lh.narcissusinchains-第81部分

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e　supposed　to　follow　your　king；　if　he's　worthy　of　the　name。　For　the　first　time　ever　I　thought　maybe；　just　maybe；　Richard　was　going　to　be　Ulfric　after　all。
　
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　THE　OUBLIETTE　WAS　a　rounded　metal　lid　set　in　the　ground。　The　metal　lid　sat　in　the　middle　of　a　clearing　scattered　with　tall；　thin　trees。　Honeysuckle　bushes　ringed　the　lid　on　one　side；　leaves　were　so　thick　on　the　ground　that　the　area　looked　untouched。　I　would　never　have　found　it　if　I　hadn't　known　it　was　there。
　Oubliette　is　French　for　a　little　place　of　forgetting；　but　that's　not　a　direct　translation。　Oubliette　simply　means　little　forgetting；　but　what　it　is；　is　a　place　where　you　put　people　when　you　don't　plan　on　ever　letting　them　out。　Traditionally　it's　a　hole　where　once　you　push　someone　in　they　can't　get　out。　You　don't　feed　them；　or　water　them；　or　talk　to　them；　or　anything　to　them。　You　just　walk　away。　There's　a　Scottish　castle　where　they　found　an　oubliette　that　had　literally　been　walled　up　and　forgotten；　discovered　only　during　modern　remodeling。　The　floor　was　littered　with　bones　and　had　an　eighteenth…century　pocket　watch　in　among　the　debris。　It　had　an　opening　where　you　could　see　the　main　dining　hall；　could　have　smelled　the　food；　while　you　starved　to　death。　I　remembered　wondering　if　you　could　hear　the　person　screaming　from　the　dining　hall　while　you　ate。　Most　oubliettes　are　more　isolated；　so　that　once　you　put　him　away；　you　never　have　to　worry　about　the　prisoner　again。
　Two　of　the　werewolves　in　nice　human　form　knelt　by　the　metal　and　began　unscrewing　two　huge　bolts　in　the　lid。　There　was　no　key。　You　screwed　the　lid　in　place　and　just　walked　away。　Fuck。
　The　lid　lifted　off；　and　it　took　both　of　them　to　carry　it　away。　Heavy；　just　in　case　the　drugs　didn't　keep　the　adrenaline　from　pumping　enough　and　cause　the　change。　Even　in　animal　form　you'd　still　have　a　hard　time　getting　through　the　lid。
　I　walked　to　the　edge　of　the　hole；　and　the　smell　drove　me　back。　It　smelled　like　an　outhouse。　I　don't　know　why　it　surprised　me。　Gregory　had　been　down　there　for　what；　three　days；　four？　In　the　movies　they　talk　about　you　starving　to　death；　the　romantic　stuff　　if　such　horror　is　really　romantic　　but　no　one　ever　talks　about　your　bowels　moving；　or　the　fact　that　when　you　have　to　go；　you　have　to　go。　It's　not　romantic；　it's　just　humiliating。
　Jamil　brought　a　rope　ladder　and　attached　it　with　large　metal　clips　to　the　side　of　the　hole。　The　ladder　fell　away　into　the　darkness　with　a　dry；　slithery　sound。　I　forced　myself　to　crawl　back　to　the　edge　of　the　oubliette。　I　was　prepared　now　for　the　smell；　and　underneath　the　ripe　smell　of　life　in　too　small　a　space　was　a　dry　smell；　a　dry；　dusty　smell。　The　smell　of　old　bones；　old　death。
　Gregory　wasn't　the　strongest　person　I　knew；　not　even　one　of　the　top　hundred。　What　had　it　done　to　him　to　lie　there　in　the　dark　with　the　stench　of　old　bones；　old　death；　pressed　against　his　body？　Had　they　explained　to　him　how　they'd　leave　him　there　to　die？　Had　they　told　him　every　time　they　screwed　the　lid　back　in　place　that　they　weren't　ing　back；　except　to　drug　him？
　The　hole　was　like　a　perfect　blackness；　darker　than　the　star…filled　night　sky；　darker　than　anything　I'd　seen　in　a　long　time。　It　was　wide　enough　for　Richard's　broad　shoulders　to　have　scooted　down　into　the　dark；　but　barely。　The　longer　I　stared　at　it；　the　narrower　it　seemed　to　bee；　as　if　it　were　some　great　black　mouth　waiting　to　swallow　me　down。　Have　I　mentioned　that　I'm　claustrophobic？
　Richard　came　to　stand　beside　me；　peering　down　into　the　hole。　He　had　an　unlit　flashlight　in　his　hand。　Something　must　have　shown　on　my　face；　because　he　said；　〃Even　we　need　some　light　to　see　by。〃
　I　held　my　hand　out　for　the　flashlight。
　He　shook　his　head。　〃I　let　this　happen。　I'll　get　him　out。〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃No。　He's　mine。〃
　He　knelt　beside　me　and　spoke　softly；　〃I　can　smell　your　fear。　I　know　you　don't　like　close　places。〃
　I　stared　back　into　the　hole　and　let　myself　acknowledge　just　how　afraid　I　was。　So　afraid　that　I　could　taste　something　flat　and　metallic　on　my　tongue。　So　afraid　that　my　pulse　was　hammering　in　my　throat；　like　a　trapped　thing。　My　voice　came　out　calm；　normal。　I　was　glad。　〃It　doesn't　matter　that　I'm　afraid。〃　I　touched　the　flashlight；　tried　to　pull　it　from　his　hand；　but　he　held　on。　And；　short　of　playing　tug　of　war　　which　I　would　probably　lose　　I　wasn't　getting　it　away　from　him。
　〃Why　do　you　have　to　be　the　toughest；　the　bravest？　Why　can't　you；　just　once；　let　me　do　something　for　you？　Going　down　in　the　hole　doesn't　scare　me。　Let　me　do　this　for　you。　Please。〃　His　voice　was　still　soft；　and　he　was　leaning　into　me　enough　so　that　I　could　smell　the　drying　blood　on　him；　the　richness　of　fresh　blood　in　his　mouth；　as　if　some　small　cut　had　not　healed　pletely。
　I　shook　my　head。　〃I　have　to　do　it；　Richard。〃
　〃Why？〃　and　his　voice　held　the　first　hint　of　anger；　like　a　slap　of　warmth。
　〃Because　it　scares　me；　and　I　have　to　know　if　I　can。〃
　〃Can　what？〃
　〃If　I　can　crawl　down　into　that　hole。〃
　〃Why？　Why　do　you　need　to　know　that？　You've　proven　to　me　and　everyone　here　that　you're　tough。　You　don't　have　anything　left　to　prove　to　us。〃
　〃To　me；　Richard；　I　have　something　left　to　prove　to　me。〃
　〃What　difference　would　it　make　if　you　couldn't　climb　down　in　that　stinking　hole？　You'll　never　have　to　do　it　again；　Anita。　Just　don't　do　it。〃
　I　looked　at　him；　at　the　puzzlement　in　his　face；　his　eyes；　which　had　bled　back　to　their　normal；　perfect　brown。　I'd　been　trying　to　explain　shit　like　this　to　Richard　for　a　few　years　now。　I　finally　realized　that　he　would　never　understand　and　I　was　tired　of　trying　to　explain　myself；　not　just　to　Richard；　to　everybody。
　〃Give　me　the　flashlight；　Richard。〃
　He　held　on　with　both　hands。　〃Why　do　you　have　to　do　this？　Just　tell　me　that。　You're　so　scared　your　mouth　is　dry。　I　can　taste　it　on　your　breath。〃
　〃And　I　can　taste　fresh　blood　on　yours；　but　I　have　to　do　it　because　it　scares　me。〃
　He　shook　his　head。　〃This　isn't　courage；　Anita；　this　is　stubbornness。〃
　I　shrugged。　〃Maybe；　but　I　still　have　to　do　it。〃
　He　clutched　the　flashlight　tighter。　〃Why？〃　And　somehow　I　thought　the　question　was　about　more　than　the　oubliette　and　why　I　had　to　climb　inside　it。
　I　sighed。　〃Less　and　less　scares　me；　Richard。　So　when　I　find　something　that　does　bother　me；　I　have　to　test　it。　I　have　to　see　if　I　can　do　it。〃
　〃Why？〃　He　studied　my　face　like　he'd　memorize　it。
　〃Just　to　see　if　I　can。〃
　〃Why？〃　and　the　anger　was　more　than　a　faint　hint　now。
　I　shook　my　head。　〃I'm　not　peting　with　you；　Richard；　or　anyone　else。　I　don't　give　a　shit　who's　better　or　faster　or　braver。〃
　〃Then　why　do　it？〃
　〃The　only　person　I　pete　against　is　me；　Richard；　and　I'll　think　less　of　me　if　I　let　you；　or　anyone　else；　climb　down　in　that　hole　first。　Gregory　is　my　boy；　not　yours；　and　I　have　to　rescue　him。〃
　〃You've　already　rescued　him；　Anita。　It　doesn't　matter　who　climbs　in　the　damn　hole。〃
　I　almost　smiled；　but　not　like　it　was　funny。　〃Give　me　the　flashlight；　please；　Richard。　I　can't　explain　this　to　you。〃
　〃Does　your　Nimir…Raj　understand　it？〃　The　anger　burned　along　my　skin；　like　a　swarm　of　stings。　It　damn　near　hurt。
　I　frowned　at　him。　〃Ask　him　yourself；　now　give　me　the　damn　flashlight。〃　If　you　get　angry　at　me；　it　never　takes　me　long　to　respond。
　〃I　want　to　be　your　Ulfric；　Anita；　your　guy；　whatever　the　hell　that　means。　Why　won't　you　let　me　be　。。。　？〃　He　stopped　talking；　looking　away　from　me。
　〃The　man。　Was　that　what　you　were　going　to　say？〃
　He　looked　back　at　me　and　nodded。
　〃Look；　if　we　keep　dating；　or　whatever　the　hell　we're　going　to　do；　we　have　to　get　one　thing　straight。　Your　ego　is　no　longer　my　problem。　Don't　be　the　man　for　me；　Richard；　be　the　person　I　need。　You　don't　have　to　be　bigger　and　braver　than　I　am　to　be　my　man。　I've　got　male　friends　that　spend　most　of　their　time　trying　to　prove　they　have　bigger；　brassier　balls　than　I　do。　I　don't　need　that　from　you。〃
　〃What　if　I　need　to　be　braver　than　you　for　myself；　not　for　you？〃
　I　thought　about　that　for　a　second　or　two；　then　said；　〃You're　not　afraid　of　going　down　into　the　oubliette；　are　you？〃
　〃I　don't　want　to　go　down；　and　I　don't　want　to　see　what　they've　done　to　Gregory；　but　I'm　not　as　afraid　as　you　are；　no。〃
　〃Then　it　doesn't　make　you　braver　than　me　to　go　down　into　the　hole；　does