new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第87部分
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touch his eyes。 〃If there was
only some way to make you see that I can't leave you；〃 he whispered。 〃Time； I
suppose； will be the way
to convince you。〃
I liked the idea of time。 〃Okay；〃 I agreed。
His face was still tormented。 I tried to distract him with inconsequentials。
〃So—since you're staying。 Can I have my stuff back？〃 I asked； making my tone
as light as I could
manage。
My attempt worked； to an extent： he laughed。 But his eyes retained the misery。
〃Your things were never
gone；〃 he told me。 〃I knew it was wrong； since I promised you peace without
reminders。 It was stupid
and childish； but I wanted to leave something of myself with you。 The CD； the
pictures； the
tickets—they're all under your floorboards。〃
〃Really？〃
He nodded； seeming slightly cheered by my obvious pleasure in this trivial
fact。 It wasn't enough to heal
the pain in his face pletely。
〃I think；〃 I said slowly； 〃I'm not sure； but I wonder I think maybe I knew
it the whole time。〃
〃What did you know？〃
I only wanted to take away the agony in his eyes； but as I spoke the words；
they sounded truer than I
expected they would。
〃Some part of me； my subconscious maybe； never stopped believing that you
still cared whether I lived
or died。 That's probably why I was hearing the voices。〃
There was a very deep silence for a moment。 〃Voices？〃 he asked flatly。
〃Well； just one voice。 Yours。 It's a long story。〃 The wary look on his face
made me wish that I hadn't
brought that up。 Would he think I was crazy； like everyone else？ Was everyone
else right about that？ But
at least that expression—the one that made him look like something was
burning him—faded。
〃I've got time。〃 His voice was unnaturally even。
〃It's pretty pathetic。〃
He waited。
I wasn't sure how to explain。 〃Do you remember what Alice said about extreme
sports？〃
He spoke the words without inflection or emphasis。 〃You jumped off a cliff for
fun。〃
〃Er； right。 And before that； with the motorcycle—〃
〃Motorcycle？〃 he asked。 I knew his voice well enough to hear something brewing
behind the calm。
〃I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part。〃
〃No。〃
〃Well； about that See； I found that when I was doing something dangerous
or stupid I could
remember you more clearly；〃 I confessed； feeling pletely mental。 〃I could
remember how your voice
sounded when you were angry。 I could hear it； like you were standing right
there next to me。 Mostly I
tried not to think about you； but this didn't hurt so much—it was like you
were protecting me again。 Like
you didn't want me to be hurt。
〃And； well； I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clearly was because；
underneath it all。 I always
knew that you hadn't stopped loving me。〃
Again； as I spoke； the words brought with them a sense of conviction。 Of
rightness。 Some deep place
inside me recognized truth。
His words came out half…strangled。 〃You were risking your life to hear—
〃
〃Shh；〃 I interrupted him。 〃Hold on a second。 I think I'm having an epiphany
here。〃
I thought of that night in Port Angeles when I'd had my first delusion。 I'd
e up with two options。
Insanity or wish fulfillment。 I'd seen no third option。
But what if
What if you sincerely believed something was true； but you were dead wrong？
What if you were so
stubbornly sure that you were right； that you wouldn't even consider the
truth？ Would the truth be
silenced； or would it try to break through？
Option three： Edward loved me。 The bond forged between us was not one that
could be broken by
absence； distance； or time。 And no matter how much more special or beautiful
or brilliant or perfect than
me he might be； he was as irreversibly altered as I was。 As I would always
belong to him； so would he
always be mine。
Was that what I'd been trying to tell myself？
〃Oh！〃
〃Bella？〃
〃Oh。 Okay。 I see。〃
〃Your epiphany？〃 he asked； his voice uneven and strained。
〃You love me；〃 I marveled。 The sense of conviction and Tightness washed
through me again。
Though his eyes were still anxious； the crooked smile I loved best flashed
across his face。 〃Truly； I do。〃
My heart inflated like it was going to crack right through my ribs。 It filled
my chest and blocked my throat
so that I could not speak。
He really did want me the way I wanted him—forever。 It was only fear for my
soul； for the human things
he didn't want to take from me； that made him so desperate to leave me mortal。
pared to the fear
that he didn't want me； this hurdle—my soul—seemed almost insignificant。
He took my face tightly between his cool hands and kissed me until I was so
dizzy the forest was
spinning。 Then he leaned his forehead against mine； and I was not the only one
breathing harder than
usual。
〃You were better at it than I was； you know；〃 he told me。
〃Better at what？〃
〃Surviving。 You； at least； made an effort。 You got up in the morning； tried to
be normal for Charlie；
followed the pattern of your life。 When I wasn't actively tracking； I was
totally useless。 I couldn't be
around my family—I couldn't be around anyone。 I'm embarrassed to admit that I
more or less curled up
into a ball and let the misery have me。〃 He grinned； sheepish。 〃It was much
more pathetic than hearing
voices。 And； of course； you know I do that； too。〃
I was deeply relieved that he really seemed to understand—forted that this
all made sense to him。 At
any rate； he wasn't looking at me like I was crazy。 He was looking at me like
he loved me。
〃I only heard one voice；〃 I corrected him。
He laughed and then pulled me tight against his right side and started to lead
me forward。
〃I'm just humoring you with this。〃 He motioned broadly with his hand toward
the darkness in front of us
as we walked。 There was something pale and immense there—the house； I
realized。 〃It doesn't matter in
the slightest what they say。〃
〃This affects them now； too。〃
He shrugged indifferently。
He led me through the open front door into the dark house and flipped the
lights on。 The room was just
as I'd remembered it—the piano and the white couches and the pale； massive
staircase。 No dust； no
white sheets。
Edward called out the names with no more volume than I'd use in regular
conversation。 〃Carlisle？ Esme？
Rosalie？ Emmett？ Jasper？ Alice？〃 They would hear。
Carlisle was suddenly standing beside me； as if he'd been there all along。
〃Wele back； Bella。〃 He
smiled。 〃What can we do for you this morning？ I imagine； due to the hour； that
this is not a purely social
visit？〃
I nodded。 〃I'd like to talk to everyone at once； if that's okay。 About
something important。〃
I couldn't help glancing up at Edward's face as I spoke。 His expression was
critical； but resigned。 When I
looked back to Carlisle； he was looking at Edward； too。
〃Of course；〃 Carlisle said。 〃Why don't we talk in the other room？〃
Carlisle led the way through the bright living room； around the corner to the
dining room； turning on lights
as he went。 The walls were white； the ceilings high； like the living room。 In
the center of the room； under
the low…hanging chandelier； was a large； polished oval table surrounded by
eight chairs。 Carlisle held out
a chair for me at the head。
I'd never seen the Cullens use the dining room table before—it was just a
prop。 They didn't eat in the
house。
As soon as I turned to sit in the chair； I saw that we were not alone。 Esme
had followed Edward； and
behind her the rest of the family filed in。
Carlisle sat down on my right； and Edward on my left。 Everyone else took their
seats in silence。 Alice
was grinning at me； already in on the plot。 Emmett and Jasper looked curious；
and Rosalie smiled at me
tentatively。 My answering smile was just as timid。 That was going to take some
getting used to。
Carlisle nodded toward me。 〃The floor is yours。〃
I swallowed。 Their gazing eyes made me nervous。 Edward took my hand under the
table。 I peeked at
him； but he was watching the others； his fate suddenly fierce。
〃Well；〃 I paused。 〃I'm hoping Alice has already told you everything that
happened in Volterra？〃
〃Everything；〃 Alice assured me。
I thre
