lh.narcissusinchains-第116部分

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t　want　someplace　to　hide　for　a　few　days；　you　can　stay。〃
　He　seemed　to　get　smaller；　more　huddled。　〃I　won't　hurt　anybody。　I　just　want　to　feel　safe　again；　that's　all。〃
　I　looked　at　Donovan。　〃Do　you　know　anything　about　him？〃
　〃He's　scared　of　his　own　shadow。　I　wouldn't　trust　him　to　help　in　an　emergency。　I　think　he'd　save　himself　first。〃
　Gil　didn't　argue　with　Donovan's　estimation　of　him；　he　just　huddled；　trembling。　〃If　we　only　help　the　strong　ones；　then　we're　not　helping　ourselves；〃　I　said。
　〃You'll　take　him　in；　knowing　he　can't　help　you　in　a　fight；　and　would　probably　run　to　save　his　own　skin？〃　Donovan　asked。
　I　looked　at　those　wide；　terror…filled　eyes　and　saw　something　besides　fear；　a　pleading。　They　said；　〃Please；　please　help　me。〃
　〃You　can　stay；　and　we'll　protect　you；　but　if　there　is　an　emergency　I　expect　you　to　do　your　best。　You　don't　have　to　fight；　but　don't　be　a　hindrance。〃
　〃What's　that　mean？〃　he　asked。
　〃It　means　if　the　guns　e　out；　hide　under　something；　get　low　to　the　ground。　Don't　make　yourself　a　target。　If　my　people　get　hurt　and　you　have　a　chance　to　drag　them　to　safety　but　leave　them　to　die　instead；　you'll　be　next。〃
　〃I'm　not　brave；　Anita；　I'm　not　even　a　little　bit　brave。〃
　〃Don't　be　brave；　Gil；　just　do　what　you're　told；　do　your　best　whatever　that　is；　but　understand　the　rules。　Keep　yourself　out　of　the　line　of　fire　because　we　won't　have　time　to　worry　about　you　when　the　fighting　starts。　Help　if　you　can；　stay　out　of　the　way　if　you　can't。　Simple。〃
　He　nodded；　rubbing　his　chin　between　his　knees；　over　and　over。　〃Simple；〃　he　whispered；　〃I　wish　life　were　simple。〃
　〃Life　isn't　simple；　Gil；　but　a　fight　is。〃　I　knelt　in　front　of　him；　and　I　hated　the　weakness　that　radiated　from　him。　Dear　God；　the　last　thing　I　needed　was　another　emotional　cripple　following　me　around。　But　I　couldn't　kick　him　out。　Anita　the　bleeding　heart；　who'd　have　thought　it？　I　stared　at　him；　until　his　frightened　eyes　met　mine。　〃A　fight　is　simple；　Gil。　You　protect　yourself；　your　people；　and　you　kill　the　bad　guys。　You　do　whatever　it　takes　to　get　yourself　and　your　people　out　alive。〃
　〃How　do　you　know　who　the　bad　guys　are？〃　he　asked；　voice　almost　a　whisper。
　〃Anyone　in　the　room　that　isn't　us；〃　I　said。
　〃And　you　kill　them；　just　like　that？〃
　I　nodded。　〃Exactly；〃　I　said。
　〃I　don't　think　I　could　kill　anyone。〃
　〃Then　hide。〃
　He　did　that　chin…rubbing　nod　thing　again；　like　he　was　scent　marking　his　own　knees。　〃I　can　hide；　I　know　how　to　do　that。〃
　I　touched　his　face　very　gently。　He　flinched；　then　relaxed　a　little。　All　the　animals　liked　to　be　touched。　〃I'm　not　very　good　at　hiding；　maybe　you　can　teach　me。〃
　〃Why　would　you　need　to　know　how　to　hide？〃　he　asked。
　〃Because　there's　always　someone；　or　something；　bigger　and　badder　than　you　are。〃
　〃I　can　teach　you　how　to　hide；　but　I　don't　know　if　I　can　learn　how　to　kill。〃
　Where　had　I　heard　that　before？　Oh；　I　knew　　Richard。　But　even　he　had　learned　how；　in　the　end。　〃You'd　be　surprised　what　you　can　learn；　Gil；　if　you　have　to。〃
　He　hugged　himself　again。　〃I　don't　think　I　want　to　learn　how　to　kill　people。〃
　〃Now　that；〃　I　said；　〃is　a　different　problem　altogether。〃
　〃I　don't　want　to；〃　he　said。
　I　stared　down　at　him。　〃Then　don't；　but　don't　let　your　squeamishness　get　any　of　my　people　killed。〃
　〃It's　more　likely　to　kill　me。〃
　〃True；　but　that's　your　choice　　get　yourself　killed　if　you　want；　but　don't　bring　harm　to　me　or　mine　because　of　some　moral　high　ground。〃
　〃Would　you　really　kill　me　for　it？〃
　I　knelt　back　in　front　of　him。　〃You　can　stay　with　me　and　I'll　keep　you　safe；　or　die　trying；　but　if　you　fuck　up　and　cause　the　death　of　one　of　my　leopards；　or　my　friends；　I　will　kill　you。　I　don't　want　you　to　be　crying　later　and　saying　you　didn't　understand。　Because　if　you've　earned　it；　I　will　shoot　you　while　you　beg　me　not　to。〃
　〃But　who　decides　whether　I　deserve　it？〃　he　asked。
　〃I　do。〃
　He　stared　up　at　me　as　if　he　weren't　sure　if　he　was　safer　with　me　or　without　me。　I　watched　him　think　it　through　and　felt　nothing；　no　pity。　Because　Gil　the　werefox　was　a　liability。　In　a　bat　situation　he　was　a　fucking　casualty　waiting　to　happen。　I　was　civilized　enough　to　give　him　protection　when　he　asked；　but　not　civilized　enough　to　pay　in　the　blood　of　those　I　held　dear。　In　that　moment　I　knew　I　wasn't　a　sociopath；　because　if　I　had　been；　I'd　have　kicked　his　ass　out　the　door。　Oh；　hell；　I'd　have　shot　him　and　put　him　out　of　everyone's　misery。　Instead　I　offered　him　a　hand；　and　pulled　him　to　his　feet。
　〃Do　you　understand　the　rules？〃　I　asked。
　〃I　understand；〃　he　whispered。
　〃You　willing　to　live　by　them？〃
　He　gave　one　small　nod。
　〃You　willing　to　die　by　them？〃
　He　took　a　shaky　breath；　then　gave　another　nod。
　I　smiled　and　knew　it　never　reached　my　eyes。　〃Then　wele　to　the　club；　and　keep　your　head　down。　There's　some　business　we　have　to　take　care　of　tonight。　You　can　e　along。〃　Even　I　wasn't　sure　if　that　was　an　invitation　or　a　threat。
　
　47
　
　THERE　WAS　STILL　a　thread　of　light　in　the　sky；　like　a　slender　golden　ribbon；　glowing　against　the　push　of　dark；　dark　clouds　when　we　parked　in　the　back　of　the　Circus　of　the　Damned。　The　back　parking　lot　was　for　employees。　It　was　dark；　bare；　not　the　least　bit　entertaining；　unlike　the　front；　which　was　like　a　carnival。　I'd　driven　past　the　bright　lights　and　dramatic　posters　without　a　second　glance。
　〃Did　the　clowns　up　front　have　fangs？〃　Caleb　asked。
　It　wasn't　until　he　asked　that　that　I　realized　that　none　of　them　had　ever　been　to　the　Circus。　I　undid　my　seat　belt　and　leaned　around　so　I　could　see　him　in　the　middle　section　of　seats。　He　was　sitting　pressed　against　the　door　with　Merle's　broad　shoulders　crowding　him。　Nathaniel　was　on　the　other　side　of　Merle。　Cherry　and　Zane　were　in　the　back　seats　with　Gil。　Micah　was　sitting　up　front　with　me。　Until　we　knew　my　house　wasn't　a　free…fire　zone　we'd　keep　everybody　together。　Rafael　had　sent　two　new　bodyguards　over；　but　they'd　arrived　just　as　we　were　leaving；　and　I　wouldn't　make　anyone　in　the　Jeep　move。　They　followed　us；　not　happy；　but　taking　orders；　which　was　good。
　I　answered　Caleb's　question。　〃Yeah；　the　big　spinning　clowns　on　top　of　the　sign　have　fangs。〃
　〃I　saw　a　poster　for　zombie　raisings。　Do　you　do　that？〃　Merle　asked。
　I　shook　my　head。　〃I　don't　believe　in　using　God…given　gifts　for　entertainment　purposes。〃
　〃I　didn't　mean　to　insult　you；〃　he　said。
　I　shrugged。　〃Sorry；　I'm　a　little　touchy　about　shit　like　that。　I　don't　approve　of　a　lot　of　things　some　of　my　fellow　animators　do　for　money。〃
　〃You　raise　the　dead　for　money；〃　Caleb　said。
　I　nodded。　〃Yeah；　but　I've　turned　down　more　money　than　I've　taken。〃
　〃Turned　down；　why？〃　he　asked。
　I　shrugged。　〃Local　money　who　wanted　to　have　his　Halloween　party　in　a　cemetery　so　I　could　raise　zombies　at　midnight。　Or　the　guy　that　had　offered　a　million　if　I　could　raise　Marilyn　Monroe　and　guarantee　that　she'd　do　anything　he　asked　for　a　night。〃　I　shuddered。　〃I　told　that　one　if　I　even　heard　a　rumor　that　he'd　gotten　someone　to　do　the　job；　I'd　see　his　ass　in　prison。〃
　Caleb's　eyes　were　a　little　wide。　I　think　I'd　shocked　him。　Good　to　know　that　I　could。　〃You're　deeply　moral；〃　Merle　said；　a　tone　in　his　voice　like　he　was　surprised。
　〃My　own　version　of　it；　yeah。〃
　〃You　hold　to　your　own　rules　no　matter　what？〃　Merle　made　it　a　question。
　I　nodded。　〃Most　of　the　time。〃
　〃What　will　make　you　break　your　own　moral　code？〃
　〃Harm　to　my　people；　survival；　the　usual。〃
　Merle's　eyes　flicked　to　Micah；　sitting　beside　me。　It　was　a　small　movement。　If　I　hadn't　been　looking　directly　at　him；　I'd　have　missed　it。
　〃What？〃　I　asked；　glancing　from　one　to　the　other。
　Merle　answered；　〃You　sound　like　Micah。〃
　〃You　make　that　sound　like　a　bad　thing；〃　I　said。
　He　shook　his　head。　〃Not　a　bad　thing；　Anita；　not　a　bad　thing　at　all；　just　unexpected。〃
　〃You　still　don't　sound　entirely　happy　about　it；〃　I　said。
　〃Merle　worries　too　much；〃　Micah　said。
　I　glanced　at　him；　but　he　was　watching　the　big　man。　Micah　had　tied　his　hair　back　while　it　was　still　wet；　so　that　it　lay　flat　to　his　head；　utterly　straight　until　it　spilled　out　into　the　long　ponytail；　where　the　curls　spilled　like　froth　along　his　spine。　His　hair　lay　like　brown　velvet　against　the　charcoal　gray　of　his　shirt。
　〃What　does　Merle　worry　about？〃　I　asked。
　〃Taking　c