cpatricia.blacknotice-第2部分

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le；　and　legal　pads　on　the　floor。　Cushions　were　askew；　an　ashtray　dirty　because　I'd　started　smoking　again。　He　didn't　lecture　me。
　　〃Kay；　do　you　understand　I've　got　to　have　limited　contact　with　you　after　this？〃　Senator　Lord　said。　〃Because　of　what　I　just　alluded　to。〃
　　〃God；　look　at　this　place；〃　I　blurted　out　in　disgust。　〃I　just　can't　seem　to　keep　up　anymore。〃
　　〃There've　been　rumors；〃　he　cautiously　went　on。　〃I　won't　go　into　them。　There　have　been　veiled　threats。〃　Anger　heated　his　voice。　〃Just　because　we're　friends。〃
　　〃I　used　to　be　so　neat。〃　I　gave　a　heartbroken　laugh。　〃Benton　and　I　were　always　squabbling　about　my　house；　my　shit。　My　perfectly　appointed；　perfectly　arranged　shit。〃　My　voice　rose　as　grief　and　fury　flared　up　higher　than　before。　〃If　he　rearranged　or　put　something　irt　the　wrong　drawer　。　。　。　That's　what　happens　when　you　hit　middle　age　and　have　lived　alone　and　had　everything　your　own　goddamn　way。〃
　　〃Kay；　are　you　listening　to　me？　I　don't　want　you　to　feel　I　don't　care　if　I　don't　call　you　very　much；　if　I　don't　invite　you　up　for　lunch　or　to　get　your　advice　about　some　bill　I'm　trying　to　pass。〃
　　〃Right　now　I　can't　even　remember　when　Tony　and　I　got　divorced；〃　I　bitterly　said。　〃What？　Nineteen　eighty…three？　He　left。　So　what？　I　didn't　need　him　or　anyone　else　who　followed。　I　could　make　my　world　the　way　I　wanted　it；　and　I　did。　My　career；　my　possessions；　my　investments。　And　look。〃
　　I　stood　still。　in　the　foyer　and　swept　my　hand　over　my　beautiful　stone　house　and　all　that　was　in　it。
　　〃So　what？　So　fucking　what？〃　I　looked　Senator　Lord　in　the　eye。　〃Benton　could　dump　garbage　in　the　middle　of　this　fucking　housel　He　could　tear　the　goddamn　place　down！　I　just　wish　none　of　it　had　ever　mattered；　Frank：'　I　wiped　away　furious　tears。　〃I　wish　I　could　do　it　over　and　never　criticize　him　once　about　anything。　I　just　want　him　here。　Oh；　God；　I　want　him　here。　Every　morning　I　wake　up　not　remembering；　and　then　it　hits　again　and　I　can　barely　get　out　of　bed。〃
　　Tears　ran　down　my　face。　It　seemed　every　nerve　in　my　body　had　gone　haywire。
　　〃You　made　Benton　very　happy；〃　Senator　Lord　said　gently　and　with　feeling。　〃You　meant　everything　to　him。　He　told　me　how　good　you　were　to　him；　how　much　you　understood　the　hardships　of　his　life；　the　awful　things　he　had　to　see　when　he　was　working　those　atrocious；…cases；　for　the　FBI。　Deep　down；　I　know　you　know　that。〃
　　I　took　a　deep　breath　and　leaned　against　the　door。
　　〃And　I　know　he　would　want　you　to　be　happy　now；　to　have　a　better　life。　If　you　don't；　then　the　end　result　of　loving　Benton　Wesley　will　prove　damaging　and　wrong；　something　that　ruined　your　life。　Ultimately；　a　mistake。　Does　that　make　sense？〃
　　〃Yes；〃　I　said。　〃Of　course。　I　know　exactly　what　he　would　…want　right　now。　I　know　what　I　want。　I　don't　want　it　like　this。　This　is　almost　more　than　I　can　bear。　At　times　I've　thought　I　would　snap；　just　fall　apart　and　end　up　on　a　ward　somewhere。　Or　maybe　in　my　own　damn　morgue。〃
　　〃Well；　you　won't。〃　He　took　my　hand　in　both　of　his。　〃If　there's　anything　I　know　about　you；　it's　that　you　will　prevail　against　all　odds。　You　always　have；　and　this　stretch　of　your　journey　happens　to　be　the　hardest；　but　there's　a　better　road　ahead。　I　promise；　Kay〃
　　I　hugged　him　hard。
　　〃Thank　you；〃　I　whispered。　〃Thank　you　for　doing　this；　for　not　leaving　it　in　some　file　somewhere；　not　remembering；　not　bothering。〃
　　〃Now；　you'll　call　me　if　you　need　me？〃　he　pretty　much　ordered；　as　I　opened　the　front　door。　〃But　you'll　keep　in　mind　what　I　said　and　promise　you　won't　feel　ignored。〃
　　〃I　understand。〃
　　〃I'm　always　there　if　you　need　me。　Don't　forget　that。　My　office　always　knows　where　I　am。〃
　　I　watched　the　black　Lincoln　drive　off；　then　went　into　my　great　room　and　built　a　fire；　although　it　wasn't　cold　enough　to　need　one。　I　was　desperate　for　something　warm　and　alive　to　fill　the　emptiness　left　by　Senator　Lord's　leaving。　I　read　Benton's　letter　again　…and　again　and　heard　his　voice　in　my　mind。
　　I　envisioned　him　with　sleeves　rolled　up；　veins　prominent　in　strong　forearms；　his　firm；　elegant　hands　holding　the　silver　Mont　Blanc　fountain　pen　I　had　given　him　for　no　special　reason　other　than　that　it　was　precise　and　pure　like　him。　Tears　would　not　stop；　and　I　held　up　the　page　with　his　engraved　initials　so　his　writing　would　not　smear。
　　His　penmanship　and　the　way　he　expressed　himself　had　always　been　deliberate　and　spare；　and　I　found　his　words　a　fort　and　a　torment　as　I　obsessively　studied　them；　dissecting；　excavating　for　one　more　hint　of　meaning　or　tone。　At　intervals；　I　almost　believed　he　was　cryptically　telling　me　his　death　wasn't　real；　was　part　of　an　intrigue；　a　plan；　something　orchestrated　by　the　FBI；　the　CIA；　God　only　knew。　Then　the　truth。returned；　bringing　its　hollow　chill　to　my　heart。　Benton　had　been　tortured　and　murdered。　DNA；　dental　charts；　personal　effects　had　verified　that　the　unrecognizable　remains　were　his。
　　I　tried　to　imagine　how　I　would　honor　his　request　tonight　and　didn't　see　how　I　could。　It　was　ludicrous　to　think　of　Lucy's　flying　to　Richmond；　Virginia；　for　dinner。　I　picked　up　the　phone　and　tried　to　reach　her　anyway；　because　that　was　what　Benton　had　asked　me　to　do。　She　called　me　back　on　her　。portable　phone　about　fifteen　minutes　later。
　　〃The　office　said　you're　looking　for　me。　What's　going　on？〃　she　said　cheerfully。
　　〃It's　hard　to　explain；〃　I　began。　〃I　wish　I　didn't　always　have　to　go　through　your　field　office　to　get　to　you。〃
　　〃Me；　too。〃
　　〃And　I　know　I　can't　say　much　。　。　。〃　I　started　to　get　upset　again。
　　〃What's　wrong？〃　she　cut　in。
　　〃Benton　wrote　a　letter。　。　。〃
　　〃We'll　talk　another　time。〃　She　interrupted　again；　and　I　understood；　or　at　least　I　assumed　I　did。　Cell　phones　were　not　secure。
　　〃Turn　in　right　there；〃　Lucy　said　to　someone。　〃I'm　sorry；〃　she　got　back　to　me。　〃We're　making　a　pit　stop　at　Los　Bobos　to　get　a　shot　of　colada。〃
　　〃A　what？〃
　　〃High…test　caffeine　and　sugar　in　a　shot　glass。〃
　　〃Well；　it's　something　he　wanted　me　to　read　now；　on　this　day。　He　wanted　you　。　。　。　Never　mind。　It　all　seems　so　silly。〃　I　fought　to　sound　as　if　I　were　held　together　just　fine。
　　〃Gotta　go；〃　Lucy　said　to　me。
　　〃Maybe　you　can　call　later？〃
　　〃Will　do；〃　she　said　in　her　same　irritating　tone。
　　〃Who　are　you　with？〃　I　prolonged　the　conversation　because　I　needed　her　voice；　and　I　didn't　want　to　hang　up　with　the　echo　of　her　sudden　coolness　in　my　ear。
　　〃My　psycho　partner；〃　she　said。
　　〃Tell　her　hi。〃
　　〃She　says　hi；〃　Lucy　said　to　her　partner；　Jo；　who　was　Drug　Enforcement　Agency；　or　DEA。
　　They。　worked　together　on　a　High　Intensity　Drug　Trafficking　Area；　or　HIDTA；　squad　that　had　been　relentlessly　working　a　series　of　very　vicious　home　invasions。　Jo　and　Lucy's　relationship　was　a　partnership　in　another　way；　too；　but　they　were　very　discreet。　I　wasn't　sure　ATF　or　DEA　even　knew。
　　〃Later；〃　Lucy　said　to　me；　and　the　line　went　dead。
　　　
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　　Richmond　police　captain　Pete　Marino　and　I　had　known　each　other　for　so　long　it　sometimes　seemed　we　were　inside　each　other's　heads。　So　it　really　came　as　no　great　surprise　when　he　called　me　before　I　had　a　chance　to　track　him　down。
　　〃You　sound　really　stopped　up；〃　he　said　tome。　〃You　got　a　cold？〃
　　〃No；〃　I　said。　〃I'm　glad　you　called　because　I　was　getting　ready　to　call　you。〃
　　〃Oh；　yeah？〃
　　I　could　tell　he　was　smoking　in　either　his　truck　or　police　car。　Both　had　two…way　radios　and　scanners　that。　this　moment　were　making　a　lot　of　noise。
　　〃Where　are　you？〃　I　asked　him。
　　〃Crúising　around；　listening　to　the　scanner；〃　he　said；　as　if　he　had　the　top　down　and　was　having　a　wonderful　day。　〃Counting　the　hours　till　retirement。　Ain't　life　grand？　Nothing　missin'　but　the　bluebird　of　happiness。〃
　　His　sarcasm　could　have　shred　paper。
　　〃What　in　the　world's　wrong　with　you？〃　I　said。
　　〃I'm　assuming　you　know　about　the　ripe　one　they　just　found；at　the　Port　of　Richmond；〃　he　replied。　〃People　puking　all　over　the　place；　is　what　I　hear。　Just　glad　it　ain't　my　fucking　problem。〃
　　My　mind　wouldn't　work。　I　didn't　know　what　he　was　talking　about。　Call…waiting　was　clicking。　I　switched　the　cordless　phone　to　the　other　ear　as　I　walked　into　my　study　and　pulled　out　a　chair　at　the　desk。
　　〃What　ripe　one？〃　I　asked　him。　〃Marino；　hold　on；〃　I　said　as　call…waiting　t