrong。〃　The　steam　hissed　and　the　coffee　began　to　drip。　Her　hands　were　finding　clean　cups　and　fresh　home…baked　cookies　and　new　starched　linen　as　she　talked　but　their　minds　were　concentrating　on　the　man…woman　triangle。
　〃I　still　see　him　once　in　a　while。　Just　to　talk。　We're　just　friends　now　and　he's　good　to　me　and　I　do　what　I　want；　see　who　I　want。〃　She　turned　the　steam　off　and　looked　up　at　him。　〃We　。。。　we　had　a　child　four　years　ago。　I　wanted　it；　he　didn't。　He　said　I　could　have　the　child　but　I　should　have　it　in　England。　She's　in　Portugal　now　with　my　parents　…　my　father's　retired　and　she　lives　with　them。〃　A　tear　rolled　down　her　cheek。
　〃Was　that　his　idea；　to　keep　the　child　there？〃
　〃Yes。　But　he　is　right。　Once　a　year　I　go　there。　My　parents　。。。　my　mother　wanted　the　child；　begged　to　have　it。　Quillan's　generous　to　them　too。〃　The　tears　were　rolling　down　her　face　now　but　there　was　no　sound　to　her　crying。　〃So　now　you　know　it　all；　Linc。　I've　never　told　anyone　but　you　and　now　you　know　I'm；　I　wasn't　a　faithful　mistress　and　I'm；　I'm　not　a　good　mother　and　and　。。。〃
　He　went　to　her　and　held　her　very　close　and　he　felt　her　melt　against　him；　trying　to　hold　back　the　sobs；　holding　on；　taking　his　warmth　and　his　strength。　He　gentled　her；　holding　her；　the　length　of　her　against　him；　warm；　tender；　everything　fitting。
　When　she　was　whole　again　she　reached　up　on　tiptoe　and　kissed　him　lightly　but　with　great　tenderness　and　looked　at　him。
　He　returned　the　kiss　equally。
　They　looked　at　each　other　searchingly；　then　kissed　again。　Their　passion　grew　and　it　seemed　forever　but　it　was　not　and　both　heard　the　key　in　the　lock　at　the　same　time。　They　broke　away；　trying　to　catch　their　breath；　listening　to　their　hearts　and　hearing　the　coarse　voice　of　the　amah　from　the　hall。　〃Weyyyyy？〃
　Weakly　Orlanda　brushed　her　hair　straighter；　half…shrugged　to　him　in　apology。　〃I'm　in　the　kitchen；〃　she　called　out　in　Shanghainese。　〃Please　go　to　your　room　until　I　call　you。〃
　〃Oh？　Oh　the　foreign　devil's　still　here　is　he？　What　about　my　shopping？　I　did　some　shopping！〃
　〃Leave　it　by　the　door！〃
　〃Oh；　oh　very　well；　Young　Mistress；〃　the　amah　called　back　and　went　off　grumbling。　The　door　banged　loudly　behind　her。
　〃They　always　slam　doors？〃　Linc　asked；　his　heart　still　thumping。
　〃Yes；　yes　it　seems　so。〃　Her　hand　went　back　to　his　shoulder；　the　nails　caressi