cpatricia.blacknotice-第12部分

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　　‘'Right　after　you　called　this　morning；　Senator　Lord　did；〃　she　quietly　told　me。　〃It　about　shocked　the　entire　field　office；　I　might　add〃
　　〃I　bet　it　did。〃
　　〃He　told　me　to　get　on　a　plane　immediately　and　e　here。。。〃
　　〃If　only　you　minded　me　so　well。〃　I　was　getting　shaky　inside　again。
　　〃That　you　needed　me。〃
　　〃I　can't　tell　you　how　glad　I　am　。　。　：'　My　voice　caught　as　I　tumbled　back　down　into　that　frigid；　dark　space。
　　〃Why　didn't　you　tell　me　you　needed　me？〃
　　〃I　didn't　want　to　interfere。　You're　so　involved　down　there。　You　didn't　seem　to　want　to　talk。〃
　　〃All　you　had　to　say　was；　l　need　you。〃
　　〃You　were　on　a　cell　phone。〃
　　〃I　want　to　see　the　letter；〃　she　said。
　　　
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　　I　laid　the　knife　on　the　cutting　board　and　wiped　my　hands　on　a　towel。　I　gave　Lucy　my　eyes　and　she　saw　the　pain　and　fear　in　them。
　　〃I　want　to　read　it　alone　with　you；〃　she　said。
　　I　nodded　and　we　went　back　to　my　bedroom　and　I　got　the　letter　out　of　the　safe。　We　sat　on　the　edge　of　my　bed　and　I　noticed　the　Sig…Sauer　232　pistol　tucked　in　an　Uncle　Mike's　Sidekick　ankle　holster　peeking　out　of　the　cuff　of　her　right　pants　leg。　I　couldn't…help　but　smile　as　I　thought　about　what　Benton　would　say。　Of　course　he　would　shake　his　head。　Of　course　he　would　go　into　some　phony…baloney　psychologizing　that　would　leave　us　weak　with　laughter。
　　But　his　humor　was　not　without　its　point。　I　was　aware　of　the　more　somber；　foreboding　side　of　what　I　was　seeing　right　now。　Lucy　had　always　been　an　ardent　worshiper　of　self…defense。　But　since　Benton's　murder；　she　had　bee　an　extremist。
　　〃We're　in　the　house；〃　I　said　to　her。　〃Why　don't　you　give　your；　ankle　a　rest？〃
　　〃Only　way　to　get　used　to　wearing　one　of　these　things　is　to　wear　it　a　lot；〃　she　replied。　〃Especially　stainless　steel。　It's　so　much　heavier。〃
　　〃Then　why　wear　stainless　steel？〃
　　〃I　like　it　better。　And　down　there　with　all　that　humidity　and　saltwater。〃
　　〃Lucy；　how；　much　longer　are　you　going　to　be　doing　this　undercover　thing？〃　I　blurted　out。
　　〃Aunt　Kay。〃　She　met　my　eyes　and　put　her　hand　on　my　arm。　〃Let's　don't　start　that　again。〃
　　〃It's　just　。　。　。〃
　　〃I　know。　It's　just　that　you　don't　want　one　of　these　letters　from　me　someday。〃
　　Her　hands　were　steady　as　she　held　the　creamy　sheet　of　paper。
　　〃Don't　say　that：'　l　said　with　dread。
　　〃And　I　don't　ever　want　one　from　you；〃　she　added。
　　Benton's　words　were　just　as　powerful　and　alive　as　they　had　been　this　morning　when　Senator　Lord　had　brought　them　to　me；　and　I　heard　Benton's　voice　again。　I　saw　his　face　and　the　love　in　his　eyes。　Lucy　read　very　slowly。　When　she　was　done；　she　could　not　speak　for　a　moment。
　　Then　she　said；　〃Don't　you　ever　send　me　one　of　these。　I　don't　ever　want　one　of　these。〃
　　Her　voice　shook　with　pain　and　anger。
　　〃What's　the　point？　So　you　can　just　upset　someone　all　over　agdin？〃　she　said；　getting　up　from　the　bed。
　　〃Lucy；　you　know　his　point。〃　I　wiped　away　tears　and　hugged　her。　〃〃Deep　down；　you　know。〃
　　I　carried　the　letter　into　the　kitchen　and　Marino　and　Jo　read　it；　too。　His　reaction　was　to　stare　out　the　window　at　the　night；　his　big　hands　listless　in　his　lap。　Hers　was　to　get　up　and　hover　in　the　room；　not　sure　where　to　go。
　　〃I　really　think　I　should　go。〃　She　repeated　herself　and　we　overruled　her。　〃He　wanted　the　three　of　you　here。　I　don't　think　I　should　be。〃
　　〃He　would　have　wanted　you　here　had　he　known　you；〃　I　said。
　　〃Nobody　leaves。〃　Marino　said　it　like　a　cop　drawing　down　on　a　room　full　of　suspects。　〃We're　all　in　this　together。　Goddamn。〃
　　He　got　up　from　the　table　and　rubbed　his　face　in　his　hands。
　　〃I　sort　of　wish　he　hadn't　done　that。〃　He　looked　at　me。　〃Would　you　do　that　to　me；　Doc？　'Cause　if　you　got　any　ideas；　I'm　telling　you　right　now　to　forget　it。　…I　don't　want　no　words　from　the　crypt　after　you're　gone。〃
　　〃Let's　put　this　pizza　on；〃　I　said。
　　We　went　out　on　the　patio　and　I　worked　the　dough　off　a　cookie　sheet　and　placed　it　on　the　grill。　I　spread　sauce　and　sprinkled　the　meats；　vegetables　and　cheese　on　top　of　it。　Marino；　Lucy　and　Jo　sat　in　iron　rocking　chairs　because　I　would　not　let　them　help　me。　They　tried　to　keep　a　conversation　going　but　no　one　had　the　heart　for　it。　I　drizzled　olive　oil　over　the　pizza；　careful　not　to　make　the　coals　flare　up。
　　〃I　don't　think　he　brought　you　together　just　so　you　could　be　depressed；〃　Jo　finally　said。
　　〃I'm　not　depressed；〃　Marino　said。
　　〃Yes；　you　are；〃　Lucy　countered。
　　〃About　what；　wiseass？〃
　　〃Everything。〃
　　〃At　least　I'm　not　afraid　to　say　I　miss　him。〃
　　Lucy　stared　at　him　in　disbelief。　Their　sparring*had　just　drawn　blood。
　　〃I　can't　believe　you　just　said　that；〃　she　told　him。
　　〃Believe　it。　He's　the　only　goddamn　father　you　ever　had；　and　I've　never　heard　you　say　you　miss　him。　Why？　'Cause　you　still　think　it's　your　fault；　right？〃
　　〃What's　wrong　with　you？〃
　　〃Well；　guess　what；　Agent　Lucy　Farinelli：'　Marino　wouldn't　stop。　〃It　ain't　your　fault。　It's　fucking　Carne　Grethen's　fault；　and　no　matter　how　many　times　you　blow　the　bitch　out　of　the　sky；　she'll　never　be　dead　enough　for　you；　That's　the　way　it　works　when　you　hate　someone　that　bad。〃
　　〃And　you　don't　hate　her？〃　Lucy　pushed　back。
　　〃Hell。〃　Marino　swilled　what　was　left　of　his　beer。　〃I　hate　her　worse　than　you　do。〃
　　〃I　don't　think　it　was　Benton's　plan　for　us　to　sit　around　here　talking　about　how　much　we　hate　her　or　anybody；〃　I　said。
　　〃Then　how　do　you　handle　it；　Dr。　Scarpetta？〃　Jo　asked　me。
　　〃I　wish　you　would　call　me　Kay。〃　I　had　told　her　this　many　times。　〃I　cant'　on。　That's　all　I　can　do。〃
　　The　words　sounded　banal；　even　to　me。　Jo　leaned　into　the　light　of　the　grill　and　looked　at　me　as　if　I　held　the　answers　to　every　question　she　had　ever　asked　in　life。
　　〃How　do　you　go　on？〃　she　asked。　〃How　do　people　go　on？　All　these　bad　things　we　deal　with　every　day；　yet　we're　on　the　other　side　of　it。　It's　not　happening　to　us。　After　we　shut　the　door；　we　don't　have　to　keep　looking　at　that　stain　on　the　floor　where　someone's　wife　was　raped　and　stabbed　to　death；　someone's　husband's　brains　blown　out。　We　lull　ourselves　into　believing　that　we　work　cases　and　won't　ever　bee　cases。　But　you　know　better。〃
　　She　paused；　still　leaning　into　the　light　of　the　grill；　and　shadows　from　the　fire　played　on　a　face　that　looked　far　too　young　and　pure　to　belong　to　someone　so　full　of　such　questions。
　　〃How　do　you　go　on？〃　she　asked　again。
　　〃The　human　spirit　is　very　resilient。〃　I　didn't　know　what　else　to　say。
　　〃Well；　I'm　afraid；〃　Jo　said。　〃I　think　all　the　time　about　what　I　would　do　if　something　happened　to　Lucy。〃
　　〃Nothing's　going　to　happen　to　me；〃　Lucy　said。
　　She　got　up　and　kissed　Jo　on　the　top　of　the　head。　She　put　her　arms　around　her；　and　if　this　clear　signal　about　the　nature　of　their　relationship　was　news　to　Marino；　he　didn't　show　it　or　seem　to　care。　He　had　known　Lucy　since　she　was　ten；　and　in　some　measure；　his　influence　on　her　had　a　lot　to　do　with　her　going　into　law　enforcement。　He　had　taught　her　to　shoot。　He　had　let　her　drive　the　streets　with　him　and　even　put　her　behind　the　wheel　of　one　of　his　sacred　trucks。
　　When　he　first　realized　she　didn't　fall　in　love　with　men；　he　had　been　the　consummate　bigot；　probably　because　he　feared　his　influence　had　fallen　short　of　what；　by　his　standard；　mattered　most。　He　may　even　have　wondered　if　he　were　somehow　to　blame。　That　was　many　years　ago。　I　couldn't　remember　the　last　time　he'd　made　a　narrowminded　ment　about　her　sexual　orientation。
　　〃But　you　work　around　death　every　day；〃　Jo　gently　persisted。　〃Aren't　you　reminded　。　。　。　of　what　happened；　when　you　see　it　happen　to　someone　else？　I　don't　mean　to；　well；　I　just　don't　want　to　be　so　afraid　of　death。〃
　　〃I　don't　have　a　magic　formula；〃　I　said；　getting　up。　〃Except　you　learn　not　to　think　too　much。〃
　　The　pizza　was　bubbling　and　I　worked　a　big　spatula　under　it。
　　〃That　smells　good；〃　Marino　said　with　a　worried　'look。　〃You　think　it's　gonna　be　enough？〃
　　I　made　a　second；　then　a　third　one；　and　I　built　a　fire　and　we　sat　before　it　with　the　lights　out　in　the　great　groom。　Marino　stuck　with　beer。　Lucy；　Jo　and　I　sipped　a　white　burgundy　that　was　crisp　and　clean。
　　〃Maybe　you　should。　find　somebody；〃　Lucy　said；　the　light　and　shadow　of　flames　dancing　on　her　face。
　　〃Shit！〃　Marino　erupte