lh.narcissusinchains-第38部分

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　inside　your　body　while　you　touch　him；　while　you　feed；　would　be　my　undoing。　I　crave　you　more　than　you　will　ever　crave　the　man　in　your　arms。　I　have　wanted　to　take　your　body　in　the　way　that　only　I　could　take　it。　To　feed　from　your　sex；　not　from　a　vein。　But　I　knew　that　would　frighten　you　more　than　blood。〃
　Micah　turned　me　towards　the　wall；　putting　my　hands　up　against　the　tile；　pressing　his　body　against　my　back。　Jean…Claude's　voice　was　soft　in　my　head；　more　intimate　than　Micah's　touch。　〃I　did　not　know　you　would　gain　this　demon　from　me；　ma　petite；　and　nothing　I　can　say　will　convince　you　of　that。　I　know　that。　I　await　you　here；　until　you　have　wrestled　the　demon；　whatever　the　oute。〃　And　he　shielded　from　me；　hid　himself　away　so　he　would　not　feel　what　was　happening；　left　me　alone　to　make　my　choice；　if　I　was　still　capable　of　choosing。
　I　found　I　did　have　a　voice　and　said；　〃Micah；　stop；　please　stop。〃
　Micah　licked　the　back　of　my　neck；　and　I　shuddered；　pressed　against　the　wet　wall。
　〃Please；　Micah；　I'm　not　on　birth　control。〃　A　clear　thought　at　last。
　He　bit　softly　at　the　back　of　my　neck。　〃I　had　myself　fixed　two　years　ago。　You're　safe　with　me；　Anita。〃
　〃Please；　Micah；　please　don't。〃
　He　bit　harder；　just　this　side　of　drawing　blood；　and　my　body　went　passive；　calm。　It　was　as　if　he'd　hit　a　switch　I　didn't　know　I　had。　When　he　pressed　himself　inside　me；　he　was　slick；　and　I　knew　that　sometime　when　I'd　been　paying　attention　to　Jean…Claude　inside　my　head；　he'd　spread　more　soap　on　himself；　allowing　that　thick　hardness　to　slide　more　easily　inside　me。
　He　pinned　me　to　the　wall　and　slid　inside　me；　one　tight　inch　at　a　time。　It　wasn't　that　he　was　long　so　much　as　he　was　wide　　wide　enough　that　it　was　just　this　side　of　pain　to　have　him　work　himself　inside　me；　even　with　the　soap。
　He　pushed　until　most　of　him　was　inside　me；　and　there　was　a　stopping　point。　Then　he　began　to　draw　himself　out；　slowly；　so　slowly。　Then　in　again；　slowly；　still　having　to　push　himself；　to　work　to　make　room　for　himself　inside　me。　I　stood　pinned　against　the　wall；　passive；　unmoving。　It　wasn't　like　me。　I　moved　during　sex。　But　I　didn't　want　to　move；　didn't　want　to　stop；　and　there　was　no　thinking；　just　the　feel　of　him　moving　in　and　out　of　me。　I　wasn't　as　tight　now；　and　the　soap　had　given　way　to　my　own　wetness；　so　that　he　began　to　move　more　smoothly　in　and　out　of　me。　He　was　gentle；　but　he　was　so　big　that　even　gentle　was　almost　overwhelming。　He　came　to　the　end　of　my　body　before　the　full　shaft　of　him　was　inside　me。　I　could　feel　him　bumping　against　my　cervix　at　the　end　of　each　stroke。　Most　women　find　having　their　cervix　bumped　painful；　but　some　women　find　it　pleasurable。　His　size　was　intimidating；　but　when　I　realized　it　didn't　hurt；　in　fact　that　it　felt　wonderful；　a　part　of　me　that　was　still　sane；　still　keeping　track　of　some　safety　measures；　relaxed　and　shut　down。　My　last　measure　of　control　went　away。　I　didn't　want　sex。　That　was　just　a　means　to　an　end。　I　wanted　to　feed。　I　wanted　to　eat　his　lust；　drink　his　heat；　bathe　in　his　energy。　The　thought　brought　a　sound　low　in　my　throat。
　Micah　braced　himself　against　the　wall；　his　body　pinning　mine　pletely；　and　began　to　find　a　rhythm；　still　gentle；　but　quicker。　He　was　being　so　careful　of　me；　and　I　didn't　want　him　careful。
　I　heard　a　voice　that　didn't　quite　sound　like　mine。　〃Harder。〃
　His　voice　came　out　squeezed　tight。　〃It　will　hurt　if　I　do　it　harder。〃
　〃Try　me。〃
　〃No。〃
　〃Micah；　please；　just　do　it；　please。　If　it　hurts　I'll　tell　you。　Please。〃　He'd　been　less　controlled　in　the　other　room；　and　I　realized　why。　He　truly　was　afraid　of　hurting　me　because　he　was　inside　me。　When　he　was　just　rubbing　himself　on　my　body；　he　hadn't　had　to　worry　about　damaging　me。　Now　he　did。　It　gave　him　an　edge　of　control　that　kept　me　from　feeding。　He　was　a　Nimir…Raj；　and　he　had　enough　power　to　keep　me　out。　Unless　he　let　down　his　guard。　To　do　that　he　had　to　lose　more　control　than　this。
　Even　as　I　thought　it；　a　part　of　me　was　swimming　to　the　surface。　I　could　think　again；　at　least　a　little。　I　didn't　want　to　do　this。　I　didn't　want　to　feed　off　of　him。　It　was　wrong；　in　so　many　ways　it　was　wrong。　I　started　to　say；　〃Micah；　stop；　I　can't　do　this。〃　I　got　as　far　as；　〃Micah　。。。　〃　and　he　took　me　at　my　word。　He　thrust　into　me　so　hard　and　fast　it　tore　a　scream　from　my　throat　and　brought　that　new　part　of　me　that　was　Jean…Claude's　hunger　in　a　raging　wave　of　heat　that　rode　my　body　and　spilled　out　my　mouth。
　He'd　stopped。　〃Are　you　alright？〃
　〃Don't　stop。　Don't　stop！〃
　He　never　asked　again。　He　drove　himself　inside　me　so　fast　and　hard　that　it　left　me　gasping；　unable　to　catch　my　breath。　Small；　helpless　noises　fell　from　my　lips；　spaced　with　the　words；　〃Oh；　God；　yes；　yes；　Micah！〃　Every　time　he　thrust　as　far　as　he　could；　smashing　himself　inside　me；　it　rode　that　fine　line　between　overwhelming　pleasure　and　pain。　And　just　as　the　pleasure　began　to　turn　to　pain；　he'd　withdraw；　and　I'd　be　able　to　breathe　again。　Then　he'd　thrust　himself　inside　me　again；　and　it　would　start　all　over。
　It　felt　like　he　filled　me　up　as　if　I　were　a　cup；　until　there　was　nothing　inside　me　but　the　feel　of　his　body；　the　feel　of　his　flesh　pounding　into　mine。　It　was　tight；　thick；　like　he'd　plugged　a　hole　with　his　body；　and　would　never　let　it　go。　That　sense　of　fullness　inside　me　grew；　grew；　and　spilled　over　me；　through　me；　inside　me；　and　tore　out　of　my　mouth　in　ragged；　frantic　screams；　as　my　body　spasmed　around　him。　And　it　was　only　then　that　his　control　slipped　away；　letting　me　know　that　he　had　still　been　gentle。　His　control　went　when　he　did；　and　I　drank　him　into　me；　through　his　chest　pressed　to　my　back；　his　hips　thrusting　against　my　butt。　I　drank　him　in；　as　he　exploded　inside　me。　I　fed　on　him；　drew　him　inside　every　pore　of　my　skin；　until　it　was　as　if　our　skins　gave　way　and　we　spilled　into　each　other；　became　for　one　shining　moment　one　thing；　one　beast。　And　I　could　feel　his　beast　inside　mine；　as　if　they　were　coupling　within　our　bodies　as　our　human　shells　merged。　In　that　moment；　I　didn't　doubt　that　I　was　truly　his　Nimir…Ra。
　When　we　were　finished　and　had　slid　to　the　floor；　him　still　inside　me；　his　arms　hugging　me　to　the　front　of　his　body；　I　started　to　cry。　He　was　afraid　he'd　hurt　me；　but　that　wasn't　it。　I　couldn't　explain　the　tears　to　him；　because　I　didn't　want　to　say　it　out　loud。　But　I　knew。　I'd　tried　not　to　be　one　of　the　monsters　for　so　long；　and　now；　in　one　fell　swoop　I　was　them；　both　of　them。　You　couldn't　be　a　bloodsucking　vampire　and　be　a　lycanthrope　at　the　same　time。　They　canceled　each　other　out　as　a　disease　or　a　curse。　But　I　had　felt　my　beast　curl　around　Micah's。　I　had　felt　it　like　an　embryo　in　a　safe　warm　place；　waiting。　And　I　had　fed　off　of　him　as　surely　as　any　vampire。　I'd　always　thought　I'd　have　to　drink　blood　to　be　one　of　them。　But　I　had　been　wrong；　wrong　about　so　many　things。　I　let　Micah　hold　me。　I　felt　his　heart　pounding　against　my　back　and　wept。
　
　12
　
　NATHANIEL　DROVE　BECAUSE　I　was　too　shaky　to　concentrate。　I　was　functioning；　moving　forward；　solving　the　problems　one　at　a　time；　but　it　was　as　if　the　very　ground　I　walked　on；　the　air　I　breathed　was　precarious　and　new。　As　if　everything　had　changed；　because　I　had　changed。　I　knew　better。　I　knew　that　no　matter　how　bad　you　feel；　or　what　horrible　thing　happens　to　you；　that　the　world　just　keeps　on　going。　That　the　rest　of　the　world　doesn't　even　realize　that　the　monsters　are　eating　your　heart。　A　long　time　ago　it　use　to　bother　me　that　I　could　be　in　such　confusion；　such　pain；　and　the　world　just　didn't　give　a　shit。　The　world；　the　creation　as　a　whole；　is　designed　to　move　forward；　to　keep　on　keeping　on　without　any　one　individual　person。　It　feels　damned　impersonal；　and　it　is。　But；　then；　if　the　world　stopped　rotating　just　because　one　of　us　was　having　a　bad　day；　we'd　all　be　floating　out　in　space。
　So　I　huddled　in　the　passenger　seat　of　my　Jeep　in　the　late　darkness　and　knew　that　only　I　had　changed。　But　it　was　just　such　a　big　change　that　it　felt　like　the　world　should　have　changed　its　orbit；　just　a　little。
　June　was　back　to　its　normal　hot；　sticky　self。　Nathaniel　wore　a　ribbed　tank　top　and　silky　jogging　shorts。　He'd　tied　his　nearly　ankle…length　hair　in　a　loose　braid　that　curled　on　the　seat　beside　his　thigh。　He'd　found　that　if　he　let　his　hair　fall　onto　the　floorboa