new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第45部分
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But I heard my voice escaping in a whisper。
〃I'm sorry that I couldn't before I wish I could change how I feel about
you； Jacob。〃 I was
desperate； reaching； stretching the truth so far that it curved nearly into
the shape of a lie。 〃Maybe
maybe I would change；〃 I whispered。 〃Maybe； if you gave me some time just
don't quit on me now；
Jake。 I can't take it。〃
His face went from anger to agony in a second。 One shaking hand reached out
toward me。
〃No。 Don't think like that； Bella； please。 Don't blame yourself； don't think
this is your fault。 This one is all
me。 I swear； it's not about you。〃
〃It's not you； it's me；〃 I whispered。 〃There's a new one。〃
〃I mean it； Bella。 I'm not〃 he struggled； his voice going even huskier as he
fought to control his emotion。
His eyes were tortured。 〃I'm not good enough to be your friend anymore； or
anything else。 I'm not what I
was before。 I'm not good。〃
〃What？〃 I stared at him； confused and appalled。 〃What are you saying？ You're
much better than I am；
Jake。 You are good！ Who told you that you aren't？ Sam？ It's a vicious lie；
Jacob！ Don't let him tell you
that！〃 I was suddenly yelling again。
Jacob's face went hard and flat。 〃No one had to tell me anything。 I know what
I am。〃
〃You're my friend； that's what you are！ Jake—don't！〃
He was backing away from me。
〃I'm sorry； Bella；〃 he said again； this time it was a broken mumble。 He turned
and almost ran into the
house。
I was unable to move from where I stood。 I stared at the little house； it
looked too small to hold four
large boys and two larger men。 There was no reaction inside。 No flutter at the
edge of the curtain； no
sound of voices or movement。 It faced me vacantly。
The rain started to drizzle； stinging here and there against my skin。 I
couldn't take my eyes off the house。
Jacob would e back。 He had to。
The rain picked up； and so did the wind。 The drops were no longer falling from
above； they slanted at an
angle from the west。 I could smell the brine from the ocean。 My hair whipped
in my face； sticking to the
wet places and tangling in my lashes。 I waited。
Finally the door opened； and I took a step forward in relief。
Billy rolled his chair into the door frame。 I could see no one behind him。
〃Charlie just called； Bella。 I told him you were on your way home。〃 His eyes
were full of pity。
The pity made it final somehow。 I didn't ment。 I just turned robotically
and climbed in my truck。 I'd
left the windows open and the seats were slick and wet。 It didn't matter。 I
was already soaked。
Not as bad！ Not as bad！ my mind tried to fort me。 It was true。 This wasn't
as bad。 This wasn't the
end of the world； not again。 This was just the end of what little peace there
was left behind。 That was all。
Not as bad； I agreed； then added； but bad enough。
I'd thought Jake had been healing the hole in me—or at least plugging it up；
keeping it from hurting me so
much。 I'd been wrong。 He'd just been carving out his own hole； so that I was
now riddled through like
Swiss cheese。 I wondered why I didn't crumble into pieces。
Charlie was waiting on the porch。 As I rolled to a stop； he walked out to meet
me。
〃Billy called。 He said you got in fight with Jake—said you were pretty
upset；〃 he explained as he opened
my door for me。
Then he looked at my face。 A kind of horrified recognition registered in his
expression。 I tried to feel my
face from the inside out； to know what he was seeing。 My face felt empty and
cold； and I realized what it
would remind him of。
〃That's not exactly how it happened；〃 I muttered。
Charlie put his arm around me and helped me out of the car。 He didn't ment
on my sodden clothes。
〃Then what did happen'〃 he asked when we were inside。 He pulled the afghan off
the back of the sofa as
he spoke and wrapped it around my shoulders。 I realized I was shivering still。
My voice was lifeless。 〃Sam Uley says Jacob can't be my friend anymore。〃
Charlie shot me a strange look。 〃Who told you that？〃
〃Jacob；〃 I stated； though that wasn't exactly what he'd said。 It was still
true。
Charlie's eyebrows pulled together。 〃You really think there's something wrong
with the Uley kid？〃
〃I know there is。 Jacob wouldn't tell me what； though。〃 I could hear the water
from my clothes dripping
to the floor and splashing on the linoleum。 〃I'm going to go change。〃
Charlie was lost in thought。 〃Okay；〃 he said absently。
I decided to take a shower because I was so cold； but the hot water didn't
seem to affect the
temperature of my skin。 I was still freezing when I gave up and shut the water
off。 In the sudden quiet； I
could hear Charlie talking to someone downstairs。 I wrapped a towel around me；
and cracked the
bathroom door。
Charlie's voice was angry。 〃I'm not buying that。 It doesn't make any sense。〃
It was quiet then； and I realized he was on the phone。 A minute passed。
〃Don't you put this on Bella！〃 Charlie suddenly shouted。
I jumped。 When he spoke again； his voice was careful and lower。 〃Bella's made
it very clear all along that
she and Jacob were just friends Well； if that was it； then why didn't you
say so at first？ No； Billy； I
think she's right about this Because I know my daughter； and if she says
Jacob was scared before—〃
He was cut off mid…sentence； and when he answered he was almost shouting
again。
〃What do you mean I don't know my daughter as well as I think I do！〃 He
listened for a brief second；
and his response was almost too low for me to hear。 〃If you think I'm going to
remind her about that； then
you had better think again。 She's only just starting to get over it； and
mostly because of Jacob； I think。 If
whatever Jacob has going on with this Sam character sends her back into that
depression； then Jacob is
going to have to answer to me。 You're my friend； Billy； but this is hurting my
family。〃
There was another break for Billy to respond。
〃You got that right—those boys set one toe out of line and I'm going to know
about it。 We'll be keeping
an eye on the situation； you can be sure of that。〃 He was no longer Charlie；
he was Chief Swan now。
〃Fine。 Yeah。 Goodbye。〃 The phone slammed into the cradle。
I tiptoed quickly across the hall into my room。 Charlie was muttering angrily
in the kitchen。
So Billy was going to blame me。 I was leading Jacob on and he'd finally had
enough。
It was strange； for I'd feared that myself； but after the last thing Jacob had
said this afternoon； I didn't
believe it anymore。 There was much more to this than an unrequited crush； and
it surprised me that Billy
would stoop to claiming that。 It made me think that whatever secret they were
keeping was bigger than
I'd been imagining。 At least Charlie was on my side now。
I put my pajamas on and crawled into bed。 Life seemed dark enough at the
moment chat I let myself
cheat。 The hole—holes now—were already aching； so why not？ I pulled out the
memory—nor a real
memory that would hurt too much； but the false memory of Edward's voice in my
mind this
afternoon—and played it over and over in my head until I fell asleep with the
tears still streaming calmly
down my empty face。
It was a new dream tonight。 Rain was falling and Jacob was walking soundlessly
beside me； though
beneath my feet the ground crunched like dry gravel。 But he wasn't my Jacob；
he was the new； bitter；
graceful Jacob。 The smooth suppleness of his walk reminded me of someone else；
and； as I watched； his
features started to change。 The russet color of his skin leached away； leaving
his face pale white like
bone。 His eyes turned gold； and then crimson； and then back to gold again。 His
shorn hair twisted in the
breeze； turning bronze where the wind touched it。 And his face became so
beautiful that it shattered my
heart。 I reached for him； but he took a step away； raising his hands like a
shield。 And then Edward
vanished。
I wasn't sure； when I woke in the dark； if I'd just begun crying； or if my
tears had run while I slept and
simply continued now。 I stared at my dark ceiling。 I could feel that it was
the middle of the night—I was
still half…aslee
