lh.narcissusinchains-第49部分

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n　my　throat。　I　could　feel　his　eagerness；　not　for　me；　but　for　what　Jean…Claude　had　to　offer。　He　came　eagerly　to　the　vampire；　in　that　breathless　rush　that　you　usually　save　for　sex。　They　mirrored　each　other；　both　on　their　knees；　gazing　at　each　other　across　my　body。
　〃I　will　leave　you　alone　with　your　pommes　de　sang　and　each　other。〃　Asher　was　standing　next　to　the　bed；　belting　the　sash　at　his　waist；　securing　the　robe　around　him。　He　stood　very　straight　with　that　perfect　posture　that　all　the　old　nobles　seemed　to　have；　but　still　he　huddled　inside　the　robe。
　I　rolled　onto　my　stomach；　gazing　at　him；　trying　to　read　his　face；　his　body。　The　disfort　I　could　read；　and　even　pain。　And　it　must　have　shown　on　my　face；　because　Asher　dropped　his　gaze；　that　wonderful　golden　hair　sliding　over　the　scarred　side　of　his　face；　so　that　when　he　looked　up；　you　could　see　nothing　but　the　perfect　half　of　him；　that　one　ice…blue　eye。
　I　had　a　sudden　memory　of　lying　in　a　different　bed　in　a　huge　dark　room　surrounded　by　dozens　of　candles　until　the　shadows　moved　and　rippled　with　every　small　breath　of　air；　every　movement　of　a　pale　arm。　I　lay　in　that　trembling　golden　darkness　in　the　embrace　of　a　pale；　dark…haired　woman。　I　gazed　up　at　her；　and　her　face　was　like　something　carved　of　alabaster；　with　lips　red　and　perfect；　hair　like　the　darkness　of　night　made　into　furred　silk；　falling　around　her　nude　perfection　like　a　veil。　Her　eyes　were　pale　brown；　like　dark　honey。　I　knew　it　was　Belle　Morte；　as　if　I'd　always　known　her　face。
　The　door　opened；　and　Asher　entered；　wearing　a　robe　more　elaborate；　heavier　than　the　one　he　wore　now。　But　still　he　huddled　in　it；　held　it　around　his　body；　afraid。　I　saw　the　scars　on　his　face　　fresh；　raw　　and　it　was　。。。　painful。　My　chest　went　tight　with　the　sight　of　his　ruin。　I　went　to　my　knees；　reaching　out　to　him；　moving　a　body　that　I'd　never　been　inside。　Jean…Claude　reaching　out　to　Asher　all　those　centuries　ago。　But　she　lay　there　nude　and　perfect　showing　every　curve；　every　secret　place　to　the　candlelight；　and　turned　him　away。　I　couldn't　remember　the　words　she　used；　only　the　look　on　her　face；　the　utter　arrogance；　the　distaste。　The　look　on　Asher's　face　as　he　turned　from　her　to　Jean…Claude；　to　me。　The　look　of　pain；　and　he　let　that　glorious　hair　fall　forward；　hiding　his　face；　and　it　was　the　first　time　we'd　seen　him　do　that；　hide　from　us。
　I　felt　her　hands　on　our　body　as　she　turned　back　to　us；　as　if　Asher　were　no　longer　there；　but　we　remembered　the　look　on　his　face；　the　line　of　his　body　as　he　left　that　room。　I　blinked　and　was　back　in　Jean…Claude's　bedroom；　watching　Asher　in　his　brown　silk　robe　walking　towards　the　door。　And　the　line　of　his　shoulders；　the　way　he　held　himself；　made　my　chest　tight；　closed　my　throat；　made　my　eyes　hot　with　things　unsaid　and　unshed。
　〃Don't　go。〃　I　heard　myself　say　it；　and　I　glanced　up　at　Jean…Claude。　His　face　was　careful；　unreadable；　but　for　just　a　moment　I　saw　his　eyes；　and　the　pain　I　was　feeling　was　only　an　echo　of　what　filled　his　eyes。
　Asher　stopped　at　the　door　and　turned；　his　hair　falling　over　his　face；　the　robe　covering　everything　else。　He　said　nothing；　just　looked　back　at　me；　at　us。
　I　repeated；　〃Don't　go；　Asher；　don't　go。〃
　〃Why　not？〃　he　asked；　his　voice　as　careful　and　neutral　as　he　could　make　it。
　I　couldn't　tell　him　about　the　shared　memory。　It　would　sound　like　pity；　and　it　wasn't　that　　not　exactly。　I　couldn't　think　of　a　good　lie。　But　this　wasn't　really　the　time　for　lies；　anyway。　Only　truth　would　heal　this。　〃I　can't　stand　to　watch　you　walk　away　like　this。〃
　He　moved　his　gaze　from　me　to　Jean…Claude；　and　there　was　anger　in　him　now。　〃You　had　no　right　to　share　that　memory　with　her。〃
　〃I　do　not　choose　what　ma　petite　knows　and　what　she　does　not。〃
　〃Very　well；〃　Asher　said。　〃Now　you　know　how　she　cast　me　out　of　her　bed。　How　she　cast　me　out　of　his　bed。〃
　〃That　was　your　choice；〃　Jean…Claude　said。
　〃How　could　you　bear　to　touch　me？　I　couldn't　bear　to　touch　me。〃　He　stayed　near　the　door　with　his　head　turned　to　one　side；　so　all　you　could　see　was　a　wave　of　golden　hair。　His　voice　held　bitterness　the　way　it　could　sometimes　hold　joy　　a　bitterness　that　was　hard　to　swallow；　like　choking　on　broken　glass。　Asher's　voice　and　laugh　weren't　as　good　as　Jean…Claude's；　but　he　seemed　better　at　sharing　sorrow　and　regret　than　Jean…Claude。
　〃Why？〃　I　asked；　already　knowing　the　answer。
　〃Why　what？〃
　〃Why　did　she　cast　you　out？〃
　Jean…Claude　moved　beside　me；　and　I　realized　two　things。　One；　he　was　shielding　from　me；　from　all　of　us；　so　I　couldn't　sense　him；　and　two；　his　body　movement　alone　let　me　know　he　wasn't　happy。
　Asher　grabbed　his　hair；　forced　it　back　from　his　face；　showed　the　scars　to　the　light。　〃This；　this。　Our　mistress　was　a　collector　of　beauty；　and　I　am　no　longer　beautiful。　It　pained　her　visibly　to　see　me。〃
　〃You　are　beautiful；　Asher。　That　she　couldn't　see　that　isn't　your　fault。〃
　He　let　his　hair　fall　back。　It　slid　over　the　scars；　hiding　them。　He　had　almost　stopped　doing　that　when　he　was　here　in　the　Circus。　I'd　forgotten　how；　when　he　first　arrived　in　St。　Louis；　he　had　automatically　hidden　whenever　you　looked　directly　at　him。　He　had　used　every　shadow；　every　fall　of　light　to　hide　the　scars　and　highlight　the　beauty　that　remained　untouched。　He　had　stopped　doing　that　around　me。
　It　hurt　my　heart　to　see　him　hide。　I　tried　to　keep　the　sheet　over　me　as　I　crawled　towards　the　edge　of　the　bed；　but　it　was　all　tangled　and　trapped　under　Jason's　and　Jean…Claude's　weight。　Screw　it；　everyone　here　had　seen　the　show。　I　wanted　to　wipe　that　hurt　look　from　Asher's　face　more　than　I　wanted　to　be　modest。
　Jason　moved　out　of　my　way　without　uttering　a　single　teasing　ment。　Unheard　of！　I　crawled　off　the　bed　and　walked　towards　Asher；　and　other　memories　spilled　over　me　like　cards　thrown　in　the　air。　How　many　times　had　he　watched　Jean…Claude　and　Belle　Morte　and　Julianna　and　so　many　others　walk　towards　him　nude　and　eager。　Even　Jean…Claude　had　failed　him。　There　had　been　that　shadow　in　his　eyes　formed　of　guilt。　Guilt　at　failing　to　save　Julianna；　failing　to　save　Asher。　But　Asher　had　assumed　it　was　rejection　and　that　Jean…Claude　touched　him　only　out　of　pity。　It　hadn't　been　pity　　I　had　the　memory　of　it　　it　had　been　pain。　They　had　bee　constant　reminders　of　how　each　had　failed　the　other。　A　constant　reminder　of　the　woman　they'd　both　loved；　and　lost。　Until　the　pain　was　all　they　had　left。　Asher　had　turned　it　into　hate；　and　Jean…Claude　had　simply　turned　away。
　I　walked　through　the　memories　like　moving　through　cobwebs；　things　that　brushed　me；　clung　to　me；　but　did　not　stop　me。　His　hands　were　behind　his　back；　his　body　leaning　against　the　door；　pinning　them；　and　I　knew　why。　Through　Jean…Claude's　〃gift〃　I　knew　that　Asher　wanted　to　touch　me　and　didn't　trust　himself　enough　to　have　his　hands　out　in　front　of　him。　But　it　wasn't　me　he　wanted　to　touch。　In　a　way　he　was　like　Nathaniel；　he　saw　in　me　what　he　needed　to　see；　not　exactly　what　was　there。
　I　touched　his　hair　where　it　hid　his　face。　He　flinched。　I　swept　the　hair　back　from　his　face；　standing　on　tip…toe　to　reach　him；　putting　one　hand　lightly　on　his　chest　for　balance。　He　moved　away　from　me；　taking　a　step　into　the　room。　I　grabbed　his　robe；　but　he　stayed　turned　away　as　the　robe　pulled　back　from　the　perfect　half　of　his　chest。　〃Look　at　me；　Asher；　please。〃
　He　stayed　turned　away；　and　I　finally　had　to　walk　those　few　steps　to　him。　I　was　short　enough　that；　standing　right　in　front　of　him；　I　could　look　up　underneath　the　hair　into　his　face。　He　turned　away　again；　and　I　stretched　up；　putting　a　hand　on　either　side　of　his　face；　turning　him　to　look　at　me。　It　put　my　body　against　his　just　for　balance；　and　I　felt　the　reluctance　in　his　body；　the　need　to　move　away。　But　he　stayed　immobile　under　my　touch。　He　kept　his　hands　behind　his　back；　as　if　I'd　tied　them　there。
　The　skin　under　one　hand　was　so　smooth；　the　other　so　rough。　He　could　have　fought　me；　but　he　didn't。　He　let　me　turn　his　face　to　me。　I　wrapped　my　hands　in　the　thickness　of　his　golden　hair；　holding　it　back　from　his　face。　I　stared　into　his　upturned　face。　The　eyes；　that　impossible　pale　blue；　were　unreal；　like　the　eyes　of　a　husky。　His　lips　were　still　full　and　kissable；　his　nose　still　a　perfect　profile。　Even　the　scars　that　started　far　on　the　right　side　of　his　face　were　just　ano