el.angeleyes-第40部分

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　Inside　he　found　two　books　that　looked　like　ledgers。　He　handed　them　to　Honno；　who　opened　one；　leafed　through　the　pages　which　were　covered　by　a　tight　hand…drawn　scrawl。　The　second　ledger　revealed　the　same。　The　writing　was　not　kanji　or　any　other　with　which　Honno　was　familiar。
　''What　is　this？''　Honno　asked。
　Big　Ezoe；　looking　over　her　shoulder；　said。　〃I'm　not　sure；　but　if　I　had　to　hazard　a　guess；　I　'd　say　it　was　some　kind　of　code。''
　''Great；''　Honno　said。　''What　am　I　supposed　to　do　with　these　books？　I　don't　even　know　what　they　contain。〃　It　was　then　she　thought　of　Giin；　and　everything　fell　into　place。
　Honno　had　met　Giin　almost　ten　years　ago；　before　she　had　known　that　Eikichi　Kansei　existed。　At　that　time　Giin　was　highly　placed　in　a　ministry；　she　was　never　quite　sure　which。　She　was　meant　to　have　married　Giin。　She　would　have；　except　for　the　fact　that　he；　like　her　father；　was　an　inveterate　gambler。
　She　had　been　so　young　then；　still　so　full　of　mixed　emotions　about　her　father。　His　death　last　year　had　changed　that；　of　course。　Noboru's　memory　was　purer　than　Noboru　had　been　in　life。　All　the　contradictory　emotions　Honno　felt　for　her　father　were　swept　away；　to　be　replaced　by　the　overriding　virtue　of　filial　piety。　Hino…euma　woman　or　not；　she　was　her　father's　daughter。
　But　the　one　thing　she　would　not　do　was　to　give　her　love　to　another　man　who　gambled；　a　man　who；　more　than　anything　else；　reminded　Honno　of　her　father。　While　it　was　true　that　Giin　was　far　more　intelligent　than　Noboru　Yamato　ever　had　been…in　fact；　he　was　a　genius；　of　sorts…there　were　other；　more　telling　traits　they　shared。　They　both　had　obsessive　personalities；　they　were　tyrants　in　their　professional　lives；　and　they　had　an　underlying　weakness：　they　loved　to　gamble。
　In　fact；　they　couldn't　stop。　It　was　an　axiom　of　their　personalities：　obsessive；　domineering；　certain　they　were　always　right。　And；　oddly；　their　mounting　losses　did　not　disabuse　them　of　their　vanity。　Quite　the　opposite。　They　could　not　believe　their　losses；　would　not　recognize　the　danger　as　those　losses　mounted　precipitously。　They　were　focused　on　only　one　thing：　their　passion　to　win。　Because　winning　was　essential　to　their　personalities；　they　could　not　survive　without　it。
　Indeed；　Noboru　Yamato　had　not　survived　his　obsession。　But　Giin　had；　just　barely。　Honno　had　heard　that　he　was　no　longer　in　the　public　sector；　but　whether　that　had　been　his　choice　or　his　masters'；　she　did　not　know。　He　had　been　a　ronin…an　ex…minister　looking　for　work　in　the　private　sector…for　some　time　before　he　had　found　a　job　that　suited　him。
　He　had　bee　a　professor　of　philosophy　at　a　Tokyo　university；　which　was　either　laughable　or　pathetic；　depending　on　your　point　of　view。　He　would　have　been　the　least　flexible　person　Honno　had　ever　known…except　for　her　father。　And；　considering　that　philosophy　was　a　continual　bending　of　thought；　tenet；　and　ideology…a　living　dialectic　with　the　universe；　as　it　were…Honno　considered　it　odd　that　Giin　should　end　up　teaching　philosophy。
　She　insisted　on　seeing　him　alone；　although　Big　Ezoe　wanted　to　e　with　her。　Privately；　she　would　have　been　appalled　to　face　Giin　for　the　first　time　in　ten　years　with　a　Yakuza　oyabun　at　her　side。
　She　met　him　in　his　office；　late　in　the　day；　after　his　last　class　had　ended。　As　his　secretary　announced　her；　Honno　felt　a　hol…lowness　in　the　pit　of　her　stomach；　the　fluttering；　almost　humiliating　sense　of　being　brought　before　a　judge；　as　if　the　first　thing　Giin　might　say　to　her　was；　〃Well；　my　dear；　what　have　you　done　with　your　life　since　you　left　me？〃
　In　fact；　he　said　nothing。　He　was　grading　test　papers　when　she　was　shown　into　his　office。　It　was　no　more　than　a　cubicle；　really；　windowless；　almost　airless。　It　was　jammed　with　books；　papers；　bound　galleys；　gigantic　reference　works。
　Giin　sat　behind　an　anonymous　desk。　He　wore　an　anonymous　dark　suit；　his　gray　hair　neatly　parted；　his　round　wire　spectacles　shining　in　the　glare　of　the　overhead　lights。　He　did　not　look　up　when　she　came　in；　and　she　thought　that　rude。　Somehow；　this　increased　her　sense　of　humiliation。　But　by　now　Honno　had　concluded　that　she　felt　as　humiliated　for　him　as　she　did　for　herself。　Until　this　moment　she　did　not　appreciate　how　difficult　this　interview　might　be　for　him。
　She　had　left　him　abruptly；　unforgivably；　after　agreeing　to　marry　him；　after　he　had　made　her　an　integral　part　of　his　life；　introduced　her　to　his　family　and　his　friends。　And；　worst　of　all；　she　had　done　so　without　so　much　as　a　word　of　explanation。　But　how　could　she　have　told　him　that　she　refused　to　marry　an　inveterate　gambler？　It　would　have　been　too　shameful　for　herself　and　for　him。
　Now；　looking　at　him　in　this　tiny　office；　grading　papers　of　students　who；　no　doubt；　would　never　fathom　the　depths　of　his　genius；　Honno　felt　her　cheeks　burning。　She　sat　silently；　to　meekly　wait　out　his　silence　so　that　he　could　regain　a　measure　of　the　face　she　had　robbed　him　of　ten　years　ago。
　When；　at　last；　he　judged　the　silence　to　be　of　appropriate　duration；　Giin　said；　〃So；　I　understand　that　you　have　married。　Are　you　happy？〃
　〃Of　course　I　am！〃　Honno　exclaimed；　and　immediately　regretted　her　response。　〃That　is；　Eikichi　Kansei　is　a　good　husband。〃
　For　me　first　time　Giin　lifted　his　head。　Honno　could　see　his　eyes　behind　the　lenses　of　his　spectacles。　He　stared　directly　at　her；　and　she　seemed　to　wither；　so　intimidating　was　his　gaze。　For　an　instant　she　even　wished；　crazily；　that　she　had　allowed　Big　Ezoe　to　e　with　her。　But　it　was　only　anger；　and　a　hurt　she　knew　she　had　no　right　to　feel；　so　she　closed　off　both　these　emotions；　sealing　them　behind　the　facade　all　Japanese　learn　to　construct　almost　from　the　moment　they　are　born。　
　〃It　is　good　to　see　you；　Giin；〃　she　ventured。　
　〃It　has　been　a　very　long　time；〃　he　said；　and　she　tried　not　to　wince。　〃A　lifetime　for　some。〃
　〃How　have　you　been？〃　Honno　was　now　dreading　his　every　response。
　Giin　raised　his　hands；　indicating　his　jammed　cubicle。　〃This　is　how　I　am。〃
　〃Have　you　married？〃　
　''There　was　no　need　to　after　you　left。''　
　〃I…〃　Honno's　nerve　faltered。　In　the　face　of　his　pain　and　anger；　what　was　there　to　say？
　〃I　am　pleased　that　you　have　found　a　life　for　yourself；〃　Giin　said　in　a　lighter　tone。　〃You　seemed　so　lost；　so　confused　when　I　knew　you。　I　tried　to　help　you　with　these　things；　but　perhaps　I　did　not　know　how　to　unlock　the　riddle　of　you。〃　He　smiled；　and　Honno　was　reminded　of　the　man　she　had　once　known。　〃That's　ironic；　don't　you　think；　considering　my　expertise　in　solving　problems？　But　my　work　then　involved　cryptograms；　codes；　mathematical　formulae。　plex　matters；　to　be　sure；　but　nevertheless；　cut　and　dried。　The　truth　is；　I　was　never　much　good　at　handling　people；　or　understanding　them；　for　that　matter。　Perhaps　that's　where　we　went　wrong。〃　
　〃Yes；〃　Honno　said；　lowering　her　head。　〃Perhaps。〃　
　〃That's　why　I　decided　to　e　here　to　the　university；〃　Giin　said　sometime　later。　〃Here　I　am　not　only　surrounded　by　people；　I　am　forced　to　interact　with　them。　I　suppose　it　was　my　way　of　admitting　my　faults；　of　trying　to　remake　myself。〃
　When　Honno　said　nothing；　he　continued；　〃I'm　glad　you　agreed　to　have　dinner　with　me。　I　know　I　was　rude　to　you　earlier；　but　it　was　only　my　shock；　and　my　shame　at　remembering。〃
　Honno　forced　herself　to　look　at　him。
　〃I've　stopped　gambling；　you　see；〃　Giin　said。　〃Eventually；　I　came　to　understand　how　pernicious　it　was；　how　utterly　it　had　ruined　my　life。　It　cost　me　my　job；　some　of　my　friends。　When　I　saw　what　I　had　been　reduced　to；　my　first　thought　was　of　you；　and　how　grateful　I　was　that　you　had　left；　so　that　I　could　not　drag　you　down　with　me。　I　never　would　have　forgiven　myself　if　that　had　happened。〃
　〃I　don't　know　what　to　say；〃　Honno　said；　which　was　the　truth。　Giin's　abrupt…and　unexpected…confession　had　caught　her　quite　by　surprise。　Her　thoughts　were　in　chaos。　And　her　emotions　。　。　。　My　God；　she　thought；　the　attraction　is　still　there；　deeply　buried　but　unmistakable。　She　was　utterly　horrified　by　this　thought；　but　no　matter　what　inner　contortions　she　went　through；　she　was　unsuccessful　in　suppressing　it。　I　am　happily　married　now；　she　reminded　herself。　It　did　not　seem　to　matter。　This　was　not　what　she　had　expected。　She　could　see　the　love　in　his　eyes；　which　he　had　never　let　die。　Something　unknown　inside　her　was