一无所有-第38部分

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〃I　didn't　mean　to　spoil　your　vacation；〃　she　said；　with　her　large　childish　laugh；　too　loud　for　the　twilight。

〃It　doesn't　spoil　it！〃

〃That's　good。　　I　thought　you　meant　it　distracted　you。〃

〃Distracted！　It's　like　an　earthquake；〃

〃Thank　you。〃

〃It's　not　you；〃　he　said　harshly；　〃It's　me。〃

〃That's　what　you　think；〃　she　said。

There　was　a　longish　pause。

〃If　you　want　to　copulate；〃　she　said；　〃why　havent　you　asked　me？〃

〃Because　I'm　not　sure　that's　what　I　do　want。〃

〃Neither　am　I。〃　Her　smile　was　gone。　〃Listen；〃　she　said。　Her　voice　was　soft；　and　had　not　much　timbre；　it　had　the　same　furry　quality　as　her　eyes。　〃I　ought　to　tell　you。〃　But　what　she　ought　to　tell　him　remained　unsaid　for　quite　a　while。　He　looked　at　her　at　last　with　such　pleading　apprehension　that　she　hastened　to　speak；　and　said　in　a　rush；　〃Well；　all　I　mean　is；　I　don't　want　to　copulate　with　you　now。　Or　anybody。〃

〃You've　sworn　off　sex？〃

〃No！〃　she　said　with　indignation；　but　no　explanation。

〃I　might　as　well　have；〃　he　said；　flinging　a　pebble　down　into　the　stream。　〃Or　else　I'm　impotent。　It's　been　half　a　year；　and　that　was　just　with　Dap；　Nearly　a　year；　actually。　It　kept　getting　more　unsatisfying　each　time；　till　I　quit　trying。　It　wasn't　worth　it。　Not　worth　the　trouble。　And　yet　I　—　I　remember　—　I　know　what　it　ought　to　be。〃

〃Well；　that's　it；〃　said　Takver。　〃I　used　to　have　an　awful　lot　of　fun　copulating；　until　I　was　eighteen　or　nieen。　It　was　exciting；　and　interesting；　and　pleasure。　But　then　。。。　I　don't　know。　Like　you　said；　it　got　unsatisfying。　I　didn't　want　pleasure。　Not　just　pleasure。　I　mean。〃

〃You　want　kids？〃

〃Yes；　when　the　time　es。〃

He　pitched　another　rock　down　into　the　stream；　which　was　fading　into　the　shadows　of　the　ravine　leaving　only　its　noise　behind；　a　ceaseless　harmony　posed　of　disharmonies。

〃I　want　to　get　a　job　done；〃　he　said。

〃Does　being　celibate　help？〃

〃There's　a　connection。　But　I　don't　know　what　it　is；　it's　not　causal。　About　the　time　sex　began　to　go　sour　on　me；　so　did　the　work。　Increasingly。　Three　years　without　getting　anywhere。　Sterility。　Sterility　on　all　sides。　As　far　as　the　eye　can　see　the　infertile　desert　lies　in　the　pitiless　glare　of　the　merciless　sun；　a　lifeless；　trackless；　feckless；　fuckless；　waste　strewn　with　the　bones　of　luckless　wayfarers。　。　。　。〃

Takver　did　not　laugh；　she　gave　a　whimper　of　laughter；　as　though　it　hurt。　He　tried　to　make　out　her　face　clearly。　Behind　her　dark　head　the　sky　was　hard　and　clear。

〃What's　wrong　with　pleasure；　Takver？　Why　don't　you　want　it？〃

〃Nothing's　wrong　with　it。　And　I　do　want　it。　Only　I　don't　need　it。　And　if　I　take　what　I　don't　need；　I'll　never　get　to　what　I　do　need。〃

〃What　is　it　you　need？〃

She　looked　down　at　the　ground；　scratching　the　surface　of　a　rock　outcrop　with　her　fingernail。　She　said　nothing。

She　leaned　forward　to　pick　a　sprig　of　moonthom；　but　did　not　take　it；　merely　touched　it；　felt　the　furred　stem　and　fragile　leaf。　Shevek　saw　in　the　tension　of　her　movements　that　she　was　trying　with　all　her　strength　to　contain　or　restrain　a　storm　of　emotion；　so　that　she　could　speak。　When　she　did；　it　was　in　a　low　voice　and　a　little　roughly。　〃I　need　the　bond；〃　she　said。　〃The　real　one。　Body　and　mind　and　all　the　years　of　life。　Nothing　else。　Nothing　less。〃

She　glanced　up　at　him　with　defiance；　it　might　have　been　hatred。

Joy　was　rising　mysteriously　in　him；　like　the　sound　and　smell　of　the　running　water　rising　through　the　darkness。　He　had　a　feeling　of　unlimitedness；　of　clarity；　total　clarity；　as　if　he　had　been　set　free。　Behind　Takver's　head　the　sky　was　brightening　with　moonrise；　the　far　peaks　floated　clear　and　silver。　〃Yes；　that's　it；〃　he　said；　without　selfconsciousness；　without　any　sense　of　talking　to　someone　else；　he　said　what　came　into　his　head；　meditatively。　〃I　never　saw　it。〃

There　was　a　little　resentment　still　in　Takver's　voice。　〃You　never　had　to　see　it〃

〃Why　not？〃

〃I　suppose　because　you　never　saw　the　possibility　of　it。〃

〃What　do　you　mean；　the　possibility？〃

〃The　person！〃

He　considered　this。　They　sat　about　a　meter　apart；　hugging　their　knees　because　it　was　getting　cold。　Breath　came　to　the　throat　like　ice　water。　They　could　see　each　other's　breath；　faint　vapor　in　the　steadily　growing　moonlight。

〃The　night　I　saw　it；〃　Takver　said；　〃was　the　night　before　you　left　Northsetting　Institute。　There　was　a　party；　you　remember。　Some　of　us　sat　and　talked　all　night。　But　that　was　four　years　ago。　And　you　didn't　even　know　my　name。〃　The　rancor　was　gone　from　her　voice；　she　seemed　to　want　to　excuse　him。

〃You　saw　in　me；　then；　what　I've　seen　in　you　this　last　four　days？〃

〃I　don't　know。　I　can't　tell。　It　wasn't　Just　sexual。　I'd　noticed　you　before；　that　way。　This　was　different；　I　saw　you。　But　I　don't　know　what　you　see　now。　And　I　didn't　really　know　what　I　saw　then。　I　didn't　know　you　well　at　all。　Only；　when　you　spoke；　I　seemed　to　see　clear　into　you；　into　the　center。　But　you　might　have　been　quite　different　from　what　I　thought　you　were。　That　wouldn't　be　your　fault；　after　all；〃　she　added。　〃It's　just　that　I　knew　what　I　saw　in　you　was　what　I　needed。　Not　just　wanted！〃

〃And　you've　been　in　Abbenay　for　two　years；　and　didn't—〃

〃Didn't　what？　It　was　all　on　my　side；　in　my　head；　you　didn't　even　know　my　name。　One　person　can't　make　a　bond；　after　alll〃

〃And　you　were　afraid　that　if　you　came　to　me　I　might　not　want　the　bond。〃

〃Not　afraid。　I　knew　you　were　a　person　who　。　。。　wouldn't　be　forced。　。　。。　Well。　yes；　I　was　afraid。　I　was　afraid　of　you。　Not　of　making　a　mistake。　I　knew　it　wasn't　a　mistake。　But　you　were　—　yourself。　You　aren't　like　most　people；　you　know。　I　was　afraid　of　you　because　I　knew　you　were　my　equal。〃　Her　tone　as　she　ended　was　fierce；　but　in　a　moment　she　said　very　gently；　with　kindness；　〃It　doesn't　really　matter；　you　know；　Shevek。〃

It　was　the　first　time　he　had　heard　her　say　his　name。　He　turned　to　her　and　said　stammering；　almost　choking；　〃Doesn't　matter？　First　you　show　me　—　you　show　me　what　matters；　what　really　matters；　what　I've　needed　all　my　life　—　and　then　you　say　it　doesn't　matter！〃

They　were　face　to　face　now；　but　they　had　not　touched。　〃Is　it　what　you　need；　then？〃

〃Yes。　The　bond。　The　chance。〃

〃Now　—　for　life！'

〃Now　and　for　life。〃

Life；　said　the　stream　of　quick　water　down　on　the　rocks　in　the　cold　dark。

When　Shevek　and　Takver　came　down　from　the　mountains；　they　moved　into　a　double　room。　None　was　free　in　the　blocks　near　the　Institute；　but　Takver　knew　of　one　not　far　away　in　an　old　domicile　in　the　north　end　of　town。　In　order　to　get　the　room　they　went　to　the　block　housing　manager　—　Abbenay　was　divided　into　about　two　hundred　local　administrative　regions；　called　blocks　—　a　lens　grinder　who　worked　at　home　and　kept　her　three　young　children　at　home　with　her。　She　therefore　kept　the　housing　files　in　a　shelf　on　top　of　a　closet　so　the　children　wouldn't　get　at　them。　She　checked　that　the　room　was　registered　as　vacant；　Shevek　and　Takver　registered　it　as　occupied　by　signing　their　names。

The　move　was　not　plicated；　either。　Shevek　brought　a　box　of　papers；　his　winter　boots；　and　the　orange　blanket。　Takver　had　to　make　three　trips。　One　was　to　the　district　clothing　depository　to　get　them　both　a　new　suit；　an　act　which　she　felt　obscurely　but　strongly　was　essential　to　her；　ginning　their　partnership。　Then　she　went　to　her　old　dormitory；　once　for　her　clothes　and　papers；　and　again；　with　Shevek；　to　bring　a　number　of　curious　objects：　plex　concentric　shapes　made　of　wire；　which　moved　and　changed　slowly　and　inwardly　when　suspended　from　the　ceiling。　She　had　made　these　with　scrap　wire　and　tools　from　the　craftsupply　depot；　and　called　them　Occupations　of　Uninhabited　Space。　One　of　the　room's　two　chairs　was　decrepit；　so　they　took　it　by　a　repair　shop；　where　they　picked　up　a　sound　one。　They　were　then　furnished。　The　new　room　had　a　high　ceiling；　which　made　it　any　and　gave　plenty　of　space　for　the　Occupations。　The　domicile　was　built　on　one　of　Abbenay's　low　hills；　and　the　room　had　a　er　window　that　caught　the　afternoon　sunlight　and　gave　a　view　of　the　city；　the　streets　and　squares；　the　roofs；　the　green　of　parks；　the　plains　beyond。

Intimacy　after　long　solitude；　the　abruptness　of　joym　tried　both　Shevek's　stability　and　Takver's。　In　the　first　few　decads　he　had　wild　swings　of　elation　and　anxiety；　she　had　fit