rh.royalassassin-第109部分
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〃I could help you set it to rights；〃 I offered quietly。
He shook his head tightly； quickly twice。 〃I think not；〃 he said。 Then he added in a more normal voice； 〃No offense intended。〃
〃None taken。〃
I bundled the cleansing herbs with the pot of salve and the leftover rags from my shirt。 He hopped off my clothes chest。 When I offered them to him； he took them gravely。 He walked to the door； stiffly despite his claims that they had only damaged his face。 At the door he turned。 〃When you know for certain； you will tell me？〃 He paused significantly。 His voice dropped。 〃After all； if this is what they do to a King's fool； what might they do to a woman carrying a King…in…Waiting's heir？〃
〃They wouldn't dare；〃 I said fiercely。
He snorted disdain。 〃Wouldn't they？ I no longer know what they would or would not dare； FitzChivalry。 Neither do you。 I'd find a sounder way to latch my door； if I were you。 Unless you wish to find your head in a bag as well。〃 He gave a smile that wasn't even a shadow of his usual mocking grin； and slipped out again。 I walked to the door after he had left it； and dropped the bar into place。 I leaned my back against it and sighed。
〃It's all very well for the rest of them； Verity；〃 I said aloud to the silent room。 〃But for myself； I think you should turn yourself about right now and ride home。 There's more afoot than Red…Ships； and somehow I misdoubt that Elderlings would be much help against the other threats we face。〃
I waited； hoping to feel some sort of acknowledgment or agreement from him。 There was nothing。 My frustrations whirled in me。 I was seldom certain of when Verity was aware with me； and never sure if he sensed the thoughts I wished to send him。 I wondered again at why he did not direct Serene as to the actions he wished taken。 He had Skilled to her all summer about Red…Ships； why was he so silent now？ Had he Skilled to her already； and she concealed it？ Or revealed it； perhaps； to Regal only。 I considered it。 Perhaps the bruises on the Fool's face reflected Regal's frustration at finding Verity aware of what was going on in his absence。 Why he had chosen the Fool as the culprit was anyone's guess。 Perhaps he had simply chosen him as a vent for his rage。 The Fool had never avoided offending Regal。 Or anyone else。
Later that night； I went to Molly。 It was a dangerous time to go； for the Keep was abuzz with extra folk and extra servants taking care of them。 But my suspicions would not let me stay away。 When I tapped on the door that night； Molly asked through the wood； 〃Who is it？〃
〃It's me；〃 I replied incredulously。 She had never asked before。
〃Oh；〃 she replied； and opened the door。 I slipped inside and bolted it behind me as she crossed to the hearth。 She knelt before it； adding wood it didn't need and not looking at me。 She was dressed in her blue servant's dress； and her hair was still bundled up。 Every line of her body warned me。 I was in trouble again。
〃I'm sorry I haven't been here much lately。〃
〃So am I；〃 Molly said shortly。
She wasn't leaving me much in the way of openings。 〃A lot has been going on； and they've been keeping me pretty busy。〃
〃With what？〃
I sighed。 I already knew where this conversation was going。 〃With things I can't talk to you about。〃
〃Of course。〃 For all the calmness and coolness in her voice； I knew her fury was raging just beneath the surface。 The slightest wrong word would set it off。 So would not saying anything。 So my question might as well be tackled head…on。
〃Molly； the reason I came tonight…〃
〃Oh； I knew there had to be some special reason for you to finally drop by。 The only thing that really surprises me is myself。 Why am I here？ Why do I e straight to my room after my duties each day and wait； on the off chance that you might show up？ There are other things I could be doing。 There are minstrels and puppet shows aplenty lately。 Prince Regal sees to that。 I could be at one of the lesser hearths with the other servants； enjoying their pany。 Instead of up here alone。 Or I could be getting some work done。 Cook lets me use the kitchen when it's not a busy time。 I have wicking and herbs and tallow； I should be using them while the herbs still have their full potency。 But no； I am up here； on the off chance that you'll remember me and want to spend a few moments with me。
I stood like a rock in the battering waves of her words。 There was nothing else I could do。 Everything she said was true。 I looked at my feet while she caught her breath。 When she spoke again； the anger had faded from her voice； to be replaced with something worse。 Misery and discouragement。
〃Fitz； it's just so hard。 Every time I think I have accepted it； I turn a corner and catch myself hoping again。 But there's never going to be anything for us； is there？ Never going to be a time that belongs just to us； never going to be a place that is just ours。〃 She paused。 She looked down； biting on her lower lip。 When she spoke； her voice trembled。 〃I've seen Celerity。 She's beautiful。 I even made an excuse to speak to her 。。。。 I asked if they needed more candles for their rooms 。。。。 She spoke back； shyly； but courteously。 She even thanked me for being concerned； as few here thank servants。 She's 。。。 she's nice。 A Lady。 Oh； they'll never give you permission to marry me。 Why would you want to marry a servant？〃
〃You are not a servant to me；〃 I said quietly。 〃I never think of you that way。〃
〃Then what am I？ I am not a wife；〃 she pointed out quietly。
〃In my heart； you are；〃 I said miserably。 It was a pitiful fort to offer her。 It shamed me that she accepted it； and came to rest her forehead on my shoulder。 I held her gently for a few moments； then pulled her into a warmer embrace。 As she nestled against me I said softly into her hair； 〃There's something I have to ask you。〃
〃What？〃
〃Are you 。。。 with child？〃
〃What？〃 She pulled back from me； to look up into my face。
〃Are you carrying my child？〃
〃I 。。。 no。 No； I'm not。〃 A pause。 〃What makes you ask such a thing all of a sudden？〃
〃It just occurred to me to wonder。 That's all。 I mean…〃
〃I know what you mean。 If we were married； and I weren't pregnant by now； the neighbors would be shaking their heads over us。〃
〃Really？〃 Such a thing had never occurred to me before。 I knew that some folk wondered if Kettricken were barren； as she had not conceived in over a year of marriage； but a concern over her childlessness was a public issue。 I had never thought of neighbors watching newlyweds expectantly。
〃Of course。 By now； someone would have offered me a tea recipe from their mother's telling。 Or powdered boar's tusk to slip into your ale at night。〃
〃Oh really？〃 I gathered her closer to me； grinning foolishly。
〃Um。〃 She smiled back up at me。 The smile faded slowly。 〃As it is；〃 she said quietly； 〃there are other herbs I take。 To be sure that I do not conceive。〃
I had all but forgotten Patience scolding me that day。 〃Some herbs like that； I've heard； can make a woman ill； if she takes them for long。〃
〃I know what I'm doing；〃 she said flatly。 〃Besides； what is the alternative？〃 she added with less heart。
〃Disaster；〃 I conceded。
She nodded her head against me。 〃Fitz。 If I had said yes tonight。 If I were pregnant 。。。 what would you have done？〃
〃I don't know。 I haven't thought about it。〃
〃Think about it now；〃 she begged me。
I spoke slowly。 〃I suppose I'd 。。。 get a place for you； somehow； somewhere。〃 （I'd go to Chade； I'd go to Burrich； and I'd beg for help。 Inwardly I blanched to think of it。） 〃A safe place。 Away from Buckkeep。 Upriver； maybe。 I'd e to see you when I could。 Somehow； I'd take care of you。〃
〃You'd set me aside is what you're saying。 Me； and our 。。。 my child。〃
〃No！ I'd keep you safe； put you where no one would point shame at you or mock you for having a child alone。 And when I could； I'd e to you and our child。〃
〃Have you ever considered that you could e with us？ That we could leave Buckkeep； you and I； and go upriver now？〃
