一无所有-第26部分

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



〃How　do　you　feel？〃

〃Newborn。　Who　are　you？〃

She　also　smiled。　〃The　mother。〃

〃Rebirth。　But　I'm　supposed　to　get　a　new　body；　not　the　same　old　one。〃

〃What　on　earth　are　you　talking　about？〃

〃Nothing　on　earth。　On　Urras。　Rebirth　is　part　of　their　religion。〃

〃You're　still　lightheaded。〃　She　touched　his　forehead。　〃No　fever。〃　Her　voice　in　saying　those　two　words　touched　and　struck　something　very　deep　in　Shevek's　being；　a　dark　place；　a　place　walled　in；　where　it　reverberated　back　and　back　in　the　darkness。　He　looked　at　the　woman　and　said　with　terror；　〃You　are　Rulag。〃

〃I　told　you　I　was。　Several　times！〃

She　maintained　an　expression　of　unconcern；　even　of　humor。　There　aintaining　anything。　He　had　no　strength　to　move；　but　he　shrank　away　from　her　in　unconcealed　fear；　as　if　she　were　not　his　mother；　but　his　death。　If　she　noticed　this　weak　movement；　she　gave　no　sign。

She　was　a　handsome　woman；　dark；　with　fine　and　wellproportioned　features　showing　no　lines　of　age；　though　she　must　be　over　forty。　Everything　about　her　person　was　harmonious　and　controlled。　Her　voice　was　low；　pleasant　in　timbre。　〃I　didn't　know　you　were　here　in　Abbenay；〃　she　said；　〃or　where　you　were　—　or　even　whether　you　were。　I　was　in　the　Press　depot　looking　through　new　publications；　picking　things　up　for　the　Engineering　library；　and　I　saw　a　book　by　Sabul　and　Shevek。　Sabul　I　knew；　of　course。　But　who's　Shevek？　Why　does　it　sound　so　familiar？　I　didn't　arrive　at　it　for　a　minute　or　more。　Strange；　isn't　it？　But　it　didn't　seem　reasonable。　The　Shevek　I　knew　would　be　only　twenty；　not　likely　to　be　coauthoring　treatises　in　metacosmology　with　Sabul。　But　any　other　Shevek　would　have　to　be　even　younger　than　twenty！。。。　So　I　came　to　see。　A　boy　in　the　domicile　said　you　were　here。　。　；　。　This　is　a　shockingly　understaffed　clinic。　I　don't　understand　why　the　syndics　don't　request　some　more　postings　from　the　Medical　Federation；　or　else　cut　down　the　number　of　admissions；　some　of　these　aides　and　doctors　are　working　eight　hours　a　day！　Of　course；　there　are　people　in　the　medical　arts　who　actually　want　that：　the　selfsacrifice　impulse。　Unfortunately　it　doesn't　lead　to　maximum　efficiency；　。。。　It　was　strange　to　find　you。　I　would　never　have　known　you。。　。　。　Are　you　and　Palat　in　touch？　How　is　he？〃

〃He's　dead。〃

〃Ah。〃　There　was　no　pretense　of　shock　or　grief　in　Rulag'a　voice；　only　a　kind　of　dreary　accustomedness；　a　bleak　note。　Shevek　was　moved　by　it；　enabled　to　see　her；　for　a　moment；　as　a　person。

〃How　long　ago　did　he　die？〃

〃Eight　years。〃

〃He　couldn't　have　been　more　than　thirtyfive。〃

〃There　was　an　earthquake　in　Wide　Plains。　We'd　been　living　there　about　five　years；　he　was　construction　engineer　for　the　munity。　The　quake　damaged　the　learning　center。　He　was　with　the　others　trying　to　get　out　some　of　the　children　who　were　trapped　inside。　There　was　a　second　quake　and　the　whole　thing　went　down。　There　were　thirtytwo　people　killed。〃

〃Were　you　there？〃

〃I'd　gone　to　start　training　at　the　Regional　Institute　about　ten　days　before　the　quake。〃

She　mused；　her　face　smooth　and　still。　〃Poor　Palat。　Somehow　it's　like　him　—　to　have　died　with　others；　a　statistic；　one　of　thirtytwo。。　。。〃

〃The　statistics　would　have　been　higher　if　he　hadn't　gone　into　the　building；〃　Shevek　said。

She　looked　at　him　then。　Her　gaze　did　not　show　what　emotions　she　felt　or　did　not　feel。　What　she　said　might　be　spontaneous　or　deliberate；　there　was　no　way　to　tell。　〃You　were　fond　of　Palat〃

He　did　not　answer。

〃You　don't　look　like　him。　In　fact　you　look　like　me；　except　in　coloring。　I　thought　you'd　look　like　Palat。　I　assumed　it　Ifs　strange　how　one's　imagination　makes　these　assumptions。　He　stayed　with　you；　then？〃

Shevek　nodded。

〃He　was　lucky。〃　She　did　not　sigh；　but　a　suppressed　sigh　was　in　her　voice。

〃So　was　I。〃

There　was　a　pause。　She　smiled　faintly。　〃Yes。　I　could　have　kept　in　touch　with　you。　Do　you　hold　it　against　me；　my　not　having　done　so？〃

〃Hold　it　against　you？　I　never　knew　you。〃

〃You　did。　Palat　and　I　kept　you　with　us　in　the　domicile；　even　after　you　were　weaned。　We　both　wanted　to。　Those　first　years　are　when　the　individual　contact　is　essential；　the　psychologists　have　proved　it　conclusively。　Full　socialization　can　be　developed　only　from　that　affectional　beginning。　。　。。　I　was　willing　to　continue　the　partnership。　I　tried　to　have　Palat　posted　here　to　Abbenay。　There　never　was　an　opening　in　his　line　of　work；　and　he　wouldn't　e　without　a　posting。　He　had　a　stubborn　streak。　。。。　At　first　he　wrote　sometimes　to　tell　me　how　you　were；　then　he　stopped　writing。〃

〃It　doesn't　matter；〃　the　young　man　said。　His　face；　thin　from　illness；　was　covered　with　very　fine　drops　of　sweat；　making　his　cheeks　and　forehead　look　silvery；　as　if　oiled。

There　was　silence　again；　and　Rulag　said　in　her　controlled；　pleasant　voice；　〃Well；　yes；　it　mattered；　and　it　still　matters。　But　Palat　was　the　one　to　stay　with　you　and　see　you　through　your　integrative　years。　He　was　supportive；　he　was　parental；　as　I　am　not。　The　work　es　first；　with　me。　It　has　always　e　first　Still；　I'm　glad　you're　here　now；　Shevek。　Perhaps　I　can　be　of　some　use　to　you；　now。　I　know　Abbenay　is　a　forbidding　place　at　first。　One　feels　lost；　isolated；　lacking　the　simple　solidarity　the　little　towns　have。　I　know　interesting　people；　whom　you　might　like　to　meet。　And　people　who　might　be　useful　to　you。　I　know　Sabul；　I　have　some　notion　of　what　you　may　have　e　up　against；　with　him；　and　with　the　whole　Institute。　They　play　dominance　games　there。　It　takes　some　experience　to　know　how　to　outplay　them。　In　any　case；　I'm　glad　you're　here。　It　gives　me　a　pleasure　I　never　looked　for　—　a　kind　of　joy。　。。。　I　read　your　book。　It　is　yours；　isn't　it？　Why　else　would　Sabul　be　copublishing　with　a　twentyyearold　student？　The　subject's　beyond　me；　I'm　only　an　engineer。　I　confess　to　being　proud　of　you。　That's　strange；　isn't　it？　　Unreasonable。　Propertarian；　even。　As　if　you　were　something　that　belonged　to　me！　But　as　one　gets　older　one　needs　certain　reassurances　that　aren't；　always；　entirely　reasonable。　In　order　to　go　on　at　all。〃

He　saw　her　loneliness。　He　saw　her　pain；　and　resented　it。　It　threatened　him。　It　threatened　his　father's　loyalty；　that　clear　constant　love　in　which　his　life　had　taken　root。　What　right　had　she；　who　had　left　Palat　in　need；　to　e　in　her　need　to　Palaf's　son？　He　had　nothing；　nothing　to　give　her；　or　anyone。　〃It　might　have　been　better；〃　he　said；　〃if　you'd　gone　on　thinking　of　me　as　a　statistic　too。〃

〃Ah；〃　she　said；　the　soft；　habitual；　desolate　response。　　She　looked　away　from　him。

The　old　men　down　at　the　end　of　the　ward　were　admiring　her；　nudging　each　other。

〃I　suppose；〃　she　said；　〃that　I　was　trying　to　make　a　claim　on　you。　But　I　thought　in　terms　of　your　making　a　claim　on　me。　If　you　wanted　to。〃

He　said　nothing。

〃We　arent；　except　biologically；　mother　and　son；　of　course。〃　She　had　regained　her　faint　smile。　〃You　don't　remember　me；　and　the　baby　I　remember　isn't　this　man　of　twenty。　All　that　is　time　past；　irrelevant。　But　we　are　brother　and　sister；　here　and　now。　Which　is　what　really　matters；　isn't　it？〃

〃I　don't　know。〃

She　sat　without　speaking　for　a　minute；　then　stood　up。　〃You　need　to　rest。　You　were　quite　ill　the　first　time　I　came。　They　say　you'll　be　quite　all　right　now。　I　don't　suppose　I'll　be　back。〃

He　did　not　speak。　She　said；　〃Goodbye；　Shevek；〃　and　turned　from　him　as　she　spoke。　He　had　either　a　glimpse　or　a　nightmare　imagination　of　her　face　changing　drastically　as　she　spoke；　breaking　down；　going　all　to　pieces。　It　must　have　been　imagination。　She　walked　out　of　the　ward　with　the　graceful　measured　gait　of　a　handsome　woman；　and　he　saw　her　stop　and　speak；　smiling；　to　the　aide　out　in　the　hall。

He　gave　way　to　the　fear　that　had　e　with　her；　the　sense　of　the　breaking　of　promises；　the　incoherence　of　time。　He　broke。　He　began　to　cry；　trying　to　hide　his　face　in　the　shelter　of　his　arms；　for　he　could　not　find　the　strength　to　turn　over。　One　of　the　old　men；　the　sick　old　men；　came　and　sat　on　the　side　of　the　cot　and　patted　his　shoulder。　〃It's　all　right；　brother。　It'll　be　all　right；　little　brother；〃　he　muttered。　Shevek　heard　him　and　felt　his　touch；　but　took　no　fort　in　it。　Even　from　the　brother　there　is　no　fort　in　the　bad　hour；　in　the　dark　at　the　foot　of　the　wall。










Chapter　5




Shevek　ended　his