九味书屋 > 魔法玄幻电子书 > 一无所有 >

第43部分

一无所有-第43部分

小说: 一无所有 字数: 每页4000字

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页,按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页,按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部!
————未阅读完?加入书签已便下次继续阅读!



ith the law of entropy and the force of gravity? I had thought better of your mind; Demaere!〃

Oiie shrank from that thunderbolt of contempt。 He said no more; and Shevek said no more; but Oiie never fot it。 It lay imbedded in his mind thereafter as the most shameful moment of his life。 For if Shevek the deluded and simpleminded utopist had silenced him so easily; that was shameful; but if Shevek the physicist and the man whom he could not help liking; admiring; so that he longed to deserve his respect; as if it were somehow a finer grade of respect than any currently available elsewhere — if this Shevek despised him。 then the shame was intolerable; and he must hide it; lock it away the rest of his life in the darkest room of his soul。

The subject of the Benbili revolution had sharpened certain problems for Shevek also: particularly the problem of his own silence。

It was difficult for him to distrust the people he was with。 He had been brought up in a culture that relied deliberately and constantly on human solidarity; mutual aid。 Alienated as he was in some ways from that culture; and alien as he was to this one; still the lifelong habit remained: he assumed people would be helpful。 He trusted them。

But Chifoilisk's warnings; which he had tried to dismiss; kept returning to him。 His own perceptions and instincts reinforced them。 Like it or not; he must leam distrust。 He must be silent; he must keep his property to himself; he must keep his bargaining power。

He said little; these days; and wrote down less。 His desk was a moraine of insignificant papers; his few working notes were always right on his body; in one of his numerous Urrasti pockets。 He never left his desk puter without clearing it。

He knew that he was very near achieving the General Temporal Theory that the loti wanted so badly for their spacefiight and their prestige。 He knew also that he had not achieved it and might never do so。 He had never admitted either fact clearly to anyone。

Before he left Anarres; he had thought the thing was in his grasp。 He had the equations。 Sabul knew he had them; and had offered him reconciliation; recognition; in return for the chance to print them and get in on the glory。 He had refused Sabul; but it had not been a grand moral gesture。 The moral gesture; after all; would have been to give them to his own press at the Syndicate of Initiative; and he hadn't done that either。 He wasn't quite sure he was ready to publish。 There ething that needed a little refining。 As he had been working ten years on the theory; it wouldn't hurt to take a little longer; to get it polished perfectly smooth。

The little something not quite right kept looking wronger。 A little flaw in the reasoning。 A big flaw。 A crack right through the foundations。 。 。 。 The night before he left Anarres he had burned every paper he had on the General Theory。 He had e to Urras with nothing。 For half a year he had; in their terms; been bluffing them。

Or had he been bluffing himself?

It was quite possible that a general theory of temporality was an illusory goal。 It was also possible that; though Sequency and Simultaneity might someday be unified in a general theory; he was not the man to do the job。 He had been trying for ten years and had not done it。 Mathematicians and physicists; athletes of intellect; do their great work young。 It was more than possible — probable — that he was burnt out; finished。

He was perfectly aware that he had had the same low moods and intimations of failure in the periods iust before his moments of highest creativity。 He found himself trying to encourage himself with that fact; and was furious at his own naivete。 To interpret temporal order as causal order was a pretty stupid thing for a chronosophist to do。 Was he senile already? He had better simply get to work on the small but practical task of refining the concept of interval。 It might be useful to someone else。

But even in that; even in talking with other physicists about it; he felt that he was holding something back。 And they knew he was。

He was sick of holding back; sick of not talking; not talking about the revolution; not talking about physics; not talking about anything。

He crossed the campus on his way to a lecture。 The birds were singing in the newly leafed trees。 He had not heard them sing all winter; but now they were at it; pouring it out; the sweet tunes。 Reedee; they sang; teedee。 This is my properteetee; this is my territoreereeree; it belongs to mee; mee。

Shevek stood still for a minute under the trees; listening。

Then he turned off the path; crossed the campus in a different direction; towards the station; and caught a morning train to Nio Esseia。 There had to be a door open somewhere on this damned pla!

He thought; as he sat in the train; of trying to get out of AIo: of going to Benbili; maybe。 But he did not take the thought seriously。 He would have to ride on a ship or airplane; he would be traced and stopped。 The only place where he could get out of sight of his benevolent and protective hosts was in their own big city; under their noses。

It was not an escape。 Even if he did get out of the country; be would still be locked in; locked in Urras。 You couldn't call that escape; whatever the archists; with their mystique of national boundaries; might call it。 But he suddenly felt cheerful; as he had not for days; when he thought that his benevolent and protective hosts might think; for a moment; that he had escaped。

It was the first really warm day of spring。 The fields were green; and flashed with water。 On the pasture lands each stock beast was acpanied by her young。 The infant sheep were particularly charming; bouncing like white elastic balls; their tails going round and round。 In a pen by himself the herd sire; ram or bull or stallion; heavynecked; stood potent as a thundercloud; charged with generation。 Gulls swept over brimming ponds; white over blue; and white clouds brightened the pale blue sky。 The branches of orchard trees were tipped with red; and a few blossoms were open; rose and white。 Watching from the train window Shevek found his restless and rebellious mood ready to defy even the day's beauty。 It was an unjust beauty。 What had the Urrasti done to deserve it? Why was it given to them; so lavishly; so graciously; and so little; so very little; to his own people?

I'm thinking like an Urraati; he said to himself。 Like a damned propertarian。 As if deserving meant anything。 As if one could earn beauty; or life! He tried to think of nothing at all; to let himself be borne forward and to watch the sunlight in the gentle sky and the little sheep bouncing in the fields of spring。

Nio Esseia; a city of five million souls; lifted its delicate glittering towers across the green marshes of the Estuary as if it were built of mist and sunlight。 As the train swung in smoothly on a long viaduct the city rose up taller; brighter; solider; until suddenly it enclosed the train entirely in the roaring darkness of an underground approach; twenty tracks together; and then released it and its passengers into the enormous; brilliant spaces of the Central Station; under the central dome of ivory and azure; said to be the largest dome ever raised on any world by the hand of man。

Shevek wandered across acres of polished marble under that immense ethereal vault; and came at last to the long array of doors through which crowds of people came and went constantly; all purposeful; all separate。 They all looked; to him; anxious。 He had often seen that anxiety before in the faces of Urrasti; and wondered about it。 Was it because; no matter how much money they had; they always had to worry about making more; lest they die poor? Was it guilt; because no matter how little money they had; there was always somebody who had less? Whatever the cause; it gave all the faces a certain sameness; and he felt very much alone among them。 In escaping his guides and guards he had not considered what it might be like to be on one's own in a society where men did not trust one another; where the basic moral assumption was not mutual aid; but mutual aggression。 He was a little frightened。

He had vaguely imagined wandering about the city and getting i

返回目录 上一页 下一页 回到顶部 0 0

你可能喜欢的