一无所有-第13部分

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ou　will　be　his　man；〃　had　a　strange　sound　to　it。　Shevek　looked　at　her　blankly。

〃There's　work　for　you　to　do；〃　Mitis　said。　She　had　black　eyes；　they　flashed　as　if　with　anger。　〃Do　it！〃　Then　she　went　out；　for　a　group　was　waiting　for　her　in　the　lab。　Confused；　Shevek　looked　down　at　the　bit　of　scribbled　paper。　He　thought　Mitis　had　been　telling　him　to　hurry　up　and　correct　his　equations。。　It　was　not　till　much　later　that　he　understood　what　she　had　been　telling　him。

The　night　before　he　left　for　Abbenay　his　fellow　students　gave　a　party　for　him。　Parties　were　frequent；　on　slight　pretexts；　but　Shevek　was　surprised　by　the　energy　that　went　into　this　one；　and　wondered　why　it　was　such　a　fine　one。　Uninfluenced　by　others；　he　never　knew　he　influenced　them；　he　had　no　idea　they　liked　him。

Many　of　them　must　have　saved　up　daily　allowances　for　the　party　for　days　before。　There　were　incredible　amounts　of　food。　The　order　for　pastries　was　so　large　that　the　refectory　baker　had　let　his　fancy　loose　and　produced　hitherto　unknown　delights：　spiced　wafers；　little　peppered　squares　to　go　with　the　smoked　fish；　sweet　fried　cakes；　succulently　greasy。　There　were　fruit　drinks；　preserved　fruit　from　the　Keran　Sea　region；　tiny　salt　shrimp；　piles　of　crisp　sweetpotato　chips。　The　rich　plentiful　food　was　intoxicating。　Everybody　got　very　merry；　and　a　few　got　sick。

There　were　skits　and　entertainments；　rehearsed　and　impromptu。　Tirin　got　himself　up　in　a　collection　of　rags　from　the　recycle　bin　and　wandered　among　them　as　the　Poor　Urrasti；　the　Beggarman　—　one　of　the　lotic　words　everybody　had　learned　in　history。　〃Give　me　money；〃　he　whined；　shaking　his　hand　under　their　noses。　〃Money！　Money！　Why　don't　you　give　me　any　money？　You　havent　got　any？　Liars！　Filthy　propertarians！　Profiteers！　Look　at　all　that　food；　how　did　you　get　it　if　you　haven't　any　money？〃　He　then　offered　himself　for　sale。　〃Bay　me；　bay　me；　for　just　a　little　money；〃　he　wheedled。

〃It　isn't　bay；　it's　buy；〃　Rovab　corrected　him。

〃Bay　me；　buy　me；　who　cares；　look；　what　a　beautiful　body；　don't　you　want　it？〃　Tirin　crooned；　wagging　his　slender　hips　and　batting　his　eyes。　He　was　at　last　publicly　executed　with　a　fish　knife　and　reappeared　in　normal　clothing。　There　were　skillful　harp　players　and　singers　among　them；　and　there　was　plenty　of　music　and　dancing；　but　more　talk。　They　all　talked　as　if　they　were　to　be　struck　dumb　tomorrow。

As　the　night　went　on　young　lovers　wandered　off　to　copulate；　seeking　the　single　rooms；　others　got　sleepy　and　went　off　to　the　dormitories；　at　last　a　small　group　was　left　amid　the　empty　cups；　the　fishbones；　and　the　pastry　crumbs；　which　they　would　have　to　clean　up　before　morning。　But　it　was　hours　yet　till　morning。　They　talked。　They　nibbled　on　this　and　that　as　they　talked。　Bedap　and　Tirin　and　Shevek　were　there；　a　couple　of　other　boys；　three　girls。　They　talked　about　the　spatial　representation　of　time　as　rhythm；　and　the　connection　of　the　ancient　theories　of　the　Numerical　Harmonies　with　modern　temporal　physics。　They　talked　about　the　best　stroke　for　longdistance　swimming。　They　talked　about　whether　their　childhoods　had　been　happy。　They　talked　about　what　happiness　was。

〃Suffering　is　a　misunderstanding；〃　Shevek　said；　leaning　forward；　his　eyes　wide　and　light。　He　was　still　lanky；　with　big　hands；　protruding　ears；　and　angular　joints；　but　in　the　perfect　health　and　strength　of　eariy　manhood　he　was　very　beautiful。　His　duncolored　hair；　like　the　others'；　was　fine　and　straight；　worn　at　its　full　length　and　kept　off　the　forehead　with　a　band。　Only　one　of　them　wore　her　hair　differently；　a　girl　with　high　cheekbones　and　a　flat　nose；　she　had　cut　her　dark　hair　to　a　shiny　cap　all　round。　She　was　watching　Shevek　with　a　steady；　serious　gaze。　Her　lips　were　greasy　from　eating　fried　cakes；　and　there　was　a　crumb　on　her　chin。

〃It　exists；〃　Shevek　said；　spreading　out　his　hands。　〃It's　real。　I　can　call　it　a　misunderstanding；　but　I　can't　pretend　that　it　doesn't　exist；　or　will　ever　cease　to　exist　Suffering　is　the　condition　on　which　we　live。　And　when　it　es；　you　know　it　You　know　it　as　the　truth。　Of　course　it's　right　to　cure　diseases；　to　prevent　hunger　and　injustice；　as　the　social　anism　does。　But　no　society　can　change　the　nature　of　existence。　We　can't　prevent　suffering。　This　pain　and　that　pain；　yes；　but　not　Pain。　A　society　can　only　relieve　social　suffering；　unnecessary　suffering。　The　rest　remains。　The　root；　the　reality。　All　of　us　here　are　going　to　know　grief；　if　we　live　fifty　years；　we'll　have　known　pain　for　fifty　years。　And　in　the　end　we'll　die。　That's　the　condition　we're　born　on。　I'm　afraid　of　life！　There　are　times　I　—　I　am　very　frightened。　Any　happiness　seems　trivial。　And　yet；　I　wonder　if　it　isn't　all　a　misunderstanding　—　this　grasping　after　happiness；　this　fear　of　pain。　。。。　If　instead　of　fearing　it　and　running　from　it；　one　could　。。。　get　through　it；　go　beyond　it。　There　is　something　beyond　it。　It's　the　self　that　suffers；　and　there's　a　place　where　the　self—ceases。　I　dont　know　how　to　say　it　But　I　believe　that　the　reality　—　the　truth　that　I　recognize　in　suffering　as　I　don't　in　fort　and　happiness　—　that　the　reality　of　pain　is　not　pain。　If　you　can　get　through　it。　If　you　can　endure　it　all　the　way。〃

〃The　reality　of　our　life　is　in　love；　in　solidarity；〃　said　a　tall；　softeyed　giri。　〃Love　is　the　true　condition　of　human　life。〃

Bedap　shook　his　head。　〃No。　Shev's　right；〃　he　said。　〃Love's　just　one　of　the　ways　through；　and　it　can　go　wrong；　and　miss。　Pain　never　misses。　But　therefore　we　don't　have　muck　choice　about　enduring　it！　We　will　whether　we　want　to　or　not。〃

The　girl　with　short　hair　shook　her　head　vehemently。　〃But　we　won't！　One　in　a　hundred；　one　in　a　thousand；　goes　all　the　way；　all　the　way　through。　The　rest　of　us　keep　pretending　we're　happy；　or　else　just　go　numb。　We　suffer；　but　not　enough。　And　so　we　suffer　for　nothing。〃

〃What　are　we　supposed　to　do；〃　said　Tirin；　〃go　hit　our　heads　with　hammers　for　an　hour　every　day　to　make　sure　we　suffer　enough？〃

〃You're　making　a　cult　of　pain；〃　another　said。　〃An　Odonian'a　goal　is　positive；　not　negative。　Suffering　is　dysfunctional；　except　as　a　bodily　warning　against　danger。　Psychologically　and　socially　it's　merely　destructive。〃

〃What　motivated　Odo　but　an　exceptional　sensitivity　to　suffering　—　her　own　and　others'？〃　Bedap　retorted。

〃But　the　whole　principal　of　mutual　aid　is　designed　to　prevent　suffering！〃

Shevek　was　sitting　on　the　table；　his　long　legs　dangling；　his　face　intense　and　quiet。　〃Have　you　ever　seen　anybody　die？〃　he　asked　the　others。　Most　of　them　had；　in　a　domicile　or　on　volunteer　hospital　duty。　All　but　one　had　helped　at　one　time　or　another　to　bury　the　dead。

〃There　was　a　man　when　I　was　in　camp　in　Southeast。　　It　was　the　first　time　I　saw　anything　like　this。　There　was　some　defect　in　the　aircar　engine；　it　crashed　lifting　off　and　caught　fire。　They　got　him　out　burned　all　over。　He　lived　about　two　hours。　He　couldnt　have　been　saved；　there　was　no　reason　for　him　to　live　that　long；　no　justification　for　those　two　hours。　We　were　waiting　for　them　to　fly　in　anesthetics　from　the　coast。　I　stayed　with　him；　along　with　a　couple　of　girls。　We'd　been　there　loading　the　plane。　There　wasn't　a　doctor。　You　couldn't　do　anything　for　him；　except　just　stay　there；　be　with　him。　He　was　in　shock　but　mostly　conscious。　He　was　in　terrible　pain；　mostly　from　his　hands。　I　dont　think　he　knew　the　rest　of　his　body　was　all　charred；　he　felt　it　mostly　in　his　hands。　You　couldnt　touch　him　to　fort　him；　the　skin　and　flesh　would　e　away　at　your　touch；　and　he'd　scream。　You　couldn't　do　anything　for　him。　There　was　no　aid　to　give。　Maybe　he　knew　we　were　there；　I　don't　know。　It　didn't　do　him　any　good。　You　couldn't　do　anything　for　him。　Then　I　saw　。　。。　you　see　。。。　I　saw　that　you　can't　do　anything　for　anybody。　We　can't　save　each　other。　Or　ourselves。〃

〃What　have　you　left；　then？　Isolation　and　despair！　You're　denying　brotherhood；　Shevek！〃　the　tall　girl　cried。

〃No　—　no；　I'm　not。　I'm　trying　to　say　what　I　think　brotherhood　really　is。　It　begins　—　it　begins　in　shared　pain。〃

〃Then　where　does　it　end？〃

〃I　dont　know。　I　don't　know　yet。〃







Chapter　3









When　Shevefc　woke；　having　slept　straight　through　his　first　morning　on　Urras；　his　nose　was　stuffy；　his　throat　was　sore；　and　he　coughed　a　lot　He　thought　he　had　a　cold　—　eve