brideshead+revisited-第75部分

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s。　I　want　him　to　make　some　little　sign　of　assent；　I　want　him；　anyway；　not　to　refuse　me；　then　I　want　to　give　him　God's　pardon。　Then；　though　that's　not　essential；　I　want　to　anoint　him。　It　is　nothing；　a　touch　of　the　fingers；　just　some　oil　from　this　little　box；　look　it　is　nothing　to　hurt　him。'
　　　　'Oh；　Julia；'　said　Cara；　'what　are　we　to　say？　Let　me　speak　to　him。'
　　　　She　went　to　the　Chinese　drawing…room；　we　waited　in　silence；　there　was　a　wall　of　fire　between　Julia　and　me。　Presently　Cara　returned。
　　　　'I　don't　think　he　heard；'　she　said。　'I　thought　I　knew　how　to　put　it　to　him。　I　said：　〃'Alex；　you　remember　the　priest　from　Melstead。　You　were　very　naughty　when　he　came　to　see　you。　You　hurt　his　feelings　very　much。　Now　he's　here　again。　I　want　you　to　see　him　just　for　my　sake；　to　make　friends。〃　But　he　didn't　answer。　If　he's　unconscious；　it　couldn't　make　him　unhappy　to　see　the　priest；　could　it；　doctor？'
　　　　Julia；　who　had　been　standing　still　and　silent；　suddenly　moved。
　　　　'Thank　you　for　your　advice；　doctor；'　she　said。　'I　take　full　responsibility　for　whatever　happens。　Father　Mackay；　will　you　please　e　and　see　my　father　now；'　and　without　looking　at　me；　led　him　to　the　door。
　　　　We　all　followed。　Lord　Marchmain　was　lying　as　I　had　seen　him　that　morning；　but　his　eyes　were　now　shut；　his　hands　lay；　palms　upwards；　above　the　bed…clothes；　the　nurse　had　her　fingers　on　the　pulse　of　one　of　them。　'e　in；'　she　said　brightly；　'you　won't　disturb　him　now。'
　　　　'D'you　mean。。。'
　　　　'No；　no；　but　he's　past　noticing　anything。'
　　　　She　held　the　oxygen　apparatus　to　his　face　and　the　hiss　of　escaping　gas　was　the　only　sound　at　the　bedside。
　　　　The　priest　bent　over　Lord　Marchmain　and　blessed　him。　Julia　and　Cara　knelt　at　the　foot　of　the　bed。　The　doctor；　the　nurse；　and　I　stood　behind　them。
　　　　'Now；'　said　the　priest；　'I　know　you　are　sorry　for　all　the　sins　of　your　life；　aren't　you？　Make　a　sign；　if　you　can。　You're　sorry；　aren't　you？'　But　there　was　no　sign。　'Try　and　remember　your　sins；　tell　God　you　are　sorry。　I　am　going　to　give　you　absolution。　While　I　am　giving　it；　tell　God　you　are　sorry　you　have　offended　him。'　He　began　to　speak　in　Latin。　I　recognized　the　words　'ego　te　absolvo　in　nomine　Patris。。。'　and　saw　the　priest　make　the　sign　of　the　cross。　Then　I　knelt；　too；　and　prayed：　'O　God；。if　there　is　a　God；　forgive　him　his　sins；　if　there　is　such　thing　as　sin；'　and　the　man　on　the　bed　opened　his　eyes　and　gave　a　sigh；　the　sort　of　sigh　I　had　imagined　people　made　at　the　moment　of　death；　but　his　eyes　moved　so　that　we　knew　there　was　still　life　in　him。
　　　　I　suddenly　felt　the　longing　for　a　sign；　if　only　of　courtesy；　if　only　for　the　sake　of　the　woman　I　loved；　who　knelt　in　front　of　me；　praying；　I　knew；　for　a　sign。　It　seemed　so　small　a　thing　that　was　asked；　the　bare　acknowledgement　of　a　present；　a　nod　in　the　crowd。　I　prayed　more　simply；　'God　forgive　him　his　sins'　and　'Please　God；　make　him　accept　your　forgiveness。'
　　　　So　small　a　thing　to　ask。
　　　　The　priest　took　the　little　silver　box　from　his　pocket　and　spoke　again　in　Latin；　touching　the　dying　man　with　an　oil　wad；　he　finished　what　he　had　to　do；　put　away　the　box　and　gave　the　final　blessing。　Suddenly　Lord　Marchmain　moved　his　hand　to　his　forehead；　I　thought　he　had　felt　the　touch　of　the　chrism　and　was　wiping　it　away。　'O　God；'　I　prayed；　'don't　let　him　do　that。'　But　there　was　no　need　for　fear；　the　hand　moved　slowly　down　his　breast；　then　to　his　shoulder；　and　Lord　Marchmain　made　the　sign　of　the　cross。　Then　I　knew　that　the　sign　I　had　asked　for　was　not　a　little　thing；　not　a　passing　nod　of　recognition；　and　a　phrase　came　back　to　me　from　my　childhood　of　the　veil　of　the　temple　being　rent　from　top　to　bottom。
　　　　It　was　over；　we　stood　up；　the　nurse　went　back　to　the　oxygen　cylinder；　the　doctor　bent　over　his　patient。　Julia　whispered　to　me：　'Will　you　see　Father　Mackay　out？　I'm　staying　here　for　a　little。'
　　　　Outside　the　door　Father　Mackay　became　the　simple；　genial　man　I　had　known　before。　'Well；　now；　and　that　was　a　beautiful　thing　to　me。　I've　known　it　happen　that　way　again　and　again。　The　devil　resists　to　the　last　moment　and　then　the　Grace　of　God　is　too　much　for　him。　You're　not　a　Catholic　I　think；　Mr　Ryder；　but　at　least　you'll　be　glad　for　the　ladies　to　have　the　fort　of　it。'
　　　　As　we　were　waiting　for　the　chauffeur；　it　occurred　to　me　that　Father　Mackay　should　be　paid　for　his　services。　I　asked　him　awkwardly。　'Why；　don't　think　about　it；　Mr　Ryder。　It　was　a　pleasure；'　he　said；　'but　anything　you　care　to　give　is　useful　in　a　parish　like　mine。'。I　found　I　had　three　pounds　in　my　note…case　and　gave　them　to　him。　'Why；　indeed；　that's　more　than　generous。　God　bless　you；　Mr　Ryder。　I'll　call　again；　but　I　don't　think　the　poor　soul　has　1ong　for　this　world。'
　　　　Julia　remained　in　the　Chinese　drawing…room　until；　at　five　o'clock　that　evening；　her　father　died　proving　both；　sides　right　in　the　dispute；　priest　and　doctor。

　　　　Thus　I　e　to　the　broken　sentences　which　were　the　last　words　spoken　between　Julia　and　me；　the　last　memories。
　　　　When　her　father　died　Julia　remained　some　minutes　with　his　body；　the　nurse　came　to　the　next　room　to　announce　the　news　and　I　had　a　glimpse　of　her　through　the　open　door；　kneeling　at　the　foot　of　the　bed；　and　of　Cara　sitting　by　her。　Presently　the　two　women　came　out　together；　and　Julia　said　to　me：　'Not　now；　I'm　just　taking　Cara　up　to　her　room；　later。'
　　　　While　she　was　still　upstairs　Brideshead　and　Cordelia　arrived　from　London；　when　at　last　we　met　alone　it　was　by　stealth；　like　young　lovers。
　　　　Julia　said：　'Here　in　the　shadow；　in　the　corner　of　the　stair　…　a　minute　to　say　good…bye。'
　　　　'So　long　to　say　so　little。'
　　　　'You　knew？'
　　　　'Since　this　morning；　since　before　this　morning；　all　this　year。'
　　　　'I　didn't　know　till　today。　Oh；　my　dear；　if　you　could　only　understand。　Then　I　could　bear　to　part；　or　bear　it　better。　I　should　say　my　heart　was　breaking；　if　I　believed　in　broken　hearts。　I　can't　marry　you；　Charles；　I　can't　be　with　you　ever　again。'
　　　　'I　know。'
　　　　'How　can　you　know？'
　　　　'What　will　you　do？'
　　　　'Just　go　on　…　alone。　How　can　I　tell　what　I　shall　do？　You　know　the　whole　of　me。　You　know　I'm　not　one　for　a　life　of　mourning。　I've　always　been　bad。　Probably　I　shall　be　bad　again；　punished　again。　But　the　worse　I　am；　the　more　I　need　God。　I　can't　shut　myself　out　from　his　mercy。　That　is　what　it　would　mean；　starting　a　life　with　you；　without　him。　One　can　only　hope　to　see　one　step　ahead。　But　I　saw　today　there　was　one　thing　unforgivable　…　like　things　in　the　school…room；　so　bad　they　were　unpunishable；　that　only　mummy　could　deal　with　…　the　bad　thing　I　was　on　the　point　of　doing；　that　I'm　not　quite　bad　enough　to　do；　to　set　up　a　rival　good　to　God's。　Why　should　I　be　allowed　to　understand　that；　and　not　you；　Charles？　It　may　be　because　of　mummy；　nanny；　Cordelia；　Sebastian　…　perhaps　Bridey　and　Mrs　Muspratt　…　keeping　my　name　in　their　prayers；　or　it　may　be　a　private　bargain　between　me　and　God；　that　if　I　give　up　this　one　thing　I　want　so　much；　however　bad　I　am；　he　won't　quite　despair　of　me　in　the　end。
　　　　'Now　we　shall　both　be　alone；　and　I　shall　have　no　way　of　making　you　understand。'
　　　　'I　don't　want　to　make　it　easier　for　you；'　I　said；　'I　hope　your　heart　may　break；　but　I　do　understand。'
　　　　The　avalanche　was　down；　the　hillside　swept　bare behind　it；　the　last　echoes　died　on　the　white　slopes；　the　new　mound　glittered　and　lay　still　in　the　silent　valley。


EPILOGUE

BRIDESHEAD　REVISITED


'THE　worst　place　we've　struck　yet；'　said　the　manding　officer；　'no　facilities；　no　amenities；　and　Brigade　sitting　right　on　top　of　us。　There's　one　pub　in　Flyte　St　Mary　with　capacity　for　about　twenty　…　that；　of　course；　will　be　out　of　bounds　for　officers；　there's　a　Naafi　in　the　camp　area。　I　hope　to　run　transport　once　a　week　to　Melstead　Carbury。　Marchmain　is　ten　miles　away　and　damn…all　when　you　get　there。　It　will　therefore　be　the　first　concern　of　pany　officers　to　organize　recreation　for　their　men。　M。O。；　I　want　you　to　take　a　look　at　the　lakes　to　see　if　they're　fit　for　bathing。'
　　　　'Very　good；　sir。'
　　　　'Brigade　expects　us　to　clean　up　the　house　for　them。　I　should　have　thought　some　of　those　half…shaven　scrim…shankers　I　see　lounging　round　Headquarters　might　have　saved　us　the　trouble；　however。。。Ryder；　you　will　find　a　party　of　fifty　and　report　to　the　Quartering　andant　at　the　house　at　10