一无所有-第57部分
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〃Any of them need math？〃
〃They're mostly farming and skilled labor。 Do you have any engineering training？〃
〃Not much。〃
〃Well； there's workcoordinating。 That certainly takes a head for figures。 How about this one？〃
〃All right。〃
〃That's down in Southwest； in the Dust； you know。〃
〃I've been in the Dust before。 Besides； as you say； someday it will rain。 。。 〃
She nodded； smiling； and typed onto his Divlab record：
FROM Abbenay； NW Cent lust Sci； TO Elbow； SW。 wk co； phosphate mill #1： EMERG PSTG： 513165 — indefinite。
Chapter 9
Shevek was awakened by the bells in the chapel tower pealing the Prime Harmony for morning religious service。 Each note was like a blow on the back of his head。 He was so sick and shaky he could not even sit up for a long time。 He finally managed to shuffle into the bathroom and take a long cold bath； which relieved the headache； but his whole body continued to fed strange to him — to feel； somehow； vile。 As he began to be able to think again； fragments and moments of the night before came into his mind； vivid； senseless little scenes from the party at Vea's。 He tried not to think about them； and then could think of nothing else。 Everything； everytliing became vile。 He sat down at his desk； and sat there staring； motionless； perfectly miserable； for half an hour。
He had been embarrassed often enough； and had felt himself a fool。 As a young man he had suffered from the sense that others thought him strange； unlike them； in later years he had felt； having deliberately invited； the anger and contempt of many of his fellows on Anarres。 But he had never really accepted their Judgment。 He had never been ashamed。
He did not know that this paralyzing humiliation was chemical sequel to getting drunk； like the headache。 Nor would the knowledge have made much difference to him。 Shame — the sense of vileness and of selfestrangement — was a revelation。 He saw with a new clarity； a hideous clarity； and saw far past those incoherent memories of the end of the evening at Vea's。 It was not only poor Vea who had betrayed him。 It was not only the alcohol that he had tried to vomit up； it was all the bread he had eaten on Urras。
He leaned his elbows on the desk and put his head in his hands； pressing in on the temples； the cramped position of pain； and he looked at his life in the light of shame。
On Anarres he had chosen； in defiance of the expectations of his society； to do the work he was individually called to do。 To do it was to rebel： to risk the self for the sake of society。
Here on Urras； that act of rebellion was a luxury； a selfindulgence。 To be a physicist in AIo was to serve not society； not mankind； not the truth； but the State。
On his first night in this room he had asked them； challenging and curious； 〃What are you going to do with me？〃 He knew now what they had done with him。 Chifoilisk had told him the simple fact。 They owned him。 He had thought to bargain with them； a very naive anarchist's notion。 The individual cannot bargain with the State。 The State recognizes no coinage but power： and it issues the coins itself。
He saw now — in detail； item by item from the beginning — that he had made a mistake in ing to Urras； his first big mistake； and one that was likely to last him the rest of his life。 Once he had seen it； once he had rehearsed all the evidences of it that he had suppressed and denied for months — and it took him a long time； sitting there motionless at his desk — until he had arrived at the ludicrous and abominable last scene with Vea； and had lived through that again too； and felt his face go hot until his ears sang： then he was done with it。 Even in this postalcoholic vale of tears； he felt no guilt。 That was all done； now； and what must be thought about was； what must he do now？ Having locked himself in jail； how might he act as a free man？
He would not do physics for the politicians。 That was clear； now。
If he stopped working； would they let him go home？
At this； he drew a long breath and raised his head； looking with unseeing eyes at the sunlit green landscape out the window。 It was the first dme he had let himself think of going home as a genuine possibility。 The thought threatened to break down the gates and flood him with urgent yearning。 To speak Pravic； to speak to friends； to see Takver； Pilun； Sadik； to touch the dust of Anarres。。。。
They would not let him go。 He had not paid his way。 Nor could he let himself go： give up and run。
As he sat at the desk in the bright morning sunlight he brought his hands down against the edge of the desk deliberately and sharply； twice； three times； his face was calm and appeared thoughtful；
〃Where do I go？〃 he said aloud。
A knock on the door。 Efor came in with a breakfast tray and the morning papers。 〃e in at six usual but catching up your sleep；〃 he observed； setting out the tray with admirable deftness。
〃I got drunk last night；〃 Shevek said。
〃Beautiful while it lasts。〃 said Efor。 〃That be all； sir？ Very well；〃 and he exited with the same deftness； bowing on the way to Pae； who entered as he left。
〃Didn't mean to barge in on your breakfast！ On my way back from chapel； just thought I'd look in。〃
〃Sit down。 Have some chocolate。〃 Shevek was unable to eat unless Pae made some pretense at least of eating with him。 Pae took a honey roll and crumbled it about on a plate。 Shevek still felt rather shaky but very hungry now； and attacked his breakfast with energy。 Pae seemed to find it harder than usual to start conversation。
〃You're still getting this trash？〃 he asked at last in an amused tone； touching the folded newspapers Efor had set on the table。
〃Efor brings them。〃
〃Does he？〃
〃I asked him to；〃 Shevek said； glancing at Pae； a splitsecond reconnoitering glance。 'They broaden my prehension of your country。 I take an interest in your lower classes。 Most Anarresti came from the lower classes。〃
〃Yes； of course；〃 the younger man said； looking respectful and nodding。 He ate a small bite of honey roll。 〃I think I'd like a drop of that chocolate after all；〃 he said； and rang the bell on the tray。 Efor appeared at the door。 〃Another cup；〃 Pae said without turning。 〃Well； sir； we'd looked forward to taking you about again； now the weather's turning fine； and showing you more of the country。 Even a visit abroad； perhaps。 But this damned war has put an end to all such plans； I'm afraid。〃
Shevek looked at the headline of the topmost paper：
IO； THU CLASH NEAR BENBILI CAPITAL。
〃There's later news than that on the telefax；〃 Pae said。 〃We've liberated the capital。 General Havevert will be reinstalled。〃
〃Then the war is over？〃
〃Not while Thu still holds the two eastern provinces。〃
〃I see。 So your army and Thu*s army will fight in Benbili。 But not here？〃
〃No。 no。 It would be utter folly for them to invade us； or us them。 We've outgrown the kind of barbarism that used to bring war into the heart of the high civilizations！ The balance of power is kept by this kind of police action。 However； we are officially at war。 So an the tiresome old restrictions will e into effect； I'm afraid。〃
〃Restrictions？〃
〃Classification of research done in the College of Noble Science； for one thing。 Nothing to it； really； just a government rubber stamp。 And sometimes a delay getting a paper published； when the higherups think it must be dangerous because they don't understand it！ 。。。 And travel's a bit limited； especially for you and the other nonnationals here； I'm afraid。 So long as the state of war lasts； you're not actually supposed to leave the campus； I believe； without clearance from the Chancellor。 But pay no attention to that。 I can get you out of here whenever you like without going through all the rigmarole。〃
〃You hold the keys；〃 Shevek said； with an ingenuous smile。
〃Oh； I'm an absolute specialist in it。 I love getting around rules and outwitting the authorities。 Perhaps I'm a natural anarchist； eh？ Where the devil is that old fool I sent for a cup？〃
〃He must go down to the kitchens to get one。〃
〃Needn't take half the day about it。 Well； I won't wait。 Don't want to take up what's left of your morning。 By the way； did you see
