一无所有-第36部分

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〃If　you　know　that；〃　Shevek　accused　in　a　harsh　whisper；　〃then　why　havent　you　made　it　public？　Why　haven't　you　called　a　criticism　session　in　your　syndicate；　if　you　have　facts？　If　your　ideas　won't　stand　public　examination；　I　don't　want　them　as　midnight　whispers。〃

Bedap's　eyes　had　got　very　small；　like　steel　beads。　〃Brother；〃　he　said；　〃you　are　selfrighteous。　You　always　were。　Look　outside　your　own　damned　pure　conscience　for　once！　I　e　to　you　and　whisper　because　I　know　I　can　trust　you；　damn　you！　Who　else　can　I　talk　to？　Do　I　want　to　end　up　like　Tirin？〃

〃Like　Turin？〃　Shevek　was　startled　into　raising　his　voice。　Bedap　hushed　him　with　a　gesture　towards　the　wall。　〃What's　wrong　with　Tirin？　Where　is　he？〃

〃In　the　Asylum　on　Segvina　Island。〃

〃In　the　Asylum？〃

Bedap　hunched　his　knees　up　to　his　chin　and　wrapped　his　arms　around　them；　as　he　sat　sideways　on　the　chair。　He　spoke　quietly　now；　with　reluctance。

Tirin　wrote　a　play　and　put　it　on；　the　year　after　you　left。　It　was　funny　—　crazy　—　you　know　his　kind　of　thing。〃　Bedap　ran　a　hand　through　his　rough；　sandy　hair；　loosening　it　from　its　queue。　〃It　could　seem　antiOdonian。　if　you　were　stupid。　A　lot　of　people　are　stupid。　There　was　a　fuss。　He　got　reprimanded。　Public　reprimand。　I　never　saw　one　before。　Everybody　es　to　your　syndicate　meeting　and　tells　you　off。　It　used　to　be　how　they　cut　a　bossy　gang　foreman　or　manager　down　to　size。　Now　they　only　use　it　to　tell　an　individual　to　stop　thinking　for　temself。　It　was　bad。　Tirin　couldn't　take　it　I　think　it　really　drove　him　a　bit　out　of　his　mind。　He　felt　everybody　was　against　him；　after　that。　He　started　talking　too　much　—　bitter　talk。　Not　irrational；　but　always　critical；　always　bitter。　And　he'd　talk　to　anybody　that　way。　Well；　he　finished　at　the　Institute；　qualified　as　a　math　instructor；　and　asked　for　a　posting。　He　got　one。　　To　a　road　repair　crew　in　Southsetting。　He　protested　it　as　an　error；　but　the　Divlab　puters　repeated　it。　So　he　went。〃

〃Tir　never　worked　outdoors　the　whole　time　I　knew　him；〃　Shevek　interrupted。　〃Since　he　was　ten。　He　always　wangled　desk　jobs。　Divlab　was　being　fair。〃

Bedap　paid　no　attention。　〃I　don't　really　know　what　happened　down　there。　He　wrote　me　several　tunes；　and　each　time　he'd　been　reposted。　Always　to　physical　labor；　in　little　outpost　munities。　He　wrote　that　he　was　quitting　his　posting　and　ing　back　to　Northsetting　to　see　me。　He　didn't　e。　He　stopped　writing。　I　traced　him　through　the　Abbenay　Labor　Piles；　finally。　They　sent　me　a　copy　of　his　card；　and　the　last　entry　was　just。　Therapy。　Segvina　Island。'　Therapy！　Did　Tirin　murder　somebody？
Did　he　rape　somebody？　What　do　you　get　sent　to　the　Asylum　for；　beside　that？〃

〃You　don't　get　sent　to　the　Asylum　at　all。　You　request　posting　to　it。〃

〃Don't　feed　me　that　crap；〃　Bedap　said　with　sudden　rage。　〃He　never　asked　to　be　sent　there！　They　drove　him　crazy　and　then　sent　him　there。　It's　Tirin　I'm　talking　about；　Tirin；　do　you　remember　him？〃

〃I　knew　him　before　you　did。　What　do　you　think　the　Asylum　is　—　a　prison？　It's　a　refuge。　If　there　are　murderers　and　chronic　workquitters　there；　it's　because　they　asked　to　go　there；　where　they're　not　under　pressure；　and　safe　from　retribution。　But　who　are　these　people　you　keep　talking　about　—　'they'？　'They'　drove　him　crazy；　and　so　on。　Are　you　trying　to　say　that　the　whole　social　system　is　evil；　that　in　fact　'they'；　Tirin's　persecutors；　your　enemies；　'they；'　are　us　—　the　social　anism？〃

〃If　you　can　dismiss　Tirin　from　your　conscience　as　a　workquitter；　I　don't　think　I　have　anything　else　to　say　to　you；〃　Bedap　replied；　sitting　hunched　up　on　the　chair。　There　was　such　plain　and　simple　grief　in　his　voice　that　Shevek's　righteous　wrath　was　stopped　short。

Neither　spoke　for　a　while。

〃I'd　better　go　home；〃　Bedap　said；　unfolding　stiffly　and　standing　up。

〃It's　an　hour's　walk　from　here。　Don't　be　stupid。〃

〃Well；　I　thought。。。　since　。。。〃

〃Don't　be　stupid。〃

〃All　right。　Where's　the　shittery？〃

〃Left；　third　door。〃

When　he　came　back　Bedap　proposed　to　sleep　on　the　floor；　but　as　there　was　no　rug　and　only　one　warm　blanket；　this　idea　was；　as　Shevek　monotonously　remarked；　stupid。　They　were　both　glum　and　cross；　sore；　as　if　they　had　fistfought　but　not　fought　all　their　anger　out。　Shevek　unrolled　the　bedding　and　they　lay　down。　At　the　turning　out　of　the　lamp　a　silvery　darkness　came　into　the　room；　the　half　darkness　of　a　city　night　when　there　is　snow　on　the　ground　and　light　reflects　faintly　upward　from　the　earth。　It　was　cold。　Each　felt　the　warmth　of　the　other's　body　as　very　wele。

〃I　take　it　back　about　the　blanket。〃

〃Listen；　Dap。　I　didn't　mean　to—〃

〃Oh；　let's　talk　about　it　in　the　morning。〃

〃Right。〃

They　moved　closer　together。　Shevek　turned　over　onto　his　face　and　fell　asleep　within　two　minutes。　Bedap　struggled　to　hold　on　to　consciousness；　slipped　into　the　warmth；　deeper；　into　the　defenselessness；　the　trustfulness　of　sleep；　and　slept。　In　the　night　one　of　them　cried　out　aloud；　dreaming。　The　other　one　reached　his　arm　out　sleepily；　muttering　reassurance；　and　the　blind　warm　weight　of　his　touch　outweighed　all　fear。

They　met　again　the　next　evening　and　discussed　whether　or　not　they　should　pair　for　a　while；　as　they　had　when　they　were　adolescent。　It　had　to　be　discussed；　because　Shevek　was　pretty　definitely　heterosexual　and　Bedap　pretty　definitely　homosexual；　the　pleasure　of　it　would　be　mostly　for　Bedap。　Shevek　was　perfectly　willing；　however；　to　reconfirm　the　old　friendship；　and　when　he　saw　that　the　sexual　element　of　it　meant　a　great　deal　to　Bedap；　was；　to　him；　a　true　consummation；　then　he　took　the　lead；　and　with　considerable　tenderness　and　obstinacy　made　sure　that　Bedap　spent　the　night　with　him　again。　They　took　a　free　single　in　a　domicile　downtown；　and　both　lived　there　for　about　a　decad；　then　they　separated　again；　Bedap　to　his　dormitory　and　Shevek　to　Room　46。　There　was　no　strong　sexual　desire　on　either　side　to　make　the　connection　last。　They　had　simply　reasserted　trust。

Yet　Shevek　sometimes　wondered；　as　he　went　on　seeing　Bedap　almost　daily；　what　it　was　he　liked　and　trusted　in　his　friend。　He　found　Bedap's　present　opinions　detestable　and　his　insistence　on　talking　about　them　tiresome。　They　argued　fiercely　almost　every　time　they　met。　They　caused　each　other　a　good　deal　of　pain。　Leaving　Bedap；　Shevek　frequently　accused　himself　of　merely　clinging　to　an　outgrown　loyalty；　and　swore　angrily　not　to　see　Bedap　again。　

But　the　fact　was　that　he　liked　Bedap　more　as　a　man　than　he　ever　had　as　a　boy。　Inept；　insistent；　dogmatic；　destructive：　Bedap　could　be　all　that；　but　he　had　attained　a　freedom　of　mind　that　Shevek　craved；　though　he　hated　its　expression。　He　had　changed　Shevek's　life；　and　Shevek　knew　it；　knew　that　he　was　going　on　at　last；　and　that　it　was　Bedap　who　had　enabled　him　to　go　on。　He　fought　Bedap　every　step　of　the　way；　but　he　kept　ing；　to　argue；　to　do　hurt　and　get　hurt；　to　find　—　under　anger；　denial；　and　rejection　—　what　he　sought。　He　did　not　know　what　he　sought。　But　he　knew　where　to　look　for　it

It　was；　consciously；　as　unhappy　a　time　for　him　as　the　year　that　had　preceded　it。　He　was　still　getting　no　further　with　his　work；　in　fact　he　had　abandoned　temporal　physics　altogether　and　backtracked　into　humble　lab　work；　setting　up　various　experiments　in　the　radiation　laboratory　with　a　deft；　silent　technician　as　partner；　studying　subatomic　velocities。　It　was　a　welltrodden　field；　and　his　belated　entry　into　it　was　taken　by　his　colleagues　as　an　admission　that　he　had　finally　stopped　trying　to　be　original。　The　Syndicate　of　Members　of　the　Institute　gave　him　a　course　to　teach；　mathematical　physics　for　entering　students。　He　got　no　sense　of　triumph　from　finally　having　been　given　a　course；　for　it　was　Just　that：　he　had　been　given　it；　been　permitted　it。　He　got　little　fort　from　anything。　That　the　walls　of　his　hard　puritanical　conscience
were　widening　out　immensely　was　anything　but　a　fort。　He　felt　cold　and　lost。　But　he　had　nowhere　to　retreat　to；　no　shelter；　so　he　kept　ing　farther　out　into　the　cold；　getting　farther　lost。

Bedap　had　made　many　friends；　an　erratic　and　disaffected　lot；　and　some　of　them　took　a　liking　to　the　shy　man。　He　felt　no　closer　to　them　than　to　the　more　conventional　people　he　knew　at　the　Institute；　but　he　found　their　independence　of　mind　more　interesting。　They　preserved