cb.coldheart canyon-第40部分

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　 〃A　lot　longer　than　you；〃　she　replied。
　 〃Really？〃
　 〃Well；　of　course。　When　I　first　met　Jerry；　I'd　been　here。。。twenty；　twenty…five　years。〃
　 This　was　an　absurd　invention　of　course。　Even　without　seeing　her　clearly；　it　was　obvious　she　was　less　than　thirty；　probably　considerably　less。
　 〃But　you　said　Jerry　was　a　boy　when　you　met　him？〃　Todd　said；　thinking　he'd　quickly　catch　the　woman　in　her　lie。
　 〃He　was。〃
　 〃So　you　can't　have　known　him。。。〃
　 〃I　know　it　doesn't　seem　very　likely。　But　things　are　different　here　in　the　Canyon。　You'll　see。　If　you　stay；　that　is。　And　I　hope　you　will。〃
　 〃You　mean　buy　the　house？〃
　 〃No。　I　mean　stay。〃
　 〃Why　would　I　do　that？〃　he　said。
　 There　was　a　moment's　pause；　then；　finally；　she　stepped　into　the　light。　〃Because　I　want　you　to；〃　she　replied。
　 It　was　a　moment　from　a　movie；　timed　to　perfection。　The　pause；　the　move；　the　line。
　 And　the　face；　that　was　from　a　movie　too；　in　its　luxury；　in　its　perfection。　Her　eyes　were　large　and　luminous；　green　flecked　with　lilac。　Their　brightness　was　enhanced　by　the　darkness　of　her　eyeshadow；　and　the　thickness　of　her　lashes。　Neither　her　nose　nor　her　mouth　were　delicate；　her　lips　were　full；　her　chin　robust；　her　cheekbones　high；　almost　Slavic。　Her　hair　was　black；　and　fell　straight　down；　framing　her　face。　She　wore　plenty　of　jewelry；　and　it　was　all　exquisite。　One　necklace　lay　tightly　in　the　valley　of　her　throat；　another…much；　much　looser…fell　between　her　breasts。　Her　earrings　were　gold；　her　bracelets…several　on　each　wrist…all　elaborately　wrought。　Yet　she　carried　all　this　effortlessly；　as　though　she'd　been　wearing　a　queen's　ransom　in　jewelry　all　her　life。
　 〃I'm　sure　you　could　find　plenty　of　pany　besides　me；〃　Todd　replied。
　 〃I'm　sure　I　could；〃　she　replied。　〃But　I　don't　want　plenty　of　pany。　I　want　you。〃
　
　 Todd　was　totally　bewildered　now。　No　part　of　this　puzzle　fitted　with　any　other。　The　woman　looked　so　poised；　so　exquisite；　but　she　spoke　nonsense。　She　didn't　know　him。　She　hadn't　chosen　him。　He'd　e　up　here　of　his　own　free　will；　to　hide　himself　away。　Yet　she　seemed　to　insinuate　that　he　was　here　at　her　behest；　and　that　somehow　she　intended　to　make　him　stay。　It　was　all　pure　invention。
　 Still　she　didn't　look　crazy；　anything　but。　She　looked；　in　fact；　as　though　she'd　just　stepped　out　of　her　limo　at　the　Pavilion　and　was　about　to　walk　down　the　red　carpet　to　a　roar　of　adulation　from　the　crowd。　He　wouldn't　have　minded　being　beside　her；　either；　if　she　had　been　taking　that　walk。　They　would　have　made　quite　a　couple。
　 〃You　haven't　looked　around　the　house　very　much；〃　she　said。
　 〃How　do　you　know？〃
　 〃Oh。。。I　have　eyes　everywhere；〃　she　teased。　〃If　you'd　been　in　some　of　the　rooms　in　this　house；　I'd　know　about　it；　believe　me。〃
　 〃I　don't　find　any　of　this　very　forting；〃　he　said。　〃I　don't　like　people　spying　on　me。〃
　 〃I　wasn't　spying；〃　she　said；　her　tone　going　from　pleasing　to　fierce　in　a　heartbeat。
　 〃Well　what　would　you　call　it？〃
　 〃I'd　call　it　being　a　good　hostess。　Making　sure　your　guest　is　fortable。
　 〃I　don't　understand。〃
　 〃No；〃　she　said；　more　softly　now；　〃you　don't。　But　you　will。　When　we've　had　a　chance　to　spend　some　time　with　one　another　you'll　see　what's　really　going　on　here。〃
　 〃And　what's　that？〃
　 She　half…turned　from　him；　as　though　she　might　leave；　which　was　the　last　thing　he　wanted　her　to　do。　〃You　know　maybe　we'd　be　better　leaving　this　for　another　night；〃　she　said。　
　 〃No；〃　he　said　hurriedly。　She　halted；　but　didn't　turn　back。
　 〃I'm　sorry；〃　he　said。　They　were　rare　words　from　his　mouth。　〃Truly？〃　she　said。　Still　she　didn't　turn。　He　found　himself　longing　to　feel　her　gaze　on　him；　as　though…absurd　as　this　was…she　might　go　some　way　to　filling　the　void　in　him。
　 〃Please；〃　he　said。　〃I'm　truly　sorry。〃
　 〃All　right；〃　she　said；　apparently　placated。　She　looked　back　at　him。　〃You're　forgiven。　For　now。〃
　 〃So　tell　me　what　I've　missed。　In　the　house。〃
　 〃Oh；　all　that　can　wait。〃　
　 〃At　least　give　me　a　clue。〃
　 〃Have　you　been　downstairs？　I　mean　all　the　way　down　to　the　bottom？〃
　 〃No。〃
　 〃Then　don't；〃　she　said；　lowering　her　head　and　looking　up　at　him　with　a　veiled　gaze。　〃I'll　take　you　there　myself。〃
　 〃Take　me　now；〃　he　said；　thinking　it　would　be　a　good　opportunity　to　find　out　how　real　all　her　claims　were。　〃No；　not　tonight。〃
　 〃Why　not？〃
　 〃It's　Oscar　Night。〃
　 〃So？〃
　 〃So　it's　got　you　all　stirred　up。　Look　at　you。　You　think　you　can　drink　the　pain　away？　It　doesn't　work。　Everyone　here's　tried　that　at　some　point　or　other…〃
　 〃Everyone？〃
　 〃In　the　Canyon。　There　are　a　lot　of　people　here　who　are　feeling　exactly　like　you　tonight。〃
　 〃And　how's　that？〃
　 〃Oh；　just　wishing　they'd　had　a　few　prizes　for　their　efforts。〃
　 〃Well　they　don't　give　Oscars　to　actors　like　me。〃
　 〃Why　not？〃
　 〃I　guess　they　don't　think　I'm　very　good。〃
　 〃And　what　do　you　think？〃
　 He　mused　on　this　for　a　moment。　Then　he　said：　〃Most　of　the　time　I'm　just　being　me；　I　guess。〃
　 〃That's　a　performance；〃　Katya　said。　〃People　think　it's　easy。　But　it's　not。　Being　yourself。。。that's　hard。〃
　 It　was　strange　to　hear　it　put　that　way；　but　she　was　right。　It　wasn't　easy；　playing　yourself。　If　you　let　your　attention　drop　for　a　moment；　there　was　nothing　there　for　the　camera　to　look　at。　Nothing　behind　the　eyes。　He'd　seen　it；　in　his　own　performances　and　in　those　of　others：　moments　when　the　concentration　lapsed　for　a　few　seconds　and　the　unforgiving　lens　revealed　a　vast　vapidity。
　 〃I　know　how　it　hurts；〃　she　said；　〃not　to　be　appreciated。〃
　 〃I　get　a　lot　of　other　stuff；　you　know。〃
　 〃The　other　stuff　being　money。〃
　 〃Yes。　And　celebrity。〃
　 〃And　half　the　time　you　think：　it　doesn't　matter；　anyway。　They're　all　ignoramuses　at　the　Academy；　voting　for　their　friends。　What　do　you　want　from　them？　But　you're　not　really　convinced。　In　your　heart　you　want　their　worthless　little　statues。　You　want　them　to　tell　you　they　know　how　much　you　work　to　be　perfect。〃
　 He　was　astonished　at　this。　She　had　articulated　what　he'd　felt　on　a　decade　of　Oscar　Nights；　an　absurd　mixture　of　contempt　and　envy。　It　was　as　though　she　was　reading　his　mind。　〃How　did　you　figure　all　that　out？〃
　 〃Because　I've　felt　the　same　things。　You　want　them　to　love　you；　but　you　hate　yourself　for　wanting　it。　Their　love　isn't　worth　anything；　and　you　know　it。〃
　 〃But　you　still　want　it。〃
　 〃You　still　want　it。〃
　 〃Damn。〃
　 〃Meaning　yes？〃
　 〃Yes。　That's　it。　You　got　me。〃
　 It　felt　good；　for　once；　to　be　understood。　Not　the　usual　nodding；　what…ever…you…say…Mr。…Pickett　bullshit；　but　some　genuine　prehension　of　the　mess　inside　him。　Which　made　the　mystery　of　its　source　all　the　stranger。　One　minute　she　was　telling　him　lies　（how　could　she　possibly　have　known　Brahms　as　a　child？）　the　next　she　was　seeing　into　his　soul。　〃If　you　really　do　own　this　house；〃　he　said；　〃why　don't　you　live　in　it？〃
　 〃Because　there　are　too　many　memories　here；〃　she　said　simply。　〃Good　and　bad。　I　walk　in　here　and；〃　she　smiled；　though　the　smile　was　thin；　〃it's　filled　with　ghosts。〃
　 〃So　why　not　move　away？〃
　 〃Out　of　Coldheart　Canyon？　I　can't。〃
　 〃Are　you　going　to　tell　me　why？〃
　 〃Another　time。　This　is　a　bad　time　to　tell　that　story。〃　She　passed　her　delicate　hand　over　her　face；　and　for　a　moment；　as　the　veil　of　her　fingers　covered　her　features；　he　saw　her　retreat　from　her　beauty；　as　though　for　a　moment　the　performance　of　selfhood　was　too　much　for　her。　〃You　ask　me　a　question；〃　he　suggested。
　 Her　hand　dropped　away。　The　light　shone　out　of　her　face　again。　〃You　swear　you'll　answer　me　truthfully　if　I　do？〃
　 〃Sure。〃
　 〃Swear。〃
　 〃I　said　so。〃
　 〃Does　it　hurt　behind　the　bandages？〃
　 〃Oh。〃
　 〃You　said　you'd　answer　me。〃
　 〃I　know。　And　I　will。　It's　unfortable；　I'll　tell　you　that。　But　it　doesn't　really　hurt　anymore。　Not　like　it　used　to。　I　just　wish　I'd　never　messed　with　this。　I　mean；　why　couldn't　I　be　happy　the　way　I　was？〃
　 〃Because　nobody　is。　We're　always　looking　for　something　we　haven't　got。　If　we　weren't；　we　wouldn't　be　human。〃
　 〃Is　that　why　you　came　spying　on　me？〃　he　said；　matching　her　mischief　with　some　of　his　own。　〃Looking　for　something　you　haven't　got？〃
　 〃I'm　sorry。　It　was　rude　of　me：　watching　you；　I　mean。　Spying。　You've　as　much　right　to　your　privacy　as　I　have　to　mine。　And　it's　hard　to　protect　yourself　sometimes。　You　don't