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¡¡1
¡¡These¡¡are¡¡the¡¡things¡¡I¡¡know£º
¡¡Outerbridge¡¡Island¡¡has¡¡briny¡¡water¡¡running¡¡beneath¡¡its¡¡rocks£»¡¡a¡¡subterranean¡¡series¡¡of¡¡narrow¡¡channels¡¡between¡¡the¡¡Sound¡¡and¡¡the¡¡Atlantic¡£
¡¡You¡¡can¡¡see¡¡the¡¡entrances¡¡to¡¡these¡¡channels¡¡on¡¡the¡¡northern¡¡side¡¡of¡¡the¡¡island¡¡at¡¡low¡¡tide¡£¡¡These¡¡channels¡¡feed¡¡into¡¡the¡¡Great¡¡Salt¡¡Pond¡¡on¡¡the¡¡westerly¡¡side¡¡of¡¡the¡¡island¡¡before¡¡it¡¡empties¡¡into¡¡the¡¡sea¡£¡¡It¡¡was¡¡said¡¡that¡¡once¡upon¡a¡time£»¡¡a¡¡Dutch¡¡trading¡¡ship¡¡smashed¡¡up¡¡against¡¡the¡¡rocks£»¡¡and¡¡local¡¡pirates¡¡fed¡¡upon¡¡the¡¡treasures¡¡found¡¡within¡¡the¡¡hold¡¡of¡¡the¡¡ship¡£¡¡The¡¡treasure£»¡¡it¡¡is¡¡said£»¡¡was¡¡buried¡¡in¡¡the¡¡narrow¡¡caverns¡£¡¡To¡¡add¡¡to¡¡the¡¡chill¡¡of¡¡this¡¡tale£»¡¡it¡¡was¡¡also¡¡said¡¡that¡¡the¡¡pirates¡¡fed¡¡upon¡¡the¡¡flesh¡¡of¡¡the¡¡survivors¡¡of¡¡the¡¡wreck¡¡for¡¡days¡£
¡¡I've¡¡actually¡¡swum¡¡into¡¡the¡¡caverns¡¡at¡¡times¡£¡¡I'm¡¡slender¡¡enough£»¡¡and¡¡in¡¡good¡¡enough¡¡shape¡¡to¡¡maneuver¡¡in¡¡the¡¡darkness¡¡of¡¡the¡¡water£»¡¡but¡¡I¡¡never¡¡found¡¡treasure£»¡¡nor¡¡did¡¡I¡¡emerge¡¡in¡¡the¡¡Great¡¡Salt¡¡Pond¡¡by¡¡following¡¡the¡¡channels¡¡within¡¡that¡¡part¡¡of¡¡the¡¡island¡£¡¡I¡¡needed¡¡air£»¡¡after¡¡all¡£
¡¡If¡¡you¡¡want¡¡something¡¡badly¡¡enough£»¡¡there¡¡are¡¡ways¡¡to¡¡get¡¡it¡£
¡¡This¡¡doesn't¡¡mean¡¡that¡¡they¡¡are¡¡traditional¡¡means¡£¡¡It¡¡doesn't¡¡mean¡¡that¡¡pain¡¡is¡¡not¡¡involved¡£¡¡It¡¡doesn't¡¡mean¡¡that¡¡the¡¡cost¡¡may¡¡not¡¡overwhelm¡¡the¡¡need¡£¡¡It¡¡just¡¡means¡¡there¡¡are¡¡ways¡¡to¡¡get¡¡what¡¡you¡¡really¡¡want¡¡in¡¡this¡¡world¡£
¡¡If¡¡one¡¡has¡¡a¡¡conscience£»¡¡one¡¡can¡¡be¡¡driven¡¡mad¡£¡¡Therefore£»¡¡a¡¡conscience¡¡is¡¡a¡¡key¡¡to¡¡madness¡£¡¡Everyone¡¡is¡¡a¡¡potential¡¡madman¡£¡¡Everyone¡£¡¡The¡¡sweetest¡¡boy¡¡in¡¡the¡¡world¡¡can¡¡be¡¡driven¡¡to¡¡the¡¡most¡¡irrational¡¡of¡¡acts¡£¡¡The¡¡girl¡¡who¡¡has¡¡the¡¡world¡¡at¡¡her¡¡feet£»¡¡likewise£»¡¡could¡¡be¡¡driven¡¡to¡¡some¡¡act¡¡of¡¡desperation¡¡and¡¡tragedy¡£
¡¡And£»¡¡in¡¡many¡¡ways£»¡¡we¡¡want¡¡the¡¡irrational¡¡and¡¡the¡¡tragic¡¡and¡¡the¡¡desperate£»¡¡because¡¡they¡¡bring¡¡meaning¡¡and¡¡life¡¡back¡¡into¡¡our¡¡existences¡£
¡¡Another¡¡fact£º¡¡My¡¡mother¡¡prizes¡¡three¡¡things¡¡above¡¡all¡¡others£º
¡¡The¡¡rose¡¡garden¡¡which¡¡my¡¡father¡¡planted¡¡for¡¡her¡¡before¡¡I¡¡was¡¡born¡£¡¡It¡¡runs¡¡in¡¡spirals¡¡along¡¡the¡¡bluffs¡¡and¡¡the¡¡small¡¡hillock¡¡behind¡¡our¡¡cottage¡£¡¡There¡¡are¡¡fourteen¡¡varieties¡¡of¡¡roses£»¡¡with¡¡hues¡¡ranging¡¡from¡¡pale¡¡peach¡¡to¡¡blood¡¡red¡£
¡¡Her¡¡koi¡¡pond£»¡¡which¡¡is¡¡really¡¡the¡¡Montgomery's¡¡koi¡¡pond£»¡¡but¡¡it¡¡sits¡¡on¡¡our¡¡side¡¡of¡¡the¡¡property¡£¡¡It¡¡is¡¡largish¡¡for¡¡a¡¡pond£»¡¡and¡¡narrow£»¡¡nearly¡¡a¡¡reflecting¡¡pool¡£¡¡It¡¡was¡¡built¡¡deep¡¡for¡¡the¡¡harsh¡¡winters¡¡¡¡¡the¡¡koi¡¡can¡¡survive¡¡a¡¡thick¡¡layer¡¡of¡¡ice¡¡as¡¡long¡¡as¡¡they¡¡can¡¡bury¡¡themselves¡¡down¡¡in¡¡the¡¡silt¡£¡¡My¡¡father¡¡covers¡¡the¡¡pool¡¡with¡¡a¡¡plastic¡¡tarp¡¡to¡¡further¡¡protect¡¡the¡¡fish¡£
¡¡And¡¡lastly£»¡¡my¡¡mother¡¡prizes¡¡the¡¡gun¡£
¡¡My¡¡maternal¡¡grandfather¡¡had¡¡a¡¡small¡¡pistol¡¡that¡¡had¡¡been¡¡given¡¡to¡¡him¡¡by¡¡his¡¡mother¡£¡¡It¡¡was¡¡a¡¡small¡¡Colt¡¡pistol¡¡¡¡¡what¡¡my¡¡grandfather¡¡called¡¡a¡¡vest¡¡pistol£»¡¡but¡¡which¡¡I¡¡thought¡¡of¡¡as¡¡a¡¡Saturday¡¡Night¡¡Special¡£¡¡It¡¡had¡¡mother¡of¡
¡¡pearl¡¡grips£»¡¡and¡¡a¡¡clip¡¡that¡¡could¡¡not¡¡be¡¡removed¡¡from¡¡it¡£¡¡My¡¡grandfather¡¡had¡¡given¡¡my¡¡mother¡¡the¡¡pistol¡¡in¡¡the¡¡early¡¡years¡¡of¡¡her¡¡marriage¡¡for¡¡when¡¡my¡¡father¡¡would¡¡beat¡¡her¡£¡¡My¡¡father¡¡never¡¡beat¡¡my¡¡mother£»¡¡but¡¡my¡¡grandfather¡¡would¡¡apparently¡¡not¡¡believe¡¡it¡£¡¡The¡¡pistol¡¡is¡¡useless£»¡¡I¡¡heard¡¡my¡¡mother¡¡once¡¡say¡£¡¡Never¡¡been¡¡fired¡£¡¡I¡¡could¡¡barely¡¡shoot¡¡a¡¡cat¡¡with¡¡it£»¡¡she¡¡joked¡£¡¡Someday£»¡¡she¡¡told¡¡me£»¡¡when¡¡she¡¡was¡¡weepy¡¡and¡¡bitter¡¡about¡¡life£»¡¡she¡¡would¡¡go¡¡to¡¡Boston¡¡and¡¡sell¡¡it¡¡to¡¡a¡¡collector¡¡and¡¡take¡¡the¡¡money¡¡and¡¡go¡¡far£»¡¡far¡¡away¡£¡¡When¡¡I¡¡first¡¡discovered¡¡my¡¡true¡¡god¡¡and¡¡his¡¡nature£»¡¡I¡¡took¡¡the¡¡pistol¡£
¡¡Final¡¡fact£º
¡¡Faith¡¡plays¡¡into¡¡all¡¡this¡£¡¡One¡¡must¡¡have¡¡faith¡¡that¡¡one¡¡can¡¡do¡¡what¡¡one¡¡sets¡¡out¡¡to¡¡do¡£¡¡One¡¡must¡¡have¡¡the¡¡courage¡¡of¡¡one's¡¡convictions¡£¡¡All¡¡the¡¡world's¡¡history¡¡teaches¡¡us¡¡this¡£
¡¡For¡¡me£»¡¡it¡¡is¡¡that¡¡god¡¡I¡¡discovered¡£
¡¡I¡¡call¡¡it¡¡Dagon£»¡¡although¡¡its¡¡name¡¡is¡¡unknown¡¡to¡¡me¡£¡¡It¡¡came¡¡from¡¡the¡¡sea£»¡¡and¡¡I¡¡held¡¡it¡¡captive£»¡¡briefly¡£¡¡I¡¡am¡¡its¡¡priest¡£
¡¡And¡¡Dagon£»¡¡in¡¡a¡¡twisted¡¡and¡¡true¡¡way£»¡¡upholds¡¡what¡¡I¡¡stand¡¡for¡£
¡¡One¡¡must¡¡stand¡¡for¡¡something¡£
¡¡For¡¡me£»¡¡it¡¡is¡¡the¡¡force¡¡of¡¡love¡£
¡¡The¡¡undertow¡¡of¡¡love¡£
¡¡But¡¡that¡¡sounds¡¡romantic£»¡¡and¡¡I'm¡¡not¡¡a¡¡romantic¡¡at¡¡all¡£
¡¡I've¡¡been¡¡called¡¡a¡¡lot¡¡of¡¡things¡¡since¡¡the¡¡day¡¡I¡¡was¡¡born£»¡¡never¡¡romantic¡£
¡¡Schemer¡£¡¡Athlete¡£¡¡Brain¡£¡¡Manipulator¡£¡¡User¡£¡¡mon¡£¡¡Handsome¡£
¡¡Shallow¡£¡¡Arrogant¡£¡¡Mad¡£¡¡Sociopath¡£¡¡Cold¡¡eyes¡£
¡¡All¡¡by¡¡my¡¡mother¡£
¡¡Jenna¡¡Montgomery¡¡once¡¡told¡¡me¡¡I¡¡had¡¡the¡¡most¡¡beautiful¡¡eyes¡¡she'd¡¡ever¡¡seen¡¡on¡¡a¡¡boy¡£
¡¡I¡¡had¡¡to¡¡catch¡¡my¡¡breath¡¡when¡¡she¡¡told¡¡me¡¡that¡£
¡¡2
¡¡Years¡¡ago£»¡¡I¡¡came¡¡upon¡¡the¡¡god¡¡during¡¡a¡¡storm¡¡of¡¡late¡¡November£»¡¡a¡¡frozen£»¡¡bitter¡¡storm£»¡¡in¡¡which¡¡I¡¡had¡¡gotten¡¡caught¡¡down¡¡at¡¡the¡¡caverns£»¡¡taking¡¡a¡¡dinghy¡¡out¡¡to¡¡look¡¡for¡¡the¡¡famous¡¡buried¡¡pirate¡¡treasure¡£¡¡I¡¡was¡¡twelve¡¡and¡¡lonely£»¡¡and¡¡when¡¡I¡¡saw¡¡the¡¡god¡¡thrust¡¡in¡¡between¡¡a¡¡rock¡¡and¡¡a¡¡hard¡¡place£»¡¡as¡¡it¡¡were£»¡¡I¡¡knew¡¡immediately¡¡who¡¡and¡¡what¡¡it¡¡was£»¡¡and¡¡how¡¡I¡¡should¡¡please¡¡it¡£¡¡I¡¡read¡¡in¡¡my¡¡father's¡¡bible¡¡that¡¡Dagon¡¡was¡¡the¡¡god¡¡of¡¡the¡¡Philistines£»¡¡the¡¡Fish¡
¡¡God¡£¡¡I¡¡found¡¡other¡¡books£»¡¡too£»¡¡with¡¡titles¡¡like¡¡The¡¡Shadow¡¡Over¡¡Innsmouth¡¡and¡¡Dagon¡¡that¡¡further¡¡told¡¡of¡¡the¡¡god¡¡and¡¡its¡¡worshippers¡¡and¡¡what¡¡was¡¡needed¡¡to¡¡feed¡¡the¡¡god¡£
¡¡Some¡¡may¡¡say¡¡it¡¡is¡¡just¡¡an¡¡abominable¡¡statue£»¡¡a¡¡cheap¡¡and¡¡even¡¡grotesque¡¡trinket¡¡of¡¡some¡¡distant¡¡bazaar£»¡¡brought¡¡by¡¡sailors¡¡or¡¡perhaps¡¡even¡¡the¡¡pirates¡£¡¡It¡¡is¡¡green¡¡with¡¡age£»¡¡and¡¡made¡¡wholly¡¡of¡¡stone¡£¡¡Its¡¡eyes¡¡are¡¡merely¡¡garnet£»¡¡its¡¡tail¡¡and¡¡fins¡¡carved¡¡with¡¡some¡¡exquisite¡¡artistry¡£
¡¡But¡¡when¡¡I¡¡bled¡¡a¡¡seagull¡¡over¡¡the¡¡cold¡¡eyes¡¡of¡¡the¡¡little¡¡god£»¡¡while¡¡the¡¡storm¡¡raged¡¡around¡¡me£»¡¡I¡¡felt¡¡a¡¡prayer¡¡had¡¡been¡¡answered¡£
¡¡I¡¡breathed¡¡easier¡¡then¡£
¡¡3
¡¡Breathing¡¡is¡¡essential¡¡to¡¡survival£»¡¡and¡¡although¡¡this¡¡seems¡¡like¡¡a¡¡given£»¡¡we¡¡know¡¡¡¡¡scientifically¡¡¡¡¡that¡¡it¡¡is¡¡not¡£¡¡Most¡¡of¡¡the¡¡problems¡¡of¡¡life¡¡are¡¡like¡¡that£º¡¡simple£»¡¡obvious£»¡¡graspable£»¡¡yet¡¡shrouded¡¡in¡¡a¡¡secret¡£
¡¡If¡¡one¡¡can¡¡breathe¡¡well¡¡¡¡¡through¡¡any¡¡crisis£»¡¡any¡¡exertion¡¡¡¡¡then¡¡one¡¡will¡¡survive¡£
¡¡It¡¡is¡¡those¡¡who¡¡stop¡¡breathing¡¡who¡¡have¡¡let¡¡go¡¡of¡¡their¡¡wills¡¡to¡¡live¡£
¡¡I¡¡am¡¡what¡¡people¡¡in¡¡this¡¡world¡¡call¡¡a¡¡sociopath£»¡¡although¡¡the¡¡idea¡¡of¡¡killing¡¡someone¡¡has¡¡never¡¡interested¡¡me¡£¡¡A¡¡sociopath¡¡is¡¡not¡¡necessarily¡¡a¡¡killer£»¡¡and¡¡to¡¡assume¡¡this¡¡is¡¡to¡¡play¡¡a¡¡dangerous¡¡game¡£¡¡Just¡¡as¡¡not¡¡all¡¡famous¡¡people¡¡are¡¡rich£»¡¡not¡¡all¡¡sociopaths¡¡are¡¡Jeffrey¡¡Dahmer¡£¡¡If¡¡Jeffrey¡¡was¡¡one¡¡at¡¡all¡£¡¡You¡¡must¡¡know¡¡this¡¡about¡¡me¡¡if¡¡you're¡¡going¡¡to¡¡understand¡¡exactly¡¡what¡¡went¡¡on¡¡at¡¡Outerbridge¡¡Island¡¡the¡¡summer¡¡I¡¡turned¡¡eighteen£»¡¡the¡¡summer¡¡before¡¡Jenna¡¡Montgomery¡¡was¡¡to¡¡leave¡¡me¡¡forever¡£
¡¡They¡¡say¡¡that¡¡people¡¡like¡¡me¡¡can't¡¡experience¡¡love£»¡¡but¡¡I¡¡find¡¡that¡¡a¡¡ridiculous¡¡statement¡£¡¡I'm¡¡fully¡¡capable¡¡of¡¡giving¡¡and¡¡receiving¡¡love£»¡¡and¡¡it¡¡is¡¡monstrous¡¡to¡¡suggest¡¡otherwise¡£¡¡Even¡¡all¡¡those¡¡years¡¡ago£»¡¡love¡¡burned¡¡in¡¡me¡¡just¡¡as¡¡it¡¡did¡¡any¡¡boy¡¡who¡¡had¡¡fallen¡£
¡¡My¡¡mother¡¡would¡¡take¡¡her¡¡daily¡¡pain¡¡pill¡¡as¡¡I¡¡grew¡¡up¡¡¡¡¡her¡¡pains¡¡being¡¡life¡¡itself¡¡and¡¡even¡¡her¡¡child¡¡¡¡¡and¡¡tell¡¡me¡¡that¡¡there¡¡were¡¡two¡¡kinds¡¡of¡¡people¡¡in¡¡this¡¡world£»¡¡the¡¡kind¡¡that¡¡give¡¡and¡¡the¡¡kind¡¡that¡¡take£»¡¡and¡¡I¡¡knew¡¡I¡¡was¡¡neither£»¡¡but¡¡somewhere¡¡in¡¡between¡¡the¡¡rest¡¡of¡¡the¡¡world£º¡¡I¡¡was¡¡someone¡¡who¡¡observed£»¡¡perhaps¡¡too¡¡coldly¡¡sometimes¡£¡¡I¡¡still¡¡observe£»¡¡and¡¡observation¡¡has¡¡brought¡¡me¡¡to¡¡this¡¡place¡¡again¡£
¡¡Outerbridge¡¡Island£»¡¡with¡¡its¡¡rocky¡¡ledges¡¡and¡¡glassy¡¡sea£»¡¡the¡¡fog¡¡that¡¡came¡¡suddenly£»¡¡the¡¡sun¡¡that¡¡tore¡¡through¡¡clouds¡¡like¡¡a¡¡nuclear¡¡explosion£»¡¡the¡¡summers¡¡that¡¡went¡¡for¡¡years£»¡¡the¡¡years¡¡that¡¡passed¡¡in¡¡a¡¡summer¡£
¡¡The¡¡storms¡¡that¡¡came¡¡and¡¡stayed¡¡and¡¡never¡¡left¡£
¡¡4
¡¡Let¡¡me¡¡turn¡¡it¡¡all¡¡back¡¡to¡¡the¡¡day¡¡I¡¡was¡¡born£»¡¡since¡¡from¡¡what¡¡I've¡¡read¡¡about¡¡sociopaths£»¡¡it's¡¡fairly¡¡genetic¡£¡¡My¡¡grandmother¡¡was¡¡probably¡¡the¡¡carrier¡¡of¡¡the¡¡gene£»¡¡since¡¡she¡¡went¡¡crazy¡¡and¡¡ended¡¡up¡¡in¡¡what¡¡they¡¡called¡¡a¡¡nursing¡¡home¡¡over¡¡in¡¡Massachusetts£»¡¡but¡¡which¡¡I¡¡found¡¡out¡¡¡¡¡later¡¡in¡¡life£»¡¡of¡¡course¡¡¡¡¡was¡¡an¡¡impoverished¡¡sanitarium£»¡¡the¡¡sort¡¡of¡¡which¡¡nightmares¡¡are¡¡born¡£¡¡My¡¡mother¡¡told¡¡me¡¡that¡¡it¡¡was¡¡my¡¡grandfather's¡¡fault¡¡for¡¡driving¡¡her¡¡to¡¡do¡¡things¡¡¡¡¡again£»¡¡not¡¡kill£»¡¡for¡¡we¡¡have¡¡never¡¡been¡¡murderers¡¡¡¡¡just¡¡things¡¡that¡¡caused¡¡people¡¡to¡¡believe¡¡my¡¡grandmother¡¡was¡¡insane¡£¡¡When¡¡I¡¡was¡¡born£»¡¡my¡¡mother¡¡told¡¡me¡¡when¡¡I¡¡was¡¡eleven¡¡or¡¡twelve£»¡¡I¡¡was¡¡a¡¡difficult¡¡birth¡¡and¡¡my¡¡own¡¡umbilical¡¡cord¡¡practically¡¡strangled¡¡me¡¡as¡¡I¡¡exited¡¡her¡¡body¡£¡¡She¡¡said¡¡I¡¡was¡¡blue¡¡in¡¡the¡¡face¡¡for¡¡nearly¡¡a¡¡minute¡¡from¡¡lack¡¡of¡¡oxygen¡¡before¡¡the¡¡doctor¡¡got¡¡me¡¡coughing¡£¡¡Then£»¡¡I¡¡spent¡¡the¡¡first¡¡two¡¡weeks¡¡of¡¡my¡¡life¡¡in¡¡the¡¡hospital£»¡¡for¡¡I¡¡was¡¡a¡¡month¡¡premature¡¡and¡¡no¡¡one¡¡thought¡¡I¡¡would¡¡live¡£
¡¡Sometimes¡¡I¡¡think¡¡this¡¡is¡¡why¡¡I'm¡¡a¡¡sociopath¡£¡¡I've¡¡seen¡¡documentaries¡¡on¡¡PBS¡¡about¡¡baby¡¡monkeys¡¡wh