lh.narcissusinchains-第88部分

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knew。　I　valued　that　little　girl　smile　from　her；　because　I　saw　it　so　rarely。
　I　walked　the　few　feet　to　the　two　men。　Stephen　was　still　kneeling；　his　brother　huddled　against　him。　He　watched　me　with　cautious　eyes。　He　was　rubbing　his　hand　on　Gregory's　bare　back　over　and　over　in　small　circles；　the　way　you　stroke　a　sick　child　when　they　want　some　touch　to　let　them　know　they're　going　to　be　alright。　Looking　into　Stephen's　eyes；　I　knew　he　didn't　believe　that。　He　didn't　believe　Gregory　would　be　alright；　and　it　terrified　him。
　I　knelt　beside　them　and　was　almost　the　same　height　as　Stephen。　I　met　that　pale　gaze；　that　demand；　and　said；　〃I'm　going　to　try　and　heal　him。〃
　It　was　Caleb　who　said；　〃If　Micah　couldn't　heal　him；　why　do　you　think　you　can？〃
　I　didn't　even　bother　glancing　back　at　him。　〃It　doesn't　hurt　to　try。〃
　〃You　haven't　seen　your　first　full　moon；〃　Merle　said。　〃You　can't　call　flesh　and　heal　him；　not　yet；　maybe　not　ever。　Calling　flesh　to　heal　is　a　rare　talent。〃
　I　did　look　at　Merle。　〃I'm　not　going　to　call　flesh；　I'm　not　even　sure　how　that　works。〃
　〃Then　how　will　you　heal　him？〃　Merle　asked。
　〃With　the　munin。〃
　〃How　will　a　werewolf　ghost　help　you　heal　a　wereleopard？〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃I've　healed　the　leopards　before　using　the　munin。〃
　〃You've　healed　Nathaniel；〃　Cherry　said；　〃twice；　but　no　one　else。〃
　〃If　it　works　for　one　of　you；　it　should　work　for　all　of　you；〃　I　said。
　Cherry　was　frowning。
　〃What's　wrong？〃
　〃You　heal　with　Raina；　everything　was　sex　with　her；　and　you　want　Nathaniel　in　that　way。　You've　never　been　attracted　to　Gregory。〃
　I　shrugged。　She　was　pretty　much　voicing　the　same　doubts　that　I　had；　but　hearing　them　out　loud　made　them　sound　worse。　I　felt　more　doubtful　that　I　could　do　it　and　more　slutty　because　I　needed　sexual　attraction　to　heal。　But　I　was　getting　over　the　slutty　feeling。　If　I　could　save　both　Gregory's　hearing　and　his　life；　a　little　embarrassment　wasn't　too　high　a　price　to　pay。
　I　looked　down　at　Gregory；　still　huddled　in　a　tight　fetal　ball　around　Stephen's　lap　and　waist。　He　held　on　as　if　his　brother　were　the　last　solid　thing　in　the　universe；　as　if；　if　he　let　go　he'd　swirl　away　and　be　lost。
　I　touched　his　hair；　lightly；　and　he　moved　his　face　so　that　he　could　see　me　through　a　tangle　of　pale　curls。　I　swept　the　curls　away　from　his　face。　It　was　a　gesture　you　used　for　a　child。　I'd　hated　Gregory　once　because　of　some　things　he'd　done　when　Raina　and　Gabriel　were　still　alive。　But　the　moment　they　were　dead　and　he　knew　he　had　a　choice；　he'd　stopped　doing　most　of　them。　Had　he　made　me　Nimir…Ra　on　purpose？　Staring　into　his　wide　blue　eyes　I　didn't　believe　that。　It　wasn't　naivete；　it　was　a　surety　that　Gregory　just　wasn't　that　dominant。　To　decide；　even　in　a　split　second；　to　change　the　status　quo　that　profoundly　was　just　beyond　him。　He'd　debate；　or　ask　advice；　or　ask　permission；　but　he　wouldn't　make　a　unilateral　decision　without　some　feedback。　I　knew　this　about　Gregory。　Richard　didn't。
　I　touched　his　face；　cupping　it；　raising　it　so　he'd　meet　my　eyes　without　having　to　do　that　eye　roll　that　unnerved　me。　Just　too　subservient　for　my　taste。　I　stared　into　that　beautiful　face；　let　my　gaze　glide　over　the　fall　of　curls；　the　line　of　his　back；　the　curl　of　his　hip；　but　I　felt　nothing。　I　could　appreciate　his　beauty；　but　I　tried　very　hard　to　think　of　my　leopards　as　neuter。　You　can　be　someone's　friend　and　have　sex　with　them。　The　trick　is　you　have　to　want　their　emotional　and　physical　well…being　more　than　you　want　to　fuck　them。　If　you　cross　that　line　and　want　sex　more　than　their　happiness；　then　you　aren't　their　friend。　Their　lover　maybe；　but　not　their　friend。
　But　it　was　more　than　that。　Cherry　was　right；　Gregory　had　never　moved　me　in　that　way。　I　sighed　and　moved　my　hand　back　from　him。　〃What's　wrong？〃　Stephen　asked。
　〃He's　pretty　to　look　at；　but　。。。　〃
　Stephen　almost　smiled。　〃But　you　need　more　than　just　a　pretty　face　to　lust　after。〃
　I　shrugged。　〃Sometimes　my　life　would　be　simpler　if　I　didn't；　but　yeah。〃
　〃I　remember　I　had　to　talk　you　through　the　first　time　you　healed　Nathaniel；〃　he　said；　voice　soft。
　I　nodded。　〃I　remember　too。〃
　Gregory　sat　up；　watching　us　both；　trying　to　read　our　lips；　I　think。　There　was　something　frantic　about　the　way　he　tried　to　decipher　what　we　were　saying。　God；　please　let　me　help　him。　He　was　so　scared。
　〃I　think　of　him　more　like　a　child；　no　offense。〃
　〃You　think　more　like　a　parent　than　a　seducer；　that's　a　good　thing；〃　Stephen　said。　〃Don't　apologize　for　it。〃
　Cherry　joined　us；　kneeling　on　her　heels；　long　body　curved　in　graceful　lines。　〃You　called　Raina　in　the　lupanar　without　any　lust；　right？〃
　I　nodded。　〃I　can　call　Raina's　munin；　sometimes　even　if　I　don't　want　to；　but　she　always　demands　a　price　before　she　leaves。〃
　〃You　didn't　seduce　anyone　at　the　lupanar　tonight；〃　she　said。
　〃No；　but　I　damn　near　started　a　fight　by　hitting　Richard；　and　that　was　part　Raina's　doing。　She　enjoyed　my　loss　of　control；　and　。。。　and　she　was　worried　about　the　pack　tonight。　She　doesn't　like　what　Richard's　done。　I　think　she　toned　down　her　demands　because　of　that。〃
　〃And　she　doesn't　care　about　us　like　she　does　the　wolves。〃
　〃No；　she　doesn't。〃
　〃What　are　you　afraid　of？〃　Stephen　asked。　〃That　you'll　molest　Gregory？〃
　I　shook　my　head。　〃No；　I'm　afraid　Raina　will。〃
　〃You　healed　Nathaniel　in　the　woods　and　didn't　do　anything　awful　to　him；〃　Cherry　said。
　〃No；　but　I　had　Richard　and　the　pack　there　to　balance　me；　to　help　me　control　her　through　the　marks。　Without　extra　help　in　that　area；　Raina's　idea　of　payment　can　get　a　little　messy。〃
　〃Define　messy；〃　Stephen　said。
　〃Sex；　violence　　〃　I　shrugged　　〃messy。〃
　〃You　have　the　pard　here　now；〃　Cherry　said。　〃You　can　use　us　for　balance。〃
　Truth　was；　without　Micah　here　I　wasn't　sure　I　could　do　that。　Just　as　Richard　was　my　door　to　the　wolves；　Micah　was　my　door　to　the　leopards。　Or　was　he？　I　was　treating　this　like　I　treated　Richard　and　Jean…Claude；　like　I　was　the　outsider　and　they　were　my　ticket　in。　But　what　if　I　really　was　the　leopard　queen？　If　I　really　was　Nimir…Ra；　then　I　should　be　able　to　do　this　without　Micah。　I　realized　the　moment　I　doubted　that；　I　was　still　hoping　I　wasn't　going　to　be　furry　next　full　moon。　No　matter　how　much　evidence　to　the　contrary；　I　still　didn't　believe　it。　Maybe　I　didn't　want　to　believe　it。　But　I　wanted　to　heal　Gregory；　that　I　did　want。
　I　looked　at　them　all　and　knew　Cherry　was　right。　If　I　was　Nimir…Ra；　then　I　had　all　I　needed　to　balance　me。　If　I　wasn't　Nimir…Ra；　then　it　wouldn't　work。　What　did　we　have　to　lose？　I　looked　at　Stephen　and　Gregory；　their　mirror　faces；　their　frightened　eyes；　and　knew　exactly　what　we　had　to　lose　if　I　didn't　try。
　I　took　the　Uncle　Mike's　sidekick　holster　plete　with　Firestar　out　of　the　front　of　my　jeans　and　looked　around。　If　I　was　going　to　be　calling　on　the　leopards；　I　didn't　want　them　having　to　worry　about　the　gun。　I　motioned　Claudia　the　wererat　over。　Since　I　was　still　kneeling；　she　towered　over　me；　only　two　inches　shorter　than　Dolph。　I　had　to　admit　it　was　impressive；　even　more　so　because　she　was　a　woman。
　I　handed　the　holstered　gun　to　her；　and　she　took　it。　〃Make　sure　no　one　gets　shot　with　it。〃
　She　frowned　down　at　me。　〃You　think　someone　is　going　to　try　and　get　the　gun？〃
　〃Me；　maybe。〃
　The　frown　deepened。　〃I　don't　understand。〃
　〃Raina's　amused　by　violence。　I　don't　want　to　be　carrying　a　gun　when　I　call　her　munin。〃
　Claudia's　eyebrows　raised。　〃You　mean　she'd　try　to　get　you　to　use　it　on　some　one？〃
　I　nodded。
　〃She's　tried　before？〃
　I　nodded　again。　〃In　Tennessee　when　I　was　practicing　with　the　munin；　yeah。〃
　Claudia　shook　her　head。　〃You　didn't　seem　that　worried　at　the　lupanar。〃
　〃I　can　call　her　once　and　be　okay；　probably。　But　if　I　call　her　too　often；　too　close　together；　it's　like　she　grows　　〃　I　hesitated　　〃stronger；　or　maybe　I　just　get　tired　of　fighting。〃
　〃She　was　a　bitch　when　she　was　alive；〃　Claudia　said。
　〃Being　dead　hasn't　changed　her　much；〃　I　added。
　The　tall　woman　shivered。　〃I'm　glad　the　wererats　don't　have　anything　like　the　munin。　The　thought　of　some　entity　inside　me　just　creeps　me　out。〃
　〃Me　too；〃　I　said。
　She　looked　down　at　me；　thoughtful　now。　〃I'll　keep　the　gun　safe。　Is　there　anything　else　Igor　and　I　can　do　to　help？〃
　I　tried　to　think　of　something；　but　only　one　thing　cam