cb.coldheart canyon-第79部分

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ensual　reality　anyhow；　right？〃
　 〃I　don't　know　what　the　hell　that　is。〃
　 〃It's　a　phrase　my　dealer　uses。　Jerome　Bunny　is　his　name。　He's　a　real　philosopher。　It　isn't　just　drugs　with　him；　it's　a　way　of　looking　at　the　world。　And　he　used　to　say　we　all　just　agree　on　what's　real；　for　convenience　sake。〃
　 〃I　still　don't　get　it；〃　Tammy　said　wearily。
　 〃Well　he　used　to　explain　it　better。〃
　 〃Anyway；　I　thought　you　didn't　do　drugs。　You　said　in　People　you　were　horrified　to　see　what　drugs　had　done　to　friends　of　yours。〃
　 〃Did　I　name　anyone？〃
　 〃Robert　Downey　Jr。　was　one。　'A　great　actor；'　you　said；　'killing　himself　for　the　highs；'　you　said。〃
　 〃Well　I　don't　fry　my　brains　every　night　like　Robert　did。　I　know　my　limits。　A　little　pot。　A　few　tabs　of　acid…〃　He　stopped；　looking　a　little　irritated。　〃Anyway；　I　don't　have　to　justify　myself　to　you。〃
　 〃I　didn't　say　you　did。〃
　 〃Quoting　me…〃
　 〃Well　that's　what　you　said。〃
　 〃Well　it's　bullshit。　It's　his　life。　He　can　do　what　the　hell　he　likes　with　it。　Where　did　all　this　start　anyhow？〃
　 〃You　saying…〃
　 〃Oh　yeah；　we're　having　this　dream　together；　because　that　way　doesn't　exist。　Can't　exist。　It's　all　something　invented。　I　mean；　how　can　any　of　that　be　real？〃
　 〃I　don't　know；〃　said　Tammy　flatly。　〃But　whatever　you　say　about　dreams　or　consenting　reality　or　whatever　it　was：　that　place　is　real；　Todd。　It's　up　there　in　the　hills　right　now。　And　she's　there　too。　And　she's　planning　her　next　move。〃
　 〃You　sound　very　sure。〃　He　was　studying　his　reflection　in　the　mirror　of　the　dresser　as　he　talked　to　her。
　 〃I　am　sure。　She's　not　going　to　let　go　of　you。　She'll　find　a　way　to　get　you　back。〃
　 〃Look　at　me；〃　he　said。　〃I　think　you　look　fine。〃
　 〃I'm　a　mess。　Burrows　fucked　it　all　up。〃　His　hands　went　up　to　his　face。　〃It's　gotta　be　a　dream。。。〃　he　said；　returning　to　his　old　theme。　〃I　can't　look　like　this　in　the　real　world。〃
　 〃I　do；〃　Tammy　said；　considering　her　own　unhappy　reflection。　〃I　look　like　this。〃　She　pinched　herself。　〃I'm　real；〃　she　said。　〃Yeah？〃　he　said　softly。
　 〃I　know　who　I　am。　I　know　how　I　got　here；　where　I　came　from；　where　my　husband　works。〃
　 〃Your　husband？〃
　 〃Yes；　my　husband。　Why？　Are　you　surprised　a　woman　with　my　dress　size　has　got　a　husband？　Well；　I　have。　His　name's　Arnie；　and　he　works　at　Sacramento　Airport。　And　you　don't　know　anything　about　him；　do　you？〃
　 〃No。〃
　 〃So　you　can't　have　dreamed　him；　can　you？〃
　 〃No。〃
　 〃See？　That's　my　life。　My　problem。〃
　 〃Why's　it　a　problem？〃
　 〃Because　he　drinks　too　much　and　he　doesn't　love　me　and　he's　having　an　affair　with　this　woman　who　works　at　the　FedEx　office。〃
　 〃No　shit。　Is　he　the　violent　type？〃
　 〃He　would　be　if　I　let　him。〃
　 〃But　you　don't。〃
　 〃I　fractured　one　of　his　ribs　the　last　time　he　tried　something　stupid　like　that。　He　was　drunk。　But　that's　no　excuse。〃
　 〃So　why　do　you　stay　with　him？〃
　 〃You　really　want　to　know？〃
　 〃Yeah。〃
　 〃Sound　like　you　mean　it。〃
　 〃I　mean　it。〃
　 〃If　I　tell　you；　you've　got　to　promise　me　one　thing。〃
　 〃What's　that？〃
　 〃Promise　first。〃
　 〃Shit。　I　promise。　Scout's　honor。　Why'd　you　stay　with　him？〃
　 〃Because　being　alone　is　the　worst。　Especially　for　a　woman。　I　walked　out　on　him　two　and　a　half　years　ago；　when　I　found　out　about　one　of　his　women；　but　after　a　month　I　had　to　go　back　to　him。　Being　on　my　own　made　me　crazy。　I　made　him　tell　me　he　was　sorry　for　humiliating　me　and　that　he'd　never　do　it　again；　but　I　knew　that　wasn't　true。　Men　can't　help　being　pigs。　It's　the　way　God　made　them。〃
　 〃And　I　suppose　women　are…〃
　 〃Bitches；　most　of　us。　Me　included。　But　sometimes　you　need　to　be　a　bitch　so　you　can　get　through　the　day。〃
　 〃And　Katya？〃
　 〃I　wondered　how　long　it　would　take　you　to　get　round　to　her；〃　Tammy　said。　〃Well　I'll　tell　you　how　much　of　a　bitch　she　was。　You　know　the　man　she　threw　into　the　room？〃　Todd　nodded。　〃His　name　was　Zeffer。　He　was　the　man　who　made　her　into　a　movie…star。　That's　the　kind　of　woman　she　was。
　 〃There　was　another　side　to　her；　believe　me。〃
　 〃Don't　tell　me：　she　loves　dogs。〃
　 〃Wait。。。〃　he　said　wearily；　waving　away　her　cynicism。　〃I'm　trying　to　explain　something　here。〃
　 〃I　don't　want　to　hear　about　her　kinder；　gentler　side。〃
　 〃Why　not？〃
　 〃Because　she's　a　bad　woman；　Todd。　They　named　Coldheart　Canyon　after　her；　for　God's　sake。　Did　you　know　that？　Anyway；　we're　neither　of　us　going　back　up　there。　Agreed？〃
　 Todd　didn't　reply。　He　simply　stared　at　the　faded　photograph　of　the　Hollywood　sign　that　hung　above　the　bed。　〃Didn't　somebody　throw　themselves　off　that？〃　he　said　finally。
　 〃Yeah。　Her　name　was　Peg　Entwistle。　She　was　a　failed　actress。　Did　you　hear　what　I　said？〃　Tammy　said。
　 〃About　what？〃
　 〃Neither　of　us　is　going　back　up　to　see　Katya　again；　agreed？　You're　not　going　to　try　and　sneak　back　up　there　the　moment　my　back's　turned？〃
　 〃Why？　Would　it　matter　so　much　if　I　did？〃　he　said。　His　belief　that　all　this　was　a　dream　seemed　to　have　lost　credibility　in　the　last　few　minutes；　〃You're　never　going　to　see　me　again　after　this　anyway。〃
　 It　was　true　of　course：　this　was　the　first　and　last　time　she'd　sit　in　a　motel　room　and　have　a　conversation　with　Todd　Pickett。　But　it　still　stung　her　to　hear　it　said。　Hurt；　she　stumbled　after　a　response。　〃It　only　matters　because　I　want　the　best　for　you。〃
　 〃Then　move　over；〃　he　said；　ing　to　the　bed；　〃and　let　me　lie　down　and　sleep。　Because　that's　what　I　want　right　now。〃　She　got　up　off　the　bed。　〃You　not　going　to　sleep？〃　he　said。　〃There　isn't　room　for　both　of　us。〃
　 〃Sure　there　is。　Lie　down　and　get　some　rest。　We'll　talk　about　this　when　we've　got　some　sleep。〃
　 He　slipped　off　his　shoes　and　lay　down；　placing　one　of　the　paper…thin　pillows　beside　the　other　so　they'd　both　have　somewhere　to　lay　their　heads。　〃Go　on；〃　he　said。　〃Lie　down。　I　won't　bite。〃
　 〃You　do　know　how　weird　all　this　is　for　me；　don't　you？〃
　 〃Which　part：　the　girl；　the　house；　the　Devil's　wife…〃
　 〃No。　You　and　me；　together　in　one　bed。〃
　 〃Don't　worry；　I'm　not　going　to　be　making　sexual　advances…〃
　 〃I　know　that…〃
　 〃…I'm　just　suggesting　we　get　some　sleep。〃
　 〃Yeah。　Well。　Okay。　But　it's　still　weird。　You　know；　you　used　to　be　somebody　I　idolized。〃
　 〃With　a　heavy　emphasis　on　the　used　to　be；〃　Todd　said；　opening　one　eye　and　looking　at　her。
　 〃Don't　be　so　sensitive。〃
　 〃No。　I　get　the　message。　It　was　the　same　when　I　met　Paul　Newman；　in　the　flesh；〃　He　closed　his　eye　again。　〃I　always　used　to　think　he　was　the　coolest　of　all　the　cool　guys。　He　had　those　ice…blue　eyes；　and　that　easy　way　of。。。〃　his　words　were　getting　slower；　dreamier　〃。。。walking　into　a　room。。。and　I　used　to　think。。。when　I'm　famous。。。〃　The　words　trailed　away。
　 〃Todd？〃
　 He　opened　his　eyes　a　fraction　and　looked　at　her　between　the　lashes。　〃What　was　I　saying？〃
　 〃Never　mind；〃　she　said　to　him；　sitting　on　the　bed。　〃Go　to　sleep。〃
　 〃No；　tell　me。　What　was　I　saying？〃
　 〃How　much　you　wanted　to　be　like　Paul　Newman。〃
　 〃Oh　yeah。　I　just　used　to　practice　my　Newman　act　for　hours　on　end。　The　way　everything　he　did　was　so　relaxed。　Sometimes　he　looked　so　relaxed　you　couldn't　believe　he　was　acting　at　all。　It　looked　so。。。easy。。。〃
　 While　he　talked　Tammy　took　off　her　own　shoes　（her　feet　were　filthy；　and　ached；　but　she　didn't　have　the　strength　to　get　into　a　shower）；　and　then　lay　down　beside　Todd。　He　didn't　even　seem　to　realize　she　was　there　beside　him。　His　monologue　continued；　though　it　became　less　coherent；　as　sleep　steadily　made　his　tongue　more　sluggish。
　 〃When　I　met　him。。。finally　met　him。。。he　was。。。so。。。small。。。〃
　 His　conclusion　reached；　he　began　to　snore　gently。
　 Tammy　sat　up　on　her　elbows　and　looked　at　him；　lying　there；　wondering　how　she　would　have　felt　if　she'd　been　told　a　few　days　ago　that　she'd　be　sharing　a　bed　with　Todd　Pickett。　It　would　have　made　her　heart　jump　a　beat　to　even　contemplate　the　possibility。　And　yet　here　she　was；　lying　down　beside　him；　and　she　felt　nothing；　nothing　except　a　vague　irritation　that　she　was　not　going　to　get　a　fair　share　of　the　bed　with　him　sprawled　out　over　it。　Oh　well；　she　had　no　choice。　She　could　either　sleep　on　the　bed　with　Mr。　Heart…throb；　or　take　the　floor。
　 She　closed　her　eyes。
　 She　was　exhausted：　sleep　came　in　a　matter　of　moments。　There　were　no　dreams。
　
　
　THREE
　 While　the　two　mismatched　adventurers　slept　in　the　subterrane