iancaldwell&dustinthomason.theruleoffour-第57部分

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s　in　my　leg。　Look　forward；　she　said。　Always　forward。　So　I　stared　at　the　green　of　the　walls。
　〃His　condition　is　stable；〃　says　the　man　in　the　scrubs。
　Stable；　I　think。　A　doctor's　word。　For　two　days　after　they　stopped　the　bleeding　in　my　leg；　I　was　stable。　It　just　meant　that　I　was　dying　less　quickly　than　before。
　〃Can　we　see　him？〃　Paul　asks。
　〃No；〃　the　man　says。　〃Charlie　is　still　unconscious。〃
　Paul　hesitates；　as　if　unconscious　and　stable　ought　to　be　mutually　exclusive。　〃Is　he　going　to　be　okay？〃
　The　doctor　es　up　with　a　look；　something　gentle　but　certain；　and　says；　〃I　think　the　worst　is　over。〃
　Paul　smiles　faintly　at　the　man；　then　thanks　him。　I　don't　tell　Paul　what　it　really　means。　In　the　emergency　room　they　are　washing　their　hands　and　mopping　the　floors；　waiting　for　the　next　gurney　off　the　ambulance。　The　worst　is　over；　for　the　doctors。　For　Charlie；　it's　just　begun。
　〃Thank　God；〃　Paul　says；　almost　to　himself。
　And　looking　at　him　now；　watching　the　way　relief　sets　over　his　face；　I　realize　something。　I　never　believed　that　Charlie　would　die　from　what　happened　down　there。　I　never　believed　that　he　could。
　Paul　doesn't　say　much　as　I　check　myself　out；　except　to　mumble　something　about　the　cruelty　of　what　Taft　said　to　me　at　his　office。　There's　hardly　any　paperwork　to　plete；　just　a　form　or　two　to　sign；　a　campus　ID　to　flash；　and　as　I　struggle　to　write　my　name　with　my　bad　hand；　I　sense　that　the　dean　has　been　here　already；　smoothing　out　the　wrinkles　in　advance。　I　wonder　again　what　she　told　the　detective　to　get　the　two　of　us　released。
　Then　I　remember　what　Gil　told　me。　〃Curry　was　here？〃
　〃He　left　just　before　you　got　out。　He　didn't　look　good。〃
　〃Why　not？〃
　〃He　was　wearing　the　same　suit　he　wore　last　night。〃
　〃He　knew　about　Bill？〃
　〃Yeah。　It　was　almost　like　he　thought　。　。　。〃　Paul　lets　the　thought　trail　off。　〃He　said；　'We　understand　each　other；　son。'　〃
　〃What　does　that　mean？〃
　〃I　don't　know。　I　think　he　was　forgiving　me。〃
　〃Forgiving　you？〃
　〃He　told　me　I　shouldn't　worry。　Everything　was　going　to　be　okay。〃
　I'm　floored。　〃How　could　he　think　you　would　do　that？　What　did　you　say？〃
　〃I　told　him　I　didn't　do　it。〃　Paul　hesitates。　〃I　didn't　know　what　else　to　say；　so　I　told　him　what　I　found。〃
　〃In　the　diary？〃
　〃It's　all　I　could　think　of。　He　seemed　so　worked　up。　He　said　he　couldn't　sleep；　he　was　so　worried。〃
　〃Worried　about　what？〃
　〃About　me。〃
　〃Look；〃　I　tell　him；　because　I'm　starting　to　hear　it　in　his　voice；　the　way　Curry　has　affected　him。　〃He　doesn't　know　what　he's　talking　about。〃
　〃　'If　I'd　known　what　you　were　going　to　do；　I　would've　done　things　differently。'　That's　the　last　thing　he　said。〃
　I　want　to　lay　into　Curry；　but　I　have　to　remind　myself　that　the　man　who　said　these　things　is　the　closest　thing　Paul　has　to　a　father。
　〃What　did　the　detective　say　to　you？〃　he　asks；　changing　the　subject。
　〃She　tried　to　scare　me。〃
　〃She　thought　the　same　thing　Richard　did？〃
　〃Yes。　Did　they　try　to　get　you　to　admit　to　it？〃
　〃The　dean　came　in　before　they　could　ask　and　told　me　not　to　answer　questions。〃
　〃What　are　you　going　to　do？〃
　〃She　said　I　should　find　a　lawyer。〃
　He　says　it　as　if　it　would　be　easier　to　find　a　basilisk　or　a　unicorn。
　〃We'll　figure　something　out；〃　I　tell　him。　After　I　finish　up　the　discharge　paperwork；　we　head　out。　There's　a　police　officer　stationed　near　the　entrance；　who　eyes　us　as　we　begin　walking　toward　him。　A　cold　wind　sets　over　us　the　second　we　step　from　the　building。
　We　begin　the　short　walk　back　to　campus　on　our　own。　The　streets　are　empty；　the　sky　is　dimming；　and　now　a　bicycle　passes　by　on　the　sidewalk；　carrying　a　delivery　man　from　a　pizza　shop。　He　leaves　a　trail　of　smells　behind　him；　a　cloud　of　yeast　and　steam；　and　as　the　wind　picks　up　again；　kicking　snow　into　the　air　like　dust；　my　stomach　rumbles；　a　reminder　that　we're　back　among　the　living。
　〃e　with　me　to　the　library；〃　Paul　says　as　we　approach　Nassau　Street。　〃I　want　to　show　you　something。〃
　He　stops　at　the　crosswalk。　Beyond　a　white　courtyard　is　Nassau　Hall。　I　think　of　pant　legs　flapping　from　the　cupola；　of　the　clapper　that　wasn't　there。
　〃Show　me　what？〃
　Paul's　hands　are　in　his　pockets；　and　he　walks　with　his　head　down；　fighting　the　wind。　We　pass　through　FitzRandolph　Gate；　not　looking　back。　You　can　walk　through　the　gate　into　campus　as　often　as　you　like；　the　legend　goes；　but　if　you　walk　out　of　it　just　once；　you　will　never　graduate。
　〃Vincent　told　me　never　to　trust　friends；〃　Paul　says。　〃He　said　friends　were　fickle。〃
　A　tour　guide　leads　a　small　group　across　our　path。　They　look　like　carolers。　Nathaniel　FitzRandolph　gave　the　land　to　build　Nassau　Hall；　the　tour　guide　says。　He　is　buried　where　Holder　Courtyard　now　stands。
　〃I　didn't　know　what　to　do　when　that　pipe　exploded。　I　didn't　realize　Charlie　only　went　into　the　tunnels　to　find　me。〃
　We　cross　toward　East　Pyne；　heading　for　the　library。　In　the　distance　sit　the　marble　halls　of　the　old　debating　societies。　Whig；　James　Madison's　club；　and　Cliosophic；　Aaron　Burr's。　The　tour　guide's　voice　carries　through　the　air　behind　us；　and　I　have　the　growing　sensation　that　I　am　a　visitor　here；　a　tourist；　that　I　have　been　walking　down　a　tunnel　in　the　dark　since　the　first　day　I　arrived　at　Princeton；　the　same　way　we　did　through　the　bowels　of　Holder　Courtyard；　surrounded　by　graves。
　〃Then　I　heard　you　go　after　him。　You　didn't　care　what　was　down　there。　You　just　knew　he　was　hurt。〃
　Paul　looks　at　me　for　the　first　time。
　〃I　could　hear　you　calling　for　help；　but　I　couldn't　see　anything。　I　was　too　scared　to　move。　All　I　could　think　was；　what　kind　of　friend　am　I？　I'm　the　fickle　friend。〃
　〃Paul；〃　I　say；　stopping　short。　〃You　don't　have　to　do　this。〃
　We're　in　the　courtyard　of　East　Pyne；　a　building　shaped　like　a　cloister；　where　snow　falls　through　the　open　quad　in　the　middle。　My　father　has　returned　to　me　unexpectedly；　like　a　shadow　on　the　walls；　because　I　realize　he　walked　these　paths　before　I　was　born；　and　saw　these　same　buildings。　I　am　walking　in　his　footsteps　without　even　knowing　it；　because　neither　of　us　has　made　the　faintest　impression　on　this　place。
　Paul　turns；　seeing　me　stop；　and　for　a　second　we　are　the　only　living　things　between　these　stone　walls。
　〃Yes；　I　do；〃　he　says；　turning　toward　me。　〃Because　when　I　tell　you　what　I　found　in　the　diary；　everything　else　is　going　to　seem　small。　And　everything　else　isn't　small。〃
　〃Just　tell　me　if　it's　as　big　as　we　hoped。〃
　Because　if　it　is；　then　at　least　the　shadow　my　father　cast　was　a　long　one。
　Look　forward；　the　physical　therapist　says　between　my　ears。　Always　forward。　But　now；　as　then；　I'm　surrounded　by　walls。
　〃Yes；〃　Paul　says；　knowing　exactly　what　I　mean。　〃It　is。〃
　There's　a　spark　in　his　face　that　brings　those　three　words　home；　and　I　am　blown　back　again；　struck　by　the　very　sensation　I'd　hoped　to　find。　It's　as　if　my　father　has　pulled　through　something　unthinkable；　as　if　he　has　e　back　and　been　rehabilitated　in　a　single　stroke。
　I　don't　know　what　Paul　is　about　to　tell　me；　but　the　idea　that　it　could　be　bigger　than　I　imagined　is　enough　to　give　me　a　feeling　that's　been　missing　for　longer　than　I　knew。　It　makes　me　look　forward　again　and　actually　see　something　in　front　of　me；　something　other　than　a　wall。　It　makes　me　feel　hope。
　
　Chapter　21
　
　On　the　way　to　Firestone　we　pass　Carrie　Shaw；　a　junior　I　recognize　from　an　English　class　last　year；　who　crosses　in　front　of　us　and　says　hi。　She　and　I　traded　glances　across　the　seminar　table　for　weeks　before　I　met　Katie。　I　wonder　how　much　has　changed　for　her　since　then。　I　wonder　if　she　can　see　how　much　has　changed　for　me。
　〃It　seems　like　such　an　accident　that　I　got　sucked　into　the　Hypnerotomachia；〃　Paul　says　as　we　continue　heading　east　toward　the　library。　〃Everything　was　so　indirect；　so　coincidental。　The　same　way　it　was　for　your　dad。〃
　〃Meeting　McBee；　you　mean。〃
　〃And　Richard。　What　if　they'd　never　known　each　other？　What　if　they'd　never　taken　that　class　together？　What　if　I'd　never　picked　up　your　dad's　book？〃
　〃We　wouldn't　be　standing　here。〃
　He　takes　it　as　a　throwaway　at　first；　then　realizes　what　I　mean。　Without　Curry　and　McBee　and　The　Belladonna　Document；　Paul　and　I　would　never　have　met。　We　would've　crossed　paths　on　campus　the　same　way　Carrie　and　I　just　did；　saying　hello；　wondering　where　we'd　seen