hr.thecarpetbaggers-第157部分

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


chute　when　I　crashed　in　a　heap　on　the　wing。
　I　pulled　myself　to　my　feet　and　tried　to　climb　back　the　cabin　wall　to　the　port。　〃e　on　out　of　there；　you　no…good；　dirty　son　of　a　bitch！〃　I　yelled。　I　was　crying。　〃e　on　outa　there　and　I'll　kill　you！〃
　Then　the　plane　lurched　and　a　broken　piece　of　something　came　flying　up　from　the　wing　and　hit　me　in　the　side；　knocking　me　clear　out　into　the　water。　I　heard　the　soft　hiss　of　pressed　air　as　the　Mae　West　began　to　wrap　her　legs　around　me。　I　put　my　head　down　on　those　big　soft　pillows　she　had　and　went　to　sleep。
　
　5
　
　IN　NEVADA；　WHERE　I　WAS　BORN　AND　RAISED；　THERE　IS　MOSTLY　SAND　AND　ROCKS　AND　A　FEW　SMALL　MOUNTAINS。　But　there　are　no　oceans。　There　are　streams　and　lakes；　and　swimming　pools　at　every　country　club　and　hotel；　but　they're　all　filled　with　fresh；　sweet　water　that　bubbles　in　your　mouth　like　wine；　if　you　should　happen　to　drink　it　instead　of　bathe　in　it。
　I've　been　in　a　couple　of　oceans　in　my　time。　In　the　Atlantic；　off　Miami　Beach　and　Atlantic　City；　in　the　Pacific；　off　Malibu；　and　in　the　blue　waters　of　the　Mediterranean；　off　the　Riviera。　I've　even　been　in　the　warm　waters　of　the　Gulf　Stream；　off　the　white；　sandy　beach　of　Bermuda；　chasing　a　naked　girl　whose　only　ambition　was　to　do　it　like　a　fish。　I　never　did　get　to　find　out　the　secret　of　how　the　porpoises　made　it；　because　somehow；　in　the　salt　water；　everything　eluded　me。　I　never　did　like　salt　water。　It　clings　too　heavily　to　your　skin；　burns　your　nose；　irritates　your　eyes。　And　if　you　happen　to　get　a　mouthful；　it　tastes　like　yesterday's　leftover　mouthwash。
　So　what　was　I　doing　here？
　Hot　damn；　little　man；　all　the　stars　are　out　and　laughing　at　you。　This'll　teach　you　some　respect　for　the　oceans。　You　don't　like　salt　water；　eh？　Well；　how　do　you　like　a　million；　billion；　trillion　gallons　of　it？　A　gazillion　gallons？
　〃Aah；　the　hell　with　you；〃　I　said　and　went　back　to　sleep。
　
　I　came　trotting　around　the　corner　of　the　bunkhouse　as　fast　as　my　eight…year…old　legs　could　carry　me；　dragging　the　heavy　cartridge　belt　and　holstered　gun　in　the　sand　behind　me。
　I　heard　my　father's　voice。　〃Hey；　boy！　What　have　you　got　there？〃
　I　turned　to　face　him；　trying　to　hide　the　belt　and　gun　behind　me。　〃Nothin'；〃　I　said；　not　looking　up　at　him。
　〃Nothing？〃　my　father　repeated　after　me。　〃Then；　let　me　see。〃
　He　reached　around　behind　me　and　tugged　the　belt　out　of　my　grip。　As　he　raised　it；　the　gun　and　a　folded　piece　of　paper　fell　from　the　holster。　He　bent　down　and　picked　them　up。　〃Where'd　you　get　this？〃
　〃From　the　wall　in　the　bunkhouse　near　Nevada's　bed；〃　I　said。　〃I　had　to　climb　up。〃
　My　father　put　the　gun　back　in　the　holster。　It　was　a　black　gun；　a　smooth；　black　gun　with　the　initials　M。　S。　on　its　black　butt。　Even　I　was　old　enough　to　know　that　somebody　had　made　a　mistake　on　Nevada's　initials。
　My　father　started　to　put　the　folded　piece　of　paper　back　into　the　holster　but　he　dropped　it　and　it　fluttered　open。　I　could　see　it　was　a　picture　of　Nevada；　with　some　numbers　above　it　and　printing　below。　My　father　stared　at　it　for　a　moment；　then　refolded　the　paper　and　shoved　it　into　the　holster。
　〃You　put　this　back　where　you　got　it；〃　he　said　angrily。　I　could　tell　he　was　mad。　〃Don't　you　ever　let　me　catch　you　taking　what　doesn't　belong　to　you　again　or　I'll　whomp　you　good。〃
　〃Ain't　no　need　to　whomp　'im；　Mr。　Cord。〃　Nevada's　voice　came　from　behind　us。　〃It's　my　fault　for　leavin'　it　out　where　the　boy　could　get　to　it。〃　We　turned　around。　He　was　standing　there；　his　Indian　face　dark　and　expressionless；　holding　out　his　hand。　〃If　you'll　jus'　give　it　to　me；　I'll　put　it　back。〃
　Silently　my　father　handed　him　the　gun　and　they　stood　there　looking　at　each　other。　Neither　of　them　spoke　a　word。　I　stared　up　at　them；　bewildered。　Both　seemed　to　be　searching　each　other's　eyes。　At　last；　Nevada　spoke。　〃I'll　draw　my　time　if　you　want；　Mr。　Cord。〃
　I　knew　what　that　meant。　Nevada　was　going　away。　Immediately；　I　set　up　a　howl。　〃No；〃　I　screamed。　〃I　won't　do　it　again。　I　promise。〃
　My　father　looked　down　at　me　for　a　moment；　then　back　at　Nevada。　A　faint　smile　came　into　his　eyes。　〃Children　and　animals；　they　really　know　what　they　want；　what's　best　for　them。〃
　〃They　do　say　that。〃
　〃You　better　put　that　away　where　nobody'll　ever　find　it。〃
　The　faint　smile　was　in　Nevada's　eyes　now。　〃Yes；　Mr。　Cord。　I　sure　will。〃
　My　father　looked　down　at　me　and　his　smile　vanished。　〃You　hear　me；　boy？　Touch　what　isn't　yours　and　you'll　get　whomped　good。〃
　〃Yes；　Father；〃　I　answered；　loud　and　strong。　〃I　hear　you。〃
　
　I　got　a　mouthful　of　salt　water　and　I　coughed　and　choked　and　sputtered　and　spit　it　out。　I　opened　my　eyes。　The　stars　were　still　blinking　at　me　but　over　in　the　east；　the　sky　was　starting　to　turn　pale。　I　thought　I　heard　the　sound　of　a　motor　in　the　distance　but　it　was　probably　only　an　echo　ringing　in　my　ears。
　There　was　a　pain　in　my　side　and　down　my　leg；　like　I'd　gone　to　sleep　on　it。　When　I　moved；　it　shot　up　to　my　head　and　made　me　dizzy。　The　stars　began　to　spin　around　and　I　got　tired　just　watching　them；　so　I　went　back　to　sleep。
　
　The　sun　on　the　desert　is　big　and　strong　and　rides　the　sky　so　close　to　your　head　that　sometimes　you　feel　like　if　you　reached　up　to　touch　it；　you'd　burn　your　fingers。　And　when　it's　hot　like　that；　you　pick　your　way　carefully　around　the　rocks；　because　under　them；　in　the　shade；　sleeping　away　the　heat　of　the　day；　are　the　rattlers；　coiled　and　sluggish；　with　the　unhappy　heat　in　their　chilled　blood。　They're　quick　to　anger；　quick　to　attack；　with　their　vicious　spittle；　if　by　accident　you　threaten　their　peace。　People　are　like　that；　too。
　Each　of　us　has　his　own　particular　secret　rock；　under　which　we　hide；　and　woe　to　you　if　you　should　happen　to　stumble　across　it。　Because　then　we're　like　the　rattlers　on　the　desert；　lashing　out　blindly　at　whoever　happens　to　e　by。
　〃But　I　love　you；〃　I　said　and　even　as　I　said　them；　I　knew　the　hollowness　of　my　words。
　And　she　must　have　known；　too；　for　in　her　scathing　self…denunciation；　she　was　accusing　me　with　the　sins　of　all　the　men　she'd　known。　And　not　unjustly；　for　they　were　also　my　sins。
　〃But　I　love　you；〃　I　repeated　and　as　I　said　it；　I　knew　she　recognized　the　weakness　in　my　words。　They　turned　empty　and　hollow　in　my　mouth。　If　I　had　been　honest；　even　unto　my　secret　self；　this　is　what　I　would　have　said；　〃I　want　you。　I　want　you　to　be　what　I　want　you　to　be。　A　reflection　of　the　image　of　my　dreams；　the　mirror　of　my　secret　desires；　the　face　that　I　desire　to　show　the　world；　the　brocade　with　which　I　embroider　my　glory。　If　you　are　all　these　things；　I　will　grace　you　with　my　presence　and　my　house。　But　these　are　not　for　what　you　are；　but　for　me　and　what　I　want　you　to　be。〃
　And　I　did　little　but　stand　there；　mumbling　empty　platitudes；　while　the　words　that　spilled　from　her　mouth　were　merely　my　own　poison；　which　she　turned　into　herself。　For　unknowing；　she　had　stumbled　across　my　secret　rock。
　I　stood　there　in　the　unaccustomed　heat　and　blazing　brightness　of　the　sun；　secretly　ashamed　of　the　cool　chill　of　the　blood　that　ran　through　my　veins　and　set　me　apart　from　the　others　of　this　earth。　And　unprotesting；　I　let　her　use　my　venom　to　destroy　herself。
　And　when　the　poison　had　done　its　work；　leaving　her　with　nothing　but　the　small；　frightened；　unshrivened　soul　of　her　beginnings；　I　turned　away。
　With　the　lack　of　mercy　peculiar　to　my　kind；　I　turned　my　back。　I　ran　from　her　fears；　from　her　need　of　fort　and　reassurance；　from　her　unspoken　pleading　for　mercy　and　love　and　understanding。　I　fled　the　hot　sun；　back　to　the　safety　of　my　secret　rock。
　But　now　there　was　no　longer　fort　in　its　secret　shade；　for　the　light　continued　to　seep　through；　and　there　was　no　longer　fort　in　the　cool　detached　flowing　of　my　blood。　And　the　rock　seemed　to　be　growing　smaller　and　smaller　while　the　sun　was　growing　larger　and　larger。　I　tried　to　make　myself　tinier；　to　find　shelter　beneath　the　rock's　shrinking　surface；　but　there　was　no　escape。　Soon　there　would　be　no　secret　rock　for　me。　The　sun　was　growing　brighter　and　brighter。　Brighter　and　brighter。
　I　opened　my　eyes。
　There　was　a　tiny　pinpoint　of　light　shining　straight　into　them。　I　blinked　and　the　penetrating　pinpoint　moved　to　one　side。　I　could　see　beyond　it　now。　I　was　lying　on　a　table　in　a　white　room　and　beside　me　was　a　man　in　a　white　gown　and　a　w