pzb.lostsouls-第24部分

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drinking　turned　him　rough　and　seemed　to　make　his　bones　sharper。　Ann　woke　with　gnawed　nipples；　bruised　hipbones；　a　throbbing　ache　in　her　crotch　that　turned　to　raw　agony　when　she　pissed。　It　was　only　good　for　an　argument　if　she　mentioned　it；　and　she　still　desired　him；　so　after　a　while　she　shut　up。
　　And　when　she　was　honest　with　herself；　she　knew　the　rough　sex　wasn't　the　only　thing　that　had　driven　her　away。　It　was　the　music　as　well。　Steve　had　already　started　playing　guitar　when　she　met　him；　and　at　the　time　she　had　liked　the　idea　of　having　a　musician　for　a　boyfriend。　She　was　happy　for　him　when　he　started　getting　good　and　excited　when　he；　Ghost；　and　R。J。　decided　to　form　a　band。　R。J。　had　never　wanted　it　as　badly　as　the　other　two…he'd　always　been　a　serious　kid；　and　Ann　thought　music　was　just　too　frivolous　a　calling　for　him…and　had　dropped　out　early；　but　he　still　sat　in　with　them　sometimes。
　　All　that　had　been　fine。　But　when　it　got　too　heavy；　when　it　started　to　appear　that　Steve　and　Ghost　wanted　to　make　Lost　Souls？　their　life's　work；　Ann　balked。　She　didn't　want　to　he　a　musician's　wife；　spending　months　alone　in　Missing　Mile　while　he　toured；　worrying　about　money　during　the　lean　years　and　groupies　during　the　good　ones。　When　they　had　started　recording　their　tape；　the　final　wedge　was　driven　in。　The　all…night　sessions；　the　hours　upon　hours　Steve　spent　in　Terry's　home　studio　talking　about　levels；　tracks；　spillage；　and　other　inprehensible　things　he　never　bothered　to　explain　to　his　lowly　girlfriend。　He　had　never　felt　so　intensely　about　her；　Ann　was　sure。
　　At　any　rate；　she　had　known　Eliot　would　make　a　gentler　lover　from　the　first　time　she　met　him。
　　At　first　Eliot　had　seemed　exotic：　twenty…nine　to　Ann's　twenty…one；　divorced；　with　a　real　job　as　a　junior…college　English　teacher　and　half　a　novel　sitting　on　his　desk。　He　was　a　regular　customer　at　the　Spanish　restaurant　where　she　waited　tables。　He　always　sat　in　Ann's　section　and　started　leaving　her　giant　tips。　Eventually　he　asked　her　out。　〃You　disturb　me；〃　he　had　told　her；　〃but　you　intrigue　me。〃
　　The　line　sounded　stupid　when　Ann　thought　about　it　later；　but　by　then　she　had　already　slept　with　him　and　had　mistaken　his　tentativeness　for　tenderness。　At　least　when　Eliot　went　down　on　her；　her　clitoris　didn't　feel　as　if　it　were　about　to　be　sucked　out　by　its　roots。　At　least　when　Eliot's　penis　（she　could　not　help　noticing　it　was　thinner　and　much　pointier　than　she　was　used　to）　was　inside　her；　it　didn't　feel　like　an　angry　fist　battering　her　cervix。　At　least　Eliot　waited　until　she　was　wet。　These　days；　such　things　were　luxuries。
　　Also；　Eliot　had　had　a　vasectomy。　He　was　very　proud　of　it　and　sometimes　wore　a　bright　orange　button　that　said　I　Got　Mine！　If　you　asked　him　about　it；　he　would　launch　into　a　speech　about　how　None　of　Us　Have　the　Right　to　Bring　More　Children　into　This　Cruel；　Overpopulated　World。　Ann　didn't　care　for　the　button　or　the　speech；　but　it　was　nice　being　able　to　go　off　the　pill。　Her　sleep　patterns　and　her　depression　patterns　were　so　erratic　that　she　had　been　forgetting　as　many　as　she　remembered。
　　So　it　didn't　matter　when　she　read　the　half　a　novel　and　couldn't　think　of　anything　to　say　about　it。　It　was　a　study　of　a　rural　family　in　Virginia。　It　was　Tough　and　Gritty；　but　Sensitive。　The　hero　turned　out　to　he　the　youngest　son；　Edward；　who　went　to　the　University　and　became　a　teacher　of　English。　Edward　was　also　the　only　character　who　didn't　talk　in　dialect　…Eliot　had　written　his　doctoral　thesis　on　William　Faulkner；　and　had　never　really　gotten　over　it。　It　didn't　matter　that　Eliot　talked　sneeringly　of　her　〃redneck　boyfriend〃…whom　he　had　never　met　and　never　would…and　derived　a　perverse　glee　from　hearing　that　Steve　was　a　college　dropout。　It　didn't　even　matter　that　underneath　all　her　self…righteousness　she　felt　like　the　lowest　kind　of　lying；　betraying　bitch。　None　of　these　things　mattered　to　her　in　the　slightest。
　　Until　Steve　found　out。
　　Ghost　knew　about　it　first；　of　course。　He　had　always　been　able　to　see　inside　her　head；　the　way　he　could　see　inside　Steve's　head　and　almost　anyone　else's　if　he　chose　to。　Ann　had　seen　Ghost　looking　at　her　strangely；　then　looking　away　when　she　stared　back　at　him。　He　would　not　question　her　or　accuse　her；　but　she　knew　he　knew。
　　She　had　let　herself　into　their　house　one　day　while　Steve　was　at　work。　She　stood　in　the　doorway　of　Ghost's　room；　watching　him　write　something　in　a　spiral　notebook。　When　he　finally　looked　up；　he　didn't　seem　surprised　to　see　her。　His　pale　blue　eyes　had　been　calm　but　guarded。
　　〃Are　you　going　to　tell　him？〃　she　said。
　　For　a　long　moment　Ghost　only　looked　at　her；　and　she　didn't　think　he　would　answer　at　all。　Then　he　lifted　one　shoulder　in　a　tiny　shrug　and　shook　his　head　no…but　in　those　small　movements　Ann　saw　what　pain　it　was　causing　him　to　keep　such　an　ugly　secret　from　Steve。　All　the　guilt　and　the　sorrow　washed　over　her　then；　and　she　fell　on　Ghost's　bed；　buried　her　face　in　his　musty…rose…scented　heap　of　blankets；　and　sobbed　out　the　whole　sordid　tale。　Ghost　patted　her　back　and　stroked　her　sweaty　hair；　and　all　the　time　she　knew　she　was　telling　him　things　he　didn't　want　to　hear。　But　he　listened　anyway；　because　he　was　Ghost。　Because　he　was　good。
　　And　of　course　Steve　found　out　anyway。　Whether　he　sneaked　into　her　room　and　found　her　carefully　hidden　journal；　or　whether　the　unspoken　munication　between　him　and　Ghost　was　so　strong　that　he　picked　it　up　without　Ghost　having　to　say　anything；　Ann　never　found　out。　Everything　happened　so　fast。　Steve　came　over　one　night　when　her　father　was　out；　and　he　knew。　He　didn't　e　right　out　with　it；　though。　He　walked　around　the　edges　of　it；　he　was　manic；　almost　raving；　then　sullen。　She　could　see　in　his　eyes　that　he　hated　her。
　　〃All　right！〃　she　shrieked　finally。　〃All　right！　I　fucked　somebody　else　and　I　liked　it！　He's　a　better　lover　than　you。　He's　smarter　than　you。　He's　not　a　goddamn　drunk…〃
　　She　was　just　getting　warmed　up　when　his　hand　flashed　out　and　slapped　her　hard　across　the　face。
　　The　blow　had　enough　force　behind　it　to　throw　her　backward　onto　her　bed。　She　lay　there　for　a　moment；　her　heart　and　mind　stunned。　Steve　had　never　hit　her。　No　one　but　her　father　had　ever　hit　her。　Her　cheek　and　jaw　went　numb；　then　began　to　tingle。　Steve　would　beg　her　forgiveness；　surely。　But　he　stood　over　her；　his　dark　eyes　blazing；　and　when　she　tried　to　struggle　up　he　planted　the　sole　of　his　boot　square　in　her　crotch　and　shoved　hard。　A　lick　of　pain　shot　through　her。
　　〃You　cunt；〃　Steve　said。　His　voice　was　quiet；　inflectionless。　〃I　know　how　to　make　sure　you　won't　do　any　more　fucking　around　for　a　while。〃
　　And　Steve's　hands　went　to　his　belt　buckle。
　　Ann　threw　herself　back　against　the　wall。　Suddenly　Steve　was　on　the　bed　with　her；　pinning　her　there；　trapping　her。　She　thrashed　against　him　and　felt　him　getting　hard。　Seeing　him　excited　by　her　terror　scared　her　worse；　made　her　limp。　She　kept　trying　to　push　him　away；　but　she　was　weak　now；　and　he　was　so　strong。
　　He　yanked　her　skirt　up；　thrust　two　guitar…callused　fingers　into　her　vagina。　They　were　dry　and　felt　as　if　they　would　tear　her　open。　Now　he　had　her　hips　pinned　beneath　his。　His　jeans　were　down　around　his　knees。　His　cock　was　shoving　at　her；　battering　into　her。　She　felt　it　thrusting　through　her　dryness　up　into　the　unwilling　heart　of　her　womb；　and　most　of　her　did　not　want　it　there…but　it　was　Steve；　and　he　had　always　fit　inside　her　so　damn　well；　and　almost　before　she　realized　it　she　was　ing。　ing　against　her　will；　ing　in　pain　and　humiliation；　but　ing　hard　nonetheless。
　　Steve　mistook　the　throes　of　her　orgasm　for　struggles　and　thrust　her　arms　back　against　the　mattress。　His　big　hands　were　like　vises　around　her　wrists。　Ann　felt　delicate　bones　grinding　together；　in　a　moment　she　thought　they　might　snap。　She　threw　her　head　to　the　side　and　sank　her　teeth　into　the　ball　of　his　thumb　until　she　tasted　blood。　Now　he　was　pounding　into　her　so　hard　that　he　didn't　seem　to　notice　the　pain…but　his　grip　loosened　a　little；　and　then　he　was　shuddering　to　his　own　violent　orgasm；　and　the　rape　was　over。
　　〃There；〃　he　breathed；　lifting　his　head　to　stare　into　her　stricken　face。　〃There。　See　how　you　like　fucking　your　new　boyfriend　now。〃
　　After　he　had　stormed　out　and　roared　away　in　his　c