hr.thecarpetbaggers-第150部分

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　〃No；〃　she　said　flatly。　She　knew　what　she　had　to　do。　She　turned　and　walked　into　the　living　room；　switching　on　the　light。　He　followed　her　curiously。
　She　turned；　slipping　the　ring　from　her　finger；　and　held　it　out　to　him。　He　looked　at　it；　then　at　her。　〃Why？〃　he　asked。　〃Is　it　because　of　anything　I　did　tonight？〃
　She　shook　her　head。　〃No；〃　she　said　quickly。　〃It　has　nothing　to　do　with　you　at　all。　Just　take　the　ring；　please。〃
　〃I'm　entitled　to　know　why；　Jennie。〃
　〃I　don't　love　you；〃　she　said。　〃Is　that　reason　enough？〃
　〃Not　now　it　isn't。〃
　〃Then　I　have　a　better　reason；〃　she　said　tightly。　〃Before　I　made　that　screen　test；　I　was　the　highest…priced　whore　in　Hollywood。〃
　He　stared　at　her　for　a　moment。　〃I　don't　believe　you；〃　he　said　slowly。　〃You　couldn't　have　fooled　me。〃
　〃You're　a　fool；〃　she　said　sharply。　〃If　you　don't　believe　me；　ask　Bonner　or　any　of　the　other　four　men　at　the　table　who　laid　me。　Or　any　of　a　dozen　other　men　I　saw　in　the　restaurant　tonight。〃
　〃I　still　don't　believe　you；〃　he　said　in　a　low　voice。
　She　laughed。　〃Then　ask　Bonner　why　Pierce　gave　me　that　present。　There　wasn't　any　mix…up；　he　meant　the　razors　for　me。　The　story　was　all　over　Hollywood；　the　morning　after　Bonner　left　here。　How　I　shaved　all　the　hair　off　his　body；　then　blew　him　in　a　bathtub　filled　with　champagne。〃
　He　began　to　look　sick。
　〃And　why　do　you　think　I　asked　you　to　let　me　do　Aphrodite？〃　she　continued。　〃Not　because　I　thought　it　was　any　good。　It　was　to　pay　Pierce　off　for　this。〃　She　walked　quickly　to　the　desk　and　took　out　two　small　reels　of　film。　She　spun　one　out　at　him；　the　film　unwinding　from　the　reel　like　a　roll　of　confetti。　〃My　first　starring　role；〃　she　said　sarcastically。　〃A　pornographic　picture。〃
　She　took　a　cigarette　from　the　box　on　the　desk　and　lit　it。　She　turned　back　to　him。　Her　voice　was　quieter　now。　〃Or　maybe　you're　the　kind　of　man　who　enjoys　being　married　to　that　kind　of　woman；　so　that　every　time　you　meet　another　man；　you　can　wonder。　Did　he　or　didn't　he？　When；　where　and　how？〃
　He　took　a　step　toward　her。　〃That's　over　now。　It　doesn't　matter。〃
　〃It　doesn't？　Just　because　I　was　a　fool　for　a　moment；　you　don't　have　to　be。　How　much　of　tonight　do　you　think　you'd　have　been　able　to　take　if　you'd　known　what　you　know　now？〃
　〃But　I　love　you！〃
　〃You　even　kid　yourself　about　that。　You　don't　love　me。　You　never　have。　You're　in　love　with　a　memory。　The　memory　of　a　girl　who　preferred　your　father　to　you。　The　first　chance　you　had；　you　tried　to　make　me　over　in　her　image。　Even　in　bed　…　the　things　you　wanted　me　to　do。　Did　you　really　think　I　was　so　naive　I　didn't　know　those　were　the　things　she　did　to　you？〃
　The　ring　was　still　in　her　hand。　She　put　it　on　the　table　in　front　of　him。　〃Here；〃　she　said。
　He　stared　down　at　the　ring。　The　diamond　seemed　to　shoot　angry　sparks　at　him。　He　looked　up　at　her；　his　face　lined　and　drawn。　〃Keep　it；〃　he　said　curtly　and　walked　out。
　She　stood　there　until　she　heard　his　car　pull　out　of　the　driveway。　Then　she　turned　out　the　light　and　walked　upstairs；　leaving　the　ring　on　the　table　and　the　film；　like　confetti　after　a　party；　on　the　floor。
　
　She　lay　wide…eyed　on　her　bed　staring　up　into　the　night。　If　she　could　only　cry　she　would　feel　better。　But　she　was　empty　inside；　eaten　away　by　her　sins。　There　was　nothing　left　for　her　to　give　anyone。　She　had　used　up　her　ration　of　love。
　Once；　long　ago；　she　had　loved　and　been　loved。　But　Tom　Denton　was　dead；　lost　forever；　beyond　recall。
　She　cried　out　into　the　darkness；　〃Daddy；　help　me！　Please！　I　don't　know　what　to　do。〃
　If　she　could　only　go　back　and　begin　again。　Back　to　the　familiar　Sunday　smell　of　corned　beef　and　cabbage；　to　the　gentle　sound　of　a　whispered　morning　Mass　in　her　ears；　to　the　sisters　and　the　hospital；　to　the　inner　satisfaction　of　being　a　part　of　God's　work。
　Then　her　father's　voice　came　whispering　to　her　out　of　the　gray　light　of　the　morning；　〃Do　you　really　want　to　go；　Jennie　Bear？〃
　She　lay　very　still　for　a　moment　thinking；　remembering。　Was　that　time　forever　gone？　If　she　were　to　withhold　from　confession　that　part　of　her　life　which　no　longer　seemed　to　belong　to　her　it　need　not　be。　They　would　not　know。　It　was　her　one　real　transgression。　The　rest　of　her　life　they　already　knew　about。
　To　do　so　would　be　a　sin。　A　sin　of　omission。　It　would　invalidate　any　future　confession　that　she　might　make。　But　she　had　so　much　to　give　and　without　giving　it　she　was　denying　not　only　herself　but　others　who　would　have　need　of　her　help。　Which　was　the　greater　sin？　For　a　moment　she　was　frightened；　then　decided　that　this　was　a　matter　between　her　and　her　Maker。　The　decision　was　hers；　and　she　alone　could　be　held　responsible；　both　now　and　at　any　future　time。
　Suddenly　she　made　her　mind　up　and　she　was　no　longer　afraid。
　〃Yes；　Daddy；〃　she　whispered。
　His　soft　voice　came　echoing　back　on　the　wind。　〃Then　get　dressed；　Jennie；　and　I'll　go　with　you。〃
　
　16
　
　IT　WAS　ALMOST　TWO　YEARS　FROM　THE　NIGHT　OF　THE　PARTY　BEFORE　ROSA　HEARD　FROM　JENNIE　AGAIN。　It　was　almost　six　months　from　the　time　she　received　the　dreaded　impersonal　message　from　the　War　Department　that　David　had　been　killed　at　the　Anzio　beachhead　in　May　of　1944。
　No　more　dreams；　no　more　big　deals；　no　more　struggles　and　plans　to　build　a　giant　monument　of　incorporation　that　would　span　the　earth；　linked　by　thin　and　gossamer　strands　of　celluloid。　They　had　e　to　a　final　stop　for　him；　just　as　they　had　for　a　thousand　others；　in　the　crashing；　thundering　fire　of　an　early　Italian　morning。
　The　dreams　had　stopped　for　her；　too。　The　whisper　of　love　in　the　night；　the　creaking　of　the　floor　beneath　the　footsteps　on　the　other　side　of　the　bed；　the　excitement　and　warmth　of　shared　confidences　and　plans　for　tomorrow。
　For　once；　Rosa　was　grateful　for　her　work。　It　used　her　mind　and　taxed　her　energy　and　consumed　her　with　the　day…to…day　responsibilities。　In　　time；　the　hurt　was　pushed　back　into　the　corner　recesses　of　her　mind；　to　be　felt　only　when　she　was　alone。
　Then；　bit　by　bit；　the　understanding　came　to　her；　as　it　always　must　to　the　survivors；　that　only　a　part　of　the　dreams　had　been　buried　with　him。　His　son　was　growing　and　one　day；　as　she　saw　him　running　across　the　green　lawn　in　the　front　of　their　home；　she　heard　the　birds　begin　to　sing　again。　She　looked　up　at　the　blue　sky；　at　the　white　sun　above　her　head；　and　knew　that　once　again　she　was　a　living；　breathing　human　being　with　the　full；　rich　blood　of　life　in　her　body。　And　the　guilt　that　had　been　in　her；　because　she　had　remained　while　he　had　gone；　disappeared。
　It　all　happened　that　day　after　she　read　Jennie's　letter。　It　was　addressed　to　her　in　a　small；　feminine　script　that　she　did　not　recognize。　At　first；　she　thought　it　another　solicitation　when　she　saw　the　imprimatur　on　the　letterhead。
　
　？
　
　Sisters　of　Mercy
Burlingame；　California
　October　10；　1944
　DEAR　ROSA；
　It　is　with　some　trepidation　and　yet　with　the　knowledge　that　you　will　respect　my　confidence　that　I　take　my　pen　in　hand　to　write。　I　do　not　seek　to　reopen　wounds　which　by　this　time　have　already　partly　healed　but　it　is　only　a　few　days　ago　that　I　learned　of　your　loss　and　wanted　to　extend　to　you　and　little　Bernie　my　sympathy　and　prayers。
　David　was　a　fine　man　and　a　genuinely　kind　human　being。　All　of　us　who　knew　him　will　miss　him。　I　mention　him　in　my　prayers　each　day　and　I　am　forted　by　the　words　of　Our　Lord　and　Saviour：　〃I　am　the　resurrection　and　the　life；　he　who　believes　in　me；　even　if　he　die；　shall　live；　and　whoever　lives　and　believes　in　me　shall　never　die。〃
　Sincerely　yours　in　J。　C。
　SISTER　M。　THOMAS
　（JENNIE　DENTON）
　
　It　was　then；　when　Rosa　went　outside　to　call　her　son　in　from　his　play；　that　she　heard　the　birds　singing。　The　next　weekend；　she　drove　to　Burlingame　to　visit　Jennie。
　There　were　tiny　white　puffballs　of　clouds　in　the　blue　sky　as　Rosa　turned　her　car　into　the　wide　driveway　that　led　to　the　Mother　House。　It　was　a　Saturday　afternoon　and　there　were　many　automobiles　parked　there　already。　She　pulled　into　an　open　space　some　distance　from　the　sprawling　building。
　She　sat　in　the　car　and　lit　a　cigarette。　She　felt　a　doubt　creeping　through　her。　Perhaps　she　shouldn't　have　e。　Jennie　might　not　want　to　see　her；　wouldn't　want　to　be　reminded　of　that　world　she'd　left　behind。　It　was　pure　impulse　that　she　had　followed　in　driv