anner.bloodandgold(v2)-第69部分
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On rising； I found myself shaking loose light dreams of Bianca； dreams in which she and I were sitting in my bedroom and talking together as I told her of all the long lonely paths I'd trod； talking together as she told me of how she had drawn from mon and filthy pain her immeasurable strength。
Even as I attended the feast with my students I couldn't shake off these dreams。 They broke in on me as if I were falling asleep over the wine and meats。 The boys vied for my attention。 They thought they had failed the Master。
When I went to my rooms to paint； I was equally confused。 I painted a large picture of Bianca as the Virgin Mary with a chubby Infant Jesus。 I laid down the brushes。 I wasn't content。 I couldn't be content。
I went out of Venice into the countryside。 I searched for the Evil Doer。 I drank blood until I was glutted。 And then I returned to my rooms； and I lay down on my bed and I dreamt of Bianca again。
At last before dawn I wrote my admonitions down in my diary：
This desire to make an immortal panion is no more justified here than it was in Florence。 You have survived all your long life without ever taking this evil step； though you know well how to do it…the Druid priest taught you how to do it…and not doing it； you will continue to survive。 You cannot bring over this child to you； no matter how you envision it。 Imagine her to be a statue。 Imagine your evil to be a force that would shatter that statue。 See her then in fragments。 Know that that is what you would do。
I went back to her rooms。
It was as if I'd never seen her before； so great was her impression upon me； so soft and pelling her voice； so radiant her face and her worldly eyes。 It was an agony and also an immeasurable consolation to be near her。
For months I came to her rooms； pretending to listen to the poems recited； sometimes forced to answer in the gentle discussions regarding the theories of aesthetics or philosophy； but all the while simply wanting to be near her； studying the minutia of her beauty； closing my eyes now and then as I listened to the song of her voice。
Visitors came and went from her famous gatherings。 No one dared question her supremacy within her own domain。 But as I sat； as I observed； as I let myself dream in the candlelight； there came to my observation something subtle and dreadful as ever I had beheld。
Certain men who came into these rooms were marked for a dark and specific purpose。 Certain men； well known to the divinely alluring mistress； received in their wine a poison which would follow them as they left the genial pany and soon acplish their deaths！
At first； when I with my preternatural senses had smelled this subtle but certain poison I thought I had imagined such a thing。 But then with the Mind Gift； I saw into the heart of this enchantress； and how she lured those whom she must poison； knowing little or nothing of why they had been condemned to death。
This was the sordid lie I had first perceived in her。 A kinsman； a Florentine banker； kept her in terror。 Indeed it was he who had brought her here； provided her with her nest of lovely chambers and ever playing music。 It was he who demanded of her that the poison be placed in the proper cup to do away with those he chose。
HOW calmly her blue eyes passed over those who drank the fatal potion。 How calmly she watched as the poetry was read to her。 How calmly she smiled at me when her eyes happened to fall upon the tall blond…haired man who observed her from the corner。 And how deep her despair！
Armed with this new knowledge； no； driven to distraction by it； I went out into the night roaming； for now I had the proof on her of guilt immeasurable！ Was this not sufficient to bring her over； to force the Dark Blood upon her； and then say； 〃No； my darling； I haven't taken your life； I've given you eternity with me！〃
Beyond the city I walked the country roads for hours； sometimes pounding my forehead with the heels of my palms。
I want her； I want her； I want her。 But I could not bring myself to do it。 At last I went home to paint her portrait。 And night after night； I painted her portrait again。 I painted her as the Virgin of the Annunciation； and the Virgin with Child。 I painted her as the Virgin in the Lamentation。 I painted her as Venus； as Flora； I painted her on small panels that I brought to her。 1 painted her until I could endure it no longer。 I slumped on the floor of my painting room； and when the apprentices came to me in the dark hours of the dawn； they thought me sick and cried out。
But I couldn't bring harm to her。 I couldn't bring my Evil Blood to her。 I couldn't take her over to me； and now a most great and grotesque quality attached itself to her in my eyes。
She was evil as I was evil； and when I watched her from the corner of her room； I fancied that I studied a thing which was like unto myself。
For her life； she dispatched her victims。 For my life； I drank human blood。
And so this tender girl； in her costly gowns with her long blond locks and soft cheeks； took on a dark majesty for me； and I was fascinated by her more than ever before。
One night； so great was my pain； so dire was my need to separate myself from this young woman； that I went alone in my gondola； telling my oarsman to row back and forth through the smallest canals of the city and not bring me back to the palazzo until I gave the mand。
What did I seek？ The smell of death and rats in the blackest waters； the occasional merciful flashes of the moon。
I lay down in the boat； my head on my pillow。 I listened to the voices of the city so that I would not hear my own。
And quite suddenly； as we came into the wider canals again； as we came into a certain district of Venice； there came a voice quite different from all the others； for it was speaking from a desperate and deranged mind。
In a flash I saw an image behind the cry of this voice； the image of a painted face。 Indeed； I saw the paint laid on in marvelous strokes。 I knew the painted face。 It was the face of Christ！
What did this mean？ In a solemn silence； I listened。 No other voice mattered to me。 I banished a city full of whispers。
It was a woeful crying。 It was the voice of a child behind thick walls who on account of the recent cruelties done him could not remember his native language or even his name。
Yet in that forgotten language he prayed to be delivered from those who had cast him down in darkness； those who had tormented him and jabbered at him in a tongue he didn't know。
Once again there came that image； the painted Christ staring forward。 The painted Christ in a time…honored and Greek style。 Oh； how well I knew this fashion of painting； oh； how well I knew this countenance。
Had I not seen it a thousand times in Byzantium； and in all those places East and West to which its power had reached？
What did this mean； this mingled voice and imagery？ What did it mean that the child thought again and again of an ikon and did riot know that he prayed？
Once again there came the plea from one who thought himself to be utterly silent。
And I knew the language in which he prayed。 It was no matter to me to disentangle it； to put the words in order； having as I did such a knowledge of languages the world wide。 Yes； I knew his tongue and I knew his prayer。 〃Dear God； deliver me。 Dear God； let me die。〃
A frail child； a hungry child； a child who was alone。
Sitting up in the gondola； I listened。 I delved for the images locked away inside the child's most wordless thoughts。
He had once been a painter； this bruised and young one。 The face of Christ had been his work。 He had once mixed the egg yolk and the pigment just as I mixed them。 He had once painted the face of Christ； again and again！
Whence came this voice？ I had to discover the source of it。 I listened with all my skill。
Somewhere very near； this child was imprisoned。 Somewhere very near； he offered up his prayer with his last breath。
He had painted his precious ikons in the far country of snowy Russia。
Indeed； this child had been supremely gifted in the painting of ikons。 But he could not remember t
