el.angeleyes-第42部分

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she　undressed；　it　was　the　play　that　has　depressed　me。　Of　course；　it　can't　possibly　have　been　the　sight　of　Natasha　Mayakova。
　She　had　been　half　hoping　to　run　into　Valeri　at　the　performance；　and　now　she　wondered　whether　that　had　been　her　motivation　for　buying　the　tickets。　Perhaps　Stanislavsky　would　know；　she　thought　wryly；　but　he　was　dead。　She　only　knew　that　visions　of　her　smiling　at　Valeri　while　she　was　on　Mars's　arm　had　filled　her　head　all　afternoon。　Now　that　it　hadn't　happened；　she　felt　deflated；　empty。　There　was　a　bitter　taste　in　her　mouth；　as　if　she　had　somehow　taken　a　bite　out　of　the　clouds　wreathing　Moscow。　And　she　could　not　figure　out　why。　Here　she　was；　with　Mars；　who　could　give　her　everything　she　ever　wanted…well；　almost　everything…and　yet　her　mind　was　filled　with　Valeri。　Right　now　the　man　she　wanted　was　Valeri…she　wanted　nothing　more　than　to　cleave　herself　to　Valeri's　musky　body；　twine　her　thighs　around　his；　open　herself　to　him。
　She　shuddered；　frightened　at　the　intensity　of　her　emotions。　It　was　as　if　she　could　no　longer　control　her　feelings。　Did　she　love　Mars？　Then　how　could　she　still　be　lusting　after　Valeri？　How　could　she　still　be　jealous　of　his　relationship　with　Natasha？　What　was　happening　inside　her？
　When　she　got　into　this　situation　she　had　been　certain　of　who　was　right　and　who　was　wrong。　She　had　allowed　Valeri　to　co…opt　her；　partly　because…　Oh；　he　was　so　right　about　her！…he　had　made　her　see　that　she　was　more　than　a　drone；　one　worker　among　many；　undistinguished；　unappreciated。　It　was　so　exciting　to　feel　wanted　by　such　a　powerful　man　as　Valeri　Bondasenko。　And　then　when　he　had　so　cleverly　shown　her　that　she　could　have　more；　that　she　could　share　in　his　power；　she　had　been　all　too　eager　to　do　what　he　asked：　spy　on　Mars。
　But　that　was　before　she　had　соmе　to　know　Mars；　before　he　had　begun　to　share　his　private　life　with　her。　Now　he　seemed　to　be　a　wholly　different　person　from　the　one　she　had　set　out　to　seduce。　Now　she　felt　ashamed　of　how　she　was　betraying　Mars　to　Valeri；　and　this　shame　caused　her　to　be　in　constant　turmoil；　as　if　she　could　not　relax　even　for　a　moment。　She　thought；　My　God；　I'm　headed　for　a　nervous　breakdown。　And　that　frightened　her　even　more；　because　then　neither　Mars　nor　Valeri　would　want　her；　and　she　would　once　again　bee　nothing　in　her　utter　isolation。　Now　she　felt　as　if　only　she…Irina　Ponomareva…was　in　the　wrong。　Which　way　should　she　turn；　to　Valeri　or　to　Mars？　God　help　her；　she　did　not　know。
　She　felt　Mars　behind　her。　〃What　is　it　with　you　and　windows？　''　he　said。　''You're　like　a　cat　who　loves　to　stare　at　nothing。　What　is　it　you　see　out　there　that　I　cannot？〃
　Irina　turned　around。　〃I　was　just　thinking。〃
　Mars　searched　her　face。　〃This　sounds　serious。　It's　too　late　in　me　night　to　be　serious；　koshka。''　Darling。　What　Valeri　had　called　Natasha　Mayakova。
　〃Don't　you　think　that　the　darkness　makes　us　more　serious；　more　melancholy；　sometimes？〃
　''I　don't　know。''　Mars　cocked　his　head　to　one　side。　She　could　see　that　he　was　curious　about　her　train　of　thought。　''I　often　do　my　best　thinking　at　night。〃
　〃There。　You　see？〃
　〃But　it's　the　quiet；〃　he　said。　〃The　intimation　of　sleep　all　around　me。〃
　〃And　when　at　last　you　do　sleep。　Mars；　what　is　it　you　dream　of？〃
　〃Electronic　sheep；''　he　said。　''Powered　by　miniature　nuclear　reactors。〃
　She　could　see；　then；　that　he　was　making　fun　of　her；　but　gently；　trying　to　deflate　her　seriousness。
　He　gathered　her　into　his　arms。　〃What's　gotten　into　you？　Ever　since　we　went　to　see　Chekhov；　you　seem　to　have　picked　up　his　brooding　soul。　Is　something　the　matter？　Perhaps　I　can　help。　I'd　like　to　help　you；　Irina。〃　He　put　his　lips　close　to　her　ear。　〃Do　you　know　that　my　family　has　disapproved　of　every　woman　I　have　ever　brought　home。　Everyone　except　you。　My　whole　family　loves　you；　Irina。〃
　Irina　felt　a　tingling；　as　if　his　words　had　galvanized　her　spirit。　She　found　that　she　was　holding　her　breath；　she　wondered　if　he　could　feel　the　thundering　of　her　heart。
　〃I　care　so　much　for　you。〃
　She　felt　weak　in　the　knees；　as　if　he　was　saying　in　real　life　what　she　had　dreamed　about　ever　since　he　had　taken　her　home　to　meet　his　family。　A　family；　she　thought…what　I　wouldn't　give　to　have　a　father；　a　mother　who　knew　and　loved　me。
　She　allowed　him　to　draw　her　away　from　the　window；　the　kind　of　precaution　against　electronic　eavesdropping　he　did　without　conscious　thought。　He　took　her　down　the　hall　and　into　the　bathroom。　He　turned　on　the　tub　taps。　There　was　even　hot　water。
　Naked；　they　climbed　in　together；　letting　the　hot　water　chum　around　them。　The　background　of　splashing　water　had　a　soothing　effect。　They　sat　face　to　face；　their　legs　around　each　other。
　He　laughed　softly；　kissed　the　tip　of　her　nose。　〃You　see；　Irina；　I　have　an　overpowering　urge　to　trust　you。　That's　a　dangerous　urge　for　one　in　my　position　in　government；　someone　who　has　such　a　powerful　enemy　in　Valeri　Denysovich。　But　lately　I　find　I　want　to　tell　you　things　I'd　never　dare　tell　another　soul。　Crazy；　isn't　it？〃　His　lips　came　down　over　hers；　crushing　them；　opening　them。　Irina　gave　a　little　moan。
　〃Not　crazy；''　Irina　whispered；　her　eyes　half　closed。　''I　think　it's　perfectly　normal　behavior　for　a　man　in　love。〃
　〃But　that's　just　it；〃　Mars　said。　〃For　a　man　like　me；　being　in　love　is　the　most　dangerous　state　of　all。〃
　〃Why？〃
　〃You　will　bee　my　weak　spot。〃
　Irina　was　aware　of　Valeri　telling　her　that　it　was　just　as　well　he　had　emerged　from　his　marriage　childless　because　in　this　terrible　world　a　child　could　be　used　against　him。　How　similar　these　two　men　were；　she　thought；　but　how　utterly　different　when　one　scratched　the　surface　of　their　carefully　prepared　facades。　Both　were　men　who　wore　masks；　and　masks　within　masks　when　they　faced　the　outside　world。　It　gave　Irina　a　fantastic　thrill　to　have　penetrated　beyond　those　masks　to　see　the　true　inner　workings　of　two　of　Russia's　most　influential　men。　And　now　one；　if　not　born；　was　in　love　with　her。　She　was　abruptly　suffused　with　the　scope　of　her　own　power；　aware　as　if　for　the　first　time　how　in　control　she　was；　how　more　in　control　she　would　be　once　she　unearthed　the　secrets　that　surely　these　men　must　harbor。　She　was　not　naive；　even　Mars　was　not　a　saint。　Their　power　could　not　have　been　acquired　without　a　degree　of　moral　corruption。
　The　old　Irina　would　have　quailed　from　such　a　notion；　but　everything　was　different　now。　The　power　had　changed　her。　She　could　see　quite　clearly　that　the　rules　for　her…as　well　as　for　Valeri　and　Mars…were　different　than　they　were　for　everyone　else。
　Irina　looked　into　Mars's　eyes　and；　in　that　moment；　she　knew　that　she　would　never　tell　him　about　how　Valeri　had　sent　her　to　spy　on　him。　This　was　a　measure　of　her　power　over　both　men；　and　she　would　never　give　it　up。
　〃Irina；　I　will　tell　you　a　secret；〃　Mars　said；　〃something　you　must　promise　never　to　tell　anyone。〃
　〃I　promise。〃
　〃I　can　well　imagine　how　Valeri　Denysovich；　for　one；　would　chop　me　up　for　fish　bait　if　he　ever　found　out　I　harbor　a　secret　affinity　for　the　nationalist　group。　White　Star。〃
　Irina　watched　him　through　the　steam　and　her　slitted　eyes。　This　was　the　last　thing　she　had　expected　him　to　say；　and；　under　the　circumstances；　it　pletely　disarmed　her。
　Mars　said；　〃You　see；　Irina；　Valeri　Denysovich　pretends　at　promise　with　the　Baltics　with　his　much　publicized　treaty。　But　he　gives　them　only　token　freedoms。　Then；　with　the　other　hand；　he　es　down　like　a　mailed　fist　against　the　Ukrainians；　his　own　people。　Imagine。〃　He　stroked　her　hair。　〃You　see；　despite　all　the　monumental　changes　taking　place　in　the　outside　world；　nationalism　is　still　a　dirty　word　inside　the　Kremlin…a　treasonable　offense。　In　fact；　there　are　some　who　believe　that　the　president　encouraged　the　pro…democracy　spin　in　Eastern　Europe　to　divert　the　increasing　pressure　the　West　was　putting　on　us　for　holding　on　to　the　Baltics。〃
　Mars　took　her　hand　in　his。　〃I　want　you　to　understand　this　clearly：　White　Star；　if　it's　legitimate…if　it's　not　being　run　by　fanatics　and　terrorists…must　be　recognized。　We　must　look　to　the　Poland　model。　Solidarity　could　not　be　denied。　Its　rise　to　power　was；　in　the　end；　the　will　of　the　people。　Our　strength…　though　our　own　government　has　yet　to　realize　it…is　in　our　people。　The　Soviet　peoples。　The　longer　we　suppress　their　individua