el.angeleyes-第14部分

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housand　others　crowded　his　mind　in　the　same　way　the　wraiths　crowded　the　corridors　of　the　monastery。　The　terrible　fear　built　inside　him；　until　he　contemplated　abandoning　his　post；　turning　tail；　and　putting　this　mad　place　behind　him　forever。　But；　as　if　in　a　dream；　he　felt　rooted　to　the　spot。　He　did　not　know　whether　to　fear　for　the　loss　of　his　mind　or　his　life。
　〃Then　he　noticed　a　curious　thing。　The　fear　was　ing　from　inside　him。　When　he　concentrated　his　spiritual　powers；　he　realized　that　the　wraiths；　whatever　or　whoever　they　might　be；　posed　no　threat　to　him　or　to　the　people　of　the　monastery。　The　chaos　of　their　rushing　to　and　fro　was；　in　a　way；　self…contained。
　〃And　then　he　set　about　trying　to　turn　the　chaos　into　order。　He　found　that；　with　continued　concentration；　he　could　move　closer　to　these　darting　wraiths；　could　feel　where　they　wanted　to　go　and；　eventually；　guide　them　on　their　way。
　〃It　was　at　that　moment　that　he　recognized　one　of　the　wraiths　as　the　monk　who　had　led　him　to　the　lama's　sanctuary；　and　to　this　crossroads。　And　then　the　young　priest　understood　everything。
　〃These　wraiths　were　the　spirits　of　the　monks。　Unleashed　as　they　slept；　freed　from　the　bonds　of　their　daytime　work；　these　spirits　were　prone　to　the　chaos　that　lurked　within　the　innermost　recesses　of　even　the　most　disciplined　mind。　They　lacked　but　a　single　soul…a　kind　of　Zen　policeman…to　see　them　on　their　proper　paths；　to　keep　them　from　the　dangers　inherent　in　chaos。''
　Tori　and　her　father　had　e　to　the　far　end　of　the　pergola。　He　turned　around；　took　one　last　look　at　the　statue　of　Diana；　cloaked　now　in　the　robes　of　twilight。　He　said；　after　a　long　silence；''Does　that　answer　your　question　as　to　how　I　have　survived　in　Diana's　Garden？　I　learned　that　I　had　to　change　in　order　to　survive　the　demons　peculiar　to　your　mother's　genius。''
　Tori　thought　for　a　long　time。　It　was　an　amazing　story；　and　even　more　amazing　that　it　had　e　from　her　father。　She　simply　had　not　thought　he　had　such　subtlety　in　him。　The　story　also　explained　many　things　about　her　parents'　relationship。　But　it　also　brought　into　focus　some　of　her　own　childhood　concerns。　She　said　carefully；　〃I　worry　sometimes　that　I。。。　Well；　I　still　sort　of　lose　myself　when　Mom's　around。　There's　so　much　of　her…her　personality；　her　aura；　her　wa；　as　the　Japanese　would　say…that　there　often　seems　no　space　left　over　for　me。〃
　Her　father　said；　〃You　should　try　to　understand　your　mother　more。　If　you　did；　I'm　sure　you'd　find　it　worth　your　while。〃
　〃I'm　not　sure　you　heard　what　I　said。''　Tori　was　struggling　to　find　a　basis　for　municating　with　him；　but　either　he　was　misunderstanding　her　or　being　willful。　Still；　she　pressed　on。　〃I　often　end　up　not　knowing　how　I　feel　about　her。〃　She　looked　at　him；　at　that　noble；　almost　primitive　profile。　〃Do　you　love　Mom？〃
　Ellis　Nunn　turned　to　his　daughter。　〃I　understand　her。　Tori。　I　think；　in　your　mother's　case；　that's　the　same　as　loving　her。〃
　〃Is　it？〃
　〃Well；　you　tell　me；　then；〃　Ellis　Nunn　said　testily。　〃How　else　do　you　love　an　icon？　How　do　you　bring　something　so　monumental；　so　universally　adored；　into　your　reality？　The　answer　is；　you　don't　waste　your　time。　Instead；　you　enter　into　its　reality　as　best　you　can。〃
　〃I　don't…〃
　〃Look；　my　marriage　survived　where　the　marriages　of　people　like　DiMaggio　and　Arthur　Miller　did　not。　I've　e　to　see　that　as　acplishment　enough。〃　He　looked　away　toward　the　pool；　as　if　he　wished　he　were　in　there　now。　〃Your　mother　needs　to　be　what　she　has　bee　in　the　same　way　you　and　I　need　air　to　breathe。　Once　you　understand　that；　you　understand　everything。〃
　Tori　looked　up　into　his　face。　There　was　just　enough　light　left　so　that　the　reflections　from　the　pool　lit　up　his　face　and　she　was　reminded　of　the　photos　of　Greg；　poolside；　fresh　from　some　diving　triumph；　his　angel　eyes　aglow　with　the　victory　fever。　Greg。　It　was　always　Greg。　Even　death　could　not　stop　them　all　from　talking　about　him；　thinking　about　him；　trying　to　live　up　to　the　shining　potential　of　his　angel　eyes。
　〃Spoken　like　a　true　Zen　policeman；〃　she　said　with　all　the　irony　she　could　muster。
　
　Evening　approaches。　Tori；　hidden　away　from　her　mother；　behind　the　massive　carved　oak　doors　to　the　library；　is　again　feeling　trapped　in　Diana's　Garden。　She　remembers　a　time　of　adolescence。　She　is　trapped　in　the　big　house　in　L。A。；　in　the　sunshine；　in　her　sleek　tanned　body。　She　is　pinned　by　her　beauty　to　the　imagined　future；　the　foregone　conclusion　that　her　father　wants　for　her；　that　boys　her　own　age　imagine　is　already　hers。　They　are　the　same；　these　images；　and　they　dominate　her　life　like　a　nun's　vows。
　She　has　all　she　wants　within　Diana's　Garden；　and　increasingly　she　feels　that　there　is　no　reason　to　venture　outside　its　perfect；　all…enpassing　environs。
　Until；　one　night　during　a　party　given　by　her　parents；　she　discovers　how　pletely　she　has　fooled　herself。　Just　about　everyone　who　matters　in　Hollywood…except　enemies…has　descended　upon　the　manor　house；　and　the　rooms　are　full　of　familiar　faces；　screen　legends；　movers　and　shakers。　There　are　the　money　men　and　their　exquisite　women；　as　polished　as　gems；　seemingly　pulled　out　of　the　men's　pockets　like　an　expensive　watch　or　a　roll　of　thousand…dollar　bills。
　Gossip；　which　is　the　only　approved　mode　of　munication　at　affairs　such　as　this；　centers　around　who　is　sleeping　with　whom；　and　who　is　pregnant　by　whom。　Gradually　it　dawns　on　Tori　that　these　people　who　inhabit　Hollywood　like　a　race　of　gorgeous　troglodytes　run　their　private　lives　in　sync　with　their　professional　careers。　Love　affairs；　marriages；　seduction…whatever　the　current　voguish　designation…last　among　these　strange；　alien　life　forms　only　as　long　as　it　takes　to　make　a　film。　These　people　meet　on　the　set；　bee　immersed　in　each　other　in　the　same　manner　in　which　they　bee　immersed　in　their　roles；　in　order　to　differentiate　reality　from　fantasy；　however；　they　feel　pelled　to　make　tangible　their　love　for　one　another；　if　not　their　mitment。　A　child　follows；　as　surely　as　the　night　the　day。　But；　invariably；　with　the　advent　of　the　baby；　the　love　affair；　marriage；　seduction　loses　its　luster。　A　mother　is　never　as　exciting　as　a　lover；　three　takes　the　edge　off　the　heat　generated　by　two。
　Tori　understands　at　last　that　she　hates　these　people；　that　she　feels　their　ing　as　an　invasion。　That　night；　whether　in　the　living　room；　the　study；　the　library；　the　throngs　of　people　overwhelm　her。　She　feels　suffocated。　She　flees　the　house；　but　the　grounds；　too；　are　choked　with　celebrities；　and　still　she　cannot　breathe。　Bent　over　by　the　side　of　the　lighted　pool；　her　sanctuary；　where　she　had　always　felt　closest　to　Greg；　she　wheezes　like　an　asthmatic。
　At　last　she　stumbles　to　her　car；　a　new　Thunderbird；　convulsively　turns　the　ignition　and；　scattering　gravel　in　her　wake；　speeds　away　into　the　night；　the　neon　light　of　Los　Angeles。　Not　Beverly　Hills　or　Westwood；　but　beyond；　where　people　who　are　not　rich；　pampered；　privileged；　work　and　play。
　There　is　a　rage　inside　her　she　can　neither　explain　nor　face。　She　feels　inadequate　in　the　face　of　it；　and　at　the　same　time　ashamed　of　it；　as　if　part　of　her　mother　has　broken　off　and；　like　a　poisoned　arrowhead；　has　embedded　itself　in　her　brain。
　She　hates　the　shame　most　of　all；　because　it　keeps　her　from　embracing　her　rage；　owning　it　and；　thus；　understanding　it。　Kept　at　a　distance；　it　is　nothing　more　than　an　arcane　artifact　living　at　the　edge　of　her　emotional　horizon；　a　glyph…covered　stele；　marking　what？　She　does　not　know；　but　tonight　she　is　determined　to　find　out。
　Down　twisty　Mulholland　to　the　freeway；　rolling　over　the　edge　of　the　glen；　ing　upon　the　wide　swath　of　smeary　lights　glowing　in　the　Valley。　The　pollution；　trapped　by　the　air　inversion　between　high　ground；　makes　her　eyes　tear；　her　skin　itch。　She　depresses　the　accelerator；　bringing　the　horizon　closer。
　At　a　seedy　bar　she　pulls　in　beside　a　line　of　scruffy　Harley…Davidson　motorcycles。　She　sits　listening　to　the　hot　engine　of　the　T…bird　ticking　over　as　if　it　is　the　beating　of　her　heart。　Sadness　mixes　with　her　rage；　and　she　wishes　that　Greg　were　with　her；　Greg　who　is　always　willing　to　listen　to　her；　the　one　person　in　the　world　who　accepts　her　as　herself　and　nothing　more。　But　Greg　is　away　at　Cal　Tech；　studying　for　finals　which　he　takes　more　seriously　than　God。　
　I　am　alone