cpatricia.blacknotice-第21部分

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table　like　I　should　be。　And　I　don't　get　along　with　Marino。　I　admit　all　of　it。　But　I'll　tell　you　what　everyone　else　won't　if　you　promise　not　to　punish　me　for　it。〃
　　〃I　don't　punish　people　for　being　honest；〃　I　said；　angry　that　he　would　even　suggest　such　a　thing。
　　He　shrugged；　and　I　caught　a　glint　of　self…satisfaction　because　he　had　rattled　me　and　he　knew　it。
　　〃I　don't　punish；　period；〃　I　said。　〃I　simply　expect　people　to　do　what's　right；　and　if　they　don't；　they　punish　themselves。　If　you　don't　last　in　this　job；　it's　your　fault。〃
　　〃Maybe　I　used　the　wrong　word；〃　he　replied；　moving　back　to　the　counter　and　leaning　against　it；　arms　crossed。　〃I　don't　express　myself　as　good　as　you　do；　that's　for　sure。　I　just　don't　want　you　to　get　upset　with　me　for　shooting　straight　with　you。　Okay？〃
　　I　didn't　answer　him。
　　〃Well；　everybody's　sorry　about　what　happened　last　year；〃　he　began　his　opening　argument。　〃No　one　can　imagine　how　you've　dealt　with　it。　Really。　I　mean；　if　someone　did　that　to　my　wife；　I　don't　know　what　I　would　do；　especially　if　it　was　something　like　what　happened　to　Special　Agent　Wesley。〃
　　Ruffin　had　always　referred　to　Benton　as　〃special　agent；〃　which　I'd　always　thought　was　rather　silly。　If　anyone　had　been　unpretentious；　if　not　embarrassed　by　the　title；　it　was　Benton。　But　as　I　pondered　Marino's　derisive　remarks　about　Ruffin's　infatuation　with　law　enforcement；　I　gained　more　understanding。　My　wispy；　weak　morgue　supervisor　had　probably　been　in　awe　of　a　veteran　FBI　agent；　especially　one　who　was　a　psychological　profiler；　and　it　occurred　to　me　that　Ruffin's　good　behavior　in　those　earlier　days　might　have　had　more　to　do　with　Benton　than　me。
　　〃It　affected　all　of　us；　too；〃　Ruffin　was　saying。　〃He　used　to　e　down　here；　you　know；　and　order　deli　trays；　pizza；　joke　around　with　us　and　shoot　the　breeze。　A　big；　important　guy　like　him　not　having　any　kind　of　attitude。。　It　blew　my　mind。〃
　　The　pieces　of　Ruffin's　past　slipped　into　place；　too。　His　father　had　died　in　an　automobile　accident　when　Ruffin　was　a　child。　He　had　been　raised　by　his　mother；　a　formidable；　intelligent　woman　who　taught　school。　His　wife　was　very　strong；　too；　and　now　he　worked　for　me。　I　always　found　it　fascinating　that　so　many　people　returned　to　the　scenes　of　their　childhood　crimes；　repeatedly　seeking　out　the　same　villain；　which　in　this　case　was　a　female　authority　figure　like　me。
　　〃Everybody's　been　treating　you　like　we're　walking　on　eggshells；〃　Ruffin　kept　on　making　his　case。　〃So　no　one's　said　anything　when　you　don't　pay　attention；　and　all　kinds　of　things　are　going　on　that　you　don't　have　a　clue　about。〃
　　〃Like　what？〃　I　asked　as　I　carefully　turned　a　corner　with　the　scalpel。
　　〃Well；　for　one　thing；　we　got　a　damn　thief　in　the　building；〃　he　retorted。　〃And　I'm　betting　it's　someone　on　our　staff。　It's　been　going　on　for　weeks　and　you　haven't　done　a　thing　about　it。〃
　　〃I　didn't　know　about　it　until　recently。〃
　　〃Proving　my　point。〃
　　〃That's　ridiculous。　Rose　doesn't　withhold　information　from　me；　〃　I　said。
　　〃People　treat　her　with　kid　gloves；　too。　Face　it；　Dr。　Scarpetta。　To　the　office；　she's　your　snitch。　People　don't　confide　in　her。〃
　　I　willed　myself　to　concentrate　as　his　words　stung　my　feelings　and　my　pride。　I　continued　reflecting　back　tissue；　careful　not　to　buttonhole　it　or　cut　through　it。　Ruffin　waited　for　my　reaction。　I　met　his　eyes。
　　〃I　don't　have　a　snitch；〃　I　said。　〃I　don't　need　one。　Every　member　of　my　staff　has　always　known　he　can　e　into　my　office　and　discuss　anything　with　me。〃
　　His　silence　seemed　a　gloating　indictment。　He　continued　his　defiant；　smug　pose；　enjoying　this　immensely。　I　rested　my　wrists　on　the　steel　table。
　　〃I　don't　think　it's　going　to　be　necessary　to　plead　my　case　to　anyone；　Chuck；〃　I　said。　〃I　think　you're　the　only　one　on　my　staff　who　has　a　problem　with　me。　Of　course；　I　can　understand　why　you　might　feel　at　odds　with　a　woman　boss　when　it　appears　that　all　of　the　power　figures　in　your　life　have　been　women。〃
　　The　gleam　in　his　eyes　blinked　out　at　the　touch　of　his　switch。　Then　anger　hardened　his　face。　I　resumed　reflecting　back　slippery；　fragile　tissue。
　　〃But　I　appreciate　your　expressing　your　thoughts；〃　I　said　in　a　cool；　calm　way。
　　〃It's　not　just　my　thoughts；〃　he　replied；　rudely。　〃Fact　is；　everyone　thinks　you're　on　your　way　out。〃
　　〃I'm　glad　you　seem　to　know　what　everybody　thinks；〃　I　replied　without　showing　the　fury　I　felt。
　　〃It's　not　hard。　I'm　not　the　only　one　who's　noticed　how　you　don't　do　things　the　way　you　used　to。　And　you　know　you　don't。　You've　got　to　admit　that。〃
　　〃Tell　me　what　I　should　admit。〃
　　He　seemed　to　have　a　list　all　ready。
　　〃Out…of…character　things。　Like　working　yourself　into　the　ground　and　going　to　scenes　you　don't　need　to；　so　you're　tired　all　the　time　and　don't　notice　what's　going　on　in　the　office。　And　then　upset　people　call　and　you　don't　take　time　to　talk　to　them　like　you　used　to。〃
　　〃What　upset　people？〃　My　self…control　was　about　to　snap。　〃I　always　talk　to　families；　to　anyone　who　asks；　as　long　as　the　individual　has　a　right　to　the　information。〃
　　〃Maybe　you　should　check　with　Dr。　Fielding　and　ask　him　how　many　of　your　calls　he's　taken；　how　many　families　of　your　cases　he's　dealt　with；　how　much　he's　covered　up　for　you。　And　then　your　thing　on　the　Internet。　That's　what's　really　gone　too　far。　It's　sort　of　the　last　straw。〃
　　I…was　baffled。
　　〃What　thing　on　the　Internet？〃　I　demanded。
　　〃Your　chats　or　whatever　it　is　you　do。　To　be　honest；　since　I　don't　have　a　home　puter　and　don't　use　AOL　or　anything；　I　haven't　seen　it　for　myself。〃
　　Bizarre；　angry　thoughts　flew　through　my　mind　like　a　thousand　starlings　and　overshadowed　every　perception　I'd
　　ever　had　about　my　life。　A　myriad　of　ugly；　dark　thoughts　clung　to　my　reason　and　dug　in　with　their　claws。
　　〃I　didn't　mean　to　make　you　feel　bad；〃　Chuck　said。　〃And　I　hope　you　know　I　understand　how　everything　could　get　like　this。　After　what　you've　been　through。〃
　　I　didn't　want　to　hear　another　goddamn　word　about　what　I'd　been　through。
　　〃Thank　you　for　your　understanding；　Chuck；〃　I　said；　my　eyes　piercing　his　until　he　looked　away。
　　〃We've　got　that　case　ing　in　from　Powhatán；　and　it　should　have　been　here　by　now；　if　you　want　me　to　check　on　it；〃　he　said；　anxious　to　leave　the　room。
　　〃Do　that；　and　then　get　this　body　back　in　the　fridge。〃
　　〃Sure　thing；〃　he　said。
　　The　doors　shut　behind　him；　returning　silence　to　the　room。　I　reflected　back　the　last　of　the　tissue　and　placed　it　on　the　cutting　board　as　frigid　paranoia　and　self…doubt　seeped　under　the　heavy　door　of　my　self…confidence。　I　began　anchoring　the　tissue　with　hatpins；　stretching　it　and　measuring　and　stretching。　I　set　the　corkboard　inside　the　surgical　pan　and　covered　it　with　a　green　cloth　and　placed　it　inside　the　refrigerator。
　　I　showered　and　changed　in　the　locker　room；　and　cleared　my　thoughts　of　phobias　and　indignation。　I　took　a　long　enough　break　to　drink　a　cup　of　coffee；　it　was　so　old；　the　bottom　of　the　pot　was　black。　I　started　a　new　coffee　fund　by　giving　my　office　administrator　twenty　dollars。
　　〃Jean；　have　you　been　reading　these　chat　sessions　that　I'm　supposedly　having　on　the　Internet？〃　I　asked　her。
　　She　shook　her　head　but　looked　unfortable。　I　tried　Cleta　and　Polly　next　and　asked　the　same　question。
　　Blood　rose　to　Cleta's　cheeks；　and　with　eyes　cast　down　she　said；　〃Sometimes。〃
　　〃Pony？〃　I　asked。
　　She　stopped　typing　and　also　blushed。
　　〃Not　all　the　time；〃　she　replied。
　　I　nodded。
　　〃It's　not　me；〃　I　told　them。　〃Someone　is　impersonating　me。　I　wish　I'd　known　about　it　before　now。〃
　　Both　of　my　clerks　looked　confused。　I　wasn't　sure　they　believed　me。
　　〃I　can　certainly　understand　why　you　didn't　want　to　say　anything　to　me　when　you　became　aware　of　these　so…called　chat　sessions；〃　i　went　on。　〃I　probably　wouldn't　have　either　if　the　roles　were　reversed。　But　I　need　your　help。　ü　you　have　any　ideas　about　who　might　be　doing　this；　will　you　tell　me？〃
　　They　looked　relieved。
　　‘That's　awful；'　Cleta　said　with　feeling。　〃Whoever's　doing　that　ought　to。go　to　jail。〃
　　〃I'm　sorry　I　didn't　say　anything；〃　Polly　contritely　added。　〃I　don't　have　any　idea　about　who　would　do　something　like　that：〃
　　〃I　mean　it　sort　of　sounds　like　you　when　you　read　it。　That's　t