dclegg.purity-第13部分

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he　matches　I　had　in　England　and　out　in　California；　and　then　she　spent　Spring　Break　in　Aruba；　so　that　last　week　in　May　was　really　our　first　full　week　together；　which　is　why　I　took　the　Karenina　out　of　the　yacht　club　and　we　sailed　lazily　up　and　down　the　coast　for　a　few　days。　I　was　so　pissed　off　at　Dad　over　a　lot　of　things。　First　and　foremost　was　the　talk　he　gave　me；　about　how　I　needed　to　uphold　the　family　and　how　I　needed　to　look　at　life　differently；　not　as　a　kid　but　as　someone　who　had　responsibilities　and　wanted　to　live　a　certain　way　with　certain　kinds　of　people。　I　didn't　forget　about　Chip；　but　I　guess　that's　one　of　those　things　I　have　to　put　aside。　My　dad　says　so　anyway。　Chip　was　really　aggressive　anyway；　and　the　time　we　spent　together　wasn't　really　very　meaningful　because　the　whole　time　I　kept　thinking　to　myself：　where　will　this　go？　Two　guys　can't　marry。　I'll　lose　everything。
　And　Chip　was　all　about　loins；　anyway。　I　shouldn't　even　write　about　it　here。　What　if　someone　finds　out？　I'm　not　really　gay　anyway；　I　just　get　in　these　situations。　I　suppose　I　fall　in　love　with　people。　And　Chip　turned　out　bad　anyway。　All　that　mess　about　fighting　and　arguing　and　him　claiming　I　broke　his　arm　when　I　didn't　break　it　and　if　he　fell　it　was　his　fault　anyway　for　standing　in　my　way　and　not　letting　me　pass。　He　did　that　sort　of　blackmail　thing　too；　but　I　showed　him　that　I　wasn't　going　to　put　up　with　that　kind　of　shit。
　I　fell　for　Jenna　pretty　hard。　I　mean；　who　wouldn't？　She's　gorgeous　and　full　of　life　and　her　brain　is　just　amazing。　And　the　money。　To　pretend　it's　not　there　is　like　not　noticing　her　bra　size。　All　the　guys　seem　to　want　her；　and　I　really　had　to　fight　off　that　bulldog　from　Choate　with　the　Ferrari；　but　it　wasn't　too　hard　to　dazzle　her　on　the　courts。　She's　a　big　fan　of　tennis；　which　helps；　and　that　night　we　went　for　a　walk　back　in　the　city　really　turned　things　around　for　me。　I　mean；　we　were　walking　down　Fifth　Avenue；　and　she　was　talking　about　what　she　wanted　from　life；　all　the　wonderful　things；　to　see　the　world　and　experience　the　best　of　everything；　and　how　her　trust　fund　was　huge　and　she　intended　to　always　have　the　life　her　parents　had；　and　my　mind　was　turning　a　hundred　little　things　around。　I　was　walking　with　her　under　cloudy　skies；　and　I　was　thinking　about　how　this　was　right。　Being　with　Chip　was　wrong　because　it　was　based　on　that　one　thing；　that　physical　thing；　and　I　thought；　all　right；　I　know　where　this　will　go　with　Jenna。　We'll　marry；　we'll　have　children；　we'll
　build　something　really　solid。　She　has　all　this　family　land　and　properties　and　I'm　really　good　at　handling　investments；　so　we'll　be　perfect　together。　And　she　wants　kids　really　badly。　So　badly　that　she　told　me　she　wasn't　even　all　that　interested　in　college；　and　she　wanted　to　just　get　out　from　under　her　parents　and　be　on　her　own　and　make　her　own　life。　She　has　millions　from　her　grandmother；　and　it's　earning　more　millions　every　year；　she　said；　so　why　should　she　have　to　go　through　college？　She　wanted　to　do　some　magazine　work；　one　of　those　Conde　Nast　magazines；　and　her　family　has　huge　pull　in　that　area；　and　she　was　smart　enough。
　It　hardly　bears　parison　with　a　night　spent　on　a　dirty　mattress　in　the　back　of　some　studio　apartment　in　Chelsea　with　Chip；　who　fell　on　hard　times　after　prep　school。　That　sleaziness　he　had；　like　an　air；　like　marijuana　smoke　in　the　back　of　a　bus　…　that's　what　his　place　was　like。　He　was　slumming；　he　was　degrading　himself。　His　parents　had　cut　him　off；　and　he　was　willing　to　live　like　that。　Hardly　any　furniture；　a　job　that　barely　paid　him　per　month　what　a　reasonable　man　can　live　on。　And　still；　he　was　willing　to　live　like　that　for　the　sake　of　the　feeling　in　his　organ。　I　am　never　going　to　let　that　happen　to　me。　I　am　never　going　to　let　people　know　how　I　am　on　the　inside　if　I　can　help　it。　I　got　so　mad　at　Chip　I　guess　I　ended　up　roughing　him　up　a　little；　but　he　kept　trying　to　ruin　things；　and　I　just　won't　let　anyone　do　that。　My　dad　is　ruining　things　as　it　is；　and　pretty　soon　other　people　are　going　to　know　how　he's　ruining　things；　and　I　do　not　intend　to　be　in　that　spot　with　him。
　I　remember　clasping　Jenna's　hand；　and　listening　to　her　optimistically　go　on　about　the　life　she　intended　for　herself。
　So　I　knew　that　if　I　just　kept　my　eyes　on　her；　it　would　all　go　in　the　right　direction。
　When　we　made　love　for　the　first　time；　it　even　felt　right。　She　was　overheated　on　the　inside；　it　was　like　lava　or　something；　it　felt　so　natural。
　I　thought　it　was　all　right　up　until　I　met　Mooncalf。
　I　tried　to　fight　it；　too。　I　looked　at　him　and　tried。　I　tried　not　to　look　at　his　body。　So　well　developed。　The　way　he　spoke；　almost　sullenly。　I　didn't　want　him　then；　but　I　knew　he　had　it　in　him　to　take　me　over。　And　I　suppose　he　has。
　There's　even　a　dangerousness　to　him　I　enjoy。　I　find　myself　looking　over　Jenna's　shoulder；　when　we're　at　the　beach；　or　bicycling；　hoping　he's　there；　just　out　of　reach。
　And　then；　the　party。　It　was　like　waking　up　for　the　first　time。　It　was　like　knowing　that　I'd　been　telling　myself　lies　for　years。
　That　I'd　been　foolish　and　wrong。
　Now；　all　I　think　about　is　Mooncalf　and　I　wish　we　were　in　a　different　world；　not　one　of　secrets　and　half…truths；　but　one　where　we　could　just　be　together。
　I　know　he　feels　the　same。
　I'm　sleeping　pretty　much　on　the　boat　now。　I　can't　stay　with　Jenna。　Not　in　her　room。　And　her　dad　gives　me　those　looks；　which　aren't　pleasant；　either。
　Jenna's　been　cold。　Can't　blame　her。　I　know　somehow　it　will　all　turn　out　okay。　I　know　it　will　because　I　know　life　is　not　meant　to　be　bad；　and　it's　not　meant　to　be　confusing；　and　if　we　can　all　just　get　through　this　summer；　it'll　somehow　work　out　because　life　is　supposed　to　work　out。
　Sometimes；　I　get　so　lonely　I　want　to　just　hold　Jenna。　As　a　friend。
　I　want　to　see　him　again；　but　he's　been　avoiding　me　since　the　party。　I've　had　two　weeks　now；　seeing　Jenna　and　her　family；　playing　a　little　golf；　some　tennis；　taking　the　boat　out　when　I　can。　Jenna's　been　good　about　this　even　if　she's　turned　icy。　She　seems　to　handle　my　silences　well。　She　really　is　a　friend。
　I'm　glad　we　can　be　this　close　and　that　she　can　be　so　understanding。
　Most　of　the　time；　she　seems　to　act　as　if　the　night　of　her　party　never　happened；　that　I　didn't　go　off　with　him。　She　won't　really　understand　what　it　means；　anyway。　She'll　think　she'll　know；　but　I'll　let　her　know　it　was　nothing。
　I'll　get　her　thinking　about　us　again；　which　is　what　she　really　wants；　anyway。
　
　
　Chapter　Seven　
　The　hurricane　approaches　
　1
　There　he　is　again：　I　see　him。　That　boy　Owen。　He's　been　running　down　on　the　beach；　swimming　too　much　for　his　own　good；　working　on　his　oxygen　intake　because　breathing　is　the　key；　and　he's　felt　a　strength　grow　within　him　to　match　his　body's　power。
　2
　The　weeks　after　the　party　went　by　in　a　blur　of　moments　and　flashes　in　his　brain　…　the　sky　clouded　and　then　became　unbearably　sunny；　the　humidity　soared　and　then　dropped　and　then　soared　again；　a　tropical　storm　to　the　south　had　been　upgraded　to　a　hurricane　but　it　would　not　strike　so　far　north　as　Outerbridge；　and　once；　in　the　dead　of　night；　Owen　lay　in　bed　convinced　he'd　heard　a　gun　go　off　somewhere　on　the　island。
　August　was　like　that　sometimes。
　3
　〃Owen。　Why？〃
　〃Why　what？〃　he　asked；　shielding　his　eyes　from　the　sun。
　Jenna　had　emerged　from　the　deck　all　wrapped　in　a　big　yellow　towel；　and　yet　to　him　it　was　as　magnificent　as　a　summer　dress。　The　smell　of　the　pool　was　intoxicating。　He　had　just　finished　his　morning　laps；　and　felt　cleaner　and　stronger。　Chlorine　stank　on　his　skin。　He　looked　up　at　her。　He　wanted　to　kiss　her；　he　wanted　to　touch　her。　They　stood　so　close。
　〃Why　the　gun？〃
　〃It's　just　a　pistol。　It's　an　antique。〃
　〃Why？〃
　〃I　thought　you'd　want　it。　I　thought　you'd　like　it。〃
　〃I'm　not　a　fan　of　guns。〃
　〃No　one　is。　But　it　has　that　inlay。　It's　mother　of　pearl。　It　seems　feminine。〃
　〃You　must　be　out　of　your　mind。　To　give　me　that　as　a　gift。　On　my　birthday。〃
　〃It　was　my　grandfather's。〃
　〃Well；　I'm　giving　it　back。　God；　I　don't　want　it　in　the　house；　let　alone　in　my　hand。〃
　〃You　need　protection。〃
　〃From　what？〃
　〃Jimmy；〃　Owen　said。　He　sucked　a　breath　in　briefly。　It　was　time　to　let　it　begin。　He　felt　a　curious　shiver　sweep　through　his　body；　as　if　he　we